SCANDAL ALERT: The Bachelorette Boned A Dude On Last Night’s Episode

I stopped watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, because if I want to see a straight girl and a straight guy find true romance on the first date, I’ll just watch an episode of Bang Bus. But I do watch UnREAL on Lifetime and that shit comes off like a documentary about the making of The Bachelor. I figured that while the cameras were on, The Bachelorette and her suitors acted as wholesome as they could, and when the cameras turned off, they all licked on each other’s parts in a production van. So I squinted my eyes like “huh?” over people judging The Bachelorette for getting some dick on last night’s episode.

Apparently, some viewers of The Bachelorette have been calling Kaitlyn Bristowe a hussy slut whore harlot tramp floozy skank for a while because she’s kissed a few dudes. After last night’s episode, they really called her a hussy slut whore harlot tramp floozy skank, because she did sex with a guy before Fantasy Suite Week. Kaitlyn and her remaining suitors were in Dublin where she went on a one-on-one date with Nick Viall. Nick made the final 2 in the last season of The Bachelorette but he was rejected by Andi Dorfman. Kaitlyn and Nick got “close” during their date and one thing led to them bumping genitals in her hotel room. I asked my Bachelorette-watching friend about Nick and she said that he’s gross and vile (his last name don’t lie). I thanked her for her opinion, but I cannot form my own opinion until I see him without a top on. This is what Nick Viall looks like without a top on:

Seems alright to me! I’d hit it and I’d leave my mic on before, during and after.

Kaitlyn and Nick spent the night together and the next day, she freaked out over the possibility of him telling the other guys. Kaitlyn was afraid that the other dudes wouldn’t want her anymore if they found out about her doing Nick. First of all, if they found out, they wouldn’t leave. They’re mostly there for the cameras. Second of all, they should not judge anyone. They’re on The Bachelorette. If you told a dude who was on The Bachelorette that you once jacked it to the Screech sex tape and he threw a look of judgement at you, you can shut him down by saying, “Bitch, stop, you were on The Bachelorette.”

Nick didn’t exactly say to the other dudes “You wanna smell Kaitlyn’s punane?” before breathing into their faces. Nick didn’t say that he and Kaitlyn had sex, but he did tell the other guys that their date was “intimate.” On next week’s episode (DUN DUN DUN), Kaitlyn may tell the guys what happened. Kaitlyn defended herself on Twitter and said on Good Morning America that she’s a very “in the moment” person (read: Bitch was horny). Nick also gave a super serious “sex is natural” speech on Twitter when he really should’ve just said, “We were horny, we screwed, want to smell it? The end.”

“Sex is not shameful. Whether we admit it or not, sex is important part of many serious and meaningful relationships. Despite what we have been led to believe, both men & women have an emotional connection to sex that we all should respect. Kaitlyn acknowledging that there are others involved shows she respects the emotional connection men can have to sex. Both men and women have an equal right to have sex without judgement.”

Thank you for that lesson, Professor Nick.

I still don’t get what the big deal is. So, people think that Kaitlyn is a mega slut with a coochie so big that it can host the next rose ceremony because she had sex with a guy before the Fantasy Suite dates? Um, yeah, that’s not slutty, that’s smart. Kaitlyn is testing the dick before she takes it to the main event. I mean, what if the dick isn’t good? Then the Fantasy Suite becomes the Let’s Just Awkwardly Lay Next To Each Other While Watching HBO Until This Boring Sleepover Date Is Over Suite.

And if I was on The Gay Bachelor, that shit would be a dick buffet and my ass would be the plate. So I say: Get. It. Girl.