For weeks, Donald Trump has been diarrhea-ing up at the mouth about how he’s going to make America a better place. I hoped that Donald Trump would make good on his promise to make America a better place by moving to another country. But nope, instead he is making America a funnier place by running for president. Today, Jabba the Trump threw his flattened guinea pig hair into the ring and announced that he is officially the 4,596th Republican presidential candidate. Right now, The New York Post is preparing their “The American People Declare, ‘You’re Fired‘” cover for when Donald Trump eventually drops out.
During his long SNL skit of a speech, Donald Trump claimed that he’s worth nearly $9 billion, promised to make Mexico pay for a great, big wall on the southern border and said he’d create more jobs (no, not handjobs) than any other president. Trump started off his ridiculous speech by mouth shitting up this dingle at Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue:
“Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for President of the United States and we are going to make our country great again.”
Let’s see… A liar AND delusional. He’s a perfect presidential candidate!
NBC says they are “re-evaluating” Trump’s role in Celebrity Apprentice. (Translation: They’re waiting for his ass to QUIT THAT BITCH so he can go back to his reality shit show.)
And yes, I’m looking at that picture of my Slovenian gold digging goddess angel Melania Trump while thinking to myself, “Is it wrong to vote for that asshole, because I want Melania Trump to be our First Lady? I just know that she’d gold leaf the outside of the White House and use taxpayers’ money to start a national foundation for aspiring gold diggers.”
Here’s most of Trump’s speech if you need a reason to roll your eyes a hundred times today: