In every picture or Rachel Dolezal, there should be a dude in a blue shirt bringing the disgonbgud GIF alive with his face.
Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts and every damn coffee shop in the country reported a 1,000% spike in sales this morning, because everyone bought extra caffeine to butt chug, inject, freebase and snort to deal with the words that came out of Rachel Dolezal’s mouth during her interview with Matt Lauer on Today. Approximately 45 seconds after Rachel stepped down as president of the NAACP’s chapter in Spokane, Washington, she wasted no time in booking a media tour. (“Dat bitch pretends to be black and books a media tour and I had to cancel mine?!” – Iggy Azalea) I’m surprised she found time to book all those interviews in between opening all her thank you gifts from the Duggars for shifting the media’s eyes from Child Touching Way to Transracial Blvd. Rachel will be interviewed by Savannah Guthrie on NBC Nightly News and Melissa Harris-Perry on MSNBC, but she started her great big media tour on Today this morning.
As her biological son with her ex-husband and the adopted brother she passed off as her son watched, Rachel talked to the lukewarm fart bag of smug that is Matt Lauer. Matt didn’t ask her about how her brother Joshua is facing charges for allegedly sexually abusing a female sibling in 2001 or 2002 (THAT FAMILY. I swear, TLC is going to give them a show.), but he did ask her about how she sued Howard University in 2002 for discriminating against her because she’s white (the case was later dismissed). Rachel said a whole lot of words without saying much. She says she identifies as black and called herself “transracial.” (Hold on to something sturdy and brace yourself for more “If Caitlyn Jenner Can Do It…” think pieces.)
Here’s some of what Chet Haze’s new idol said:
On if she’s African-American: “I identify as black.”
On when she started to feel black on the inside: “I would say about 5 years old. I was drawing self-portraits with the brown crayon instead of the peach crayon, and black curly hair. Yeah, that’s how I was portraying myself.”
On when she started passing herself off as part black: “Well, I do take exception to that, because it’s a little more complex than me identifying as black or answering a question of ‘Are you black or white?’ I was actually identified when I was doing human rights work in north Idaho as transracial. And then when someone of the opposition to some of the human rights work I was doing came forward, the next day’s newspaper article identified me as being a biracial woman, and then the next article when there were actually burglaries, nooses, etc, was, this is happening to a black woman. And I never corrected.”
On if she does anything to darken her skin color: “I certainly don’t stay out of the sun. I also don’t, as some of the critics have said, put on blackface as a performance.”
On why she told people that her friend Albert Wilkerson, who is black, is her dad: “Albert Wilkerson is my dad. Every man can be a father, not every man can be a dad.”
On suing Howard University: “The reasons for my full tuition scholarship being removed and my teaching position as well, my TA position, were that other people needed opportunities and you probably have white relatives that can afford to help you with your tuition. I thought that was an injustice.”
On if she would make the same choices she has made: “I would. I would.”
“I certainly don’t stay out of the sun.” Oh fuck, expect a Rachel Dolezal line of suntan oil and self-tanner for Coppertone any day now.
MSNBC also released a preview of their interview with Rachel where she says that she really knows what it means to “live blackness.” I just…