Genderqueer hillbilly rodent philosopher Miley Cyrus recently spoke with TIME magazine, and just like my hand in a Costco-sized bag of Doritos, Miley gets deep. Just like her interview with Paper magazine from last week, Miley has lots of thoughts about sex, gender, fucking, identity, and positive life thoughts. I’m not sure if Tish Cyrus ever cheated on Billy Ray in the early 90s with a motivational poster or Stuart Smalley, but it might explain all the good vibes coming out of her brain. Miley just wants you to be happy, y’all!
On how she’s neither a girl or a boy: “I’m just equal. I’m just even. It has nothing to do with any parts of me or how I dress or how I look. It’s literally just how I feel.”
On how nobody should identify as anything: “People try to make everyone something. You can just be whatever you want to be.”
On how she was Nashville’s unofficial sexuality tester for baby maybe-lesbians: “They all wanted to experiment. I was always the one.”
On how she butched up when she was with other women: “That made me feel like I had to be a femme-bot, which I’m not. And then when I was with a girl, I felt like, ‘Oh shit, she’s going to need someone to protect her, so I’m going to need to have this macho energy.’ And that didn’t feel right either.”
On how watching hetero couples on Valentine’s Day make Miley sad: “All the women in the restaurant were with these older, fat men that had just let themselves go. They were just being drunk bastards. And then the women were sitting there, trying so hard just to look good. And they’re ignoring them the whole time. And I thought, ‘I’m not living like this.’ If I end up in a straight relationship, that’s fine—but I’m not going to be with fucking slob guys who are watching porn, making all their girls feel ugly.”
On how Miley wants someone who can move their mouth, but not in that way: “Fucking is easy. You can find someone to fuck in five seconds. We want to find someone we can talk to. And be ourselves with. That’s fairly slim pickings.”
Then Miley put herself on the shit lists of both the Beyhive and Taylor Swift’s Sugar Cookie Crew while explaining why she feels more comfortable at the finale for RuPaul’s Drag Race than an awards show like the Grammys:
“Beyonce would never be down in the front row cheering on Katy Perry.”
That’s a “You in danger, girl” statement if I ever heard one. You don’t fuck with the Beyhive, and you especially don’t fuck with the Sugar Cookie Crew! If Miley had an advisor, this would be the time they advise her to enter the witness protection program and be anyone besides Miley Cyrus.