Earlier today, Madonna teased the release of the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna“, the latest single from her certified
gold pyrite album Rebel Heart. And it appears she called in some favors, because everyone is in that shit. Beyonce! Katy Perry! Nicki Minaj! Miley Cyrus! Rita Ora! It’s like Taylor Swift’s video for “Bad Blood“, except with women who can legally rent a car. Well, not Miley and Rita – they’re both under 25. But at least they’re old enough that they don’t have to wait in said car when the grown-ups decide to stop for a drink.
Madonna doesn’t say when the video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” comes out – just that it’s “coming soon” and that they’re “just tryin to make it perfect for all of you.” I hope that last part is true, because this teaser is all kinds of BUSTED. It makes Janet Jackson’s teaser for the Unbreakable tour look like the goddamn Mona Lisa of Photoshop. What. Is. Happening. Here. That picture of Nicki looks like it was pulled from a fan art site. I’m pretty sure that’s a Destiny’s Child-era pic of Beyonce. And I can’t comment on Miley Cyrus, since someone clearly forgot to bring the layer with her face forward. Bitch is just a clump of greasy hair!
Even though this teaser is a mess, I still can’t wait to see the video. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s a lazy knock-off “Bad Blood“, complete with fight scenes and spy-sounding nicknames. I’m guessing Madonna’s is “The Queen,” Beyonce’s is “No Bitch, I’m The Queen,” Nicki Minaj’s is “Ass-assin,” Miley’s is “Lady Moonshine, “Katy Perry’s is “Fuckyoutaylorswift” and Rita Ora’s is “Rita Ora.”
The only person absent from this video is Madonna’s current friend Lady Gaga, but I’m sure it’s because she was off somewhere recording a song called “Bitch I’m Lady Gaga.”