Note: If you ever find yourself in the presence of fashion designer Carolina Herrera, make sure you’re not wearing that see-through dress you made yourself using old L’eggs hose, a hot glue gun and broken beer bottle glass. Because Carolina Herrera yawns every time she sees another trick done up like Richard Simmons shat up gemstones on their naked body.
During a talk with the Washington Post, Carolina delicately lifted her gold-rimmed bone china teacup and gently shook her head before taking a sip while thinking about how fashion designers these days are trying to lure in young customers by designing “almost nekkid” clothes. As example, Carolina, who is always as put together as an Ann Taylor regional manager, brought up the Bedazzled Naked Hussy Harlot Ho Parade that went down the red carpet at the Met Gala this year. Carolina doesn’t understand how the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Kim Kartrashian can be considered “fashion icons” when they don’t wear any fashion. Go ahead and look those tricks up and down, Ms. Herrera:
Some designers think “it’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No!” Herrera says emphatically. “The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.” Herrera turns to the recent Costume Institute gala to make her point. Exhibits A through C: Beyoncé and her bedazzled mosquito netting; Jennifer Lopez in a red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides; Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.
“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything,” Herrera says in a tone that is both exasperated and dismayed. “It’s an obsession now.”
Oh great, now Carolina has gone and said it. In the Museum of ME-ME-ME in Kanye West and Kummy Kakes’ mansion, workers are currently painting the quote “‘Kim Kardashion… Fashion Icon…’ – Carolina Herrera” on one of the walls.
I’m with Carolina Herrera all the way. Beyonce, JLo and Kummy Kakes look like tackiness wrapped in trashiness and dipped in slivers of messy when they go out half-naked. They just don’t have the natural elegance, grace, ladylike refinement and gentility needed to pull off that look and not look like trash. They just need to stop. They are not England’s Finest Rose, Jodie Marsh, who can wear a Hot Topic belt as a nipple cover and still look like the epitome of opulence and class.
Yes, that really is Jodie Marsh. You probably looked at that picture and figured that Duchess Kate went blond. If Carolina Herrera saw that picture, she’d definitely say, “I take back the hate I threw at the naked look, because THAT is a fucking fashion icon who knows how to do it.”