“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.
America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.
“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”
I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”
Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:
“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”
Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:
“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”
All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.