Great news for those of you who got really bummed out after learning that your fap/tap visual of chubby Chris Pratt had a defective dingus last week. The real-life Andy Dwyer would like you to know that when he told Men’s Health UK that being a couple pounds heavier had a negative effect on his dick (i.e. he was “impotent“), he didn’t realize that “impotent” meant “no more boners.” And so it begins!
Chris Pratt clarified what he meant during an interview with Access Hollywood on Saturday and probably because he felt bad for everyone who spent the weekend praying for his poor penis of the past using a rosary made from shady internet Viagra pills:
“I’m not sure I knew what ‘impotent’ meant when I said it,” he said, laughing. “I had a lower sex drive, to be honest with you. Everything about my spirit was dull. I didn’t feel great, and I think people will relate to that. And I don’t want to ever come out against sounding like I’m talking smack about people who have issues with their body weight, or don’t have issues with their body weight. To each their own, but to those who felt the way I felt at that time, there’s really hope.”
Okay, so now we know that Chris Pratt’s wiener worked, but that it was a real struggle. His penis was sort of like me every morning; eventually I get up, but it takes at least 45 minutes of desperately slapping the snooze button and hissing drowsy expletives into my pillow before I do. I’m sure I could do it quicker if I dropped some chunk, but since Brownie Batter Oreos may be a thing soon, I’m not ready to make that sacrifice just yet.