Chet Haze (government name: Chester Hanks), trust fund son of America’s original sweetheart Tom Hanks and lover of the N-word, is finally getting himself some for real street cred and now whenever you see him, you can say, “Oh shit, we got a badass over here,” and not in an ironic way. The Daily Mirror (aka The second most reliable literary journal of truth in Britain. The Daily Mail being the first. Duh!) claims that the humanization of Vanilla Ice’s butt plug is wanted by the police in Britain for allegedly fucking up an airport hotel room in a drunken rage after some chicks refused to do him. Can’t no one tell Chet Haze he can’t break a hotel room mirror like the true gangsta he is.
Some source tells the Mirror that Chet, who spent some time drying out in rehab last year, recently got wasted at a club near the Gatwick Airport and made everyone’s face perfectly contort into a question mark by mouth farting up the “Do you know who I am?” line. They probably guessed he was Justin Bieber, but since he didn’t smell like Desitin and wine coolers, they scratched that guess and went back to the drawing board. After Piece of Chet made that club 100% more insufferable, he went back to his room at an airport hotel to blow and bone. The only problem is, the people with him weren’t really down to fuck and party with Chet Haze.
“He was pretty obnoxious once he started drinking at the club. He kept saying ‘do you know who I am?’ Nobody was all that impressed and that was clearly annoying him. Nobody recognised him. He then went back to the hotel with a British actor friend and three female promoters. He was sick in the car park and then went up to the room and got really loud. He asked the girls if they would join him in the bed, but they are not like that. So he started screaming and making a right noise. He saw some sprinkled make-up called banana powder and started asking ‘who’s got the coke?’ But nobody did drugs there.”
After a few guests complained about the nose coming from Chet’s room, a hotel clerk went up to ask him to hit the mute button on his mouth and that’s when Chet really went full badass on a bitch.
“Then all you could hear was this smashing and crashing. Next morning he was gone but the room was trashed. Everything was smashed and there was glass all over the floor.”
A rep for the Sussex Police Department confirmed that a 24-year-old douche wart from America is wanted for allegedly causing £1,200 worth of damage to a hotel room, but they wouldn’t name names. Chet Haze said in a text message to the Mirror that he’s getting his lawyers involved, because their story is a slanderous lie.
That hotel room trashing scene sounds like a sad, sad, sight. I’m picturing Chet Haze throwing a phone at the TV while a bunch of people stand around all bored-like waiting for the spoiled little rich twat to stop throwing a hissy fit so that they can ask him to get his dad to sign their Cast Away DVD. But if this story is true, then the Sussex Police, that hotel and the media are straight playa hatin’, because Chet is just keepin’ it one hundred. Can’t no one hold Chet Haze down even the Gatwick Airport Holiday Inn. I bet the Sussex Police are going to step off of Chet’s nuts when they find out that they’re trying to mess with a real badass and by that I mean that they’ll step off of his nuts when daddy makes it go away by writing a check to that hotel.