If you’re squinting at that name while saying, “Doesn’t ring a bell” (aka the same thing North West thinks to herself when her weekday nanny asks her if she misses Kim), then you’re probably not an abuelo of the internet like some of our old asses around here.
Latarian Milton drove into the heart of the internet a million years ago (7 to be exact) when he was just 7 years old and stole his grandma’s SUV to take it for a joy ride around Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Dude was obviously Lindsay Lohan’s driving instructor, because he hit two mailboxes, two parked cars and two moving cars during his short ride. Latarian became an overnight internet star, because when he was interviewed by the news, he made it clear that he subscribes to Florida’s motto: We Just Don’t Give A Fuck!
When asked why he did it, he said, “I wanted to do it, because it’s fun. It’s fun to do bad things like drive into a car.” He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, “Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends.”
Latarian took Hollywood by STORM after that and by that I mean he was on Tosh.0, was almost on Judge Judy and The Boondocks did an episode about him. Latarian continued with that hood rat stuff way of life by getting into trouble for beating his grandma at a Walmart over some chicken wings two months after his joy ride. Latarian became abuelita enemy #1, but then he sort of disappeared after that. I still quote him today, because he’s one of my favorite poets along with God Warrior.
Well, we FINALLY have a Latarian Milton update. WESH Orlando says that Latarian has officially retired from doing bad things and he’s now a 14-year-old who just graduated from middle school. Latarian still lives with his grandma who said that she straightened him out and she may or may not have used the chancleta to do so. Latarian is going to play football in high school and he hopes to play football in college too. If he plays football the same way he drives, he’ll knock them all down.
This is what Latarian looked like on graduation day:
— Andrea Dennis (@AndreaKDennis) June 4, 2015
If you look at that certificate closely, you will see the words: “Latarian Milton Is 14 Years Old. You’re All Older Than Dust.” If you looked closely and still didn’t see those words, put your bifocals on, you old bitch.