And Now For Jake Gyllenhaal’s Thoughts On Molecules, The Moon, And Water

Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!

“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”

I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”

The only part I understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.

Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.