Archives: June 2015

Bennifer 2.0 Is Over, For Real This Time

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Remember when a “sourcesaid those moving trucks outside of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s house weren’t there to move all his shit out and the trucks were being used to move out furniture before a big renovation? Well, either that source lied to us all or Ben and Jen are renovating their house so they get a bigger price on it when they sell that shit. Because Bennifer 2.0 announced today (the day after their 10th anniversary) that their marriage is done and they’re getting a divorce. Jennifer Garner is no longer fucking Ben Affleck. “I called it,” screamed pretty much every tabloid in the world.

Ben and Jennifer “exclusively” released this statement to People:

“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”

TMZ says that Ben and Jen are going to try to keep it clean and she’s not going to go all Stephanie March by ranting in court papers about how she was sick of him coming home and smelling like random pussy and casino smoke. They will share custody of their 3 children and are not going to file for divorce until they work out the property and custody situation.

And as the paps weep over the loss of Bennifer 2.0’s legendary photo-op struts, tabloid editors are also weeping, because now whose MARRIAGE CRISIS are they going to put on their covers every other month? (Answer: Beyonce and Jay-Z, probably.)

A Monkey Attacked Johnny Depp’s Makeup Artist On The Set Of Pirates Of The Caribbean

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

On the upside, that little monkey has already perfected his “I deeply regret my actions, Diane” face for his future exclusive interview with 20/20.

Johnny Depp’s messy down under animal adventure continues. First it was a dramatic fight with Australian agriculture officials over his Yorkie dogs Boo and Pistol being smuggled into the country, and now it’s an attack on his makeup artist by an angry monkey. What’s next? Amber Heard leaving him for Roger the buff kangaroo and taking his favorite hat with her?

According to the Daily Mail, Johnny’s makeup artist was taking a break on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean 5 when she found herself on the wrong end of a beat down from an actor monkey believed to be the same one who plays Geoffrey Rush’s sidekick, Jack the Monkey. The 54-year-old woman was reportedly hanging out on a sound stage (where a different movie was being shot) around noon today when the monkey ran up behind her and pulled a Mike Tyson by biting her ear. I guess that tiny Capuchin monkey mouth did some serious damage, because paramedics were called and she was rushed to the hospital.

Jack the Monkey was played by a monkey named Chiquita in the last 3 Pirates films, but there’s no word of whether or not it was Chiquita who went HAM on Johnny’s makeup artist. There’s also no word on what will happen to that angry monkey, but something tells me it just lost its SAG-AFTRA membership.

Even though Johnny’s makeup artist is currently stuck in the hospital recovering from her monkey bite, I doubt they’ll have to put shooting on hold. Johnny Depp doesn’t even really need a makeup artist; he’s become a pro at painting his own homeless hungover pirate drag.

Pic: YouTube

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Daddy Spears Better Give Brit Brit’s Twitter Writer A Raise

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.

Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)

Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t.  Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:

Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.

Paris Hilton Is Going To Sue The People Who Pranked Her With That Fake Plane Crash

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that Paris Hilton, seen above moments after she nearly pissed herself with fear after being “pranked” into thinking she was plunging to her death in an airplane by Egyptian prank show Ramez in Control, is beyond pissed at the “prank” and plans on suing the shit out of the people who set her up.

A source claims Paris wasn’t in on the joke and has apparently been telling her “business associates” (read: fellow mediocre button-pushing iTunes jockeys) that Ramez in Control will be hearing from her lawyers, because she has suffered emotional distress. She is also terrified to get in an airplane now. Well, at least now she knows how a penis feels once it realizes it’s about to enter Paris Hilton’s crotch of doom.

According to Paris, the pretend plane crash prank was way worse than it appeared in the video. She claims they almost hit the water during one of the dives and got dangerously close to doing a loop upside down. So not only was it a horrifying prank, it was also dangerous as fuck. No word on how much compensation for emotional distress Paris Hilton and her lawyers will be looking to squeeze out of Ramez in Control, but something tells me it will be enough to move Ramez to the 2:30am time slot on an Egyptian public access channel.

As anyone who enjoys a good prank knows, pranks aren’t supposed to be dangerous. They’re supposed to end with laughing. A better prank would have been to present Paris Hilton with an award for World’s Greatest DJ and Most Beloved Former Stupid Spoiled Whore before yanking it back and yelling “Sike! You’re still a crappy DJ and no one likes you.” Then she would have chuckled and said “Aw, you got me!” in that stupid fake baby voice of hers. We’d all laugh and Paris Hilton would be happy she got some attention. Everyone wins!

Bye Wig: NeNe Leakes Quits Real Housewives Of Atlanta

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Pour out a jar of lace front bonding glue and begin mourning the loss of NeNe Leakes giving us fucked-up looks like the one above, because the last remaining original member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is leaving the show that made her a legend (in her own wig-covered mind). After 7 seasons, NeNe has packed up her trunk of wigs (including my favorite, the Dutch Boy scarecrow on meth wig above) and said BLOOP! to those messes.

Sean Penn May Be Trying To Rebound With Minka Kelly

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

After failing to win back Charlize Theron with a drunken late-night booty call (emoji of hot dog, emoji of screaming angry face, emoji of broken dish, emoji of winky face), it looks like Sean Penn has decided to run his crusty overcooked pot roast lothario game on someone new. TMZ says the lucky lady is Minka Kelly, aka Derek Jeter’s former long-term girlfriend, aaka that two-timing Riggins-riding tramp Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights. All together now: “RUN GIRL, RUUUUUN!!

Minka semi-confirmed her future mistake by showing up at The French Laundry in CA’s Napa Valley with Sean Penn last Tuesday night. TMZ says 54-year-old Sean treated 35-year-old Minka to a birthday dinner along with three other people, who no doubt kept giving her “Him? Really?” eyes all night long. According to Sean Penn, who was talking loud enough that other tables could hear, he met Minka at a charity event for Haiti.

So far, neither has said anything about whether or not they’re grinding greasies, but Minka did Instagram this picture of her French Laundry birthday dinner and captioned it: “Birthday festivities off to a pretty magical start #thankyou #napa.

What in the hell am I looking at? From what I can gather, I’m looking at a tiny-ass cup with a candle in it, a decorative tampon, and a spoon holding a gold glob of something. Is that what passes for a first date birthday cake these days?  I hope Minka took one look at that yard sale plate of whatever, hissed “Call me when you get your hands on a Carvel” at that cheap bastard, and got up and left.

Pics: Wenn.com, Instagram

Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The hot cop who made everyone say “Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal, WHO?” at NYC Pride on Sunday!

At Pride events in NYC over the weekend, several cops got caught serving the people some nipple boner-inducing, sweet glazed hot dance moves, but this Officer McPantyCreamer took the cake and freak danced on it. During the parade, the hot cop and his lucky dancer partner, who is a member of the New York LGBT softball league, brought the dirty and got down to Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til’ You Get Enough.” They obviously didn’t listen to the lyrics of the song, because they stopped before I got enough. I wanted them to go full Dirty Dancing by recreating the lift.

Prepare to pucker as you watch a few seconds of this hot cop bust out some moves that are a cross between “nervous dude stripper on his first day on the job” and “Donkey Kong on Ecstasy.” If they ever make a Magic Mike 3, this cop needs to be its star:

And this is totally my idea of “stop and frisk.

via Reddit

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Birthday Sluts

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Big Ang (55)
Allegra Versace (29)
Michael Phelps (30)
Fantasia (31)
Cheryl Cole (32)
Gugu Mbatha-Raw (32)
Patrick Wolf (32)
Willam Belli (33)
Lizzy Caplan (33)
Rick Gonzalez (36)
Karen Gravano (36)
Monica Potter (44)
Phil Anselmo (47)
Peter Outerbridge (49)
Mike Tyson (49)
Vincent D’Onofrio (56)
David Alan Grier (59)
David Garrison (63)
Leonard Whiting (65)
Nancy Dussault (79)

Pic: Splash/INF

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Night Crumbs

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Christmas in June: E.L. James, the Hedy Carlson to Stephanie March’s Allison Jones, did a Q&A on Twatter and it went horribly, horribly right! – Lainey Gossip

Since we’re on the subject of Real Housewives lawsuits, Demi Moore needs to sue Kyle Richards for blatantly stealing her look for years – Reality Tea

In “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should!” news, Sam Taylor-Johnson dyed her hair pink. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes? I’ll gladly take one for the team by checking and by “checking” I mean check Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s dick for pink hair dye stains – Celebitchy

One of the old Bachelors interviewed a crying Avril Lavigne about her Lyme disease on Good Morning AmericaDrunken Stepfather

Caitlyn Jenner and her E! camera crew were the belles of NYC pride – Towleroad

I wish that when Igloo Australia said that she was taking a Twitter break, she meant it, because now my brain is tainted with the image of her tongue up Brit Brit Spears’ Cheetos dust-covered asshole – Jezebel

The time I mistook Jonah Hill for a bearded Chris Christie The Superficial  

Here’s Ariana Grande Latte looking like a go-go dancer at an underage S&M club – IDLYITW

Who cares if Conchita Wurst’s nipples ripped off when someone pulled that tape off! Bitch brought the glamour and that’s all that matters – OMG Blog

Chrissy Teigen freed the nipple in W MagazineHuffPo

John Corbett’s hair has entered Yanni circa 2006 territory, but I still would – ICYDK

John Travolta sure knows how to spend a hot afternoon – The Berry 

Jensen Ackles has a beard now – Popsugar

Shia LaPlagiarist struck again! And I need to get struck with a heavy object for actually getting hard in the nipple area for a topless Shia looking like he just spent the night in a Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos – Consequence of Sound 

Tommy Girl will be in the Versatile Bottom Gun Top Gun sequel – Pajiba

Katy Perry is the highest paid female celebrity in the world, according to Forbes. In a girls bathroom in Hollywood somewhere, Taylor Swift is scratching the words “Katy Perry Sucks Dick 4 Forbes Spots” on the wall of a stall – Just Jared

Tweet via @bethorne

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