Mimi sees Hilary Duff’s Tinder music video and raises her a Match.com music video.
The Butterfly Hello Kitty Rainbow Unicornie Princess dropped a rhinestone-encrusted nugget into the gaping mouths of her lambs this morning when she released her video for her Nick Cannon diss track which ends with a high note that makes me reminisce about that happy moment in the 90s when my dial-up would finally connect. Mimi queefed up the video for “Infinity” on her Match.com profile, because that’s just what parched pop stars are doing nowadays. I, for one, cannot wait for Susan Boyle to drop her new music video on Purrsonals.
This is a piece of Mimi’s profile and it wouldn’t be a dating site profile unless you lie like there’s no tomorrow on it:
I mean, “social drinker.” Yeah, me too, meaning I can only be social if I’m fucking all the way plastered. And here’s the video:
That shit is a product placement buffet. Not only does she give you servings of Match.com, she gives you servings of her scented unicorn piss, Spanx and Caesar’s Palace. Mimi truly missed out on an opportunity to get some product placement for Preparation H in there, because the way she rubs up against that closet door tells me she’s got itchy butt.
But really, don’t we all spend our nights the way Mimi does in this video? Don’t we all get drunk on champagne (read: Barefoot wine from 7-Eleven) in our glamorous walk-in closet (read: the bathroom) before scrolling through Match.com (read: Grindr or Tinder) for a hot piece (read: absolutely anybody who messages us) to take us out (read: bone us until the cops come) in his luxurious convertible (read: his Chevy Spark parked in the parking lot of a Wendy’s). It’s like looking into a mirror.
After getting arrested three times in the past eight months for getting drunk and making a mess of his hotel room during three different Comic-Cons (two of which were in Florida, so I’m sure the hotels already had some kind of insurance for that in place), Nicholas Brendon – aka Xander from Buffy – has checked himself into rehab.
According to a statement released by his rep on his Facebook page (via People), Xander has entered a treatment center in California to deal with alcohol abuse, substance abuse, and depression. Nicholas’ rep says that ever since he got arrested at the Tree City Comic-Con in Idaho last October, he did some therapy and outpatient stuff, but none of it worked, so he’s doing rehab for the next couple of months.
He also plans on returning to the Comic-Con circuit late in the summer if he successfully completes his treatment program. With that being said, this might be the first time in a long time that Comic-Con organizers have heard the words “Nicholas Brendon to return to the Comic-Con circuit” and haven’t nervously started worrying about their damage deposits.
I think we can all agree that drugs, booze, and depression is a pretty heavy triad of life troubles, so I’m glad Xander is finally sorting his stuff out in rehab. And I know Nicholas Brendon loves that Comic-Con circuit, but he needs to know it will still be waiting for him when he gets out. So don’t rush rehab, Nicholas; there will always be nerds who want an autographed picture of that guy from Buffy who isn’t Giles or Spike or Angel.
Ever since Johnny Depp landed in Australia to film Pirates of the Caribbean 5, it’s kind of been nothing but a mess. First he busted up one of his 5-pronged silver ring holders (aka his hand). Then he went missing. Then when he came back, he illegally smuggled in his two Yorkies with him, and they ended up spending some time on house arrest before they were deported back to the US. Johnny high-tailed it out of there again last week and while some thought he left because he heard Australia might send his ass to jail for sneaking in his dogs, he actually went home for his daughter’s 16th birthday.
Well, Johnny’s back in Queensland, Australia to start filming Pirates again, and one of the first things he did after waiting an hour for Australian police to search his plane for stowaway Yorkies was to prove he’s still an ok guy by dressing up as Captain Jack Sparrow and taking some pictures with a bunch of fans. And he looked pretty happy while doing it, too.
At least I think that’s Johnny Depp’s happy face. I’m really just basing this off of what I think Johnny’s face would look like if his fairy godmother opened the door to a warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with millions of dirty vintage scarves and said “They’re all yours, Johnny – every last one of ’em. Go ahead buddy, give ’em a sniff – they all smell like cigarettes and piss, and no two stains are the same.”
Here’s more of Johnny arriving on set and doing a meet-and-greet with his fans. According to one fan who was there, she was so starstruck she couldn’t remember what she said to him. Yeah, that’s not starstruck; that’s just what happens when you stand next to Johnny Depp’s toxic sewer hobo hair for too long.
Chet Haze (born name: Chet Hanks), the son that probably makes Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson say, “Where did we go wrong?“, loves to drop the n-word and when he used “niggaz” and “white niggas” in Instagram posts the other day, he got a lot of shit thrown at him. So early this morning, the Cody Lambert of hip hop dropped some wisdom on our faces by telling us why he’ll never stop mouth farting out the n-word and why it’s okay for him to do so.
Piece of Chet posted an Instagram video along with an essay on how it’s his constitutional right to spit out whatever he wants. Um, since he knows the constitution so well, then he should also know that it’s everyone else’s constitutional right to shit on him for spitting out the n-word. The come-to-life Malibu’s Most Wanted character went on to preach that it’s about time that we strip away all the negativity from the n-word and use it as a word of love. In Chet’s head, the n-word is a beautiful word that brings the hip hop community together. I just….
As Tom Hanks thought about calling his accountant to say the words, “Cut Chet off,” Chet schooled us all. Can’t nobody hold Chet Haze down…well except for his daddy who can do so by canceling his AMEX card.
If I say the word nigga I say it amongst people I love and who love me. If I say "fuck yall hatin ass niggaz" it's because that's really how I felt at the time. And I don't accept society getting to decide what ANYBODY can or can't say. That's something we call FREE SPEECH. Now I understand the older generation who grew up in the Jim Crowe era might have strong feelings against this. And that's understandable… But what I'm saying is this is 2015… And even tho we are still far from where we need to be and black people are still being literally KILLED by a RACIST and fucked up system… We have also reached a point where the word can no longer have a negative connotation if we so choose. And who is to say only black people can use it? The way I see it, it's a word that unifies the culture of HIP-HOP across ALL RACES, which is actually kind of a beautiful thing. It's a word that can be used out of camaraderie and love, not just exclusively for black people. What's the point in putting all these built up "rules" about it. It's time to let go. You can hate me or love me for it, but can't nobody tell me what I can or can't say. It's got nothing to do with trying to be a thug. It's about the culture of the music. And that's all I have to say about that (no pun intended) lol. It's all love. Some people will get it, some people won't. Either way, Ima keep living my life however the fuck I want. ALL LOVE.
Because of where he was going, I expected Chet to shit out a different Forrest Gump quote. I expected him to say, “Y’all, life is like a box of chocolates, sometimes the white ones are black inside like me!”
Now that plans for Iggy Azalea’s first arena tour have been balled up and thrown into the dumpster, she may have a little free time to plan a wedding, so last night she took the first step to becoming a future cast member of Basketball Wives: L.A. by getting engaged to a Laker.
Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!
“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”
I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”
The only part I
understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.
Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.
Last Night, recently knocked up Kim Kardashian and kurrent husband Kanye West went to the CFDA Fashion Awards. I don’t know if it has something to do with Kim’s heavy metal genital warts dress or that my computer is just trying to give me a message, but every time I typed CFDA Fashion Awards, it kept autocorrecting to CDC Fashion Awards. Since I’ve already had a long hard talk with my computer about “that rash down there” being the result of purchasing a Groupon to a place called Ripper’s Discount Waxing, it’s probably in reference to Kim’s dress.
UsWeekly says that Kim’s dress is Proenza Schouler, but it also looks like something I would have made in a lazy attempt to get a Girl Scouts crafting badge using a garage sale Bedazzler and a pair of old nylons. Whatever it is, at least now I know what it looks like when a Transformer fucks a dirty Deceptacon and 3-to-5 days later realizes those bumps on his robot dick aren’t ingrown wires.
Here’s more of Kanye and Kim, who told Extra she felt “like shit” (cue all the “Yeah, and you look like…” jokes), and that the lucky fetus in her body gets to live in there until December. Yes, I said lucky – imagine how comfortable all that silicone and stuffing surrounding Kim’s body has made her womb? It must feel like sleeping in a Tempur-Pedic cocoon.
Gemma Wale, the fuck time wailer of Birmingham whose loud sex screams got her jailed for 2 weeks.
This delicate, pristine and genteel British orchid in a slutty drill team costume from Frumpy Mess High and fashion-forward spiderweb hose (Or is that grass? Or maybe a really bad case of varicose veins?) has broken the last nerve of her neighbors in Birmingham, West Midlands by shouting and screaming during sex. The BBC says that so many of Gemma’s neighbors complained about her “screaming and shouting” while getting boned that a judge ordered her to stop. But you can’t expect a canary to stop singing and you can’t expect a horny goddess to stop screaming out an orgasm yodel that probably sounds like a hyena getting choked out on a roller coaster. Gemma didn’t bite the pillow. She ignored the judge’s order and kept on fucking that chicken. (Speaking of, is that a half Yorkie/half chicken behind her in the picture?)
Andy Cohen (47)
Fabrizio Moretti (35)
Morena Baccarin (36)
Dominic Cooper (37)
Nikki Cox (37)
Justin Long (37)
Zachary Quinto (38)
Wayne Brady (43)
Wentworth Miller (43)
Dana Carvey (60)
Dennis Haysbert (61)
Joanna Gleason (65)
Frank Rich (66)
Jerry Mathers (67)
Lasse Hallstrom (69)
Stacy Keach (74)
Charlie Watts (74)
Sally Kellerman (78)
Lindsay Lohan celebrated being probation-free in Venice, Italy by drinking some of the sweet nectar (“It’s just graaaaape juthe,” slurred out White Oprah) with her rumored new piece. LiLo continued to celebrate by running over a baby with a gondola and breaking an empty prosecco bottle on an Italian’s priest’s head – Lainey Gossip
Kim Kartrashian looks like a constipated rubber trout on the cover of Glamour – Reality Tea
Mindy Kaling says that it’s hard to make friends as an adult woman. I’m not a woman, but I am an adult (it says so on my drivers license, okay?) and it’s so not hard to make friends. Yes, most of the friends I make are imaginary or stuffed animals, but that counts! – Celebitchy
The Suicide Squad budget is probably five hundred kazillion dollars and yet they install that thirsty polyester weave in Margot Robbie’s head? – Egotastic!
Backdoor Farrah squirted all over a pool party in Las Vegas, but this time the liquid she squirted out came from a water gun – WWTDD
Miley Cyrus’ mom shows off the hot groupie moves that used to get her backstage every time – Drunken Stepfather
Melissa Joan Hart’s bathing suit body looks different without Photoshop – The Superficial
The kids that Caitlin Jenner didn’t make with Pimp Mama Kris aren’t going to be in her new reality show – HuffPo
Emmanuelle Chriqui wrapped a yellow sheet around her body, tucked the top into her strapless bra and called it a look – Popoholic
Caitlin Jenner will make her red carpet debut at the ESPYs where she’ll get the Arthur Ashe Courage Award – Towleroad
Farewell, Mrs. Voorhees – OMG Blog
The goddess that is Jessica Lange doesn’t know what “trending on Twitter because people think Caitlyn Jenner looks like you” means, but she thinks it’s “wonderful” nonetheless – Jezebel
Allow this unimpressed pussy to fully express your thoughts about the world’s largest whoopee cushion. That being said, I’d totally do that vibrating nipple thing on the corner of the world’s largest whoopee cushion – Hollywood Tuna
Guilty French bulldog shows you what to do when someone accuses you of something you totally did – The Berry
Chad Michael Murray is somebody’s father – ICYDK
Tina Fey and Amy Schumer touched mouths at the Peabody Awards – Popsugar
And now for Vince Vaughn’s thoughts on gun control…and forks – Pajiba
Sadly, we won’t get to see Bill Murray as Ursula and a hipster Ariel, because Sofia Coppola has dropped out of The Little Mermaid movie – Just Jared