Archives: June 2015

Night Crumbs

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Jamie Dornan grew a stache and now looks like half of the 70s dads your friends tweeted on Throwback Father’s Day. And yes, yes, I would. I’d hit it, that stache and that neck canyon – Lainey Gossip 

Meh,” said Oliver and Kate Hudson when their bio dad Bill Hudson declared that they’re dead to him – Celebitchy

Hide yo glasses! Lisa Rinna will be back on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills next season – Reality Tea

Christina Milian is looking like a rejected Vanity 6 member and she’s never looked more elegant – Drunken Stepfather 

It’s a hamster BBQ! Don’t worry, no hamsters were barbecued – Hollywood Tuna

Lindsay Lohan’s chichis look like they’ve got the sads – The Superficial 

Caitlyn Jenner has totally been going through Pimp Mama Kris’ closet – Popsugar

Michael Sam and his pocket hottie piece are probably done – Towleroad

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence walked in front of the paps and she didn’t put chopsticks in her mouth or draw a pen stache on her face – Popoholic

This is what the lady Ghostbusters will be wearing – The Berry

Even Cheryl “Mop Head” Burke has had it with Donald Trump’s shit – Jezebel

Joni Mitchell’s conservator says the news about her not being able to speak is wrong – HuffPo

The ginger girl from Harry Potter is really all grown up now – Pajiba

Alex Trebek raps the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song and sounds like a serial killer while doing so – SOW

Orlando Bloom’s got a new piece – ICYDK

Gay marriage: Kids get it! (Specifically, the kids Jimmy Kimmel interviewed get it!) – OMG Blog

Today in WTF: Neve Campbell’s going to be in House of Cards next season – Just Jared

Pic: FameFlynet

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Open Post: Hosted By Marc Jacobs Giving Instagram The Tip

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Instagram is hard (unlike Marc Jacobs’ dick in the picture he accidentally showed the Internet). You think you’re dropping a picture of your nalgas and dick tip into the private box of some trick you met on Instagram and before you know it, you’ve accidentally posted it for everyone to see. That happened to Marc Jacobs last night.

Marc meant to DM a picture of his 52-year-old goods, along with the note “It’s yours to try,” to someone on Instagram, but he posted it instead. Marc Jacobs deleted it, but not before someone screen shot it and later dropped it into Gawker’s tip box. It looks like Marc to me, because only a highly-skilled gay pin-up model like him would bust out a come hither twist pose in an Instagram picture.

Oh, the dangers of sending pics of your bare body through the Internet. I mean, accidents happen. You’re drunk and stoned and think you’re sending a picture of your down low parts to a prospective trick, but accidentally post it as a Facebook status for all your friends and family members to see. Your auntie won’t even look at you at the next family reunion. That’s why if someone ever asks to see a picture of my goods (they won’t), I’ll just take a Polaroid and send it in the mail. Sure, mailing pictures of my naked body would get me in trouble for using the postal service to send toxic substances, but that’s better than my judgmental tia shaking her head at me while muttering the words, “Sucio pendejo.”

And Gawker has the NSFW version of MJ sticking the tip into Instagram.

 

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Jeremy Renner Doesn’t Care About The Rumors That He Loves Peen

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

For years there’s been rumors that Jeremy Renner’s tip gets moist for peen and hos have been whispering that there’s something going on between his longtime flip flop partner and roommate Kristoffer Winters who got in the middle of his wreck of a divorce fight with his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco. (And I mean “flip flop partner” in the “flipping houses together” sort of way.) The National Enquirer also recently-ish did a story about JEREMY RENNER’S GAY SECRET. But Jeremy has said before that he’s not gay and he’s sick of nosy whores sniffing his asshole for the scent of lube and dick. Jeremy was asked about the gay rumors again during an interview with Stephen Rebello for Playboy.

Stephen brought up the story Jeremy told The Hollywood Reporter about how he once choked out an asshole who called him a fag for wearing a scarf. Jeremy explained why he told that story and went on to say that he’s not going to talk about the gay rumors anymore right before he talked about the gay rumors:

I was mad at the interviewer and was kind of hammering him, saying, “I thought we were doing the cover of Hollywood Reporter, not OK! magazine.” And while I was hammering him, I figured, Okay, I’ll speak to this. But as a general rule I don’t respond to questions about my personal life. I’m not going to try to prove what I am or am not. It’s silly, right? When you google yourself and the first thing that comes up is “Jeremy Renner gay,” it’s like, “Oh, now you’ve arrived. You’re now a giant movie star.” So I just had a big laugh about it. I don’t care, ultimately, if that’s what people want to think, read and care about. Fucking say whatever the hell you want about me. Look at where we’re at socially—leaps and bounds ahead of where we started. That’s an amazing thing. To suggest that it’s negative, that being gay is a terrible thing, a perversion or whatever—I just don’t get it. Don’t you wish we were in a world where we’re not shaming, judging and boxing people in?

Oh, so the slut-hating slut-shaming slut-shamer wants to live in a shame-free world? Interesting.

But seriously, in the same interview, Jeremy talks about guns, says that Jennifer Lopez was maybe turned on by him staring at her Golden Globes, says the word “bro” and talks about how he choked a guy who pushed Julia Stiles in a bar. (Side note: Jeremy Renner is really into choking. Rough trade kinky bitch.) Jeremy was one “I love to slam Buds with my buddies at monster truck rallies” story away from screaming that he’s 100% heterosexual. I’m with Jeremy, though, reporters should stop asking him about the gay rumors. There’s much more interesting questions to ask him like how does he achieve his impeccable bunny eyeliner game.

 

Katy Perry Wants You To Know That Not A Lot Of Women Would Pose On The Cover Of Forbes

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Lydia Deetz’s Forever 21 equivalent Katy Perry is currently on the cover of Forbes magazine, thanks to the crapload of money she made last year singing, hustling makeup, and getting into middle school girl fights with Taylor Swift (I don’t know those two could monetize that, but I’m sure Tay Tay found a way). And when Katy Perry called up Forbes and agreed to appear on the cover, Forbes pulled up their fanciest fainting couch and collapsed, because women don’t normally agree to that sort of thing. Katy spilled the rich person tea on Instragram yesterday:

“Before accepting the offer to be on the cover of Forbes, I was told that a lot of women have previously shied away from doing it. I wondered if it was because they thought socially it would look like they were flaunting or bragging or it wasn’t a humble decision. Ladies, there is a difference between being humble and working hard to see the fruits of your labor blossom, and your dreams realized. Hopefully this cover can be an inspiration to women out there that it’s okay to be proud of hard earned success and that there is no shame in being a boss. Also…don’t think that I didn’t celebrate this moment by going straight to Taco Bell and getting my crunch wrap supreme”

Maybe they kept turning it down because they were afraid they’d end up looking like the bastard baby of Scrooge McDuck and Magica De Spell? Maybe.

Posing on the cover of Forbes with the number of dollars you made last year floating above your shoulder is one of the more shameless ways to say “I’M RICH, BITCH!!!“, but I don’t blame her. Katy Perry earned $135 million, and she should be proud of it. Sure, she’s a grown woman who dressed up night after night like a rejected Nick Jr. cartoon from the 90s to get it, but $135 million is $135 million.

Pics: Forbes

Bennifer 2.0 Is Over, For Real This Time

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Remember when a “sourcesaid those moving trucks outside of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s house weren’t there to move all his shit out and the trucks were being used to move out furniture before a big renovation? Well, either that source lied to us all or Ben and Jen are renovating their house so they get a bigger price on it when they sell that shit. Because Bennifer 2.0 announced today (the day after their 10th anniversary) that their marriage is done and they’re getting a divorce. Jennifer Garner is no longer fucking Ben Affleck. “I called it,” screamed pretty much every tabloid in the world.

Ben and Jennifer “exclusively” released this statement to People:

“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”

TMZ says that Ben and Jen are going to try to keep it clean and she’s not going to go all Stephanie March by ranting in court papers about how she was sick of him coming home and smelling like random pussy and casino smoke. They will share custody of their 3 children and are not going to file for divorce until they work out the property and custody situation.

And as the paps weep over the loss of Bennifer 2.0’s legendary photo-op struts, tabloid editors are also weeping, because now whose MARRIAGE CRISIS are they going to put on their covers every other month? (Answer: Beyonce and Jay-Z, probably.)

A Monkey Attacked Johnny Depp’s Makeup Artist On The Set Of Pirates Of The Caribbean

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

On the upside, that little monkey has already perfected his “I deeply regret my actions, Diane” face for his future exclusive interview with 20/20.

Johnny Depp’s messy down under animal adventure continues. First it was a dramatic fight with Australian agriculture officials over his Yorkie dogs Boo and Pistol being smuggled into the country, and now it’s an attack on his makeup artist by an angry monkey. What’s next? Amber Heard leaving him for Roger the buff kangaroo and taking his favorite hat with her?

According to the Daily Mail, Johnny’s makeup artist was taking a break on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean 5 when she found herself on the wrong end of a beat down from an actor monkey believed to be the same one who plays Geoffrey Rush’s sidekick, Jack the Monkey. The 54-year-old woman was reportedly hanging out on a sound stage (where a different movie was being shot) around noon today when the monkey ran up behind her and pulled a Mike Tyson by biting her ear. I guess that tiny Capuchin monkey mouth did some serious damage, because paramedics were called and she was rushed to the hospital.

Jack the Monkey was played by a monkey named Chiquita in the last 3 Pirates films, but there’s no word of whether or not it was Chiquita who went HAM on Johnny’s makeup artist. There’s also no word on what will happen to that angry monkey, but something tells me it just lost its SAG-AFTRA membership.

Even though Johnny’s makeup artist is currently stuck in the hospital recovering from her monkey bite, I doubt they’ll have to put shooting on hold. Johnny Depp doesn’t even really need a makeup artist; he’s become a pro at painting his own homeless hungover pirate drag.

Pic: YouTube

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Daddy Spears Better Give Brit Brit’s Twitter Writer A Raise

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.

Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)

Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t.  Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:

Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.

Paris Hilton Is Going To Sue The People Who Pranked Her With That Fake Plane Crash

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that Paris Hilton, seen above moments after she nearly pissed herself with fear after being “pranked” into thinking she was plunging to her death in an airplane by Egyptian prank show Ramez in Control, is beyond pissed at the “prank” and plans on suing the shit out of the people who set her up.

A source claims Paris wasn’t in on the joke and has apparently been telling her “business associates” (read: fellow mediocre button-pushing iTunes jockeys) that Ramez in Control will be hearing from her lawyers, because she has suffered emotional distress. She is also terrified to get in an airplane now. Well, at least now she knows how a penis feels once it realizes it’s about to enter Paris Hilton’s crotch of doom.

According to Paris, the pretend plane crash prank was way worse than it appeared in the video. She claims they almost hit the water during one of the dives and got dangerously close to doing a loop upside down. So not only was it a horrifying prank, it was also dangerous as fuck. No word on how much compensation for emotional distress Paris Hilton and her lawyers will be looking to squeeze out of Ramez in Control, but something tells me it will be enough to move Ramez to the 2:30am time slot on an Egyptian public access channel.

As anyone who enjoys a good prank knows, pranks aren’t supposed to be dangerous. They’re supposed to end with laughing. A better prank would have been to present Paris Hilton with an award for World’s Greatest DJ and Most Beloved Former Stupid Spoiled Whore before yanking it back and yelling “Sike! You’re still a crappy DJ and no one likes you.” Then she would have chuckled and said “Aw, you got me!” in that stupid fake baby voice of hers. We’d all laugh and Paris Hilton would be happy she got some attention. Everyone wins!

Bye Wig: NeNe Leakes Quits Real Housewives Of Atlanta

June 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Pour out a jar of lace front bonding glue and begin mourning the loss of NeNe Leakes giving us fucked-up looks like the one above, because the last remaining original member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is leaving the show that made her a legend (in her own wig-covered mind). After 7 seasons, NeNe has packed up her trunk of wigs (including my favorite, the Dutch Boy scarecrow on meth wig above) and said BLOOP! to those messes.

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