Archives: June 2015

Open Post: Hosted By A Memorial Fit For A True Legend

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

On June 22, former HSOTD and Japanese treasure Tama the Station Cat died of heart failure and retired to the great big train station in the sky at the age of 16. That day, a little piece of Dlisted’s blackened heart also died.

Tama the Station Cat choo choo’d her way into our hearts years ago when she became the official greeter at the Kishi train station in the Japanese city of Kinokawa. Tama was a stray cat, but was saved from the streets after the train station officials gave her a job. Tama got paid with tuna. She was later promoted to “operating officer” and with the new fancy title came a new fancy feathered cap which was very “captain in the Liberace army.”

Before Tama became the face of the Kishi train station, the local railway company was on the verge shutting down. After she became the face of the Kishi train station, they were able to pull themselves out of the financial gutter thanks to all the money they made from visitors who came to see the hardest-working pussy in Kinokawa.

The BBC says that Tama’s funeral was on Sunday and it was as lavish as her fashion sense. 3,000 of her fans came out to pay their respects to the feline savior of the Japanese train industry. The president of the Wakayama Electric Railway, Mitsunobu Kojima, spoke at her funeral and thanked her for saving his job. During the Shinto ceremony, Tama was also elevated to goddess status, because that’s just the right thing to do. Tama’s apurrentice Nitama has succeeded her as the Queen of the Kishi Station.

Rest in peace, Goddess Tama. You are now in heaven, single-pawdedly saving the train industry up there.

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And if getting a tattoo on your retinas was possible, I’d be at a tattoo shop handing that picture over to the artiste as I smear Dr. Numb cream on my eyeballs.

Pics: Facebook

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Tracee Ellis Ross Wants You To Know She Wasn’t Shading Tyga At The BET Awards

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though she appeared to be throwing a “Pedo, please” side-eye during the BET Awards last night, Tracee Ellis Ross would like to make it very clear she wasn’t doing that on purpose. In case you missed it, Tracee Ellis Ross’ maybe-shade moment happened as she was introducing a performance by Tyga and Chris Brown. For some reason, right before Tracee said Tyga’s name, she paused and looked off stage, then gritted her teeth. I like to imagine her mother makes the exact same face whenever she tells someone that she’s related to the Simpson family.

Of course, shortly after Tracee announced Tyga and Chris Brown’s performance, the internet assumed that was Tracee’s way of popping open a tiny cocktail umbrella and throwing an itty bitty hint of shade at Tyga. But Tracee says no. Tracee posted a video on Instagram of her trying to pronounce Tyga’s name and explained that she doesn’t hate him.

“Absolutely not thowing shade at @kinggoldchains (I’m not the shade throwing type) as u might remember from my TMurda “further exploration” video I have trouble saying his name right & I was nervous. I was hosting a live show. I was fighting in my head cause I was so scared I would say it the wrong way. That would have been awful. Saw him as he came off stage and there was nothing but love. You rock Tyga.”

Would it have killed her to name drop his underage girlfriend while she was at it???” hissed Kris Jenner.

I think it’s pretty obvious that Tracee wasn’t throwing shade. If she wanted to, she wouldn’t have done it herself. She would have called legendary diva Diana Ross to the stage to do it for her. If you have access to the best, you get the best. The best part is, Tyga would have never even have known he was being shaded, because Diana Ross wouldn’t have even read his name off the teleprompter.

Because I don’t want to leave you with the taste of Tyga in your mouth, here’s Tracee walking the BET Awards red carpet before the show with Anthony Anderson.

Pics: Splash/INF

NBC Says “Begone Bitch” To Donald Trump

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

NBC announced today that they have removed the hairy, pus-filled throbbing pimple that was stuck to their ass cheeks. Univision dropped the Miss Universe pageant after Donald Trump said that immigrants from Mexico are drug-dealing rapists during his fuckery-filled presidential announcement speech. Well, now NBC has joined Univision in saying, “No, you’re fired, bitch,” to the mutated baboon ass. After a petition asking NBC to get rid of Trump got close to 200,000 signatures, the network said in a statement that they will no longer air the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageants. They also made it sound like they’re going to replace him on the Celebrity Apprentice. (Excuse me while I run off to start a petition to ask NBC to replace Trump with the world’s greatest mogul Harald Glööckler.)

“At NBC, respect and dignity for all people are cornerstones of our values.

Due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants, NBCUniversal is ending its business relationship with Mr. Trump. To that end, the annual Miss USA and Miss Universe Pageants, which are part of a joint venture between NBC and Trump, will no longer air on NBC. In addition, as Mr. Trump has already indicated, he will not be participating in “Celebrity Apprentice” on NBC. Celebrity Apprentice is licensed from Mark Burnett’s United Artists Media Group and that relationship will continue.”

I see NBC trying to make us all think that they fired Trump because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are against their “values” and not because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are screwing with their money.

Trump, of course, burped up some crap about how NBC didn’t dump him, he dumped NBC. And of course, he threatened to sue their asses along with Univision.

“They did not want me to run. They wanted me to do The Apprentice. And now with my statements on immigration which happen to be correct, they are going to take a different stance and that’s OK. Whatever they want to do is OK with me. As far as ending the relationship, I have to do that because my view on immigration is much different than the people at NBC.”

Trump also released a long shit bag of a statement on Instagram. If you don’t want to read that statement, just watch this old video of a farting hippo instead. It sums up Trump’s words perfectly, but is much less shittier.

And NBC should’ve let Mexican novela queen Soraya Montenegro do the honor of firing Trump by screaming one of her legendary largates at him.

Katy Perry Is In The Middle Of A Messy Fight With Two Nuns Over The Sale Of A Convent

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Random, thy name is all the words I just typed above. Katy Perry, looking like what my extremely Catholic elderly neighbor would describe as a “Jesus-needing heathen floozy” above, is currently in the middle of a fight with some nuns. Watch out, 13-year-old Catholic school troublemakers  – Katy Perry is coming for your game.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Katy Perry wants to buy the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary convent in Los Feliz, which was being sold by the five nuns who were living in it. So she called up Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and told him she’d pay $14.5 million in cash for the convent. When Jesus heard the words “$14.5 million in cash“, he appeared in Jose’s toast and was like “Duh dude, take it” and that was that. The only problem is, the nuns who are selling the convent say it’s theirs to sell and they don’t want to sell their house to that trollop Katy Perry.

Bristol Palin Got Knocked Up On Purpose, So Says Bristol Palin

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Nearly everything that comes out of Bristol Palin’s mouth hole is a certified lie. Two cases in point: 1) When she told everyone that she was keeping her legs closed, because abstinence is the only way, she was going to Fuck Town on the Bareback Highway. 2) When she said in her depressing pregnancy announcement that she really wants privacy, she meant that she wants everybody to pay attention to her as much as possible. Because Bristol threw up more words on her blog yesterday and she had something to say to the “giddy a$$holes” who called her out as the hypocrite she is. (Side note: “Giddy asshole” sounds like the condition my no-no gets when I look at pictures of Prince Hot Ginge.)

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Amy Schumer Has No Interest In Looking Like A “Malnourished Bird”

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Um, WUDE!” hissed Tweety Bird, aka the most malnourished bird I could think of. And don’t try to tell me Tweety wasn’t severely malnourished; his arms were like toothpicks. I don’t know what Granny was feeding him, but it was clearly nutritionally deficient.

During a press conference for her new film Trainwreck (which isn’t a behind-the-scenes documentary about the making of Lifetime’s upcoming Full House movie, I checked), Amy Schumer poured a gallon of Screw It™ syrup on an extra-tall stack of truth cakes while talking about how few fucks she gives about her body. According to Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer won’t be working a set of razor-sharp cheekbones or wrists that could snap from a strong gust of wind any time soon, because Amy Schumer is OK with how Amy Schumer currently looks.

“It’s very therapeutic for me to be like, ‘Yes, I’m not going to look like a malnourished bird,’ and I like speaking to that, as well as speaking to my work and what I’m doing.”

I have no idea what Amy Schumer is talking about. I spent the past four days horking my lungs out and sleeping, and the only food I could keep down was something I invented called a Sleepy Sno-Cone (crushed ice and NyQuil). I was subsisting on about 34 calories a day, and I’ve never looked better. My face is all sharp angles, like an elderly ostrich. Does it have something to do with the fact that I was carrying 10 to 12 pounds of excess Pop-Tarts weight in my face before I got sick? And will it probably go back to the way it was before after my weekly Wednesday night Taco Bell binge? Shut up, that’s irrelevant.

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ICYMI: Diddy Goes Down At The BET Awards

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.

The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.

The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.

Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.

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It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.

And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.

Pics: Splash

Rihanna Had A “Bitch Better Have My Money” Moment At The BET Awards Last Night

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

And now we know what it looks like when Rihanna mimes a bored wave with a pile of cash in her hand.

RiRi showed up to the BET Awards last night, because a party truly isn’t a party until Princess Pass-The-Blunt arrives. And also because she’s got a new video to hustle. “Bitch Better Have My Money“, a song which I assume is about Rihanna shaking down Rita Ora for a portion of her unlicensed impersonator profits, has been assaulting our ears with yuh-yeahs and blap-blap-blaps since March. Three months later, it looks like we’re finally getting a video. RiRi showed a trailer for “Bitch Better Have My Money” (the whole video gets released on Thursday) last night during the BET Awards, and she did it in the most RiRi way possible: by whipping a stack of cash at BET President of Programming Stephen Hill’s face before she stepped on stage.

Hot Slut Of The Day

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

The BBC subtitle writer who couldn’t give less of a fuck while live captioning Kanye West’s performance at Glastonbury!

If you were in charge of typing out the words that came out of Kanye Kardashian’s self-appointed holy mouth at Glastonbury, you’d either try to be accurate or you’d switch yourself into “no fucks given mode,” pop open a bottle and not even try. Any sane person would go with the latter and that’s what BBC’s subtitle writer did. During Glastonbury, Kanye got a gigantic spoonful of his own medicine and The Who double slapped him for saying he’s a rock “God,” but the greatest Kanye slap down came from BBC’s genius subtitle writer who tried to PG-ify his lyrics before giving up entirely.

The BBC subtitle writer typed “ligga” instead of “nigga” and “motherducker” instead of “motherfucker.” “Ligga” sounds like the name of an Ikea bookshelf that takes approximately 7 hours to put together (and it’ll still break when you put more than 3 things on it) and “motherducker” sounds like the name for hitting the “decline” button on your iPhone when your mom calls.

Even the BBC subtitle writer has their limits and they eventually made Kanye’s lyrics more sensible and poetic by just typing “something something.” You’ve never truly understood Kanye’s lyrics until the BBC subtitle writer interpreted them perfectly.

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I don’t know who the hell Bev is, but I’m guessing Bev is the subtitle writer’s supervisor and hired them. Well, Bev, the subtitle writer and all the other motherduckers responsible need to be given a major raise, because they took Kanye’s Glastonbury performance to brand new levels of brilliant. And here’s more of my new Give No Fucks hero in action:

via Jezebel

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