Before we get to the mental image of a come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet demanding the puppeteer operating her to “work the hand hole“, can we talk about what in the Windows 98 Word Art hell is going on with Cosmopolitan’s name up there on that cover? If you replaced the word COSMOPOLITAN with the words THE FACE ON THE MILK CARTON, you’d have the title page for one of my 6th grade book reports.
Okay, back to that puppet sex. Singing pile of rubber parts and hair Nicki Minaj (trust me, I mean that in the nicest way possible) recently did an interview for the July issue of Cosmopolitan, and if you’ve ever wondered what Nicki Minaj is like when Nicki Minaj gets her bedsheets freak on, well – here you go.
“I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that. I have a friend who’s never had an orgasm in her life. In her life! That hurts my heart. It’s cuckoo to me. We always have orgasm interventions where we, like, show her how to do stuff. We’ll straddle each other, saying, ‘You gotta get on him like that and do it like this.’ She says she’s a pleaser. I’m a pleaser, but it’s fifty-fifty.”
Never? NEVER?!? Somebody hold my beer while I faint from the horror of it all. That poor person! I’m happy that Nicki and her friends are holding their own orgasm interventions, but this is exactly the reason A&E needs to dig Intervention out of retirement. People are doing their own interventions at home, and you know they don’t have the experience of Intervention legends Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen. With their limited training, they can’t be doing much more than just presenting the poor orgasmless soul with a half-used Hitachi Magic Wand and a DVD of Magic Mike and asking if they’ll accept the help they’re offering.
Nicki also posed for a couple pictures, and I’ve slipped them after the cut.
I’m not sure what’s going on here besides the fact that it reminds me of the time I tried to convince my friends I had an indoor swimming pool in my house by taking a picture of myself in the bathtub with my bathing suit on. Yes, I was 7, but I still should have known better. Besides, the bottle of Pert Plus behind me was a dead giveaway.
This would be a perfect National Costume outfit for the next Miss Universe pageant. Yes, Canada killed it last year with her Stanley Cup Couture, but America could yank back her crown with Nicki’s Stars and Stripes and Silicone Titties outfit above. And for those of you staring at Nicki’s bottoms and thinking “Are you serious? We can almost oh-say-can-you-see into Nicki’s anaconda den“, may I remind you that those cut-outs only reveal an implied glimpse of top crotch, and really, isn’t the top of the crotch truly the classiest part of the crotch? Exactly.