Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The “Zestfully clean!” towel from the Zest commercials.

Every morning, when my body awakens from the wine and pork rinds-induced coma it was put in the night before, the broken down, water-damaged wooden music box I call a brain starts thinking of a song. I usually think of some stupid ass pop song and it lives in my head the entire day. But the other day, I woke up thinking of the Zest jingle, so of course, I had to watch old Zest commercials. That earworm of a jingle made its debut in Zest commercials sometime in the 1980s and they still use it.

In the commercials, overexcited person after overexcited person gets so¬†overexcited about being zestfully clean. Who in the hell is that excited about showering? Actually, I’m sure the tricks who hump on Charlie Sheen are that excited when they wash away his smegma from their bodies with Zest in the shower.

The secret ingredient in Zest must be opiates and these messes must be snorting the foam in the shower, because they are unnaturally happy and exited. You’re not fully high until you’re zestfully high!

The towels were almost as legendary as that damn jingle. I remember that if you sent in a few “proof of purchase” codes from a Zest bar and a few dollars for shipping, they’d sent you a towel. The ones from the 80s and early 90s must be considered precious works of art now and I’m surprised I haven’t read how one was sold for tens of millions of dollars at Sotheby’s.

And you haven’t officially been christened as a child of the 80s until you’ve done the Zestfully clean towel stretch in your bathroom mirror.

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