When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.
I’m still not entirely convinced I didn’t just watch a Pinterest-sponsored ad for ChristianMingle.com or a trailer for an upcoming Nicholas Sparks movie. Wait a minute – maybe Nikki and Ian got married so fast because this is all just part of a publicity stunt for a Twilight/Vampire Diaries cross-over episode and this is the teaser for it? That would explain the part where Ian got dressed at the speed of light.
Of course, if that video didn’t warm the cockles of your heart, the captioned Nikki wrote for the video might:
My every dream brought to life
A cosmic collision
A lifetime felt in every moment I’m by your side
My human…happy one month.”
With this ring I thee CAN’T with that “cosmic collision” nonsense. What’s so cosmic about it? They’re two actors from Hollywood who are known for playing blood suckers and love farmers markets; frankly, I’d be more surprised if they didn’t get together.
But there are two questions that video doesn’t answer for me. One, why in the hell were they the only ones raising their hands in the air during that group shot? And two, WHERE THE HELL WAS THE CAKE? A wedding video is nothing without a close-up shot of that delicious cake.