Who Hasn’t Tried To Get Out Of An Arrest By Offering To Toss The Cop’s Salad?

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.

The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.

Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.

You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:

1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.

2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.

That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.

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