I’m about as musical as a dehydrated piece of rutabaga, but I’m thinking of starting a band just so I can call it Exotic Model Friend.
This past weekend, the Princess of Wasilla Bristol Palin (Side note: The next time I go outside and a snowball hits my head, I’m just going to assume that an angry bitch from Wasilla threw it at me from Alaska as punishment for calling Bristol Palin their city’s princess.) was supposed to walk down a moose rug runner to a Skynyrd song while wearing a custom-made Cabela’s camo gown, but that didn’t happen. Bristol hit the kill switch on her planned wedding to her fiancé of a second Dakota Meyer (the dude in the middle giving you lopsided Caesar cut) and it may or may not have something to do with him having a secret first wife. Bristol later claimed that she knew all about Dakota’s first wife and said he divorced her a while ago. Bristol didn’t say if her and Dakota’s love is now roadkill, but it looks like it is and it’s obvious her initials aren’t going to become BM (Bristol Meyer) anytime soon. Actually, if they did get married, Dakota should’ve taken Bristol’s last name so he could have the greatest initials ever: DP.
Sarah Palin burped out a statement saying that her family and Dakota’s family planned to turn the canceled wedding into a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ, because I guess they couldn’t get their deposit back. The BBQ happened on Saturday and many guests probably asked themselves, “Hmm, something is missing. Why am I not pulling out my cellphone to record an angry brown-headed chick beating a trick over the head with her UGG?” The answer is: Because Bristol wasn’t there!
Sarah Palin was at the Damage Control BBQ, but Bristol was all the way back home in Alaska with her son Tripp and her “exotic model friend” Marina Lupas. Bristol made it clear that she was far from that BBQ in Kentucky by posting pictures on Instagram with captions like: “enjoying this beautiful weekend in AK.” Bristol also threw up a picture of her and her exotic model friend. I’m posting it, because I know you’ve been wondering what an Alaska-based exotic model friend looks like.
Bristol’s exotic model friend’s Instagram bio is the Instagram bio of dreams. Who wouldn’t want their bio to look like this:
And if you haven’t had your daily dose of Vitamin G (for glamour) today, click here to see a NSFW-ish glamorous picture of Bristol’s exotic model friend doing some exotic modeling stuff for Exotic Russian 2016 Calendar in the hotel bathroom of a Crowne Plaza. Yeah, Bristol’s exotic model friend is Russian. When exotic model friend goes to Sarah Palin’s house, I wonder if Mama Grizzly points at her and says, “I can see Russian in my house!” By the way, if you’re in Alaska and always looking for an exotic model friend to do exotic modeling for you, her business’ Facebook page says they’re “always open.”
The whole thing is just bizarre even for the Palins. It’s understandable that Bristol doesn’t want to eat her repurposed wedding food in the place she was supposed to get married at. But why did Sarah Palin go? Instead of being with her daughter, Sarah took her Bump-It to Kentucky to hang out with the would-be-groom. Dakota Meyer is a Medal of Honor recipient, so Sarah Palin must really, really want to be the mother-in-law of an American war hero. The Daily Mail has a picture of Sarah throwing up a finger at Dakota at the Damage Control BBQ. They think she’s telling him off. I don’t think Sarah is saying, “Mama Grizzy ain’t the one.” I think she’s drunkenly saying to him, “Listen, kiddo, I’ve got ONE other daughter of legal marryin’ age, so if you take her, I’ll put her in that camo wedding dress and we’ll do this sucker right now.”