Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Mooscles, the pumped up mascot of Applegate Farms.

Up until reader Bert dropped this into my inbox a few days ago, I didn’t know that Applegate Farms (aka the makers of that fancy organic bacon you splurge on when you want to feel like you’re living like Beyonce) had commercials and I really didn’t know that they had a mascot. But for a while now, they’ve been squirting out commercials starring their mascot Mooscles, the muscle piece in a cow suit that squeezed out of a bodybuilding bull’s asshole months after that cattle was implanted with an HGH capsule that was fertilized with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nipple discharge.

In each commercial, Mooscles’ Dolph Lundgren-in-a-cow-suit-looking ass tries to convince a shopper to try his meat (which is full of hormones and stuff) and the shopper tells him that she wants all-natural meat. The commercials really make no sense to me. I mean, that buff piece in a cow suit is basically saying to them “Do you want to go out back and bone?” and each shopper is like, “Naw, it’s okay, I want to buy this package of hot dogs instead.” The HELL? Who would rather buy a package of hot dogs than have a quickie in a supermarket back alley with Kellan Lutz’s daddy in a cow suit?

Of course, some pearl clutchers were highly offended by this commercial. I found this comment from a highly offended person named Barbara on Applegate’s website:

Would just like to tell you that your commercial with the body builder in a dog costume is a crude commercial. I hope that is not the quality of your products!

Shush, nobody tell Barbara that’s not a dog costume he’s wearing. It makes me happy knowing that somewhere in the world is a person trying to play fetch with a cow.

And I hope Applegate Farms starts selling cheese-filled hot dogs soon, because I need to see that commercial.

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