When most of us want to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with our money, we pour some Andre into a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard. (Although, none of us do that, because why waste the sparkling piss of the Gods that is Andre?) But when Beyonce wants to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with her and Jay Z’s billion dollar fortune, she pours almost half of the national average salary into a hot tub during a video shoot. Maybe!
The fingers of Twitter did their daily Riverdance of rage on keyboards yesterday when someone pointed out that it looks like Beyonce is pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac (aka Ace of Spades) into a hot tub in her and Nicki Minaj’s video for “Feeling Myself.” E! News says that a bottle of Armand de Brignac ranges from $300 a bottle to It Doesn’t Even Fucking Matter Because None Of Us Can Afford That Shit Anyway. One Twitterer believes that the exact bottle that Beyonce is holding costs between $10,000 and $20,000. “Bathing in it? How utterly provincial!” said Oprah while shitting into a diamond-encrusted platinum toilet filled with Ace of Spades.
As E! points out, Beyonce most likely got that shit for free since Jay Z owns Ace of Spades. So basically, this is free advertising for Jay Z’s overpriced booze and I’m falling for it. Dammit.
There’s a chance that Beyonce’s not even pouring out champagne. She could be pouring out water or the tears she collected from Jay Z’s ducts as he cried while reading Tidal’s monthly revenue report. If someone tracks down the actual location of that hot tub, I’m willing to investigate so we’ll know if we should be OUTRAGED!!! or not. And by “investigate” I mean stick a giant straw into that hot tub and suck everything up, because I’m a freegan when it comes to booze and it hurts me to see one drop of the sweet nectar go to waste. But you know, I’m sure the Beyhive already beat me to it. That hot tub is probably empty, because the Beyhive drank up all that dirty water since their God marinated in it for a minute.
IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THIS IMPORTANT STORY: Defamer says that the bottle Beyonce poured into that hot tub was probably only $300. All this talk about champagne is making me thirsty. If I only I kept a bottle of the finest champagne (read: Korbel) in my temperature controlled wine cellar (read: my refrigerator).