Goopy Paltrow Is Totally Okay With Her Kids Eating A “Radioactive Cherry” If That’s What They Want

May 19, 2015 / Posted by:

I was going to have an 8th cup of coffee (aka non-organic, peon coffee beans that didn’t come out of the ass of a weasel cat in Indonesia) with a spoonful of Coffee-Mate (aka processed toxic powder), but now I don’t need it! Nothing gives me a quick pick-me-up like reading what Goopy Paltrow has to say about diet and stuff. It’s eyeball calisthenics time!

It was only two years ago when Goopy wrote about how her family is allergic to everything so they stay away from carbs, dairy and chicken eggs and sometimes it leaves their stomachs singing the chorus of Annie Lenox’s Why. But since Goopy is still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, she has come down from her sky high ivory tower to mingle with us McDonald’s-eating peasants and let us know that sometimes her children eat the same dumpster food we do and it’s okay. During an interview with Women’s Health (via People and UsWeekly), the failed poor person gooped at the mouth about her diet philosophy and also said that one of the keys to living a healthy life is to get her goop hole gooped as much as possible.

On her beauty regimen: “I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself. I’m not like, ‘Then I use this masque that I make on my stove.'”

On being 42: “I feel way more comfortable in a bathing suit now than I did 20 years ago!”

On how she breaks her diet sometimes: “The other day I was flying and the turbulence was so bad, I was like, ‘Fuck this.’ I had a Bloody Mary in the middle of the day.” (FYI: The Bloody Mary she had isn’t the same kind of Bloody Mary all of us have. She had a Blood Mary made with the preserved blood of the Queen of Scots with a splash vodka made from La Bonnotte.)

On her usual routine: “My routine is the same every weekday. I drop my kids at school. I do an hour of dance cardio, then I go to work. For lunch I usually have a big salad with grilled chicken, and then for dinner I’ll have whatever I want. Most nights I eat with the kids, like, a stir-fry of chicken and broccoli or pasta or roast chicken and potatoes.”

On how she’ll gladly let Apple and Moses poison their insides with toxic stone fruit: “My food philosophy is: Nothing should be ruled out. I don’t believe in saying, ‘You’re not allowed that.’ If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?”

Radioactive Cherry sounds like the name of a virgin superhero.

I’m sure Goopy is totally okay with her kids tainting their bodies with those cherries of destruction. The only catch is that afterward they have to spend 10 days in a decontamination tent where they undergo a dolphin amniotic fluid and Yuzu cleanse and later get their tongues replaced with brand new tongues that haven’t been tainted with radioactive cherry juice. As long as they do that, they can eat all the radioactive cherries they want!

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