Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 17, 2015 / Posted by:

The creepy clock at FAO Schwarz! 

For years and years, NYC institution FAO Schwarz has been in danger of shutting down its flagship store on Fifth Avenue, because the rent is too damn high. When FAO Schwarz can’t pay the rent, the rent really is too damn high. When the FAO Schwarz Toy Soldier has to sell his ass on the ho stroll to make rent, the rent really is too damn high. When Patrick the Pup Plush has to turn off the lights, lock the door and hide every time the landlord comes looking for rent money, the rent really is too damn high.

Toys ‘R Us, who bought FAO Schwarz in 2009, said that it will close FAO Schwarz’s Fifth Avenue store this July and they’re looking for a spot somewhere in Manhattan to reopen it. That probably won’t happen until next year, so for the first time since 1870, there will not be an FAO Schwarz open in NYC. Toys ‘R Us is also closing up its massive ass store in Times Square at the end of next year, because again, the rent is too damn high. People also don’t really buy stuff at Toys ‘R Us and FAO Schwarz anymore, because toys are cheaper on Amazon and at Walmart.

It’s end of an era! What other Manhattan toy store can I can get kicked out of after making the children cry while drunkenly recreating the piano scene from Big? (That’s never happened to me, but it was one of my life goals.) Where are people going to buy $10,000 giraffe stuffed animals?

More importantly, what’s going to happen to the gigantic creepy-faced, shifty clock who wears way too much rouge and sings the song that has been stuck in my head for years. While that clock is in between gigs, the FBI should hire it to torture its enemies by singing this song on a loop:

Why did I listen to that song again? Cut to next week when I’m in a padded room, rocking back and forth while singing that song over and over again. While peering into the window on my padded room door, my doctor will say to my nurse, “Looks like that song got another one.”

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