Janet Jackson Just Announced That She’s Releasing A New Album AND Going On Tour

May 16, 2015 / Posted by:

I did the exact same thing Janet Jackson is doing above when I heard that she’s releasing another album of whispery pop warbles, except I also tried to sing-scream the high note from “He Doesn’t Know I’m Alive” and my voice cracked like a 13-year-old boy. But it doesn’t even matter, because I’m too excited about the news that Janet Jackson is returning after what feels like a 40-year hiatus (technically it’s only been seven years since Discipline, but whatever – when your brain is 80% Diet Dr. Pepper-pickled mush like mine is, time is irrelevant).

Normally when it’s your birthday, you hold out your arms and wait for them to be filled with presents. But today Janet decided to give a gift to the world instead by announcing on Twitter that she was releasing new music and leaving her billionaire husband with a couple frozen dinners so she could go on a world tour. And when I say announcing, I mean announcing – all we get is Janet’s voice lit up in green lights like she’s the Wizard of Oz or something.

I guess they had trouble lighting Janet’s face in a way that makes her look like a drawing of Janet Jackson (aka how she usually looks in promo shots). That, or she was too busy getting fitted for the 400 random belts she’ll wear during that tour. So many belts! The woman loves belts.

Janet’s tweet announcement also contained the hashtag “#ConversationsInACafe“, which could be the name of the album or the name of the tour. Personally, I hope it’s neither! Conversations In A Cafe sounds like an album by John Tesh that was recorded in association with Panera Bread. Maybe my standards are too high, but I expect more from someone who once headlined something called the Rock Witchu Tour.

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