Bill Cosby Talked About Those Sexual Assault Allegations To ABC News, And It Was A Mess

May 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Oh, Bill Cosbyspoke out” alright; he spoke out, in, up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways. He was the great glass elevator of talking, and all directions lead to NO. Bill Cosby recently spoke to ABC News about those sexual assault allegations that will not go away, no matter how many times he tries to Swiffer sweeper that shit under the rug. I don’t know if he was sucking back a couple fermented pudding pops in the green room before the interview or just doing an impression of a dude who should probably stop talking, but it was a mess.

I’m not sure why ABC News’ Linsey Davis even bothered asking structured questions, because Bill Cosby was answering in riddles. Everything he said sounded like something you’d read in a fortune cookie from a factory run by the Cheshire Cat. Now that I’ve warned you about just how many brain cells it will take to process it all, here’s what Bill Cosby had to say about those sexual assault allegations:

On the students – who he is speaking to later today in Alabama – confronting him over his alleged creepy pepaw ways:
“I think that many of them may say, ‘Well, you are a hypocrite. You say one thing, you say another.’ My point is, ‘OK, listen to me carefully. I’m telling you where the road is out. I’m telling you where, as you drive, you are going to go into the water. Now, you want to go here or you want to be concerned about who is giving you the message?”

On whether the allegations will overshadow anything he does:
“I have been in this business 52 years. I’ve never seen anything like this. And reality is the situation. And I can’t speak.”

On his legacy…or something:
“I really know about what I want to do tomorrow — in the tomorrows that follow. I have a ton of ideas to put on television about people and their behavior and their love for each other.”

Once again, Bill Cosby says both everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe his lawyers have advised him that the best way to deny those allegations is to talk like a magnetic poetry kit. I should really study this for the next time I get called for jury duty. “Your honor, I’m telling you as you drive to where there is water. And the reality is the situation. And I can’t speak. The rise of the sun, but also OK – let me tomorrow you. Would you like to hear more, or is that enough to convince you I’m not mentally fit to serve on a jury.

Here’s the interview, if you want to watch what Bill Cosby looks like when he’s trying not to answer a question.

I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but does anyone else notice that Bill Cosby pokes the tip of his tongue out a lot? Maybe that’s his tell, like Robert Durst and his constant guilty blinking. Or maybe that’s just his tongue trying to escape from his mouth and take a break from all that talking.

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