“That better be sweat glistening on your face, you coochie-chasing club-swinging ho” is what I like to imagine Lindsey Vonn was thinking while staring at Tiger Woods. Who knows? If the Daily Mail is correct, there’s a good chance she was. A “close friend” tells the Daily Mail that the reason one of boring’s favorite couples recently broke up is because he slipped his 5 wood into another hole (I know that makes zero sense, but golf metaphors are hard). The point is, I’m sure we’re all so absolutely shocked that a notorious cheater would get caught cheating. I’m shocked!
Apparently it happened after Tiger was eliminated from the Farmer’s Insurance Open in February. Tiger was super bummed out, so he decided to drown his sorrows in strange snatch. Unfortunately, he was about as discreet as a fart ripped during a fuck; someone spotted him with his one-night side piece, so he decided to confess to Lindsey that she’s basically his Elin Nordegren 2.0. But according to their source, it totally didn’t mean anything:
“Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.”
Usually when I want to relax after a long day, I crawl into bed with a box of red wine and listen to Ambien-voiced angel Bob Ross. But sneaking behind my partner’s back to fuck a stranger works too, I guess. At least there’s a clear pattern now; if you are a blonde woman whose last name ends with an N and you’re humping on Tiger Woods on a full-time basis and he starts to get a little stressed out, he WILL Calgon-take-his-peen-away to another pussy.