Just Call Her St. Porn Iguana: Courtney Stodden Will Donate Her Sex Tape Profits To Charity

Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.

If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.

Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.

But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!