If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.