What McDonald’s needs to be doing is using all of their energy and time to make all-day breakfast a dream come true everywhere, but instead they’re screwing with their mascots again. They already made everyone scream “I’m hatin’ it” when they made Ronald McDonald put on some hideous cargo pants and they made everyone shit in their pants (without eating anything from McDonald’s) when they introduced the psychopath Happy Meal mascot. And now they’ve gone after the Hamburglar.
The Hamburglar used to be a bucktoothed ginger with crackhead eyes and I don’t think anybody thought he needed a makeover. But McDonald’s did and felt like it was time for him to grow up. Believe it or not, the picture above is not a picture of a generic Walmart Halloween costume of a character they have to call “The Meat Sandwich Robber” for trademark reasons. It’s a picture of the new hipsterfied Hamburglar. McDonald’s tells Mashable that the Hamburglar pressed pause on hamburger-stealing to move to the suburbs and raise kids. WHA?!
“We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”
The new Hamburglar looks like a douche dad who wanted to be Zorro for Halloween, but didn’t want to spend any money so he wore his son’s sneakers, his daughter’s striped shirt from American Apparel, the mask that came in a Fifty Shades of Grey gift basket his wife won at work and the black trench coat he wore when he was The Pick-Up Artist one year. Well, I will say that the new Hamburglar looks more threatening than every member of the Suicide Squad.
With all that being said, yes, I would. I’d let him snatch my beef and burgle my ham. I don’t know what that means exactly, but you get the picture, which is why you’re probably pouring bleach on your head.