Normally when a famous type wins an Oscar, they clutch it and kiss it and stare at it all day long and stick it up their ass just so they can feel closer to it. But not Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman couldn’t give a single floating swan turd about the Oscar she won in 2010. In fact, Natalie Portman recently admitted to The Hollywood Reporter that she isn’t even sure where her Oscar is. Anne Hathaway just fainted, woke up, then fainted again.
“I don’t know where it is. I think it’s in the safe or something. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it in a while. I mean, Darren [Aronovsky] actually said to me something when we were in that whole thing that resonated so deeply. I was reading the story of Abraham to my child and talking about, like, not worshipping false idols. And this is literally like gold men. This is literally worshipping gold idols — if you worship it. That’s why it’s not displayed on the wall. It’s a false idol.”
“You know, there are some people would kill to have one of those little gold idols displayed on their wall” said a sad Leonardo DiCaprio, as he wipes away a tear with the unused acceptance speech he keeps in his pocket at all times.
But gagging over her Academy Award isn’t the only thing Natalie doesn’t have time for. Natalie is currently living in France, and just like how she swatted at all those nasty déclassé American bitches in shorts, she also has words about how much more perfectly cultured people are over there:
“I love that people at dinner want to have a serious conversation – and only a serious conversation. They’ll be upset if you don’t have something interesting happen. I love that my kid wants to go to art museums after school – like, ‘Take me to the Pompidou.’ I love that it’s also not elitist, as it is in New York. You can afford to go to the philharmonic or the opera much more easily because all of it’s subsidized. And there’s a huge culture of cinema there.”
Um, excuse you Natalie, but we have a huge culture of cinema over here too. Example: there’s a movie theater near me that is playing both Showgirls and Striptease this month, AND they sell wine. If that’s not the definition of culture, I don’t know what is.