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May 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Fruit Wheats!

I’ve said this a million times before (I could say that about anything I’ve said before, because I’ve said everything a million times before), but growing up, my mom wouldn’t let us eat any sugary junk food shit and tried to fill our bodies with only healthy stuff. Sometimes I’d want sugary shit so bad that I’d eat spoonfuls of sugar and if I knew that mainlining and snorting the stuff would’ve hit me faster, I would’ve done that. When I’m sitting in the corner of my darkened bedroom with empty Fruit Pie and Three Musketeers wrappers around me and the floor is covered with Thin Mint crumbs and the almonds I spit out while eating Almond Joys (almonds have no business in a junk food binge), I blame my mom for not feeding me trash food as a child.

But every now and again, she would give us sugary deliciousness and sometimes she’d buy us stuff she thought was extra healthy. Case in point: Fruit Wheats! Nabisco Fruit Wheats were exactly what they look like. They were shredded wheat squares that fell in love with a fruit and got bareback fucked by it, which is why it was full of fruit filling.

They were delicious and I didn’t even bother eating them with milk. Why ruin that raw goodness with milk?! Fruit Wheats are no longer with us and there’s other cereals like it out there, but they’re not the same. Besides, none of them have a theme jingle as amazing as this one:

One of the 11 vitamins and minerals in Fruit Wheats was obviously Vitamin E (for Ecstasy), because those people are way too happy.

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