A serious, serious thing happened the other day: Joss Whedon quit Twitter. And Joss Whedon quit around the same time that the poetic child of a peyote plant and a PM. Dawn lyrics sheet, Jaden Smith, quit too. How we’ll be able to pick up the pieces and go on as a people is beyond me.
I figured that Joss Whedon left Twitter, because the Avengers: Age of Ultron made six trajillion dollars and it’s kind of hard to type 140 character-long tweets while you’re doing yourself with a solid gold dildo as one slave exfoliates your bald head with crushed canary diamonds and another slave massages your balls with a Pegasus feather. But others figured Joss Whedon quit the bitch that is Twitter because feminists dragged his ass for the way Black Widow was treated in Age of Ultron. Others argued that it’s not solely Joss Whedon’s fault, because he was basically Marvel’s well-paid corporate bitch and they fought over storylines and scenes in the Avengers. Patton Oswalt piped in and also said that the tea party version of feminists chased Joss away. (Patton Oswalt later deleted that tweet and took it back. But when is he going to take back his unholy rant against ginger angel Phoebe Price?!)
Joss Whedon wanted to put a stop to all the talk that the mean, angry feminists made him pick up his toys and leave the playground. So Joss called Buzzfeed and told them that he didn’t leave Twitter because of the Avengers hate. He left because he needs to get shit done.
“That is horseshit,” he told BuzzFeed News by phone on Tuesday. “Believe me, I have been attacked by militant feminists since I got on Twitter. That’s something I’m used to. Every breed of feminism is attacking every other breed, and every subsection of liberalism is always busy attacking another subsection of liberalism, because god forbid they should all band together and actually fight for the cause.
“I saw a lot of people say, ‘Well, the social justice warriors destroyed one of their own!’ It’s like, Nope. That didn’t happen,” he continued. “I saw someone tweet it’s because Feminist Frequency pissed on Avengers 2, which for all I know they may have. But literally the second person to write me to ask if I was OK when I dropped out was [Feminist Frequency founder] Anita [Sarkeesian].”
Joss went on to explain that he wants to get back to writing and he can’t do that when Twitter’s yanking at his shirt while whining, “Play with me!”
“I just thought, Wait a minute, if I’m going to start writing again, I have to go to the quiet place,” he said. “And this is the least quiet place I’ve ever been in my life. … It’s like taking the bar exam at Coachella. It’s like, Um, I really need to concentrate on this! Guys! Can you all just… I have to… It’s super important for my law!”
So that’s that!
But apparently, Joss Whedon got death threats and the feminists who had problems with the Avengers got rape threats. I know that some people on social media type “GET FUCKED IN YOUR POOP SLIT WITH A FLAMING CHAINSAW, YOU NASTY PIECE OF DRIED SLUG SHIT,” when they mean, “I disagree with you,” because they really want to get their point across, but damn. Death and rape threats over a comic book movie? Whenever somebody signs up for a new Twitter, Facebook or whatever account, a box containing weed and a bong should arrive on their doorstep. Because some of them just need to smoke a joint and chill. It’s not that serious. It’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this. This is the point where we should all figuratively join hands and sing “Kumbaya,” but I can’t right now. This post reminded me that I need to write yet another curse-filled, ALL-CAPS, ultra dramatic letter to ITV in the UK for not giving Footballers’ Wives the proper finale it deserved. I’LL NEVER FORGIVE THOSE NASTY PIECE OF DRIED SLUG SHITS.