Archives: May 2015

Two Hot Ageless Vampires Went To The Met Gala Last Night

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.

Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.

Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.

MET Gala 2015 'China: Through The Looking Glass' - Arrivals

Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

It is Cinco de Mayo, so today’s HSOTD should really be the hungry-ass Arcoiris mascot or the legendary 90s novella Carrusel. But I really need to pay homage to the best Met Gala dress and the only one that really did things to me. (Yes, I’m so hard-up that a soft, pink dick illustration on a damn dress does things to me.)

Just like 90% of the tricks there, FKA Twigs pretty much said, “fuck it,” to the theme. If you’re going to say, “fuck it,” to the theme, then you should at least say “hello” to wearing dick on your dress. Dick makes everything better. FKA Twigs’ stunning cockture gown was made by Christopher Kane and if Christopher Kane made a $20 sweatpants version of that dress, I’d buy several pairs and wear it every day. Peen is timeless and truly goes with everything. Although, FKA Twigs’ promised piece Robert Pattinson doesn’t look amused. I see him making a “Don’t ask to see my pink dick too” face.

I usually can’t with FKA Twigs’ red carpet pose game, because she opens her mouth a little and it makes her look like the Trix Rabbit caught in the headlights. But I didn’t really even notice her stunned bunny face, because all of my attention went to that peen on her thigh. Selfies were supposedly banned at the Met Gala and nobody really followed that rule. I wouldn’t have either. I’d ask FKA Twigs if I could take a selfie with her and if she said yes, I’d drop to my knees, press my cheek against the pank peen on her thigh and say, “Dick cheese!

Pics: Wenn.com

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Birthday Sluts

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill (32)
Hannah Davis (25)
Chris Brown (26)
Adele (27)
Skye Sweetnam (27)
Brooke Hogan (27)
Clark Duke (30)
Vanessa Bryant (33)
Danielle Fishel (34)
Craig David (34)
Hank Green (35)
Vincent Kartheiser (36)
Tina Yothers (42)
Kyan Douglas (45)
Kurt Sutter (51)
Brian Williams (56)
Richard E. Grant (58)
Kurt Loder (70)
John Rhys-Davies (71)
Roger Rees (71)
Lance Henriksen (75)
Michael Murphy (77)
Pat Carroll (88)

Note: And to those of you wondering, yes, I accidentally published today’s Birthday Sluts yesterday. If you’re a scientist and currently doing studies on whether or not massive amounts of weed smoke, cheap wine and hours of reality TV eats at your brain, you can stop your study now. You’ve got your answer.

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Basement Baby Came Prepared This Time

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went allFINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.

To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.

Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”

beyoncejayzmetgala2015

As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com (Thanks @elmatthewcas)

And Suddenly, I Have A Real Craving For Cheesy Scrambled Eggs

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

“THIS BITCH!” said the coat check person when RiRi threw this 500-pound “Boboli slathered in nacho cheese” coat at them.

RiRi rolled up to the Met Gala Meth Gala tonight in a U-Haul, because it was the only rented vehicle in the NYC area that was big enough to hold the heavy ass cheese pizza she called a coat. Apparently, they had to shut down the red carpet when RiRi came through, because her “bigger than the sun” coat would have knocked a few bitches out as she strolled on up.

The thing about RiRi’s coat is that it can be many things. If I was there and stoned (which I’d have to be if I was there), I would’ve nibbled on that coat, because it looks like a pupusa covered in cheese. If Kim Kuntrashian was on the carpet at the same as RiRi, she would’ve rolled all up in that coat, because it looks like a giant puddle of piss. It’s like the aftermath of the golden shower of all golden showers. That’s some full bladder shit. If Vanessa Paradis was there, she’d stare at it lovingly, because she’d remember all the times she jacked Johnny Depp off and ended up with a giant glob of dick cheese on her hand.

No, I don’t like that RiRi stole Coco Peru’s wig. But I do appreciate the fact that her eyebrows are shaped like baseballs bats and her coat thing kind of looks like a condom.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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I REBUKE THEE! I REBUKEE THEE!

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

About six seconds after the red carpet for the Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.

If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.

I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.

SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.

You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com

Pics: Getty

Night Crumbs

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

This is Justin Timberlake looking like Princess Fiona’s right tit in a promo video for Sauza 901 tequila. Why in Fruit Gushers from HELL did JT do this?! I know, a check is a check, but at what cost?! With that being said, if he goes to the Met Gala tonight and wears this look, he’ll be my best dressed – Jezebel

Jennifer Lawrence, who looks like she just smoked peyote for 12 hours in a badly ventilated teepee, is friends with Lorde, because every young famous white chick is friends with each other.  - Lainey Gossip

But the question is, how can anyone leave the Mormon hotness that is Kody Brown?! - Reality Tea 

Mark Ruffalo is really sorry he chanted “gypsy” over and over again during the extra messy promo tour for the Offenders, I mean, the AvengersCelebitchy

Cara Delawhatever’s ass crack got banned in the UK – Drunken Stepfather

May the Fourth be with Maitland Ward who looks like she’s starring in a low-budget, extra messy porn parody called Star WhoresEgotastic! 

One of Bill Cosby’s newest accusers has pressed charges against him – The Superficial 

Jessica Biel is making sure that Justin Timberlake doesn’t fuck the nanny – Towleroad

Taylor Swift looks hot and I’m only saying that because her eyebrow situation is looking a little chola-esque – Popoholic

That looks more like the Baltimore Penguin, but okay – WWTDD

Uncut Swedish peen alert! Uncut Swedish peen alert! – (NSFW) OMG Blog

If Lori Petty’s Point Break character went on a meth binge… – Hollywood Tuna 

Clay Aiken is looking sexy! – SOW

The Black Widow rom-com looks better than most rom-coms and the latest Avengers movie – The Berry 

Brooklyn Decker has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! – IDLYITW

Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of the Rillest teamed up for an eardrum-murdering song that sounds like Siri screaming while in a garbage disposal – Just Jared

Amy Adams got married – Popsugar

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Open Post: Hosted By St. Angie Jolie Buying Ice Cream

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m sure that Coleman cooler has been declared a holy artifact, was gilded and is making its way to Italy where it will be displayed at a museum in the Vatican. Or that ice cream vendor has retired from the ice cream vendor game after selling it for a load of cash to a Brangeloonie who sold their house, internal organs, cars and family to buy it.

While looking like Morticia Addams on holiday, Dame St. Angie Jolie bought ice cream at a soccer game for her three kids: Zahara, Shiloh and Brad Pitt. St. Angie and Brad, who looks like he’s in hipster dad cosplay, once again graced the field at Griffith Park in L.A. with their ethereal presence for their kids’ soccer game over the weekend. The soccer game lasted about 25 seconds and Zahara and Shiloh’s team won by default, because as soon as St. Angie and Brad Pitt had a seat in the stands, every parent and child turned around to face them, got on their knees and worshiped their holiness. It happens every time.

And you know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen St. Angie’s bulging forehead vein of doom and I’ve been missing it. But it looks like it has slithered down south to her arms for the winter and is now living in a bulging vein commune with other bulging veins. I can call off the search!

Pics: Splash

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Ireland Baldwin Is Done With Rehab, Blonde Hair

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

People says that almost three weeks after she shuffled off to a treatment center in Malibu for “emotional trauma” and definitely not drugs, 19-year-old Ireland Baldwin has checked out of rehab. She has also dyed her hair brown. I know, I really buried the lede there. A “source” tells People that Ireland checked herself out, but will still participate in outpatient treatment. I have no idea what outpatient treatment for emotional trauma is, but I’m assuming it involves someone coming to your house every other day with a pint of ice cream and a VHS tape of To Wong Foo.

People doesn’t say whether Ireland is all better or not or if rehab fixed her problems, but Radar seems to think she wasn’t really that interested in rehab to begin with. A “source” from inside Ireland’s rehab center claims that shortly before she checked out, she was telling people that she just wasn’t “feeling it anymore” and that she needed to “get back to her life.” They also say she spent most of her final week in rehab on her phone and taking selfies. She also might not have made many rehab friends; the same source claims the other patients felt like she was getting special treatment.

Wait, hold on – go back to that part about needing to leave rehab to get back to her life. Get back to what life exactly? Taking selfies, staring at her phone, and hanging out with her friends? At least if she stayed in rehab, she could do all those things PLUS have access to a pool. Fancy rich people rehabs always have a sweet pool.

Here’s Ireland hanging out with a friend in Malibu on Friday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

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