Archives: May 2015

Sasheer Zamata Met Rihanna After Playing Her On SNL And It Got Weird

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

During a live interview with Brunch Night! with Jamie LeLo (via UsWeekly) on Saturday night, Saturday Night Live‘s Sasheer Zamata told a story about her first meeting with intergalactic singing marijuana princess Rihanna. Sasheer has been playing RiRi in a variety of sketches for a while now (like above, where she played RiRi in a Barbadian remake of Blossom called B’Lossom), but until a few weeks ago, she had never met the Ooh Na Na one. Well, it finally happened when RiRi performed as the musical guest during the season finale episode on May 16th, and according to Sasheer, it was all kinds of awkward and weird.

“We had had a good night after the dress rehearsal, and she turned around and saw me and she was like ‘Hey!’ and she gave me a hug. Then she got drunker progressively throughout the show, and at the end of good nights for the actual show, I went up to give her a hug because I was like ‘We’re good, we’re besties now.’ And I was like ‘Hey!’ and she was like [mimes bored wave]. So I was like ‘Ohhh, wow your true feelings are coming out!’”

[Mimes bored wave] might be the most effortless shade I’ve ever seen. I just pictured that rude bitch Rihanna popping her hand in a “scoot, trick” way, and I died. I died so hard, I came back to life as Rihanna’s bored wave. I love it so much, I might actually say “mimes bored wave” every time I’m over something and don’t have the energy to lift my hand and flick my wrist.

Sasheer shouldn’t take it personally, though. RiRi does drunk at a level far beyond the average human can comprehend, so who even knows if RiRi was directing her bored wave to Sasheer. She could have been summoning the invisible Great Gazoo-like friend that appears every time she gets ripped. Who knows? She’s a mystery.

Speaking of mystery, here’s RiRi strolling through the airport on her way to London earlier today. Why is RiRI wearing the same sweatshirt I wore every day in the 12th grade with the same number of redundant bobby pins I stuck in my hair? Who knows? She’s a mystery!

Pics: Splash/INF

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Tammy, the Golden Retriever and Stormy, the orphan lamb she adopted.

Well, here’s anotherdog friend adopting a down-and-out adopted animal friend in need” story for you to add to the file you look at when you need to be reminded that sometimes happy, nice things happen in this cruel shitty world.

Stormy the lamb’s life started out like a damn Lifetime movie. CTV News says she was born in a farm in Hazelridge, a small ass Canadian community in Springfield, Manitoba. Stormy’s mom just wasn’t about that maternal life and didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby lamb that came out of her baaaaah-gina .(I know, it’s too early in the week and day for that joke.) Instead of telling Stormy to have a nice life before busting out of that town on the next bus headed to the big city, her mom tried to murder her ass. Tammy and Stormy’s human, Cathy Fleury, tells CTV News that the night Stormy was born, her mean bitch of a mom beat the hell out of her and could’ve killed her. Cathy got the message loud and clear that Stormy’s mom didn’t want to be a mom. So Cathy separated Stormy from her mom and that’s when Tammy came in.

Tammy took in Stormy and is now her mom. Stormy and Tammy (Side note: That sounds like the name of a country music duo who pays the bills by working the day-shift at truck stop strip clubs in the south.) are barely ever apart

“Even though Tammy’s never had a litter, she’s so mothering to that little lamb.

I was outside working all day, and I’d turn around and they’d be (lying) under a tree sleeping, or just hanging out. They actually crawled up on the porch once and they were sleeping up there. The odd time Tammy will wander off. But, she’s a good mum.”

And if you have a post-Memorial Day hangover headache, soothe it with this awww-inducing video.

(For Karen)

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Birthday Sluts

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Lenny Kravitz (51)
Brandy Cyrus (28)
Scott Disick (32)
Henry Holland (32)
Ashley Massaro (36)
Nicki Aycox (40)
Matt Stone (44)
Kylie Ireland (45)
Helena Bonham Carter (49)
Genie Francis (53)
Bobcat Goldthwait (53)
Tarsem Singh (54)
Doug Hutchison (55)
Margaret Colin (57)
Marian Gold of Alphaville (61)
Pam Grier (66)
Philip Michael Thomas (66)
Hank Williams, Jr. (66)
Stevie Nicks (66)

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Memorial Day Crumbs

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Matt Boner is hot, wet and topless in Hawaii. Just try to ignore the “squeezing out a fart” facial expression that he’s making, unless your sick, nasty, disgusting, not right ass is into that sort of thing – Lainey Gossip 

Kim Richards took a break from drying out in rehab to stare at some ugly bridesmaids dresses at her daughter’s second wedding in Mexico – Reality Tea 

RUN, RICK FOX, RUUUUUUUUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! – Celebitchy

Nothing ruins a children’s birthday party like the Spiderman you hired almost dying – Drunken Stepfather

What in Rhoda Going To Studio 54 HELL is Kendull Jenner wearing? – Popoholic

The Olsens broke John Stamos’ heart, but he should look on the bright side. At least they didn’t eat his soul, which is probably what they wanted to do after he called them out – Jezebel

Ali Larter is in a bikini top if that’s what you’ve been hoping to see today – Hollywood Tuna 

Vancouver has invented the food of the stoner gods – OMG Blog

The look on the lady in the blue says everything I want to say about Sienna Miller’s dress – Popsugar

The Difficult Brown showed the world that he’s still an anal wart of rage by threatening to beat Tyson Beckford’s child over some dumb picture – Just Jared

BB King’s daughters think he poisoned to death. QUICK! Get Detective La Toya on the case – HuffPo

Pamela Anderson got naked for PETA (again) and made the same face she probably made when Tommy Lee went balls deep the first time – IDLYITW

In “Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should” news, Justin Bieber yodeled out Boyz II Men’sI’ll Make Love To You” at a club. That clip is totally going to be Usher’s new ringtone – SOW

Pic: FameFlynet

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Open Post: Hosted By The Greatest Love Affair Of Our Time In Tokyo

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Tomorrowland, which cost $280 million to market and make, did meh” business at the box office in the US this weekend. It only brought in $40.7 million in the US and another $26.7 million in other countries. Disney was hoping for a lot more and Mickey Mouse is probably putting on his dom gear right now, because he’s going to paddle the hell out of George’s nalgas when he sees him. Tomorrowland is getting ready to open in Asia and so George is over there selling it.

At the Tokyo premiere today, George brought out his biggest PR weapon, his wife Amal Clooney who took a day off of work for this shit. As far as I know, George didn’t drool out yet another stream of praise about the love of his life at today’s premiere. I’m surprised he didn’t really go for it by singing Chicago’s “You’re The Inspiration” to her as dancers in cherub costumes twirled around them and threw heart-shaped glitter confetti at their heads. He’s probably saving that for the Hong Kong premiere.

Here’s more pictures of George and Amal wearing a golden shower of a gown that must be made of some serious industrial-strength satin, because I’m surprised her sharp ass hip bones didn’t cut right through that shit. You know, today is slower than a Kardashian’s thought process, but I can still say that I accomplished a whole lot. I mean, I spent a good 90 seconds staring at the first picture in the gallery below, because I wasn’t sure if that dress is making her look like she’s got a bulge, camel toe or a little of both.

Pics: Getty

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Katy Perry Hasn’t Spoken To Russell Brand Since He Quit Their Marriage Via Text (UPDATE)

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Put on your (whatever you were wearing in 2011) and pop a bottle of (whatever you were drinking in 2011) and let’s go back to a time when receiving a text containing the divorce papers emoji followed by the sad face emoji from your legal piece of a year was still something that justified you never speaking to their rude asses again. “Ah, t’was a much more formal time” thought everyone who at this moment is quitting their latest Tinder piece by tagging them in a picture of a trash can on Instagram.

During an interview with the Daily Telegraph (via UsWeekly), perpetual moody teenage girl cosplayer Katy Perry admitted that she hasn’t said shit to Russell Brand since he quit their marriage via text message three and a half years ago. And it’s not like Russell Brand is desperately trying, like “Oi mate, give us a ring? We miss you“; according to Katy, he doesn’t want to talk to her either.

“He hasn’t spoken to me since he texted me saying he was filing for divorce. I don’t want to talk about him — my songs will say what I need to say.”

She also went on to say that she still has the cat they adopted together, but she has since changed her name from Rusty (a combination of Russell and Katy) to Monkey.

But of course Russell hasn’t contacted Katy; he’s been too busy writing nightmare-making children’s books and being the Erin Brockovich of east London housing (I don’t know if that made any damn sense). I’m sure it would be a whole other story if Russell Brand was unemployed. Trust me on this one, her phone would be blowing up with texts that start with “U up? U want to talk? I miss u” and end with “No srsl girl, u up? I am – WINK!” if he didn’t have a job. Although something tells me she’s used to getting texts like that every time she calls it quits with John Mayer.

UPDATE: Katy Perry swatted at the Daily Telegraph on Twitter for reusing quotes she gave them three years ago. Okay, but has she spoken to Russell Brand lately or not?!?

KatyPerryTweet1

Today In Barf: Josh Duggar Made An Incest Joke On TV

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

After Josh Duggar’s child touching ways were exposed, he dribbled out a nauseating statement where he said he said that he prayed the pedo away and was really sorry for molesting five girls (four of which are his sisters). Well, he’s so sorry that not long after he “repented” for his sins, he mouth farted up an incest joke.

Somebody pulled out an old clip from a 2008 episode of 19 ATMS and Counting (which was 17 ATMS and Counting back then) where a 20-year-old Josh said that he wanted to take his then courtin’ partner Anna on a date and his sister Jinger (Side note: I still CAN’T with the name “Jinger.”) was supposed to be their chaperone. But since they were going to see an R-rated movie, Jinger couldn’t go and his other siblings Jana and John David Duggar went instead. Josh joked that it was a double-date and then laughed while saying, “We are from Arkansas!” CAUTION: Heave-inducing material ahead.

That hoarse cackle you hear is Bill Cosby laughing at Josh’s hilarious joke.

It’s not surprising that this mound of gross would joke about some sick shit he actually did, but it is surprising that the Duggar kids are allowed to see 18+ rated movies. I thought Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar told their kids that their souls will liquefy and become  Lucifer’s laundry detergent if their pristine eyes are exposed to anything that isn’t rated G (for GODLY).

In other Duggar news, People (who used to be firmly on Team Duggar and jumped off of that ship real quick) posted a history of the Josh Duggar molestation stories going back 8 years. Gawker also posted a terrifying piece about the fundamentalist brand of Christianity that the Duggars belong to. And lastly (although, I’m sure 500 more Duggar posts will pop up on the Internet as soon as I hit the publish button), the judge who made the call to destroy Josh Duggar’s police report was twice appointed by #1 Duggar fangirl Mike Huckabee.

And if a friend throws you looks of judgement today as you eyeball an entire bottle of vodka at a Memorial Day BBQ, just stop for a second and say, “I read another Duggar post today.” They’ll probably grab another bottle of vodka and help you out by pouring it in your other eye socket.

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Chris Pratt Is Sorry For All The Dumb Stuff He’ll Probably Say During The Jurassic World Press Tour

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

If the recent-ish press tour for Avengers: Age of Ultron has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes stupid word-based shit falls from the mouths of famous types. So in anticipation of becoming the newest inductee into the “I wish I hadn’t said that” club, America’s current sweetheart Chris Pratt has gone ahead and pre-apologized for all of the dumb stuff he’ll probably end up saying during the upcoming press tour for Jurassic World. Well, at least he’s thinking ahead.

The former #2 spot on my Snuggly Pillow Bodies I Would list (he’s since moved to the #4 spot on my Buff DILFs list) threw up a pre-apology letter on Facebook this weekend that should cover any and all verbal farts he rips during interviews about that dinosaur movie. For instance, let’s say he refers to one of the CGI velociraptors in Jurassic World as a sloppy creep-armed skank – well, he’s already sorry about it!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 25, 2015 / Posted by:

ORBITZ!

Orbitz, the gummy balls-filled fruit drink from the 90s that was gone way before its time, got the HSOTD stamp all the way back in the ancient times known as 2009, but I’m making it HSOTD again for 2 very good reasons:

1. Today is Memorial Day in the US and after we honor the fallen soldiers by buying a 25% off mattress and yelling at hos on FB who wish us a “Happy” Memorial Day, it would be nice to lounge in the backyard next to a plunge tub (aka a plastic trash can full of water) and get drunk on Orbitz-tinis. But we can’t get drunk on Orbitz-tinis, because the drink of the future that looked like an STD under a microscope went away shortly after it came out in 1994. Which leads me to…

2. Since Clearly Canadian and New York Seltzer are making their long-awaited return to our throats, Orbitz should too. Apparently, Cleary Canadian, who made Orbitz, said in 2013 that they were going to squirt out a small batch of Orbitz for us 90s hos who can’t let go and don’t want to spend $41 for a vintage bottle on eBay. But Clearly Canadian played with our emotions and left us dry, because they lied. They never gave us that limited-edition batch they promised us.

The truth is, Orbitz was pretty disgusting and that says a lot coming from a nasty gutter tramp who’s had some ultra disgusting things in his mouth before. I remember it tasting like medicine, and those intergalactic gelatin ball things were the consistency of tonsil stones. But still, they should bring it back for those of us who are thirsty for nostalgia and want to guzzle down a gross drink that answered the question, “What would it taste like if a martian busted a chunky jizz load into a bottle full of fruit-flavored Purell?

BRING BACK ORBITZ!

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