Archives: May 2015

When Reese Witherspoon’s Face Says It All…

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Ah, the unwanted piece of soggy white bread in an open-faced attention-yanking sandwich; truly one of the more awkward third wheel situations. If that uncomfortable non-smile on Reese Witherspoon’s face was any tighter, she could pressure-squeeze a dozen lemons and make a batch of lemonade for the thirsty bitches beside her.

Reese reunited with her Cruel Intentions co-stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair last night to watch that Cruel Intentions parody musical that Reese’s kids definitely have no interest in seeing, and SMG and Selma decided to make things weird for Reese by recreating their mouth-humping moment from the movie before the show. That’s nice, but what I really would have loved to see was Sarah Michelle Gellar walk up to a random usher and hiss “I don’t fuck losers.

Honestly though, I can’t really roll my eyes at this, because I love Cruel Intentions and my heart won’t let me. Every time my brain starts to think “Okay you two“, my heart slaps it across its dumb brain face and screams “How DARE you! Show some respect you tacky tramp, that’s bitch legend Kathryn Merteuil you’re talking about.

If only Reese’s drunk alter-ego Laura Jeanne Poon had something to say about all this. No, you’re right – she wouldn’t have to say anything. The dollar bills she’d be throwing at them while cackling “GET IT, GIRL!” would say it all.

Here’s more of Reese, Sarah Michelle, and Selma’s Cruel Intentions mini-reunion last night and thankfully they Instagrammed the hell out of it. I’ve also thrown in a couple pics of Reese Witherspoon subtly hustling a $155 tote bag from while cruising around Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

Sherri Shepherd Made A Joke About Giving Away One Of Her Kids On “The View”

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Usually when you’ve just gone through a messy public paternity battle with your shady ex-husband over a surrogate baby that you were trying really really hard to get rid of, typically the last thing you’d want to do is make a joke about getting rid of one of your kids on television. However, thinking hasn’t always been Sherri Shepherd’s strongest skill, and when she appeared on The View yesterday, she burped out a joke that made everyone sort of stare at the floor and think “Well, this is awkward.

During the round-table cluck fest that is the Hot Topics segment, Raven-Symoné admitted that she really wants a baby in her life. Sherri, who was back as a guest host because…I have no idea why, responded by saying “Girl, I got one or two you can have of mine.” That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally gleefully whipping out his calculator and trying to figure out just how much child support money he’d make off Raven’s Cosby Show residual checks.

Of course, Sherri realized what she did and started to back-pedal on her joke by blabbering something about how women with kids are always offering up their kids to those without. Meanwhile, Baby Lamar Sally Jr. is already rolling down the street on one of Sherri’s sturdiest wigs glued to a set of roller skates like “Jokes or not, I’m going to live with That’s So Raven.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

John Erik Wagner, the candidate for Prime Minister that utchenmark needs, but doesn’t deserve!

This scalding hot piece of hairless Danish man meat, who looks like he’s starring in a gay porn parody of Crocodile Dundee called Cockodile Dundee, is running as an independent for the Prime Minister of Denmark (more like Prime Beef Minister of Denmark). Future Prime Minister Wagner has ran in all sorts of elections for all sorts of positions (wink wink) for years. You already know that John Erik Wagner has balls, but he wants everyone to know that he’s got dick too. He’s decorated the streets of Copenhagen with posters of him done up like a naked cowboy while serving up a side of uncooked sausage.

Dear US presidential candidates, this is how you run a campaign. What the people really want is a whole lot of dick on your posters. Actually, many of them are giant dicks, so I guess they’ve got that covered.

Reader Deborah dropped this European cowboy into my inbox along with a bio about the only candidate for PM of Denmark I care about. (Okay, he’s technically the only PM of Denmark candidate I know of, but still).

Denmark has an election coming up on June 18 and this man has been trying to get into Parliament forever. Every election he tries something new, so he really needs some support, lol. His name is John Erik Wagner aka the Sheriff from Amager. He’s a local man and works as a tailor when he’s not out trying to get signatures so he can get on the ballot for Parliament. He makes his own cowboy clothes and according to his YouTube account, he has a dog named Dolly Wagner (see youtube links below). A true character but now for the important bit:

He not only dresses like a sheriff, he loves to disrobe and voila, see the attached pictures.
This poster is hanging in public right now and yes, you can see discreet peen.

Thank you for considering Mr. Wagner aka the Sheriff aka Dolly’s dad for Hot slut. It may be the only ticket he ever wins.

So, John Erik Wagner makes cowboy clothes, knows that the way to get votes is with peen AND has a dog named after Dolly Parton? Screw Prime Minister of Denmark. He needs to be Prime Minister of the World!

And after the jump is the uncensored and uncut (pun very much intended) version of John Erik Wagner elegantly flashing a long turkey, sausage and cheese roll-up on his campaign poster. You can’t spell Wagner without W-A-N-G and you definitely can’t spell Prime Minister without P-E-E-N.


Birthday Sluts

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Rebbie Jackson (65)
Gregg Sulkin (23)
Riley Keough (26)
Hornswoggle (29)
Jaslene Gonzalez (29)
Carmelo Anthony (31)
Lavern Cox (31)
Kaycee Stroh (31)
Mel B (40)
David Burtka (40)
Daniel Tosh (40)
Noel Gallagher (48)
Lisa Welchel (52)
Melissa Etheridge (54)
Rupert Everett (56)
Annette Bening (57)
La Toya Jackson (59)
Danny Elfman (62)
Nick Mancuso (67)
Anthony Geary (68)


Night Crumbs

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lainey has a blind item about a dude who tried to be slick and took his latest side trick out of the country on a little romantic vacation, but when the media found out where he was, his wife found out. As I wonder who on Earth this could be, I’m sure that couple is calling the paps to schedule a happy family staged photo-op – Lainey Gossip 

Madonna made a joke about Rocco’s penis. And I’m done. – The Superficial 

Cher’s Marc Jacobs ad is giving me “Chad Michaels in The Crucible”Drunken Stepfather

Bruce Jenner is trying to get out of paying the family of the victim in that Malibu car crash – Reality Tea

Chrissy Teigen risked getting a chocha full of sand for Dujour magazine – Egotastic!

Taystee from Orange is the New Black is playing Miss Sofia in the revival of The Color Purple on Broadway. Please tell me that Crazy Eyes is going to play Squeak as Crazy Eyes – Towleroad

You can thank Miley Cyrus for Grace and Frankie getting renewed – WWTDD

Mariah Carey would rather eat out her arch rival JLo than go back to American Idol SOW

Bobbi Kristina Brown is probably going to be on life support forever – ICYDK

You know that ugly eggplant wallpaper your grandma had in her kitchen? Natalie Portman made a dress out of it and wore that dress to a graduation ceremony at Harvard – Popoholic

Speaking of fug, Gigi Hadid’s purse probably cost more than my car, but I swear my mom bought one just like it for $15 at Mervyn’s in the 80s – Hollywood Tuna 

Kate Upton may star in the Harry Potter spin-off movie. If they cast her, they should change the name of the movie to Fantastic Chichis and How To Use Them To Get Cast In MoviesJezebel

Chris Pine may be in the Wonder Woman movie and that’s great and everything, but poke at me when Hollywood wakes the hell up and replaces Gal Gadot with Lynda CarterPajiba

Here’s a cute video of Chris Pratt teaching his son the Pledge of Allegiance and the only way it could be more American is if Laura Jeanne Poon flew by on a bald eagle – The Berry 

You know those Kylie Jenner knocked up rumors you probably didn’t hear about? Kylie Jenner wants you to know they’re not true – HuffPo


Jeffrey Dean Morgan Went On The Matthew McConaughey Oscar Diet For A TV Mini-Series

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the tall drink of DILF from Grey’s Anatomy and Magic City, is in some History Channel mini-series called Texas Rising (which is probably what Matthew McConaughey says every time he gets a boner) and in it he plays an old-timey gunslinger who has consumption. JDM really wanted to get that “consumption” look so he starved himself. “Pfft, amateur!” said Daniel Day-Lewis who would inject himself with consumption if he played that role.

While selling the mini-series on the fourth hour of Today (via People) with Hoda Kotb and talking box of chardonnay Kathie Lee Gifford, JDM said that he ate a can of tuna a day and that’s it.

“I lost over 40 pounds. He had consumption. I got there and I was probably about 175, I left I was about 135. I ate a can of tuna fish a day. I did it in the most unhealthy way I could. I didn’t consult with a doctor or anything. We had said maybe we should lose, like, 10 pounds and then I just kept going and going. And by the end of the movie I just looked like hell.”

How many calories are in a can of tuna? Like 160? I ingested four times that through my eyes just from looking at pictures of funfetti cakes on Pinterest a second ago. I bet by the time that mini-series finished shooting, JDM was shitting in sand, scratching the couch, wiggling his ass for a Q-tip and trying to nap in bathroom sinks in the middle of a hot day, because eating only tuna turned him into a damn cat.

We’ve all heard of Matthew McConaughey types making their stomachs frown by starving themselves for an Oscar, but for a mini-series on the History Channel?! These crazy actors are eating GOOP-style for Emmys now.

Here’s JDM looking less like death at Cannes a little over a week ago with Eva Green and Hannibal.



Open Post: Hosted By A True Singing Talent

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber and Austin Mahone were both discovered on YouTube and they don’t have 1/10000000000th of the talent, star power and presence this pussy has. A multi-million dollar recording contract better land on that cat’s paws, because it can sing on-key (and without help from auto-tune) and is a master at timing.

This cat’s human uploaded a video of him singing “If You’re Happy And You Know It” in Portuguese with his pussy friend. I know how sneaky some motherfuckers get for the sake of YouTube views, so I watched closely to make sure that nobody was yanking that pussy’s tail to make it meow on cue. I didn’t see any shifty behavior going on. This regular Celine Dion is meowing on its own on cue!

….Or maybe this cat isn’t singing at all. Maybe it’s meowing “stop” in Purrtugeuse, because it’s not happy about its human filming this in portrait mode. I don’t blame the puss.

via VVV


The Most Recent Couple From “The Bachelor” Have Called It Quits

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.

Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.

Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.

This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.

Even Rick Santorum Is Grossed Out By The Duggars

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Rick Santorum announced on Good Morning America today that he’s going to give the whole” running for president” thing another go. The last time he battled it out in the country’s bitchiest bitch fest, the entire Duggar family endorsed him. If it was legal for children to vote, Rick Santorum would’ve won by a landslide since there’s at least 10 million of those in the Duggar family. But Rick Santorum shouldn’t expect the Duggar women to stitch the words “Santorum Makes My Ovaries Tingle” onto their denim skirts this time around. Because while on GMA this morning, George Stephanopoulos asked Rick Santorum for his thoughts on the molesting pumpkin head and he pretty much spit out a frothy dollop of pure disgust. via Yahoo!

“I was sickened by it. I was just sickened by it,” Santorum, a Christian conservative who had the support of the Duggar family during his first presidential campaign in 2012, said. “I pray for those girls in particular.”

He added: “To have gone through that is … just hard to think about.”

Rick Santorum probably saw the giant load of backlash that splattered against Mike Huckabee’s mug when he raised his Team Duggar sign and said that he was supporting them. So Rick Santorum thought to himself, “Err, just say the opposite of what that other guy said.”

You’d think that since I ran for drama club secretary once (yes, I lost) I’d know a lot about political campaigning. I don’t, but I do know that if you’re a political candidate and someone asks you what you think about a child toucher, you should let them know you’re grossed out by making the hacking up sound a cat makes while heaving up a hairball on a rug. It’s really the only right answer.

And the good news for Rick Santorum is that since the Duggars won’t be following him around on the campaign trail like they did in 2012, he doesn’t have to use brain space on trying to remember all of their goddamn names.

Pic: Flickr


alt="drupal analytics" >