I’m sure that Coleman cooler has been declared a holy artifact, was gilded and is making its way to Italy where it will be displayed at a museum in the Vatican. Or that ice cream vendor has retired from the ice cream vendor game after selling it for a load of cash to a Brangeloonie who sold their house, internal organs, cars and family to buy it.
While looking like Morticia Addams on holiday, Dame St. Angie Jolie bought ice cream at a soccer game for her three kids: Zahara, Shiloh and Brad Pitt. St. Angie and Brad, who looks like he’s in hipster dad cosplay, once again graced the field at Griffith Park in L.A. with their ethereal presence for their kids’ soccer game over the weekend. The soccer game lasted about 25 seconds and Zahara and Shiloh’s team won by default, because as soon as St. Angie and Brad Pitt had a seat in the stands, every parent and child turned around to face them, got on their knees and worshiped their holiness. It happens every time.
And you know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen St. Angie’s bulging forehead vein of doom and I’ve been missing it. But it looks like it has slithered down south to her arms for the winter and is now living in a bulging vein commune with other bulging veins. I can call off the search!
People says that almost three weeks after she shuffled off to a treatment center in Malibu for “emotional trauma” and definitely not drugs, 19-year-old Ireland Baldwin has checked out of rehab. She has also dyed her hair brown. I know, I really buried the lede there. A “source” tells People that Ireland checked herself out, but will still participate in outpatient treatment. I have no idea what outpatient treatment for emotional trauma is, but I’m assuming it involves someone coming to your house every other day with a pint of ice cream and a VHS tape of To Wong Foo.
People doesn’t say whether Ireland is all better or not or if rehab fixed her problems, but Radar seems to think she wasn’t really that interested in rehab to begin with. A “source” from inside Ireland’s rehab center claims that shortly before she checked out, she was telling people that she just wasn’t “feeling it anymore” and that she needed to “get back to her life.” They also say she spent most of her final week in rehab on her phone and taking selfies. She also might not have made many rehab friends; the same source claims the other patients felt like she was getting special treatment.
Wait, hold on – go back to that part about needing to leave rehab to get back to her life. Get back to what life exactly? Taking selfies, staring at her phone, and hanging out with her friends? At least if she stayed in rehab, she could do all those things PLUS have access to a pool. Fancy rich people rehabs always have a sweet pool.
Here’s Ireland hanging out with a friend in Malibu on Friday.
Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well, I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.
TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?
The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.
Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.
“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”
I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!“
In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.
Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.
Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.
Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.
Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:
Pics: Vanity Fair
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
The clip is after the cut, because it autoplays, so brace your ear drums to be hit with the sound of Kummy Kakes’ voice as soon as you cross over.
Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.
Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.
Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!
Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.
Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).
Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail
I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“
That’s not stage smoke: that’s dust being excitedly queefed from Madonna’s down-lows after she realized how much attention she could whore out of that kiss with Drake. On Saturday, Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and one of the things she was asked was about that time she mouth humped on an immobilized Wheelchair Jimmy during his set at Coachella. No, the question wasn’t “To whom should I send my therapy bills?”. It was “Is Drake a good kisser?“. Because Madonna is basically the shamelessly bitchy version of The Giving Tree (aka she gives no fucks and only gets shadier with age), she answered:
“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”
And it gets shadier! Later on, Madonna was asked what advice she’d give her younger self knowing what she knows now, and she answered:
“Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”
It all happens around the 2:10 and 7:59 marks. Off topic thought: whatever Vaseline-coated soap opera camera lens they used to shoot Madonna is really working for her face. Even the blur tool in Photoshop is like “How???”
Somewhere in The 6, Drake has thrown himself face-first onto a pile of teddy bears and Raptors jerseys and is crying tears of pure maple syrup while he sobs “How could I be so STUPID? Of course she’d kiss and tell! And since when is texting 13 times a night every night for 2 weeks begging?”
Poor Drake. You truly are the Taylor Swift of…something something. I don’t know where I was going with that analogy. To be honest, I got a little distracted picturing those delicious maple syrup tears.
5 seconds after learning John Travolta was coming in without a towel. – GuestStop
Johnny Depp will do anything to escape taking a shower. – Sheena