Archives: May 2015

Sofia Vergara’s Ex Can File For Custody Of Their Embryos, So Declares A Judge

May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

I figured that if I’m going to post about another messy court battle, I might as well give you some man nipples. Just try to ignore the fact that those man nipples are attached to a smegma-covered dildo. Oh fuck it, just salivate over that Corona instead.

Entertainment Tonight says that on Friday, Superior Court Judge Lawrence Cho declared that Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb can file an amended lawsuit against her ass in his battle for sole custody of the frozen embryos they made when they were still together. The revised lawsuit will include a claim that Sofia breached an oral agreement (which is my favorite kind of agreement behind an anal agreement) to bring the embryos to full term using a surrogate. Sofia was against the amendment lawsuit, because duh, she wants this fucked-up situation to be over. Sofia’s lawyer argued that Nick is just doing this for attention and is trying to get back at Sofia. Sofia’s lawyer also said that she and Nick signed a consent form that states they both have to agree before anything is done with the embryos. But the judge sided with Nick.

Nick’s lawyer echoed what he said in that New York Times op-ed piece and to the Today show. Nick believes those embryos are his daughters and he doesn’t want to destroy them or do what Sofia wants, which is to let them stay in a freezer forever.

When Nick first filed the complaint against Sofia in 2014, he filed as a John Doe and called her Jane Doe. Since everybody knows about this wreck of a situation now, he will file the amended lawsuit using their real names. Once he refiles, his lawyer and Sofia’s lawyer will go back to court for some legal custody embryo fight fun!

Nick is a crazy bitch with lots of money and lots of time, so I’m sure he’ll drag this out until it can’t be dragged out anymore. Sofia Vergara’s pussy game must be serious, because she’s got hos so wound up that they’re trying to keep her in their lives by taking her to court over embryos. Sofia’s lawyer should argue that Nick shouldn’t get sole custody of their embryos, because if those two embryos become babies, he’ll probably name them Onion and Crunch and that’s not only wrong, but it’s child abuse.


Anne Meara, Of Stiller And Meara, Has Died

May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Anne Meara, actress, writer, comedian and Ben Stiller’s mom, died today. She is now holding hands with the A Beautiful Mind math genius as they make their way up to heaven. Anne was 85 years old.

Anne’s husband of 61 years (which is 5,678,998 in Hollywood marriage years) Jerry Stiller and Ben Stiller confirmed her death to the Associated Press. They said that she had died of natural causes.

Anne Meara married Jerry Stiller in 1954 and after they performed in the improv group that would later become Second City, they formed the comedy duo of Stiller and Meara in the 60s. Stiller and Meara were on The Ed Sullivan Show and the starred in a 5-minute long short comedy program that ran right after Saturday Night Live in the 70s. They also did radio ads for Blue Nun Wine together. When the whole variety show game started to disappear, Anne and Jerry did their own thing professionally. Anne started acting in TV shows and movies and over the course of her career she was in everything from Rhoda to Archie Bunker’s Place to her own show Kate McShane to The King of Queens to Reality Bites to Zoolander, etc… etc.. Children of the 80s probably know her as the grandma in ALF and Sex and the City watchers known her as Steve’s mom.

A rep for her family released this statement:

“Anne’s memory lives on in the hearts of daughter Amy, son Ben, her grandchildren, her extended family and friends, and the millions she entertained as an actress, writer and comedienne.”

Rest in peace, Anne. If I had a bottle of Blue Nun Wine, I’d pour some out for you right now.



A Judge In California Granted Kelly Rutherford Temporary Sole Custody Of Her Kids

May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

To quote myself after I downloaded a few One Direction songs and actually liked them: “I did NOT see this coming.” (And yes, that line was followed by: “God, I hate myself so fucking much.”)

Kelly Rutherford of Melrose Place (and also that Gossip Girl show nobody cares about) actually won a round in the messy, sloppy, wreck of a custody battle against her ex-husband Daniel Giersch over their fancy-named kids, 8-year-old Hermes and 5-year-old Helena. On Friday, a judge in California temporarily gave Kelly sole custody of her kids and ordered that she can bring them back to the US. That ruling came a day after Kelly went to Monaco to visit her kids and her husband refused to let her see them without handing over their US passports. During some bizarre ass interview with TMZ a couple of weeks ago, Kelly said that any American who brings her kids back to the US will be considered an American hero. Daniel used that against Kelly. He claimed that he’s afraid she will take their kids back to the US without his permission so he wanted their passports handed over. Hermes and Helena have been living with their dad in Monaco since 2012. He had to leave the US after his Visa got revoked, because someone (reportedly from Kelly’s legal team) told the State Department he was doing some shady shit business-wise.

People says that a judge in L.A. said that Hermes and Helena must come back to the US with their mom. The judge also ruled that Kelly doesn’t have to hand over their US passports to her ex-husband or a third party. But it’s not like Kelly can just immediately fly with her kids back to the US in time to have a Memorial Day BBQ. Monaco has to co-sign the California judge’s ruling.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The first year Rob doll from Maxie’s World!

Believe it or not, The CW-fied Jem and the Holograms movie isn’t the first time that Jem has been done dirty. In 1986, Hasbro dumped Jem’s ass in the gutter after her doll line failed to sell as much as they wanted it to and they replaced her with an RC Cola version of herself: Maxie! Former HSOTD Maxie was the Rita Ora to Jem’s RiRi. Maxie was a do-gooding high school cheerleader who solved crimes on the side. The Maxie’s World cartoon came first and Hasbro hoped that Maxie would become their Barbie. They pushed out a line of Maxie’s World dolls including one of her boyfriend Rob. Yes, Rob is supposed to be in high school. That is seriously some Strangers with Candy meets reverse Tootsie shit, because he looks like a middle-aged Waffle House waitress circa 1967 masquerading as a teenage boy.

Rob was a footballer and soccer star and the most popular boy at Surfside High. I shouldn’t have to tell you that since it’s obvious. I mean, any teenage dude that has a gorgeous nest of sparkling yellow hair should be the most popular boy in school. Rob has hair like a Piggy Wiggly cashier named Doreen May who smokes Bel Air cigarettes, drives a pistachio green Ford Falcon station wagon, is known for her Jell-O molds and is the #22 Tupperware saleslady in Missouri. I’ve seen plastic Easter basket straw that looks more human than Rob’s hair does. It’s a stunning wonder:


Hasbro replaced this Rob doll a year later with a new Rob doll that looked like a third tier Matt Bomer impersonator. The new Rob doll looked more like the Rob in the cartoon. The Maxie toy line only lasted a few years and I’m not saying it failed because Hasbro made the wrong decision of de-glamming the Rob Doll, but well… I mean, the first Rob doll had hair like Miley Cyrus’ memaw and his eyebrows looked like sketches of a centipede. Why mess with perfection?

Pics: eBay, Amazon


Birthday Sluts

May 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Priscilla Presley (70)
Maru (8)
Cayden Boyd (21)
Bobby Lockwood (22)
Billy Gilman (27)
Mark Ballas (29)
Bryan Greenberg (37)
Prince Poppycock (37 or 38)
Will Sasso (40)
John C. Reilly (50)
Kristin Scott Thomas (55)
Roseanne Cash (60)
Alfred Molina (62)
Sybil Danning (63)
Jim Broadbent (66)
Patti Labelle (71)
Bob Dylan (74)
Tommy Chong (77)


Open Post: Hosted By Amber Rose’s Bleached Eyebrow Situation

May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Amazonian snu snu stripper goddess Amber Rose usually has a pretty on-point eyebrow game, but for some reason she showed up to the Memorial Day Weekend party she was hosting in Las Vegas last night looking like this. Amber, for where are your eyebrows??? It’s like two drunk caterpillars fell asleep in the hot Daytona Beach sun during spring break and woke up looking all faded and bleached out, like Powder from Powder. It’s weird how much eyebrows define a person’s face; I almost didn’t recognize Amber Rose. Then again, maybe that was on purpose so her ex-husband doesn’t spot her this weekend and start some drama.

To be honest, I don’t totally hate Amber Rose without eyebrows. With those bright red lips and no eyebrows and bald head, she sort of looks like a What’s Her Face doll that someone forgot to finish. I’m also getting a younger, sluttier, balder Susan from Milton Bradley’s Guess Who?, and really, who wouldn’t want to look like Susan? She was clearly the hottest card in the game.

Here’s more of Amber strutting for a check last night in Vegas. I never really looked that closely at Amber’s tattoos, but it looks like she has two pugs on her left shoulder. Please tell me that’s a tribute to the Batman Pugs.



Bobby Flay Says A Bad Boob Job Is The Reason Stephanie March Is Causing Prenup Drama

May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

While his leprechaun relatives back home are spending the day chugging celebratory cans of Guinness in honor of Ireland giving the thumbs up to same-sex marriage, the leprechaun chef of New York Bobby Flay is still frantically trying to keep his pot of gold away from his soon-to-be ex-wife Stephanie March.

Last week it was reported that Stephanie was trying to get the prenup she signed back in 2005 thrown in the trash because she claimed she was owed a bunch of money from Bobby for tasting his food and making an iPod playlist for his restaurants. According to TMZ, Stephanie has also added that she felt she was owed more money than they prenup provided ($5,000 a month) because she was frequently sick and couldn’t work. Stephanie says she had a burst appendix and 3 deep infections that prevented her from adding credits to her IMDB page.

But Bobby swatted back at Stephanie’s attempt to #getmoneybitch by telling a judge her infections were the result of a bad boob job, and therefore, not his problem. He sort of played the same hand fellow Food Network chef Guy Fieri plays when someone gets the barfs after eating his gross food; sort of a “It’s not my fault you ate something called Donkey Sauce” angle. Of course, Stephanie kept the drama going by claiming that Bobby’s alleged cheating have “compromised her health and mental state.

Christ on a cracker Mario Batali’s Crocs, this divorce is getting all kinds of dirty, and it sounds like it’s never going to end. Really, the only way I can see this being settled is if they take this mess to Chopped and let Ted Allen and not-the-one Chopped judge Aarón Sánchez decide who is less of a mess. Your mystery basket ingredients are: a prenup, a print out of sexts between Bobby Flay and a Food Network intern, an apron that smells like chorizo, the saline from a leaky breast implant, and a tub of Fage yogurt. You have thirty minutes to prepare an argument for the judges for why you deserve money. And GO!

Gwyneth Paltrow And Tracy Anderson Are Hustling Food Now

May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Trust me, we’ll make a killing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to buy a $35 dehydrated lotus root cracker smeared with a tapenade of hand-mashed organic grass? My parched mouth is practically watering just thinking about it!

Good news, everyone who loves gluten-free fat-free soy-free dairy-free moisture-free low-calorie food-style edible substances and has a fuckload of money burning a hole in their wallet: Gwyneth Paltrow has branched out into the pre-made food business! Gwyneth, along with the Marcie to her Peppermint Patty, Tracy Anderson, and their business partner Maria Baum have launched a food take-out company called 3 Green Hearts. I bet Goopy thought up that name during a meeting with her cardiologist. “You need to take it easy on the kale, Ms. Paltrow – your heart is almost 98% chlorophyll.


TLC Might Yank Josh Duggar Off 19 Kids & Counting

May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Ugh. Even when he’s nothing but a solid-white blob with a question mark over his face, Josh Duggar still manages to give me the creeps.

I’ve started to develop some major tears in my neck muscles, on account of all the chronic NOPE-style head shaking this gross mess with Josh Duggar has caused. But my neck isn’t the only thing that has gotten sore; my eyes are also cramping up at the amount of times they’ve hard-stared at TLC in an “Are you going to do anything about this?” way. So far, all TLC has done is release a statement saying they’re sad for the family and victims and that they’re pulling all episodes of 19 Kids & Counting off the air. Now TMZ says TLC is thinking about pulling more than just episodes.

According to “connected industry sources“, TLC is weighing their options when it comes to 19 Kids & Counting. One option is to flat-out cancel the show, but that probably won’t happen, because the only thing TLC likes more than families who disclose their shady pasts before they get on camera is cold hard cash. TLC also believes the Josh Duggar molestation scandal wouldn’t affect viewership, since it’s pretty clear they still have a huge evangelical fan base who would keep watching the show. However, they are worries that companies might pull their advertising dollars.

So their second option is to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Josh Duggar and his family and completely take him out of the show. According to the sources, nobody really gives a shit about Josh anyway and viewers only care about the girls, like Jill and Jessa. Apparently option No. 2 is the one that is looking best to TLC.

But what I really want to know is how TLC plans on writing (yes writing – we all know that shit is as fake as a Kardashian’s ass) Josh Duggar off the show. Will he die in an unfortunate botulism accident from improperly sterilized pickle jars? Or maybe they’ll pull a Poochie and send him back to his home planet on a flying can of Aqua Net hairspray, never to been seen or heard of again.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 23, 2015 / Posted by:

The big double gay rainbow that decorated the sky above Dublin yesterday as Ireland voted on same-sex marriage!

Ireland, the glorious land of B*Witched, hippo riders, Graham Norton, A+++ eyebrow situations and one of my favorite blossoms Layla Flaherty, has pretty much made the torture device known as marriage legal for everyone! YAY! All of the votes haven’t been counted yet, but it looks like a landslide victory for the YAAASSS! side.

The people of Ireland were asked to vote on whether or not their country’s constitution should be amended to allow same-sex marriage. The BBC says that government ministers have already said that it will pass and the No side has already done the “Fuck, We Lost” shuffle of defeat. Reportedly, 70 percent of the voters in Dublin voted “yes.”

If the change goes through, which it probably will, Ireland will become the first country in the history of forever to make same-sex marriage legal through popular vote. It’s been a little over 20 years since Ireland decriminalized homosexuality.

As Buzzfeed points out, several people on Twitter posted pictures of rainbows that formed while everyone voted. It was Mother Nature voting YES twice! I’m sure that if you followed that rainbow to the end, you’ll find a bunch of gay leprechauns celebrating by dropping their leprechaun asses to the dance remix of a Westlife song.

And now I’m off to celebrate by eating a traditional Irish breakfast (aka a gigantic bowl of Lucky Charms and beer)!

Pic: @karltims


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