Archives: May 2015

Who Hasn’t Tried To Get Out Of An Arrest By Offering To Toss The Cop’s Salad?

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.

The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.

Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.

You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:

1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.

2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.

That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.

Johnny Depp Busts Out Of Australia As They Threaten To Throw His Ass In Jail

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

The Daily Mail has pictures of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard arriving at the Gold Coast Airport where they apparently got on a private jet headed far, far from Australia. Johnny left the day government officials declared in a senate meeting that he could be thrown in jail for 10 years and have to pay a fine up to $340,000 for illegally smuggling in his Yorkies, Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard. HA. I wonder how Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard feel about being at the center of an international incident? They obviously don’t have time to care because they’re too busy taking 300 naps and licking their own assholes.

The Sydney Morning Herald says that Australia really wants to get down to the bottom of how Johnny got Boo and Pistol into the country without officials finding out until a groomer posted a picture of one of them on Facebook. Apparently, a customs official checked the private jet before Johnny, the crew and the rest of the passengers got off. So they’re wondering how he got them in. Did he hide them under his hat?! Probably not, because they would’ve been eaten alive by lice after a few minutes. Did he hide them in his ass? (Cut to Richard Gere making an “I am impressed” face.)  How did he do it?!

Even though Boo and Pistol are back in the US, the investigation is still ongoing. The Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce and officials are taking this HIGHLY IMPORTANT matter very seriously. The pilot of the private jet could also face up to 2 years in the clink.

The Daily Mail says that Johnny went to the US for his daughter’s 16th birthday party. He is expected back in Australia where he’ll continue to shoot that Pirates of the Caribbean shit.

Johnny Depp won’t get 10 seconds in jail, let alone 10 years. But if he does get sentenced to a decade in the chokey for smuggling in some Yorkies named Boo and Pistol, the ground of the earth will be covered in tonsils, because we’ll all laugh them out. Australia is not screwing around and if they really want to get Johnny where it truly hurts, they should punish him by banning him from wearing scarves whenever he’s in their country. To Johnny Depp, that is a punishment worse than death.

Open Post: Hosted By A Double Serving Of Deep Fried Beauty

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You may have already seen on CNN that Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Brit Brit Spears and Jennifer Lopez have all canceled their Las Vegas residencies and have decided to do residencies in Laughlin, NV instead. Now you know the reason why. They know that if they stay in Vegas, they will be playing to an audience of tumbleweeds and crickets, because everybody will be taking in the glamour, grace and talents of Suzanne Somers!

Suzanne Somers started her residency at the Westgate in Las Vegas on Saturday and her Co-Queen of Palm Springs Barry Manilow came out to be her opening night good luck charm. The camera that was used to take these pictures must be seriously heatproof, because I can’t believe that it didn’t melt from being so close to these bronzer-covered pillars of pure heat. I mean “pillars of pure heat” both figuratively and literally, because I can feel the 500 degree rays shooting off of Suzanne’s body. I wish I had some platanos. I could fry them up real good by laying them on that picture.

And here’s more of Suzanne and Barry proving that beautiful things happen when you hand your plastic surgeon a picture of a Muppet and say, “Give me the Fry Daddy-fied version of that.

Pics: Wenn.com

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The Time That Jim Bob Duggar Said That Anyone Who Commits Incest Should Be Executed

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Since I’ve already farted up posts about Pimp Mama Kris and Bristol Palin, I may as well complete the fame whore trifecta by farting up a post about the Duggars. So here we are.

This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.

In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”

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Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.

It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.

I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!

Keira Knightley Is A Mom

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

After months of building a massive collection of whimsical Flower Fairies maternity couture, it looks like Keira Knightley can go ahead and stuff them all in a bag and throw them in the donation bin, because E! says she doesn’t need them anymore. “Multiple sources” have confirmed that Keira Knightley has given birth to the baby that was growing inside her for the past 9 months, which means Keira and her husband James Righton are parents now. I know, this news is nothing unless it’s being sung by Michael Bolton.

Keira isn’t exactly the run-to-the-press fame whore type, so not much is really known about Keira Knightley’s baby just yet. But here’s what I do know: it could be a boy or a girl and it’s most likely under 20lbs. Then again, I probably shouldn’t assume anything, since there’s always a chance she gave birth to a 30lb record-shattering vagina-destroying baby. But for the sake of her down-low parts, let’s all cross our fingers and pray that didn’t happen.

I know I mentioned before that I hoped Keira and James embraced all those ght‘s in their last names and named their kid Dwight Knightley-Righton, but now I want to change my baby name guess. Keira and James both have very fancy British-sounding names, so until I hear otherwise, I choose to believe they named their new baby either Poppy Pippa Paddington, Nigel Fitzcrumpet, Keep Calm Reference, or Corgi Union Jack Marmalade. It’s totally the last one, isn’t it?

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Jonathan Rhys Meyers Wants You To Know He’s Definitely Not Off The Wagon

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite photographs showing him looking like the definition of DRUNK that appeared on the internet last week, Jonathan Rhys Meyers would like you to cancel your call to A&E to have Candy Finnigan and the Intervention crew pulled out of retirement, because he’s not nearly as messy as he looks. In case you’ve forgotten, Jonathan used to have a real bad time with the booze, and last week it looked like he and booze had become reacquainted again. But earlier today, Jonathan released a statement via his fianceé Mara Lane’s Instagram account (via Daily Mail) claiming it’s not as bad as it looked:

“Mara and I are thankful for your support and kindness during this time. I apologize for having a minor relapse and hope that people don’t think too badly of me. I stopped drinking immediately and it is no reflection on Damascus Cover [his latest film] as I was not meant to attend Cannes this year and I apologize to fans and colleagues. I am on the mend and thank well wishers and sorry for my disheveled appearance as I was on my way home from a friends and had not changed I feel I made a mistake and feel quite embarrassed but this was just a blip in my recovery otherwise I’m living a healthy life. Love and blessings. #Rebel #Angel”

Maybe it’s because I’m second-hand hammered from looking at those pics of JRM rolling hard on the juice, but “#Rebel #Angel” totally sounds like the name of a party 2-pack from Ed Hardy that comes with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of edible rhinestones.

JRM was stumbling around in the street during the day with his fly open and carrying an open bottle of Smirnoff, which means he can check off three boxes on the “Signs you might need to cool it a bit” list. But that friend of his isn’t off the hook, either. Who lets a friend leave their house that drunk? The open fly alone should have been enough to warrant a couch crashing.

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I Guess “Pimp Mama” Was Already Trademarked

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You goddamn right ‘Pimp Mama’ is already trademarked, buuuuurp,” said White Oprah while drunkenly lying on the bathroom floor of a Long Island T.G.I Fridays where she went after that shitty Philippe restaurant failed to recognize her as the bright shining celebrity she thinks she is.

Seen above seconds before a bird mistook her rubber lips for bloated earthworms in distress and tried to snatch them off of her face, Pimp Mama Kris is trying to trademark the term “momager” because she would. TMZ says that the dick nose-having minion from hell has filed legal papers for the right to own the name “momager” when it comes to all things entertainment. She already has the trademark for “momager” for use in her reality shit show and personal management services. It looks like trademarking is PMK’s newest scheme. Her youngest ATMs, Kendull Jenner and chemtrail expert and future TED speaker Kylie Jenner, are also trying to trademark their first names. Insert KylieMinogueThrowingASideEye.jpg here.

I don’t screw with Ouija boards, but if you do, please summon the ghost of Mama Rose so she can ghost slap the hell out of PMK for thinking she’s the first and biggest momager ever. Mama Rose was a momager long before Lucifer created PMK.

It begins. Expect PMK to trademark everything. She’s going to trademark Pimpager, Shameless Pimp, Whore Wrangler, Pimp Mama Kris, Big Kunt, THIS BITCH, Plastic Leech On Humanity’s Right Ass Lip, etc… etc… We’ll just have to call her Evil Succubus From The Ninth Circle until she eventually trademarks that.

And here’s The Slow One and The Slow One’s man celebrating his birthday by getting paid to host some club night in Las Vegas over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com

Bristol Palin Blew Off Her Canceled Wedding BBQ To Hang Out With Her Exotic Model Friend

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m about as musical as a dehydrated piece of rutabaga, but I’m thinking of starting a band just so I can call it Exotic Model Friend.

This past weekend, the Princess of Wasilla Bristol Palin (Side note: The next time I go outside and a snowball hits my head, I’m just going to assume that an angry bitch from Wasilla threw it at me from Alaska as punishment for calling Bristol Palin their city’s princess.) was supposed to walk down a  moose rug runner to a Skynyrd song while wearing a custom-made Cabela’s camo gown, but that didn’t happen. Bristol hit the kill switch on her planned wedding to her fiancé of a second Dakota Meyer (the dude in the middle giving you lopsided Caesar cut) and it may or may not have something to do with him having a secret first wife. Bristol later claimed that she knew all about Dakota’s first wife and said he divorced her a while ago. Bristol didn’t say if her and Dakota’s love is now roadkill, but it looks like it is and it’s obvious her initials aren’t going to become BM (Bristol Meyer) anytime soon. Actually, if they did get married, Dakota should’ve taken Bristol’s last name so he could have the greatest initials ever: DP.

Sarah Palin burped out a statement saying that her family and Dakota’s family planned to turn the canceled wedding into a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ, because I guess they couldn’t get their deposit back.  The BBQ happened on Saturday and many guests probably asked themselves, “Hmm, something is missing. Why am I not pulling out my cellphone to record an angry brown-headed chick beating a trick over the head with her UGG?” The answer is: Because Bristol wasn’t there!

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Bobby Flay And Stephanie March Are Fighting Over A Horse Now

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

I really wanted to Photoshop Bobby Flay and Stephanie March onto a Kramer vs. Kramer poster with a picture of their horse in the middle, but I decided against it because I’m sure that horse wants nothing to do with this nonsense. Just when you think Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s prenup drama couldn’t get any more fucky (see: that time Bobby brought Stephanie’s fake boobies into it), TMZ says they’re now fighting over a racehorse. A racehorse! How terribly rich of them. What’s next, a custody battle over the automatic caviar dispenser?

The reason they’ve dragged the horse into their messy divorce is this: Stephanie claims Bobby gave her a racehorse back in 2009 for their 4th anniversary. The horse, Dad’s Crazy (who is no doubt considering changing his name to Mom and Dad is Crazy as we speak), was good at being a racehorse and had won about $130,000 during his horse racing career. Eventually, Bobby decided to sell Dad’s Crazy for $60,000. Stephanie says she’s never seen any of Dad’s Crazy’s $130,000 winnings, nor a dime from the $60,000 sale, and she wants the money from her horsie, dammit!

Bobby says yes, the horse was registered in Stephanie’s name, but that’s it. He also claims he doesn’t have any of the $190,000 Dad’s Crazy made. Uh huh, sure. Someone better go check Alfred E. Neuman’s house to see if he’s holding 190 Fage-smeared stacks for his shady second cousin.

I know Stephanie is hungry for Bobby’s Food Network chef cash, but it’s getting pretty obvious that Guy Fieri has a better chance of cooking something edible than Bobby wrapping up a couple million and handing it over to his soon-to-be ex-wife. If Stephanie was smart, she’d take a cue from Law & Order and yank a #getmoneybitch story straight from the headlines. For example: we’re all familiar with the “I spilled hot coffee on myself, now give me a million dollars please” con, right? All Stephanie has to do is walk into one of Bobby’s restaurants, claim she burnt her mouth on a scalding hot chorizo, and threaten to sue his ass for $12 million in mouth damages. There, problem solved!

Sasheer Zamata Met Rihanna After Playing Her On SNL And It Got Weird

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

During a live interview with Brunch Night! with Jamie LeLo (via UsWeekly) on Saturday night, Saturday Night Live‘s Sasheer Zamata told a story about her first meeting with intergalactic singing marijuana princess Rihanna. Sasheer has been playing RiRi in a variety of sketches for a while now (like above, where she played RiRi in a Barbadian remake of Blossom called B’Lossom), but until a few weeks ago, she had never met the Ooh Na Na one. Well, it finally happened when RiRi performed as the musical guest during the season finale episode on May 16th, and according to Sasheer, it was all kinds of awkward and weird.

“We had had a good night after the dress rehearsal, and she turned around and saw me and she was like ‘Hey!’ and she gave me a hug. Then she got drunker progressively throughout the show, and at the end of good nights for the actual show, I went up to give her a hug because I was like ‘We’re good, we’re besties now.’ And I was like ‘Hey!’ and she was like [mimes bored wave]. So I was like ‘Ohhh, wow your true feelings are coming out!’”

[Mimes bored wave] might be the most effortless shade I’ve ever seen. I just pictured that rude bitch Rihanna popping her hand in a “scoot, trick” way, and I died. I died so hard, I came back to life as Rihanna’s bored wave. I love it so much, I might actually say “mimes bored wave” every time I’m over something and don’t have the energy to lift my hand and flick my wrist.

Sasheer shouldn’t take it personally, though. RiRi does drunk at a level far beyond the average human can comprehend, so who even knows if RiRi was directing her bored wave to Sasheer. She could have been summoning the invisible Great Gazoo-like friend that appears every time she gets ripped. Who knows? She’s a mystery.

Speaking of mystery, here’s RiRi strolling through the airport on her way to London earlier today. Why is RiRI wearing the same sweatshirt I wore every day in the 12th grade with the same number of redundant bobby pins I stuck in my hair? Who knows? She’s a mystery!

Pics: Splash/INF

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