During a recent press conference for Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival, a movie critic for the Toronto Star named Peter Howell caused Tom Hardy to make the “WTF is shit shit?” face he’s making above by asking him a next-level dumb question about dudes. Peter Howell, who prefaced his question by stating that he grew up around a bunch of women-types so he knows what it’s like to be “outgunned by estrogen“, asked Tom if at any time during his reading of the script for Mad Max: Fury Road he wondered why there were so many women in a “man’s movie.”
I hope Peter Howell wasn’t expecting a long-ass answer, because Tom Hardy replied to his question by grunting out a hard “NO” followed by the same look I give when someone tells me they think Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. It all happens around the 9:46 mark. Bonus reaction: Charlize Theron’s calm on the outside/(screaming internally) face.
Tom’s response was so cold, I’m surprised that bottle of water in front of him didn’t freeze and explode, but he could have been way ruder. Since when is Mad Max a “man’s movie“? Has Peter Howell never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? That movie has lots of shit for the ladies: still hot Mel Gibson, still hot Mel Gibson’s gorgeous hair, hot sweaty dudes, Tina Turner serving up on-point road warrior eleganza for your nerves. Now that I think of it, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome might be the perfect girl’s night movie. Hell, it even comes with the perfect song to have a drunk dramatic living room sing-off to! Although that’s not specific to ladies; I’m pretty sure everyone loves belting out “We Don’t Need Another Hero“.
MicroMagic foods from the magical 1980s!
There’s not much info about MicroMagic foods on the internet. It doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Someone really needs to take that issue all the way up to the Supreme Court, because that’s just not right. MicroMagic was born sometime in 80s when microwaves were sort of affordable and food companies were showing us all the magical, wondrous things that the microwave can do. (We didn’t get a microwave until the late-ish 80s and when we did, it was like discovering the orgasm. When I opened up the box for the first time, the chorus to Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” played in my head.)
MicroMagic was the perfect quick food for latchkey kids and lazy bitches who didn’t want to drag their asses all the way to McDonald’s. There were MicroMagic hamburgers, fries, milkshakes and other fast food type shit. I only ate the MicroMagic fries, which apparently still exist in Japan, and since the memory bin in my brain has been fried beyond belief (probably from eating so much microwave food), I don’t remember what they tasted like. One blogger says that the burgers were sort of like cold lumps of grease (aka delicious!). I wish I could have the MicroMagic milkshake. I’m sure my mind would be blown like it’s never been blown before while watching a cup of ice cream melt in the microwave. Sorcery!
The internet tells me that MicroMagic went away in the 90s, but its commercials live on thanks to YouTube and the jingle for MicroMagic fries will live on in my head forever.
If MicroMagic still existed today, I’d probably have a freezer chest full of them in my living room. A freezer chest full of MicroMagic is a stoner’s heaven.
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Here’s Tom Cruise on the Georgia set of his new movie and I don’t know if that’s an E-meter can in his pocket or he’s just happy to Xenu. (I don’t know what that means either!) – Lainey Gossip
If the Bill Cosby rape allegations ever make it to a courtroom, I’m sure his attorney will make the same points Amy Schumer makes in this sketch – The Superficial
Teen Mom Jenelle is as calm and genteel as ever – Reality Tea
Rosie Huntington-Whateverly almost serves up nipple and chocha in Lui magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are going to throw their marriage in a coffin before their 10th anniversary, but probably not – Celebitchy
Grace and Frankie, which I have yet to binge watch, got renewed for a second season. If Dolly Parton isn’t a guest star next season, their renewal would have been for nothing! – Towleroad
Katherine McPhee’s eyebrow situation is looking a little wonky in her new music video – Egotastic!
Another day, another set of pictures of Vanessa Hudgens wearing an outfit from the Haus of WTF – Popoholic
I threw up a Duggar post today and that calls for a video of baby goats in tiny sweaters – The Berry
Keeley Hazell (Remember her? Probably not.) still exists and is doing some kind of Baywatch-themed photo shoot – Hollywood Tuna
Jenny Lewis FINALLY does the Cookie Time dance in a music video. However, I am side-eyeing her for letting Zosia Mamet play Dorothy. That’s ILLEGAL and Jenny Lewis should probably be arrested for it – Jezebel
Madge is worth a little over a billion dollars. I wonder how much of that goes to the Illuminati? Does she have to give a regular tithing on top of the virgin sacrifice? – OMG Blog
Tatum O’Neal is doing ladies now – ICYDK
Sam Shepard got another DUI – HuffPo
Tilda Swinton is an ancient being who has been here since the beginning of time, so this casting makes sense – Pajiba
So much for the rumors that Cameron Diaz is done with rubbing on Benji Madden’s tattooed FUPA – Popsugar
Okay, but when are we going to find out that the Kartrashian Kar Krash was shot using a stunt driver in front of a green screen on a soundstage in Burbank? – Just Jared
Pic: Evil Milk
It’s been nearly a year since the New Jersey Turnpike crash that killed comedian James McNair and left Tracy Morgan in a bad way with a broken leg, broken ribs and a brain injury. Tracy hasn’t worked since and he wasn’t well enough to do Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special back in February. Since the crash, Tracy’s lawyers and Walmart have been fighting it out. Tracy’s lawyers pointed out that the driver of the Walmart truck admitted to police that he hadn’t slept in 24 hours before the multi-car crash. Walmart’s lawyers tried to blame Tracy for his injuries by saying that he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Well, they’re not going to take their shank fight to a courtroom, because E! News reports that they have settled.
James McNair’s family got $10 million when they settled with Walmart in March. We won’t ever know how much money Tracy got from Walmart, because he signed a confidentiality agreement. He released this statement today and it’s best if you read it in Tracy Jordan’s voice.
“Walmart did right by me and my family, and for my associates and their families. I am grateful that the case was resolved amicably.”
My guess is that Walmart “did right” by him by giving enough money to buy several Benihana franchises and fund a real Who Dat Ninja? movie. And I bet that in a few months, Walmart will be hitting Tracy up for some child support, because I’m sure that during a break in settlement negotiations, he took their ugly orange sunburst logo behind a middle school and got it pregnant.
As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.
If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.
If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.
“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.
I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”
But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?
“How many licks does it take to get to the cream?” is what several thirsty, horny hos said to Colton Haynes last night. Probably.
One-time XY twink model and actor type Colton Haynes is in that San Andreas movie and at last night’s L.A. premiere, he decided to show us what it would look like if a wizard turned a pink flamingo law ornament into a junior car salesman. I’m into it. So many dudes show up to these things in the same boring ass black or blue suit. It’s about time a dude brings on the puckers by doing himself up like a Candyland pimp. But you know, The CW version of Channing Tatum is a brave bitch for wearing that around The Rock.
I mean, Colton looks like a giant piece of salmon sashimi and we all know that The Rock has to eat an extra large serving of protein every hour on the hour or one of his ten millions muscles will deflate a little. Hmmm… I just realized that if you want The Rock to eat you good, just walk by him while looking like a giant piece of salmon sashimi. On that note, I’m off to find a pink suit at Kohl’s.
The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.”
TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.
TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.
LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.
When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.