Normally when a famous type wins an Oscar, they clutch it and kiss it and stare at it all day long and stick it up their ass just so they can feel closer to it. But not Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman couldn’t give a single floating swan turd about the Oscar she won in 2010. In fact, Natalie Portman recently admitted to The Hollywood Reporter that she isn’t even sure where her Oscar is. Anne Hathaway just fainted, woke up, then fainted again.
“I don’t know where it is. I think it’s in the safe or something. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it in a while. I mean, Darren [Aronovsky] actually said to me something when we were in that whole thing that resonated so deeply. I was reading the story of Abraham to my child and talking about, like, not worshipping false idols. And this is literally like gold men. This is literally worshipping gold idols — if you worship it. That’s why it’s not displayed on the wall. It’s a false idol.”
“You know, there are some people would kill to have one of those little gold idols displayed on their wall” said a sad Leonardo DiCaprio, as he wipes away a tear with the unused acceptance speech he keeps in his pocket at all times.
But gagging over her Academy Award isn’t the only thing Natalie doesn’t have time for. Natalie is currently living in France, and just like how she swatted at all those nasty déclassé American bitches in shorts, she also has words about how much more perfectly cultured people are over there:
“I love that people at dinner want to have a serious conversation – and only a serious conversation. They’ll be upset if you don’t have something interesting happen. I love that my kid wants to go to art museums after school – like, ‘Take me to the Pompidou.’ I love that it’s also not elitist, as it is in New York. You can afford to go to the philharmonic or the opera much more easily because all of it’s subsidized. And there’s a huge culture of cinema there.”
Um, excuse you Natalie, but we have a huge culture of cinema over here too. Example: there’s a movie theater near me that is playing both Showgirls and Striptease this month, AND they sell wine. If that’s not the definition of culture, I don’t know what is.
What McDonald’s needs to be doing is using all of their energy and time to make all-day breakfast a dream come true everywhere, but instead they’re screwing with their mascots again. They already made everyone scream “I’m hatin’ it” when they made Ronald McDonald put on some hideous cargo pants and they made everyone shit in their pants (without eating anything from McDonald’s) when they introduced the psychopath Happy Meal mascot. And now they’ve gone after the Hamburglar.
The Hamburglar used to be a bucktoothed ginger with crackhead eyes and I don’t think anybody thought he needed a makeover. But McDonald’s did and felt like it was time for him to grow up. Believe it or not, the picture above is not a picture of a generic Walmart Halloween costume of a character they have to call “The Meat Sandwich Robber” for trademark reasons. It’s a picture of the new hipsterfied Hamburglar. McDonald’s tells Mashable that the Hamburglar pressed pause on hamburger-stealing to move to the suburbs and raise kids. WHA?!
“We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”
The new Hamburglar looks like a douche dad who wanted to be Zorro for Halloween, but didn’t want to spend any money so he wore his son’s sneakers, his daughter’s striped shirt from American Apparel, the mask that came in a Fifty Shades of Grey gift basket his wife won at work and the black trench coat he wore when he was The Pick-Up Artist one year. Well, I will say that the new Hamburglar looks more threatening than every member of the Suicide Squad.
With all that being said, yes, I would. I’d let him snatch my beef and burgle my ham. I don’t know what that means exactly, but you get the picture, which is why you’re probably pouring bleach on your head.
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
Because Hollywood is basically high school and the Met Gala is basically the prom (the Oscars are really more of an awards ceremony celebrating outstanding achievement in awesomeness or student council elections), it shouldn’t be surprising that one of the cool girls would have one of the desperate wannabes banned from her afterparty. According to The Sun (via The Mirror), Rihanna had her low-budget equivalent Rita Ora banned from her Met Gala afterparty. Looks like we can cross Rita Ora’s name off the list of possible “sources” who saw Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk.
A “source” says that when it came time to make out the guest list for her party, Princess Ooh Na Na made it very clear that her future Legends In Concert look-alike wouldn’t be getting an invitation and that she shouldn’t be let in under any circumstanced. The source then went on to add that RiRi “has a real issue with Rita and this was her chance for revenge.” Not only did RiRi deny RitRit a spot on the guest list, she also made things awkward with Rita and Cara Delevingne. Rita and Cara used to be friends, but she’s apparently Rihanna’s friend now.
However, a source close to Rita (so, basically Rita) claims that Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to one hosted by Lady Gaga. That sound you just heard was the entire world shouting “Sure, Jan.”
There’s a million reasons why RiRi would have denied RitRit’s ass, but the most obvious one is that you don’t need to Rihannas at the same party! That’s like going to a 5-year-old’s birthday party and seeing two Elsas. Just pick the better Elsa.
Here’s the Sindy to RiRi’s Barbie leaving Lady Gaga’s afterparty on Monday night. Apparently RitRit has replaced Cara Delevingne with Sienna Miller. Upgrade!
Shortly before Bradley Cooper made an appearance on Good Morning America this morning to talk about bone marrow donation, Page Six says that he might have been trying to donate his boner to Irina Shayk (don’t get up; I’ll show myself out for that one). Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have been maybe-dating for the past couple of weeks, but I guess their PR people decided it was time to take whatever they’re doing to the next level. “Sources” (8 of Bradley Cooper’s most gossipy eyebrow stylists) tell Page Six that B.Coop and I.Shayk spent the majority of Rihanna’s Met Gala afterparty making out in a dark corner. Ooooh, how middle school dance of them! I wonder if any of the adults told them to keep it Bible-width apart?
Bradley and Irina both went to the Met Gala, but not together. They met up later on at RiRi’s. They hung out with a group of their friends, which included Kerry Washington, the Winklevoss Twins, and Leonardo DiCaprio, but eventually snuck off to the “karaoke room” to mouth hump on each other.
One source claims they were making out till about 3 or 4 in the morning. No word on whether or not they left together. If you really want to see what Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk looks like, the Daily Mail has some pictures that look like they were taken with a busted Motorola Razr.
I see what was going on there. All that making out was just Bradley Cooper’s way of keeping Leonardo DiCaprio from poaching his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend. Smart move to sneak off to the “karaoke room“; when Leo gets his horny party hobo on, his movement is pretty much limited to just drinking, popping boners, and heavy breathing. Bradley clearly knew that Jack Nicholson Jr. would be far too lethargic to follow them into a room that would require him to stand upright and sing.
Here’s Bradley Cooper at GMA this morning swabbing his mouth for a bone marrow test. Speaking of light speed, I’m sure it took all of 0.003 seconds before the first pic below was Photoshopped into some next-level lewdness.
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash/INF
A serious, serious thing happened the other day: Joss Whedon quit Twitter. And Joss Whedon quit around the same time that the poetic child of a peyote plant and a PM. Dawn lyrics sheet, Jaden Smith, quit too. How we’ll be able to pick up the pieces and go on as a people is beyond me.
I figured that Joss Whedon left Twitter, because the Avengers: Age of Ultron made six trajillion dollars and it’s kind of hard to type 140 character-long tweets while you’re doing yourself with a solid gold dildo as one slave exfoliates your bald head with crushed canary diamonds and another slave massages your balls with a Pegasus feather. But others figured Joss Whedon quit the bitch that is Twitter because feminists dragged his ass for the way Black Widow was treated in Age of Ultron. Others argued that it’s not solely Joss Whedon’s fault, because he was basically Marvel’s well-paid corporate bitch and they fought over storylines and scenes in the Avengers. Patton Oswalt piped in and also said that the tea party version of feminists chased Joss away. (Patton Oswalt later deleted that tweet and took it back. But when is he going to take back his unholy rant against ginger angel Phoebe Price?!)
Joss Whedon wanted to put a stop to all the talk that the mean, angry feminists made him pick up his toys and leave the playground. So Joss called Buzzfeed and told them that he didn’t leave Twitter because of the Avengers hate. He left because he needs to get shit done.
While the world’s top neurologists work tirelessly to find a cure for dickmatization, Charlize Theron continues to baffle everyone by talking about angry mummified hot dog Sean Penn without using the words “I know, I don’t know why either.” Although she did recently admit to Elle UK that things got a bit dramatic with her maybe fiance when they decided to work together. That sound you just heard was every filing cabinet drawer being yanked open to the file marked Surprising, Things Which Are Not.
Charlize and Sean decided to give their relationship the future kiss of death by filming a movie together called The Last Face. Sean Penn is directing Charlize, and it sounds like it’s going about as well as working with Sean Penn would be.
“Putting aside that he’s my partner, he’s the love of my life; for the first time, I felt that my work was really bleeding into my life and that made it hard. There were moments where I was incredibly unfair to him. And moments where I felt like…he was incredibly unfair to me. But it makes you realize that no matter how complicated it gets, the priority is the relationship.”
Now is the time I wish more people wrote tell-alls, because I would 100% read a tell-all from the set of The Last Face. The things that craft services table has seen! I really need to know if any of those “unfair” moments involved shoving a cellphone inside a tuna salad on rye and whipping it at someone’s face.
Here’s more of Charlize looking all ~moody~ in Elle UK:
I’ve said this a million times before (I could say that about anything I’ve said before, because I’ve said everything a million times before), but growing up, my mom wouldn’t let us eat any sugary junk food shit and tried to fill our bodies with only healthy stuff. Sometimes I’d want sugary shit so bad that I’d eat spoonfuls of sugar and if I knew that mainlining and snorting the stuff would’ve hit me faster, I would’ve done that. When I’m sitting in the corner of my darkened bedroom with empty Fruit Pie and Three Musketeers wrappers around me and the floor is covered with Thin Mint crumbs and the almonds I spit out while eating Almond Joys (almonds have no business in a junk food binge), I blame my mom for not feeding me trash food as a child.
But every now and again, she would give us sugary deliciousness and sometimes she’d buy us stuff she thought was extra healthy. Case in point: Fruit Wheats! Nabisco Fruit Wheats were exactly what they look like. They were shredded wheat squares that fell in love with a fruit and got bareback fucked by it, which is why it was full of fruit filling.
They were delicious and I didn’t even bother eating them with milk. Why ruin that raw goodness with milk?! Fruit Wheats are no longer with us and there’s other cereals like it out there, but they’re not the same. Besides, none of them have a theme jingle as amazing as this one:
One of the 11 vitamins and minerals in Fruit Wheats was obviously Vitamin E (for Ecstasy), because those people are way too happy.
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That Dancer Emoji really needs to get herself a team of lawyers, because yet another famous trick shamelessly stole her look and worked it worse - Lainey Gossip
While scrolling through the billions upon billions upon billions of pictures from the Met Gala, I did tell myself that it doesn’t feel the same without Kristen Stewart looking every layer of miserable – Celebitchy
Diddy’s commercial for 3AM should be banned for the simple fact that he’s in it – The Superficial
Yolanda Foster is off in Germany looking for a cure for Lyme Disease – Reality Tea
Gay people go to baseball games?!?! – Towleroad
I don’t even have a beard, but this video is still making me want to shave every hour on the hour so this dude never tickle wickle wickles me – Hollywood Tuna
The rapping granny from The Wedding Singer is now smoking a blunt with Tupac in heaven – Jezebel
Lenny Kravitz, come get your daughter and tell her to stop doing shit like this with Miley – Drunken Stepfather
And today in: Harpo, Who Dis Woman? – Popoholic
THIS BITCH: The Lindsay Lohan Edition – IDLYITW
The creator of Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal died recently and Ryan Gosling honored him by finally eating his cereal. I think I need to go to the free clinic tonight, because my eyes are leaking and that has never happened before! – Pajiba
This dog looks like every chick going to a yoga class – The Berry
And just like that, Charlie Sheen has quit Hollywood and has gone to Berlin to live out his dream of being a stock boy at ALDI – OMG Blog
A contestant in a wheelchair won a treadmill from The Price Is Right and I don’t see the big deal. She can still use it the way all people use their treadmills: to hang clothes on – HuffPo
If you were concerned that RiRi’s always-out nipples were suffocating under that 800-pound scrambled egg coat she wore to the Met Gala, don’t worry. She let them free afterward – ICYDK
NEW COUPLE ALERT! We shall call them CooDi or LeoBra – Just Jared
Here’s Fergie Ferg’s thumb belly button if you’re into that – Popsugar
Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest’s lazy ass is taking the day off. It’ll be back tomorrow.