The walls of Tumblr are barely standing and are covered in cracks from Benjidog Cummerbund getting married and hatching eggs into that Sophie Hunter trick and this news is probably going to make them completely crumble into a million pieces. My thoughts and prayers are with the N and O keys on the keyboard of every Hiddlestoner’s computer, because they’re probably using the shit out of those kyes while typing NOOOONONONONONONONONONO over and over again.
UsWeekly says that the beloved prince of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston is casually wet humping on the third Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. Tom and Elizabeth didn’t work together on the Avengers. (He shot a scene, but it got cut.) Some source says that they got really close while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light together. Elizabeth Olsen just broke up with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook in January, so she and Loki are just fuck buddies for now.
“They have been hooking up,” the insider tells Us of the longtime friends.
“It’s casual,” the insider says, adding that the two won’t be rushing into titles anytime soon, but they do make sure to “text when they’re apart.” And the timing for Hiddleston, 34, couldn’t be more perfect, considering Olsen, 26, called off her engagement to Boyd Holbrook this past January.
“She wants to make a new life for herself,” the source says. “She’s having fun.”
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have probably already pulled out the cauldron and are now chewing off frog legs, yanking out the nails of a black chicken and preparing the blood of a first born newborn, because they know they’re going to need to conjure up a serious dark magic spell to protect their sister from Loki’s fans. His fans will rage knowing that when Elizabeth Olsen looks down after he nibbles on her chocha, she gets to see that smiling face staring back at her. (And depending how sweaty he is, she might be able to get to see her reflection in his glorious forehead.) Or maybe his fans aren’t raging, because they’re holding it all in as they rock back and forth while they tell themselves, “Oh, it’s just PR, it’s just PR, it’s just PR.” I feel them. I do that every time Prince Hot Ginge hooks up with another dishwater blonde.
It’s been way too long (read: like 5 seconds) since we’ve heard about Leonardo DiCatchAHo sucking the life out of some blonde through her mouth, but don’t worry. He’s still got it. He was seen making out with some blonde at Sotheby’s. No, he didn’t win her in an auction. Don’t be crazy. He buys all his blonde models wholesale - Lainey Gossip
Beyonce has lost 65 pounds from going vegan and I believe her if you also include all the weight she’s shaved off of her body with the lipo tool on Photoshop – Celebitchy
Speaking of Leonardo DiCatchAHo, I’m pretty sure this is what his dining room table looks like – Drunken Stepfather
Dlisted commenters, call your agents NOW, because Joel McHale’s Comment Section show is happening – Reality Tea
Laura Jeanne Poon shows Blake NotSoLively that she’s not the only famous rich girl who can sell overpriced “Southern” stuff to basic bitches. But I am disappointed that there’s not a $600 throw pillow with the words “I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN” stitched into it - Jezebel
Here’s Adele in drag as George Michael and yes, I’d hit it – Towleroad
This is the part in the whole “sex tape charade” when the Porn Iguana pretends she doesn’t want it out. In the next chapter she’ll sign it over after saying that it’s going to get out anyway. Try to do your best to look extremely shocked when that happens – The Superficial
Panty Creamer of the Day: Two hot cops (Oh, and there’s Megan Fox in Brit Brit’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time” outfit too) – Popoholic
And here’s Megan Fox in a tank top without two hot cops with her – Hollywood Tuna
In case you haven’t seen this classic, here’s a boy, who might be a Lohan, stealing a wish from a little girl - The Berry
Goopy Paltrow wants you to think that her daughter is the reason why she didn’t go to the Met Gala when we all know she didn’t go because she didn’t want to inhale the dirty scent of the trashy peasants they let in nowadays – Popsugar
FOX has thrown The Mindy Project into a shallow grave, but Hulu may rescue it - Just Jared
The grown twins from Desperate Housewives got into some slightly incestual shit for Uncle Terry - OMG Blog
For the zero of you who haven’t seen Kummy Kakes naked ass and tits – WWTDD
“Show me a peen print or something!” is pretty much what I shout every time I watch a new trailer for Magic Mike XXL - SOW
Big Bird was almost on the Challenger – HuffPo
The sky is blue, water is wet, Kanye West’s b-hole gets moist whenever Riccardo Tisci adds the thumb up emoji to one of his texts and Kylie Jenner’s lips are full of fillers. Expect that shocking development to be added to the Book of Revelation.
17-year-old Kylie Jenner has said time and time again that her enormous Bratz lips were made with make-up and not Kardashian blood (aka fillers) and every time she said that most of us threw her a side-eye as though she said, “I swear, my mother has a soul.” But after months of denials and after a bunch of stupid kids almost killed their lips from doing the #KylieJennerChallenge, Pimp Mama Kris’ youngest employee has admitted that her neck pillow lips are fake.
In a preview for the next episode of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians, a reporter tries to be slick by asking Kylie what’s the secret to getting “amazing” lips like hers. The secret of course is found at the end of a plastic surgeon’s syringe needle, but Kylie awkwardly tiptoes around the question and instead talks about lipstick colors or something. Kylie then admits during one of those reality TV confessionals that she had “temporary fillers” injected into her lips. Those of you (read: none of you) who believed Kylie and thought her lips just had a growth spurt are probably crying into the deed for the bridge you bought from a friend, because you can’t believe that she deceived you.
Kylie really didn’t have to say anything. It would be shocking if she didn’t have any fillers or anything. I mean, she’s PMK’s child. You’re not officially PMK’s child until you’ve been khristened with a syringe full of filler. If Kylie didn’t want any kind of plastic surgery, it would break PMK’s cold, dead demon heart and she’d clutch at the rubbery skin on her flesh while screaming, “Why do you hate me?!”
And here’s another klip where Khlozilla says that Kylie should just tell the truth about her lips. This coming from a trick whose probably got two giant stress balls shoved under her ass skin:
Why did I watch that first part more than once? All of my future Thanksgivings are ruined now. I’ll have to run out of the kitchen screaming every time I see my mom slathering oil all over a turkey.
And here’s the only all-natural member of the Kartrashians whoring out her toilet book at Barnes & Noble in NYC yesterday.
Normally when a famous type wins an Oscar, they clutch it and kiss it and stare at it all day long and stick it up their ass just so they can feel closer to it. But not Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman couldn’t give a single floating swan turd about the Oscar she won in 2010. In fact, Natalie Portman recently admitted to The Hollywood Reporter that she isn’t even sure where her Oscar is. Anne Hathaway just fainted, woke up, then fainted again.
“I don’t know where it is. I think it’s in the safe or something. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it in a while. I mean, Darren [Aronovsky] actually said to me something when we were in that whole thing that resonated so deeply. I was reading the story of Abraham to my child and talking about, like, not worshipping false idols. And this is literally like gold men. This is literally worshipping gold idols — if you worship it. That’s why it’s not displayed on the wall. It’s a false idol.”
“You know, there are some people would kill to have one of those little gold idols displayed on their wall” said a sad Leonardo DiCaprio, as he wipes away a tear with the unused acceptance speech he keeps in his pocket at all times.
But gagging over her Academy Award isn’t the only thing Natalie doesn’t have time for. Natalie is currently living in France, and just like how she swatted at all those nasty déclassé American bitches in shorts, she also has words about how much more perfectly cultured people are over there:
“I love that people at dinner want to have a serious conversation – and only a serious conversation. They’ll be upset if you don’t have something interesting happen. I love that my kid wants to go to art museums after school – like, ‘Take me to the Pompidou.’ I love that it’s also not elitist, as it is in New York. You can afford to go to the philharmonic or the opera much more easily because all of it’s subsidized. And there’s a huge culture of cinema there.”
Um, excuse you Natalie, but we have a huge culture of cinema over here too. Example: there’s a movie theater near me that is playing both Showgirls and Striptease this month, AND they sell wine. If that’s not the definition of culture, I don’t know what is.
What McDonald’s needs to be doing is using all of their energy and time to make all-day breakfast a dream come true everywhere, but instead they’re screwing with their mascots again. They already made everyone scream “I’m hatin’ it” when they made Ronald McDonald put on some hideous cargo pants and they made everyone shit in their pants (without eating anything from McDonald’s) when they introduced the psychopath Happy Meal mascot. And now they’ve gone after the Hamburglar.
The Hamburglar used to be a bucktoothed ginger with crackhead eyes and I don’t think anybody thought he needed a makeover. But McDonald’s did and felt like it was time for him to grow up. Believe it or not, the picture above is not a picture of a generic Walmart Halloween costume of a character they have to call “The Meat Sandwich Robber” for trademark reasons. It’s a picture of the new hipsterfied Hamburglar. McDonald’s tells Mashable that the Hamburglar pressed pause on hamburger-stealing to move to the suburbs and raise kids. WHA?!
“We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”
The new Hamburglar looks like a douche dad who wanted to be Zorro for Halloween, but didn’t want to spend any money so he wore his son’s sneakers, his daughter’s striped shirt from American Apparel, the mask that came in a Fifty Shades of Grey gift basket his wife won at work and the black trench coat he wore when he was The Pick-Up Artist one year. Well, I will say that the new Hamburglar looks more threatening than every member of the Suicide Squad.
With all that being said, yes, I would. I’d let him snatch my beef and burgle my ham. I don’t know what that means exactly, but you get the picture, which is why you’re probably pouring bleach on your head.
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
Because Hollywood is basically high school and the Met Gala is basically the prom (the Oscars are really more of an awards ceremony celebrating outstanding achievement in awesomeness or student council elections), it shouldn’t be surprising that one of the cool girls would have one of the desperate wannabes banned from her afterparty. According to The Sun (via The Mirror), Rihanna had her low-budget equivalent Rita Ora banned from her Met Gala afterparty. Looks like we can cross Rita Ora’s name off the list of possible “sources” who saw Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk.
A “source” says that when it came time to make out the guest list for her party, Princess Ooh Na Na made it very clear that her future Legends In Concert look-alike wouldn’t be getting an invitation and that she shouldn’t be let in under any circumstanced. The source then went on to add that RiRi “has a real issue with Rita and this was her chance for revenge.” Not only did RiRi deny RitRit a spot on the guest list, she also made things awkward with Rita and Cara Delevingne. Rita and Cara used to be friends, but she’s apparently Rihanna’s friend now.
However, a source close to Rita (so, basically Rita) claims that Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to one hosted by Lady Gaga. That sound you just heard was the entire world shouting “Sure, Jan.”
There’s a million reasons why RiRi would have denied RitRit’s ass, but the most obvious one is that you don’t need to Rihannas at the same party! That’s like going to a 5-year-old’s birthday party and seeing two Elsas. Just pick the better Elsa.
Here’s the Sindy to RiRi’s Barbie leaving Lady Gaga’s afterparty on Monday night. Apparently RitRit has replaced Cara Delevingne with Sienna Miller. Upgrade!
Shortly before Bradley Cooper made an appearance on Good Morning America this morning to talk about bone marrow donation, Page Six says that he might have been trying to donate his boner to Irina Shayk (don’t get up; I’ll show myself out for that one). Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk have been maybe-dating for the past couple of weeks, but I guess their PR people decided it was time to take whatever they’re doing to the next level. “Sources” (8 of Bradley Cooper’s most gossipy eyebrow stylists) tell Page Six that B.Coop and I.Shayk spent the majority of Rihanna’s Met Gala afterparty making out in a dark corner. Ooooh, how middle school dance of them! I wonder if any of the adults told them to keep it Bible-width apart?
Bradley and Irina both went to the Met Gala, but not together. They met up later on at RiRi’s. They hung out with a group of their friends, which included Kerry Washington, the Winklevoss Twins, and Leonardo DiCaprio, but eventually snuck off to the “karaoke room” to mouth hump on each other.
One source claims they were making out till about 3 or 4 in the morning. No word on whether or not they left together. If you really want to see what Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk looks like, the Daily Mail has some pictures that look like they were taken with a busted Motorola Razr.
I see what was going on there. All that making out was just Bradley Cooper’s way of keeping Leonardo DiCaprio from poaching his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend. Smart move to sneak off to the “karaoke room“; when Leo gets his horny party hobo on, his movement is pretty much limited to just drinking, popping boners, and heavy breathing. Bradley clearly knew that Jack Nicholson Jr. would be far too lethargic to follow them into a room that would require him to stand upright and sing.
Here’s Bradley Cooper at GMA this morning swabbing his mouth for a bone marrow test. Speaking of light speed, I’m sure it took all of 0.003 seconds before the first pic below was Photoshopped into some next-level lewdness.
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash/INF
A serious, serious thing happened the other day: Joss Whedon quit Twitter. And Joss Whedon quit around the same time that the poetic child of a peyote plant and a PM. Dawn lyrics sheet, Jaden Smith, quit too. How we’ll be able to pick up the pieces and go on as a people is beyond me.
I figured that Joss Whedon left Twitter, because the Avengers: Age of Ultron made six trajillion dollars and it’s kind of hard to type 140 character-long tweets while you’re doing yourself with a solid gold dildo as one slave exfoliates your bald head with crushed canary diamonds and another slave massages your balls with a Pegasus feather. But others figured Joss Whedon quit the bitch that is Twitter because feminists dragged his ass for the way Black Widow was treated in Age of Ultron. Others argued that it’s not solely Joss Whedon’s fault, because he was basically Marvel’s well-paid corporate bitch and they fought over storylines and scenes in the Avengers. Patton Oswalt piped in and also said that the tea party version of feminists chased Joss away. (Patton Oswalt later deleted that tweet and took it back. But when is he going to take back his unholy rant against ginger angel Phoebe Price?!)
Joss Whedon wanted to put a stop to all the talk that the mean, angry feminists made him pick up his toys and leave the playground. So Joss called Buzzfeed and told them that he didn’t leave Twitter because of the Avengers hate. He left because he needs to get shit done.