Archives: May 2015

Kim Kardashian Helped Konvince Kylie Jenner To Get Lip Injections

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.

During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!

“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”

To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.

But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.

Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.

Pics: Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Mooscles, the pumped up mascot of Applegate Farms.

Up until reader Bert dropped this into my inbox a few days ago, I didn’t know that Applegate Farms (aka the makers of that fancy organic bacon you splurge on when you want to feel like you’re living like Beyonce) had commercials and I really didn’t know that they had a mascot. But for a while now, they’ve been squirting out commercials starring their mascot Mooscles, the muscle piece in a cow suit that squeezed out of a bodybuilding bull’s asshole months after that cattle was implanted with an HGH capsule that was fertilized with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nipple discharge.

In each commercial, Mooscles’ Dolph Lundgren-in-a-cow-suit-looking ass tries to convince a shopper to try his meat (which is full of hormones and stuff) and the shopper tells him that she wants all-natural meat. The commercials really make no sense to me. I mean, that buff piece in a cow suit is basically saying to them “Do you want to go out back and bone?” and each shopper is like, “Naw, it’s okay, I want to buy this package of hot dogs instead.” The HELL? Who would rather buy a package of hot dogs than have a quickie in a supermarket back alley with Kellan Lutz’s daddy in a cow suit?

Of course, some pearl clutchers were highly offended by this commercial. I found this comment from a highly offended person named Barbara on Applegate’s website:

Would just like to tell you that your commercial with the body builder in a dog costume is a crude commercial. I hope that is not the quality of your products!

Shush, nobody tell Barbara that’s not a dog costume he’s wearing. It makes me happy knowing that somewhere in the world is a person trying to play fetch with a cow.

And I hope Applegate Farms starts selling cheese-filled hot dogs soon, because I need to see that commercial.

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Birthday Sluts

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Naomi Campbell (45)
Apolo Ohno (33)
Daniel Bryan (34)
Nazanin Boniadi (35)
Maggie Q (36)
Ginnifer Goodwin (37)
Katie Price (37)
Sean Gunn (41)
A.J. Langer (41)
Alison Eastwood (43)
Annabel Chong (43)
Brooke Smith (48)
Johnny Gill (49)
Morrissey (56)
Bernie Taupin (65)
Bernard Shaw (75)

Pic: V Magazine

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Night Crumbs

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s a rumor that Johnny Depp dramatically stormed off of the Australian set of Pirates of the Caribbean 435: This Shit Again and is threatening to come back to the US to be with Amber Heard. A rep has already denied it. The thing is, I don’t think it’s possible for Johnny Depp to dramatically storm off of a set. In order to dramatically storm off of a set, you must dramatically toss your scarf over your shoulder, arch your back and sashay off in a huff. Since Johnny was probably wearing at least 85 scarves, it would take him a good 2 hours to finish throwing each scarf over his shoulder. The crew would’ve left the set before he was done, because they don’t have time for that shit  - Lainey Gossip 

Jane Fonda is slathering the camera with pure sex in W MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Princess Beatrice is living the life – Celebitchy

It’s a good thing for us that Jax Taylor’s recent nose job didn’t stop him from throwing some Blue Steel at us – Reality Tea 

The raw emotion: Vin Diesel is once again bringing it while serenading Paul Walker - The Superficial 

Don’t we all just want to get naked when an airline tells us our flight is overbooked? – Jezebel

The Elton John biopic starring Tom Hardy will be turned into a Broadway musical. If it’s an all-nude production also starring Tom Hardy, they can take my money now – Towleroad

Victoria Justice wears the first communion version of The Slut Dress™ – Egotastic!

Casey Wilson had a baby – ICYDK

Ashley Greene’s hair is really giving me a craving for an overcooked sourdough loaf – Popoholic

Someone sold a thong they said Emily Ratajkowski wore once – IDLYITW

They really will let anybody in high heels on the Cannes red carpet. Case in point: Kendall JennerHollywood Tuna

The Hannibal season 3 trailer is here  - Pajiba

You too can live like Regina George for only $15 million - OMG Blog

Laura Jeanne Poon is playing a live-action Tinker Bell and I can’t wait for the scene where she gets tanked and tells the cops, “I AM A NEVERLAND CITIZEN ON NEVERLAND SOIL!” – Just Jared

Leonardo DiCatchAHo is in Cannes doing what Leonardo DiCatchAHo does – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Josh Duggar Confirms Molestation Accusations And Quits His Job At Family Research Council

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

A quick minute after InTouch Weekly coughed up the receipts proving that Josh Duggar was briefly investigated for molesting 5 young girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager, he has released a statement to People confirming that it’s true. He also resigned as spokeswhore of the Family Research Council. In the statement, Josh shits up a heave-worthy dingle about how he realized that if he kept going down Child Touching Way, he’d ruin his life. Oh, poor Josh. Let’s only think about his life, because it’s not like he ruined the lives of the girls.

“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions,” says Josh. “I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”

FYI: Michelle Duggar admitted in the police report that Josh never got actual counseling. They just sent him to live with a friend who owns a home renovation business. So yeah, sanding a deck and painting an accent wall in a living room really changed him.

TMZ also says that a judge today ordered for the police report to be destroyed after one of the victims told the court that she doesn’t want her name getting out there. InTouch Weekly got a hold of a redacted copy and she’s afraid that the unredacted copy will get out there. The judge agreed with her.

Josh’s pregnant wife Anna, his dad Jim Bob and his mom Michelle (who once compared transgender people to child touchers in a robocall) also released statements to People. Anna just said that Josh told her a while ago, she’s standing by him and she knows that the counseling he got (which he didn’t get) changed him. Jim Bob and Michelle basically said that they also support Josh and God got them through it. If you combine all their statements together, they say God’s name at least a million times. They say it so much that I’m sure God is thinking, “Leave me out of this shit already!”

And if you really need a reason to bang your head against a table over and over again, read some of the comments at the 19 Kids and Counting Facebook page. I think I bruised my pituitary gland and I didn’t even know I had one of those!

Pic: Reuters

Open Post: Hosted By John Travolta As Robert Shapiro

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

If a constipated Herman Munster got a botched brow lift, slathered his skin with orange wax, hired Count Chocula’s eyebrow wizard to work their magic on him and had discount hair plugs installed, he’d look like John Travolta as Robert Shapiro. In other words, he’d look perfect.

2016′s most anticipated TV event of the year (to me) American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson has started shooting in L.A. and the other day the paps caught John Travolta taking a quick break from giving the performance of his career (next to that “I Think You Might Like It” video). As you know, nearly every single human being with an IMDB page is in this. Sarah Paulson is Marcia Clark, Connie Britton is Faye Resnick, Selma Blair is Pimp Mama Kris, Cuba Gooding Jr. is O.J. Simpson, David Schwimmer is Robert Kardashian, Malcolm-Jamal Warner is Al Cowlings, Jordana Brewster is Denise Brown and on and on. They keep adding to the cast too. They just added Billy Magnussen as Kato Kaelin, newcomer Kelly Dowdle as Nicole Brown Simpson and Cheryl Ladd as Robert Shapiro’s wife. CHERYL LADD! No wonder John Travolta signed on. He probably signed his name in blood as soon as they said, “And we’re trying to get Kris from Charlie’s Angels to play your wife.”

Here’s more of Travolta working those brow weaves as well as character portraits from The Hollywood Reporter. Sarah Paulson’s wig may or may not look like the perm my mom got from a beauty school student in the late 80s. And Billy Magnussen as Kato looks like my high school English teacher after she got a busted, lazy version of The Rachel.

Pics: Wenn.com, The Hollywood Reporter

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Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.

She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.

Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.

Pics: Splash

Neville Longbottom Is Grown Up, Hairy And Topless In Attitude Magazine

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, well, well, it looks like Neville Longbottom (not to be confused with Tom Cruise’s Grindr name: NevilleShortBottom) from the Harry Potter movies performed the Makemehottes spell on himself. I was going to say he’s like that dude in junior high school who was a major awkward nerd and grew up to be a hot piece, but all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school grew up to be major awkward nerds. And yes by “all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school” I mean me.

Matthew Lewis, who is now 25 years old, is currently shooting some romantic drama called Me Before You with Emilia Clarke and he’s getting an early start on promoting it by posing in his underwear for a gay magazine. Matthew Lewis stripped down to his chonies, threw on an abuelo cardigan, worked his birthing hips and served up some “sleeping baby anteater” bulge in the UK’s Attitude Magazine. Matthew tells Attitude that he put some muscles on his body for the movie, because he plays an athlete or some shit. Since he plays an athlete, Matthew says he may wax off all that glorious body fur, because he needs to be as smooth as a snake’s anus.

“Apparently triathletes shave their legs for added aerodynamics, to buy you that extra couple of milliseconds. And my character, that is what he would do, so I think I’ll be losing the leg hair! I haven’t waxed before. I was quite keen just to shave every day but it was Emilia’s idea. She was like ‘no just wax it! Then you’ll only have to do it once!’ I was like ‘argh!’ I haven’t done it yet but we’ll see!”

If Matthew needs some extra cash he can always turn his waxed-off body fur into a rug and sell it on eBay. There’s a lot of horny hos out there who will gladly pay top dollar for a Matthew Lewis butt hair rug. But while many tricks are screaming, “Stick it in my chamber of secrets, Matthew,” at that picture, J.K. Rowling is not amused. She jokingly tweeted this today:

jkrowling2015

I’m with J.K. Rowling about DanRad in Equus. That was bad. I’m still salty over not seeing any peen.

Here’s Neville Longbottom on the cover of Attitude and also some pics of him at the London premiere of Tomorrowland a few days ago.

Pics: Attitude, Wenn.com, Splash

Josh Duggar Allegedly Molested His Sisters

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.

Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.

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