Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.
To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.
Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”
As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!
“THIS BITCH!” said the coat check person when RiRi threw this 500-pound “Boboli slathered in nacho cheese” coat at them.
RiRi rolled up to the
Met Gala Meth Gala tonight in a U-Haul, because it was the only rented vehicle in the NYC area that was big enough to hold the heavy ass cheese pizza she called a coat. Apparently, they had to shut down the red carpet when RiRi came through, because her “bigger than the sun” coat would have knocked a few bitches out as she strolled on up.
The thing about RiRi’s coat is that it can be many things. If I was there and stoned (which I’d have to be if I was there), I would’ve nibbled on that coat, because it looks like a pupusa covered in cheese. If Kim Kuntrashian was on the carpet at the same as RiRi, she would’ve rolled all up in that coat, because it looks like a giant puddle of piss. It’s like the aftermath of the golden shower of all golden showers. That’s some full bladder shit. If Vanessa Paradis was there, she’d stare at it lovingly, because she’d remember all the times she jacked Johnny Depp off and ended up with a giant glob of dick cheese on her hand.
No, I don’t like that RiRi stole Coco Peru’s wig. But I do appreciate the fact that her eyebrows are shaped like baseballs bats and her coat thing kind of looks like a condom.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
About six seconds after the red carpet for the
Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.
If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.
I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.
SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.
You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com
This is Justin Timberlake looking like Princess Fiona’s right tit in a promo video for Sauza 901 tequila. Why in Fruit Gushers from HELL did JT do this?! I know, a check is a check, but at what cost?! With that being said, if he goes to the Met Gala tonight and wears this look, he’ll be my best dressed – Jezebel
Jennifer Lawrence, who looks like she just smoked peyote for 12 hours in a badly ventilated teepee, is friends with Lorde, because every young famous white chick is friends with each other. - Lainey Gossip
But the question is, how can anyone leave the Mormon hotness that is Kody Brown?! - Reality Tea
Mark Ruffalo is really sorry he chanted “gypsy” over and over again during the extra messy promo tour for the Offenders, I mean, the Avengers – Celebitchy
Cara Delawhatever’s ass crack got banned in the UK – Drunken Stepfather
May the Fourth be with Maitland Ward who looks like she’s starring in a low-budget, extra messy porn parody called Star Whores – Egotastic!
One of Bill Cosby’s newest accusers has pressed charges against him – The Superficial
Jessica Biel is making sure that Justin Timberlake doesn’t fuck the nanny – Towleroad
Taylor Swift looks hot and I’m only saying that because her eyebrow situation is looking a little chola-esque – Popoholic
That looks more like the Baltimore Penguin, but okay – WWTDD
Uncut Swedish peen alert! Uncut Swedish peen alert! – (NSFW) OMG Blog
If Lori Petty’s Point Break character went on a meth binge… – Hollywood Tuna
Clay Aiken is looking sexy! – SOW
The Black Widow rom-com looks better than most rom-coms and the latest Avengers movie – The Berry
Brooklyn Decker has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! – IDLYITW
Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of the Rillest teamed up for an eardrum-murdering song that sounds like Siri screaming while in a garbage disposal – Just Jared
Amy Adams got married – Popsugar
I’m sure that Coleman cooler has been declared a holy artifact, was gilded and is making its way to Italy where it will be displayed at a museum in the Vatican. Or that ice cream vendor has retired from the ice cream vendor game after selling it for a load of cash to a Brangeloonie who sold their house, internal organs, cars and family to buy it.
While looking like Morticia Addams on holiday, Dame St. Angie Jolie bought ice cream at a soccer game for her three kids: Zahara, Shiloh and Brad Pitt. St. Angie and Brad, who looks like he’s in hipster dad cosplay, once again graced the field at Griffith Park in L.A. with their ethereal presence for their kids’ soccer game over the weekend. The soccer game lasted about 25 seconds and Zahara and Shiloh’s team won by default, because as soon as St. Angie and Brad Pitt had a seat in the stands, every parent and child turned around to face them, got on their knees and worshiped their holiness. It happens every time.
And you know, it’s been a while since I’ve seen St. Angie’s bulging forehead vein of doom and I’ve been missing it. But it looks like it has slithered down south to her arms for the winter and is now living in a bulging vein commune with other bulging veins. I can call off the search!
People says that almost three weeks after she shuffled off to a treatment center in Malibu for “emotional trauma” and definitely not drugs, 19-year-old Ireland Baldwin has checked out of rehab. She has also dyed her hair brown. I know, I really buried the lede there. A “source” tells People that Ireland checked herself out, but will still participate in outpatient treatment. I have no idea what outpatient treatment for emotional trauma is, but I’m assuming it involves someone coming to your house every other day with a pint of ice cream and a VHS tape of To Wong Foo.
People doesn’t say whether Ireland is all better or not or if rehab fixed her problems, but Radar seems to think she wasn’t really that interested in rehab to begin with. A “source” from inside Ireland’s rehab center claims that shortly before she checked out, she was telling people that she just wasn’t “feeling it anymore” and that she needed to “get back to her life.” They also say she spent most of her final week in rehab on her phone and taking selfies. She also might not have made many rehab friends; the same source claims the other patients felt like she was getting special treatment.
Wait, hold on – go back to that part about needing to leave rehab to get back to her life. Get back to what life exactly? Taking selfies, staring at her phone, and hanging out with her friends? At least if she stayed in rehab, she could do all those things PLUS have access to a pool. Fancy rich people rehabs always have a sweet pool.
Here’s Ireland hanging out with a friend in Malibu on Friday.
Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well, I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.
TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?
The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.
Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.
“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”
I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!“
In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.
Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.
Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.
Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.
Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:
Pics: Vanity Fair
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
The clip is after the cut, because it autoplays, so brace your ear drums to be hit with the sound of Kummy Kakes’ voice as soon as you cross over.