Archives: May 2015

Open Post: Hosted By A True Singing Talent

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber and Austin Mahone were both discovered on YouTube and they don’t have 1/10000000000th of the talent, star power and presence this pussy has. A multi-million dollar recording contract better land on that cat’s paws, because it can sing on-key (and without help from auto-tune) and is a master at timing.

This cat’s human uploaded a video of him singing “If You’re Happy And You Know It” in Portuguese with his pussy friend. I know how sneaky some motherfuckers get for the sake of YouTube views, so I watched closely to make sure that nobody was yanking that pussy’s tail to make it meow on cue. I didn’t see any shifty behavior going on. This regular Celine Dion is meowing on its own on cue!

….Or maybe this cat isn’t singing at all. Maybe it’s meowing “stop” in Purrtugeuse, because it’s not happy about its human filming this in portrait mode. I don’t blame the puss.

via VVV

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The Most Recent Couple From “The Bachelor” Have Called It Quits

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.

Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.

Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.

This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.

Even Rick Santorum Is Grossed Out By The Duggars

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Rick Santorum announced on Good Morning America today that he’s going to give the whole” running for president” thing another go. The last time he battled it out in the country’s bitchiest bitch fest, the entire Duggar family endorsed him. If it was legal for children to vote, Rick Santorum would’ve won by a landslide since there’s at least 10 million of those in the Duggar family. But Rick Santorum shouldn’t expect the Duggar women to stitch the words “Santorum Makes My Ovaries Tingle” onto their denim skirts this time around. Because while on GMA this morning, George Stephanopoulos asked Rick Santorum for his thoughts on the molesting pumpkin head and he pretty much spit out a frothy dollop of pure disgust. via Yahoo!

“I was sickened by it. I was just sickened by it,” Santorum, a Christian conservative who had the support of the Duggar family during his first presidential campaign in 2012, said. “I pray for those girls in particular.”

He added: “To have gone through that is … just hard to think about.”

Rick Santorum probably saw the giant load of backlash that splattered against Mike Huckabee’s mug when he raised his Team Duggar sign and said that he was supporting them. So Rick Santorum thought to himself, “Err, just say the opposite of what that other guy said.”

You’d think that since I ran for drama club secretary once (yes, I lost) I’d know a lot about political campaigning. I don’t, but I do know that if you’re a political candidate and someone asks you what you think about a child toucher, you should let them know you’re grossed out by making the hacking up sound a cat makes while heaving up a hairball on a rug. It’s really the only right answer.

And the good news for Rick Santorum is that since the Duggars won’t be following him around on the campaign trail like they did in 2012, he doesn’t have to use brain space on trying to remember all of their goddamn names.

Pic: Flickr

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John Mayer Might Be Helping Katy Perry Write A Revenge Song About Taylor Swift

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.

According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:

“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”

They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.

Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.

Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:

Pics: Wenn.com

The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.

Stephanie March Calls Out Bobby Flay’s Alleged Affair With January Jones In Court Papers

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

While looking for pictures to go with this story about Bobby Flay’s roaming ginger dick, I pulled up this picture just as I bit into a buttered English Muffin. My dog is now enjoying a half-eaten buttered English Muffin, because I long my appetite while picturing Paula Deen’s nooks and crannies fill with freshly churned pussy butter as she got an eyeful of Bobby’s pasty goods.

If there ever was a #getmoneybitch (copyright: the most influential philosopher of our time Khia) tournament of champions, Stephanie March would definitely be in the finals, because she’s been pulling out all the stops in her fight to get more alimony cash out of Bobby Flay. She’s brought their old racehorse into the fight and claimed that he’d be nothing without her palate. InTouch Weekly (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephanie is now bringing the adventures of Bobby Flay’s freckled salchicha into it.

Now For The Time Emilia Clarke Decided Never To Google Herself Ever Again

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.

“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”

Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.

Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.

“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”

Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.

Tom Hardy Isn’t Here For Your Dumb Questions About Mad Max: Fury Road

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent press conference for Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival, a movie critic for the Toronto Star named Peter Howell caused Tom Hardy to make the “WTF is shit shit?” face he’s making above by asking him a next-level dumb question about dudes. Peter Howell, who prefaced his question by stating that he grew up around a bunch of women-types so he knows what it’s like to be “outgunned by estrogen“, asked Tom if at any time during his reading of the script for Mad Max: Fury Road he wondered why there were so many women in a “man’s movie.

I hope Peter Howell wasn’t expecting a long-ass answer, because Tom Hardy replied to his question by grunting out a hard “NO” followed by the same look I give when someone tells me they think Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. It all happens around the 9:46 mark. Bonus reaction: Charlize Theron’s calm on the outside/(screaming internally) face.

Tom’s response was so cold, I’m surprised that bottle of water in front of him didn’t freeze and explode, but he could have been way ruder. Since when is Mad Max a “man’s movie“? Has Peter Howell never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? That movie has lots of shit for the ladies: still hot Mel Gibson, still hot Mel Gibson’s gorgeous hair, hot sweaty dudes, Tina Turner serving up on-point road warrior eleganza for your nerves. Now that I think of it, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome might be the perfect girl’s night movie. Hell, it even comes with the perfect song to have a drunk dramatic living room sing-off to! Although that’s not specific to ladies; I’m pretty sure everyone loves belting out “We Don’t Need Another Hero“.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

MicroMagic foods from the magical 1980s!

There’s not much info about MicroMagic foods on the internet. It doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Someone really needs to take that issue all the way up to the Supreme Court, because that’s just not right. MicroMagic was born sometime in 80s when microwaves were sort of affordable and food companies were showing us all the magical, wondrous things that the microwave can do. (We didn’t get a microwave until the late-ish 80s and when we did, it was like discovering the orgasm. When I opened up the box for the first time, the chorus to Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” played in my head.)

MicroMagic was the perfect quick food for latchkey kids and lazy bitches who didn’t want to drag their asses all the way to McDonald’s. There were MicroMagic hamburgers, fries, milkshakes and other fast food type shit. I only ate the MicroMagic fries, which apparently still exist in Japan, and since the memory bin in my brain has been fried beyond belief (probably from eating so much microwave food), I don’t remember what they tasted like. One blogger says that the burgers were sort of like cold lumps of grease (aka delicious!). I wish I could have the MicroMagic milkshake. I’m sure my mind would be blown like it’s never been blown before while watching a cup of ice cream melt in the microwave. Sorcery!

The internet tells me that MicroMagic went away in the 90s, but its commercials live on thanks to YouTube and the jingle for MicroMagic fries will live on in my head forever.

If MicroMagic still existed today, I’d probably have a freezer chest full of them in my living room. A freezer chest full of MicroMagic is a stoner’s heaven.

Pics: INSU

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