If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Katy Perry was a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race and chose Amazonian Clorox Goddess Brigitte Nielsen as her Snatch Game character, here’s Katy Perry on the cover of Wonderland (aka the magazine that makes famous types look nothing like themselves) looking just like that. Although if I were Ru (how dare I even, I know), this is the part where I’d be telling Katy to “sashay away” for failing to capture Brigitte’s struggling-to-stay-awake sleepy-eyed essence.
Katy recently posted 4 shots from this month’s issue to Instagram, and they all look – and I mean this in the best way possible – like the ’80s took a giant coked-up dump them. The first two shots are of Katy in that greasy blonde wig looking like Brigitte Nielsen auditioning for the part of Gozer the Gozerian in Ghostbusters, the third is of her in a red wig looking like Katherine Helmond-meets-Elvira Hancock-meets-quaaludes, and last is of Katy looking like Strawberry Shortcake’s snobby rich bitch cousin from Manhattan, Crystal Goblet. Actually, that’s a pretty hot name. I’d like to know more about this Crystal Goblet character I just made up. I bet she totally has a white poodle named Bark-arat and refers to everyone as “you there.”
Despite the fact that Mickey Rourke is one of the sexiest human beings in the universe (according to myself, Michael K, and all the other weirdos who get the damps for Mickey Rourke. PS – the club meets on the first Sunday of every month, bring cookies), Page Six says Mickey Rourke hates his current face and he’s trying to rebuild it. Someone get me the number of the White House; I’d like to report the desecration of a national treasure.
A “saddened friend” – that could be any of us, really – tells Page Six that 62-year-old Mickey is getting bone from his hip grafted into the roof of his mouth so that he can get new dental implants. He’s also using bone from one of his ribs to rebuild his nose. Another source claims he’s hooked on surgery, as if none of us with working eyes didn’t know that already:
“He wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what he sees.”
Those jealous beauty-hating mirrors; they’re clearly reflecting a busted image back at him because they can’t handle how much panty-dropping hotness comes at them every morning. Rude. All joking aside, Mickey really needs to be careful about where he’s yanking bones from. Dude is 62-years-old – the last part of his body he should be fucking around with is his hips!
If Mickey feels so bad about the current state of his face, there’s a very easy solution, and it doesn’t involve surgery. I volunteer to follow Mickey around and constantly remind him how good he looks. I promise I won’t try anything funny (honest, I’m saving myself for the ghost of Road House-era Patrick Swayze), and I won’t even ask for money. Whatever it takes for Mickey Rourke to confidently strut down the sidewalk in a pair of too-tight spandex pants once again, I’m in.
Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.
Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?
But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?
“Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?
If you’ve ever sat there watching The Avengers thinking “You know what? I’d really like to see Iron Man return to the sleepy midwestern mining town he grew up in to confront the long-standing resentment he has for his emotionally-distant dying father while a Bon Iver soundtrack quietly plays in the background“, don’t hold your breath. During an interview with EW’s SiriusXM radio show earlier this week, Robert Downey Jr. explained why a low-budget indie movie starring RDJ probably isn’t going to happen any time soon.
While some of us were passed out after a night of hard partying (read: boozing while watching old Flavor of Love season 1 episodes on Amazon), Duchess Kate was in the Auntie Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital delicately pushing as one of her ladies-in-waiting held smelling salts to Prince William’s nose, because it was only the second time he’s seen her vagina and it’s still too much for him. Before I passed out, THE PALACE announced that Duchess Kate’s royal water broke and she had gone into labor and I figured it was going to be a while. But DK popped the fourth heir to the throne out in just two hours. She was over it and the new princess couldn’t wait to come out and ruin Morrissey’s entire weekend. It feels like it happened so fast. I mean, if I didn’t spend 5 hours staring at that damn hospital door on the livestream, did the royal baby’s birth even happen?
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s daughter is the first Princess of Cambridge to be born in 180 years. As the world cheered for the little princess who gets to wear all those fancy clothes, Baby Prince George sat in a corner thinking to himself, “Uh, okay, but is she first born?”
“Her royal highness the Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a daughter at 8.34am. The baby weighs 8lbs 3oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
“The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news. Her royal highness and her child are both doing well.”
The unnamed princess is supposed to make her debut with her parents in front of the Lindo Wing sometime today. We need a real royal ESCANDALO! It’s been a while. So I hope that has a full head of sparkling ginger hair, a sly look on her face and when she opens up her mouth the first word out is, “Vodka.”
Hopefully, they’ll tell us today what the new baby princess’ name is, because that’s what everyone cares about right? Everyone is guessing either Diana (of course), Alice, Charlotte, Elizabeth and Victoria. I say no to all of those names. If Duchess Kate and Prince William don’t name her Princess Jodie Katie after two of England’s most refined, graceful and articulate ladies, they should be stripped of their titles and run out of the country!
Tony Appleton, London’s OFFICIAL (in my heart) town crier!
Hear Ye! Hear Ye! This is a Hot Slut right here. No birth of any royal baby would be complete without Tony Appleton hollering out the news while wearing an ultra fancy feather hat (that’s ALMOST more fancy than Tama the Station Cat’s feather hat) and a costume I wish I would’ve worn when I went to the ren faire that one time. Tony is the president of the Guild of International Millennium Town Criers and he announced Baby Prince George’s born announcement, so of course he wasn’t going to miss out on announcing the new princess’ birth. Tony told UsWeekly outside of the Lindo Wing that he wrote Duchess Kate and Prince William and asked if it was okay if he brought some old-timey thee-turr to the front of the hospital like he did with the birth of Baby Prince George.
“I wrote to William and Kate about six months and asked them if I could announce the baby and heard from them right away. The last time for George I just showed up but this time they were expecting me. They said they’d be honored if I came here. I’ve been doing this for 25 years.
I’m happy for George that he has a sister. I knew he was going to get a sister. A little princess, how wonderful! England needs a little princess, especially with all this election nonsense! Knock all these politicians out of the way. Some happy news is what this world needs.”
Of course they said yes. They’d not only be unpatriotic, but they’d be crazy if they turned him down. Who wouldn’t want an 80-year-old British man in an extra fancy ensemble announcing their baby’s birth. Shit, I wish he’d wake me up in the morning. Screw an alarm. I want a town crier to come into my bedroom and say, “Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Get the fuck up.”
Here’s Town Crier Tony in action this morning in London:
I have no idea what he said, but I’m all about that Faerie Tale Theater performance. The world definitely needs more town criers.
David Beckham (40)
Kay Panabaker (25)
Lily Allen (30)
Sarah Hughes (30)
Robert Buckley (34)
Ellie Kemper (35)
Jenna von Oy (38)
Pandora Boxx (43)
The Rock (43)
Mika Brzezinski (48)
Stephen Daldry (55)
Donatella Versace (60)
Christine Baranski (63)
David Suchet (69)
Bianca Jagger (70)
Engelbert Humperdinck (79)
Theodore Bikel (91)
Kit Harrington is sick of tricks asking him questions about his gorgeous hair! It makes him so mad that he wants to pull his gorgeous hair out, but he’s not going to do that, because if he did nobody would talk to him since the only reason they talk to him is to ask him questions about his gorgeous hair! ARGHHH! PROBLEMS! – Celebitchy
JLo did a Selena medley at The Billboard Latin Music Awards last night and I wished she would’ve Drag Race’d it by lip-synching the entire thing – Lainey Gossip
Kristen Wiig is giving you “trying to be brooding while suffering from a migraine” in Violet Grey – Egotastic!
Miley Cyrus is topless, petting a pussy and looking more Justin Bieber-ey in the face than ever – (NSFW) WWTDD
Hello, my name is Michael and I just spent at least a full minute looking for Kate Hudson’s camel toe - Drunken Stepfather
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH. – Reality Tea
Like two warthogs having a knife fight under a blanket… – The Superficial
Conchita Wurst sings out the perfect song for me to sing to myself at the Sizzler buffet when I’m overstuffed and need inspiration to keep on eating – Towleroad
You know, I never understood sex until Bill Nye explained it to me – Jezebel
I’m about as musical as a pile of cornstarch, but if I ever start a band I’m going to call it Skinny Super Model Booty Show – Hollywood Tuna
Emily Ratatouille’s top is a thing of elegance – Popoholic
Either Jaden Smith is too stoned while writing his tweets or I’m not stoned enough while reading them – Pajiba
Oh, Russia…. - OMG Blog
Where’s the petition I need to sign to get Mount Rushmore to look like this? – The Berry
In “You Don’t Fucking Say” news, Sofia Vergara is pissed about Nick Loeb’s New York Times’ op-ed piece – ICYDK
“Did you cut one?” is definitely what Calvin Harris is thinking while driving with Tay Tay Swift – Popsugar
Rest in peace, Ben E King - Just Jared
In case you were wondering what the hillbilly chipmunk did for attention today, here’s your answer whether you like it or not.
Seen above looking like an extra stoned Macauley Culkin in drag as a 90s era Ani Di Franco at a candy rave, Miley Cyrus took a quick break from turning her body into a living museum for tragic tattoos and spent a piece of her Friday slathering pink dye all over her armpit hair and crotch bush. I barely see any pit hair. That shit looks like a rug burn or a rash. She should’ve added some pink pit weave pieces to really make it luscious.
I’m much more old-fashioned and a little more retro than Miley. I prefer to braid my pit hair and decorate it with gold micro beads. And I prefer to part my pubes in the middle like it’s the hair on the head of an old-timey gentleman.
Miley posted a picture of the finished look on Instagram and I put the full picture after the cut, because I have no idea if a peek of pink pussy hair is NSFW or not.