The extra long Holly Hobbie doll who should be charged with grand theft for stealing Annette Funicello’s wardrobe has truly mastered the art of the pap stroll. Taylor Swift always makes sure that the paps get a clear shot of her fancy purse (which she probably got free), her Beach Blanket Ass Bingo outfit (which again, she probably got for free), her designer heels (again, for free) and her hand in her pieces’ hand. I see that someone has been taking night classes at Phoebe Price’s School Of How To Make The Most Out Of A Pap Strut. My only critique is that Tay Tay really should’ve touched her stomach at one point, because that would’ve given tabloid editors the perfect picture to use for their inevitable “Tay Tay’s Having A Bay Bay” cover.
Pap Stroll Barbie and Opportunist Ken went to eat things at a restaurant in NYC last night. They’ve been dating for a couple of months or so and Calvin Harris is well on his way to getting into the Guinness Book of World Records for being her longest-lasting piece. A source type tells Life & Style that Taylor and Calvin are moving really, really fast and that marriage talk isn’t that far away. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’re already talking weddings, because I bet Taylor serves her man a heart-shaped pancake with the words “I Wuv You” written on top in strawberry maple syrup the morning after their first sleepover. The source also says that Taylor’s friends are concerned or something, because they think that Calvin has some skanky skeletons in his closet and is pretending to be the perfect boyfriend.
“Calvin’s putting on a front now. He used to date a bunch of club girls who were nothing like Taylor. If they ever came forward, it would hurt Taylor’s brand. They are getting very serious, very fast. Taylor has already introduced Calvin to her parents.”
So, Calvin Harris doing some “club girls” is going to hurt Taylor’s brand? Taylor has been on humanized chlamydia strain John Mayer. If her “brand” can survive John Mayer, it can survive ANYTHING.
Here’s Taylor throwing a smug “Yes, bitch, I’m about to get that dick” look at the cameras last night. And yes, by “dick” I mean “spotted dick,” which Taylor and Calvin made before watching a Last of the Summer Wine marathon while snuggling under a handmade Union Jack throw. It was British night at Tay Tay’s place!
I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?
Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.
The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.
By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’ “Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.
I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:
“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”
That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?”
Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.”
Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:
I’ve posted about Ride or Die bitches before, but here’s a Jump or Die bitch who is so hooked on his human’s love that he soared to new heights (Warning: That may or may not be the last stupid pun I make in this post. You’ve been warned.) to be with him. Meet Paddy, a 4-year-old devoted dog friend, and Thomas McCormack, the human he can’t be without. Thomas from Croy, North Lanarkshire in Scotland tells The Guardian that a quick second after he sat down on the train to begin his commute to work, Paddy strolled on in and took the seat next to him. Thomas was shocked. I would’ve been shocked and exploding with happiness at the same time. First comes my dog learning how to commute to work, next comes my dog learning how to do actual work. Once he figures that out, he can earn our kibble and I can spend the day sleeping and licking my own ass. (“Um, you already do that. It’s called ‘the crap you post on Dlisted.'” – you)
Thomas’ yard is fenced in, so he couldn’t figure out how Paddy got out. Thomas’ neighbors later told him that they watched Paddy use the trampoline to get over the fence. Paddy and Thomas reenacted the thrilling scene in the video below. Yes, it’s perfectly natural to sing the chorus from “Jump” while watching this:
I was going to point at Paddy and laugh while saying, “HA! HA! Look at the pussy whipped human’s boy,” but I am not the one to talk. In the 6th grade, I went on a camping trip with my class for a week. About a day into the trip, I started missing my mommy in a serious way and pretended to be sick hoping that my teacher would call my mom to tell her to pick me up. I know, I was way too old for that shit. They told me to take a nap and said they would call my mom if I didn’t feel better. I made a miraculous recovery about an hour later when I learned that we were having fried chicken, tater tots and cherry pie for dinner that night. So I cannot judge Paddy. And yes, I still pull that “I got the sicks so please call my mommy” trick today and yes, I pulled it at a party last week.
(For Brett and Jana S.)
Andre 3000 (40)
Chris Colfer (25)
Darin Brooks (31)
Ben Feldman (35)
Jamie Oliver (40)
Denise Van Outen (41)
Jack McBrayer (42)
Paul Bettany (44)
Joseph Fiennes (45)
Todd Bridges (50)
Adam Carolla (51)
Peri Gilpin (54)
Siouxsie Sioux (58)
Cynthia McFadden (59)
Richard Schiff (60)
Louis Gossett Jr. (79)
Lee Meriwether (80)
Sumner Redstone (92)
Christopher Lee (93)
Pic: The Face
Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend Alicia Cargile got into some PDA action while leaving lunch yesterday. At least, I think they’re getting into some PDA stuff. But they look kind of awkward, so Alicia could be doing the sideways Heimlich Maneuver on KStew for all we know – Celebitchy
Phil Collins’ daughter and Captain America are probably not doing it anymore – Lainey Gossip
Kim Richards was a drunken mess in Mexico and luckily for her, no policía officers were kicked this time around – Reality Tea
Michelle Rodriguez is in a two piece…. – Egotastic!
So is Bella Thorne… – The Superficial
And Jessica Alba…. – Popoholic
And Lena Dunham…. – WWTDD
Sadly, Zac Efron isn’t in a two piece – Just Jared
Amy Schumer completed an impossible task. She went on The Bachelorette and didn’t have to get sixty five layers of plastered to get through it – Jezebel
When I think of “finger art,” this is not what I think of, but still, BRAVO! – Hollywood Tuna
Kim Kartrashian looking like the toilet baby of Courtney Stodden and an alien Real Doll on Vogue Brazil – Drunken Stepfather
Luna Lovegood busts out the eradicus spell on the anti-gay Facebook trolls – Towleroad
Everybody working on The Voice hates Xtina and wants her pink-slipped, so says Radar – ICYDK
Edna Mode looks a mess! – Moe Jackson
Rumer Willis dressed in current day Demi Moore cosplay – SOW
The trailer for the Point Break remake that nobody asked for is here – Pajiba
Taylor Swift is letting you know that the life of a millionaire pop star is easy, in case you didn’t know that – HuffPo
Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest is still hungover from Memorial Day. It’ll be back tomorrow.
So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.
The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…
“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”
Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.
Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.
You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:
1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.
2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.
That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.
The Daily Mail has pictures of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard arriving at the Gold Coast Airport where they apparently got on a private jet headed far, far from Australia. Johnny left the day government officials declared in a senate meeting that he could be thrown in jail for 10 years and have to pay a fine up to $340,000 for illegally smuggling in his Yorkies, Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard. HA. I wonder how Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard feel about being at the center of an international incident? They obviously don’t have time to care because they’re too busy taking 300 naps and licking their own assholes.
The Sydney Morning Herald says that Australia really wants to get down to the bottom of how Johnny got Boo and Pistol into the country without officials finding out until a groomer posted a picture of one of them on Facebook. Apparently, a customs official checked the private jet before Johnny, the crew and the rest of the passengers got off. So they’re wondering how he got them in. Did he hide them under his hat?! Probably not, because they would’ve been eaten alive by lice after a few minutes. Did he hide them in his ass? (Cut to Richard Gere making an “I am impressed” face.) How did he do it?!
Even though Boo and Pistol are back in the US, the investigation is still ongoing. The Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce and officials are taking this HIGHLY IMPORTANT matter very seriously. The pilot of the private jet could also face up to 2 years in the clink.
The Daily Mail says that Johnny went to the US for his daughter’s 16th birthday party. He is expected back in Australia where he’ll continue to shoot that Pirates of the Caribbean shit.
Johnny Depp won’t get 10 seconds in jail, let alone 10 years. But if he does get sentenced to a decade in the chokey for smuggling in some Yorkies named Boo and Pistol, the ground of the earth will be covered in tonsils, because we’ll all laugh them out. Australia is not screwing around and if they really want to get Johnny where it truly hurts, they should punish him by banning him from wearing scarves whenever he’s in their country. To Johnny Depp, that is a punishment worse than death.
You may have already seen on CNN that Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Brit Brit Spears and Jennifer Lopez have all canceled their Las Vegas residencies and have decided to do residencies in Laughlin, NV instead. Now you know the reason why. They know that if they stay in Vegas, they will be playing to an audience of tumbleweeds and crickets, because everybody will be taking in the glamour, grace and talents of Suzanne Somers!
Suzanne Somers started her residency at the Westgate in Las Vegas on Saturday and her Co-Queen of Palm Springs Barry Manilow came out to be her opening night good luck charm. The camera that was used to take these pictures must be seriously heatproof, because I can’t believe that it didn’t melt from being so close to these bronzer-covered pillars of pure heat. I mean “pillars of pure heat” both figuratively and literally, because I can feel the 500 degree rays shooting off of Suzanne’s body. I wish I had some platanos. I could fry them up real good by laying them on that picture.
And here’s more of Suzanne and Barry proving that beautiful things happen when you hand your plastic surgeon a picture of a Muppet and say, “Give me the Fry Daddy-fied version of that.”
This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.
In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”
Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.
It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.
I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!