Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1′s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.
That’s the look of a woman who just realized she’s being followed up the red carpet by Paris Hilton. A real calm-in-the-eyes yet screaming internally look. So Mélanie Laurent, who you may remember as either the French girl from Inglourious Basterds or the French girl who got caught rubbing up against Ewan McGregor’s married ass a couple years ago, recently spit some hot truth to Vanity Fair about the Cannes Film Festival. Apparently Mélanie isn’t here for the endless parade of fame whores, reality TV people, and whatever you’d call what Rita Ora is.
“I think we are going a bit too crazy. I remember 15 years ago, it was more charming. Less crazy. Less almost vulgar. More respectful.”
She then added “But I feel the same way for any other subject in the world.” Somewhere in the west wing of Castle Goopskull, the leader of the So Over-It Snob Squad just pulled out her solid-gold iPhone 9 and started composing an email to Mélanie that read “You sound great! Call me sometime? xo Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Normally I’d be down with such top-shelf shade, but I can’t help but feel bad for all those thirsty fame humpers who are working their asses off this week in Cannes. Every day, they are rolling off the deck of some rich dude’s yacht at the crack of noon so they can make it back to their hotel room (which they are no doubt sleeping three to a bed) to splash some water on their face, pick the dried up brie chunks out of their weave, apply 8-layers of makeup on top of the old, and make it downstairs in time for the 3 o’clock pap walk on the Promenade de la Croisette. Have some respect, Mélanie; being vulgar is hard work!
Speaking of, here are two of my favorites struttin’ for the paps earlier today. Why are Kelly Brook and former Hot Slut Hofit Golan at the Cannes Film Festival? Who cares!
I hope there’s a chapter on whether or not they got into some kinky When Harry Met Sally role playing after that picture was taken (just me? Okay then). According to the NY Daily News, Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak – aka Kelly and Ryan from The Office – have been given $7.5 million to write a book about their on-again off-again relationship. Mindy and B.J. dated during The Office and remained really close after they broke up. Currently, nobody knows what those two are (boyfriend/girlfriend? Life partners? Casual hump bumpers?), including Mindy. But they’re pretty much friends who used to fuck and now they’re getting paid a fuckload of money to write a book about that.
So far, nothing else is really known about their book, but it will probably be essays and stories. But who knows? Maybe they’ll throw in a sexy Sudoku puzzle (the only numbers are 6 and 9) or a Mad Magazine-style fold-in? Dear Mindy and B.J. – DO THAT. The NYDN has been told they’ll probably announce the title of their book at BookCon next week.
I know that writing a book with your ex might sound like a nightmare, but if it came with $7.5 million? Hell yes I would! And not one of the decent ones that I’m still on good terms with either; for $7.5 million, I’d take my most lying-ist cheating-ist small-dicked did-me-all-kinds-of-dirty halitosis-breath-having ex. For $7.5 million, I’d get the name of the book tattooed on my tits and do a cross-country book tour in a van. In a van! You know I’m serious about money if I’m willing to get butt sores and crotch cramps. Then again, I’d probably do it for $250,000 worth of Olive Garden gift cards, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask.
UPDATE: TLC pulled 19 Kids and Counting from their schedule, but they haven’t officially canceled it yet.
As Josh Duggar shat up a statement where he admitted to molesting several underage girls when he was a teenager (and later prayed the pedo away), TLC really went for it by airing a marathon of 19 Paychecks and Counting. Obviously, the marathon was scheduled to air long before the world learned that Josh Duggar is even more disgusting than we all thought. But after Josh admitted it, you’d think that maybe, just maybe, someone at TLC would hit the abort button on that marathon and replace it with episodes of I’m A 600-lb Gypsy Bride And I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant With A Little Amish Medium. (That may or may not be a real show on TLC, but I’m pretty sure it’s real.)
TLC hasn’t said anything yet about what they’re going to do with 19 Kids and that’s making the butter in No Mama June’s veins boil. TLC dropped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the dumpster right after a picture came out of No Mama June hanging out with the convicted pedo who allegedly abused her own daughter Chickadee. Seen above hugging on a horse’s ass (“You’ll have to be more specific, because I see two horses asses there. Horse ass-to-horse ass!” – you), June the Hutt tells TMZ that she will hit TLC with a lawsuit if they don’t put 19 Kids And Counting in the trash. June moaned about how the cancellation of her show cost her hundreds of thousands of dollars and she wants that monies if TLC keeps the Duggars on the air.
“I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.
During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!
“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”
To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.
But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.”
Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.
The only thing Bobby Flay may be throwing down for awhile. – TonicB
Quarter Pounder with G’s. – FluffKitteh
Mooscles, the pumped up mascot of Applegate Farms.
Up until reader Bert dropped this into my inbox a few days ago, I didn’t know that Applegate Farms (aka the makers of that fancy organic bacon you splurge on when you want to feel like you’re living like Beyonce) had commercials and I really didn’t know that they had a mascot. But for a while now, they’ve been squirting out commercials starring their mascot Mooscles, the muscle piece in a cow suit that squeezed out of a bodybuilding bull’s asshole months after that cattle was implanted with an HGH capsule that was fertilized with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nipple discharge.
In each commercial, Mooscles’ Dolph Lundgren-in-a-cow-suit-looking ass tries to convince a shopper to try his meat (which is full of hormones and stuff) and the shopper tells him that she wants all-natural meat. The commercials really make no sense to me. I mean, that buff piece in a cow suit is basically saying to them “Do you want to go out back and bone?” and each shopper is like, “Naw, it’s okay, I want to buy this package of hot dogs instead.” The HELL? Who would rather buy a package of hot dogs than have a quickie in a supermarket back alley with Kellan Lutz’s daddy in a cow suit?
Of course, some pearl clutchers were highly offended by this commercial. I found this comment from a highly offended person named Barbara on Applegate’s website:
Would just like to tell you that your commercial with the body builder in a dog costume is a crude commercial. I hope that is not the quality of your products!
Shush, nobody tell Barbara that’s not a dog costume he’s wearing. It makes me happy knowing that somewhere in the world is a person trying to play fetch with a cow.
And I hope Applegate Farms starts selling cheese-filled hot dogs soon, because I need to see that commercial.
Naomi Campbell (45)
Apolo Ohno (33)
Daniel Bryan (34)
Nazanin Boniadi (35)
Maggie Q (36)
Ginnifer Goodwin (37)
Katie Price (37)
Sean Gunn (41)
A.J. Langer (41)
Alison Eastwood (43)
Annabel Chong (43)
Brooke Smith (48)
Johnny Gill (49)
Bernie Taupin (65)
Bernard Shaw (75)
Pic: V Magazine
There’s a rumor that Johnny Depp dramatically stormed off of the Australian set of Pirates of the Caribbean 435: This Shit Again and is threatening to come back to the US to be with Amber Heard. A rep has already denied it. The thing is, I don’t think it’s possible for Johnny Depp to dramatically storm off of a set. In order to dramatically storm off of a set, you must dramatically toss your scarf over your shoulder, arch your back and sashay off in a huff. Since Johnny was probably wearing at least 85 scarves, it would take him a good 2 hours to finish throwing each scarf over his shoulder. The crew would’ve left the set before he was done, because they don’t have time for that shit - Lainey Gossip
Jane Fonda is slathering the camera with pure sex in W Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Princess Beatrice is living the life – Celebitchy
It’s a good thing for us that Jax Taylor’s recent nose job didn’t stop him from throwing some Blue Steel at us – Reality Tea
The raw emotion: Vin Diesel is once again bringing it while serenading Paul Walker - The Superficial
Don’t we all just want to get naked when an airline tells us our flight is overbooked? – Jezebel
The Elton John biopic starring Tom Hardy will be turned into a Broadway musical. If it’s an all-nude production also starring Tom Hardy, they can take my money now – Towleroad
Victoria Justice wears the first communion version of The Slut Dress™ – Egotastic!
Casey Wilson had a baby – ICYDK
Ashley Greene’s hair is really giving me a craving for an overcooked sourdough loaf – Popoholic
Someone sold a thong they said Emily Ratajkowski wore once – IDLYITW
They really will let anybody in high heels on the Cannes red carpet. Case in point: Kendall Jenner – Hollywood Tuna
The Hannibal season 3 trailer is here - Pajiba
You too can live like Regina George for only $15 million - OMG Blog
Laura Jeanne Poon is playing a live-action Tinker Bell and I can’t wait for the scene where she gets tanked and tells the cops, “I AM A NEVERLAND CITIZEN ON NEVERLAND SOIL!” – Just Jared
Leonardo DiCatchAHo is in Cannes doing what Leonardo DiCatchAHo does – Popsugar
A quick minute after InTouch Weekly coughed up the receipts proving that Josh Duggar was briefly investigated for molesting 5 young girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager, he has released a statement to People confirming that it’s true. He also resigned as spokeswhore of the Family Research Council. In the statement, Josh shits up a heave-worthy dingle about how he realized that if he kept going down Child Touching Way, he’d ruin his life. Oh, poor Josh. Let’s only think about his life, because it’s not like he ruined the lives of the girls.
“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”
I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions,” says Josh. “I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”
FYI: Michelle Duggar admitted in the police report that Josh never got actual counseling. They just sent him to live with a friend who owns a home renovation business. So yeah, sanding a deck and painting an accent wall in a living room really changed him.
TMZ also says that a judge today ordered for the police report to be destroyed after one of the victims told the court that she doesn’t want her name getting out there. InTouch Weekly got a hold of a redacted copy and she’s afraid that the unredacted copy will get out there. The judge agreed with her.
Josh’s pregnant wife Anna, his dad Jim Bob and his mom Michelle (who once compared transgender people to child touchers in a robocall) also released statements to People. Anna just said that Josh told her a while ago, she’s standing by him and she knows that the counseling he got (which he didn’t get) changed him. Jim Bob and Michelle basically said that they also support Josh and God got them through it. If you combine all their statements together, they say God’s name at least a million times. They say it so much that I’m sure God is thinking, “Leave me out of this shit already!”
And if you really need a reason to bang your head against a table over and over again, read some of the comments at the 19 Kids and Counting Facebook page. I think I bruised my pituitary gland and I didn’t even know I had one of those!