Archives: May 2015

The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.

Stephanie March Calls Out Bobby Flay’s Alleged Affair With January Jones In Court Papers

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

While looking for pictures to go with this story about Bobby Flay’s roaming ginger dick, I pulled up this picture just as I bit into a buttered English Muffin. My dog is now enjoying a half-eaten buttered English Muffin, because I long my appetite while picturing Paula Deen’s nooks and crannies fill with freshly churned pussy butter as she got an eyeful of Bobby’s pasty goods.

If there ever was a #getmoneybitch (copyright: the most influential philosopher of our time Khia) tournament of champions, Stephanie March would definitely be in the finals, because she’s been pulling out all the stops in her fight to get more alimony cash out of Bobby Flay. She’s brought their old racehorse into the fight and claimed that he’d be nothing without her palate. InTouch Weekly (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephanie is now bringing the adventures of Bobby Flay’s freckled salchicha into it.

Now For The Time Emilia Clarke Decided Never To Google Herself Ever Again

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.

“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”

Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.

Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.

“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”

Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.

Tom Hardy Isn’t Here For Your Dumb Questions About Mad Max: Fury Road

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent press conference for Mad Max: Fury Road at the Cannes Film Festival, a movie critic for the Toronto Star named Peter Howell caused Tom Hardy to make the “WTF is shit shit?” face he’s making above by asking him a next-level dumb question about dudes. Peter Howell, who prefaced his question by stating that he grew up around a bunch of women-types so he knows what it’s like to be “outgunned by estrogen“, asked Tom if at any time during his reading of the script for Mad Max: Fury Road he wondered why there were so many women in a “man’s movie.

I hope Peter Howell wasn’t expecting a long-ass answer, because Tom Hardy replied to his question by grunting out a hard “NO” followed by the same look I give when someone tells me they think Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. It all happens around the 9:46 mark. Bonus reaction: Charlize Theron’s calm on the outside/(screaming internally) face.

Tom’s response was so cold, I’m surprised that bottle of water in front of him didn’t freeze and explode, but he could have been way ruder. Since when is Mad Max a “man’s movie“? Has Peter Howell never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome? That movie has lots of shit for the ladies: still hot Mel Gibson, still hot Mel Gibson’s gorgeous hair, hot sweaty dudes, Tina Turner serving up on-point road warrior eleganza for your nerves. Now that I think of it, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome might be the perfect girl’s night movie. Hell, it even comes with the perfect song to have a drunk dramatic living room sing-off to! Although that’s not specific to ladies; I’m pretty sure everyone loves belting out “We Don’t Need Another Hero“.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

MicroMagic foods from the magical 1980s!

There’s not much info about MicroMagic foods on the internet. It doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Someone really needs to take that issue all the way up to the Supreme Court, because that’s just not right. MicroMagic was born sometime in 80s when microwaves were sort of affordable and food companies were showing us all the magical, wondrous things that the microwave can do. (We didn’t get a microwave until the late-ish 80s and when we did, it was like discovering the orgasm. When I opened up the box for the first time, the chorus to Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” played in my head.)

MicroMagic was the perfect quick food for latchkey kids and lazy bitches who didn’t want to drag their asses all the way to McDonald’s. There were MicroMagic hamburgers, fries, milkshakes and other fast food type shit. I only ate the MicroMagic fries, which apparently still exist in Japan, and since the memory bin in my brain has been fried beyond belief (probably from eating so much microwave food), I don’t remember what they tasted like. One blogger says that the burgers were sort of like cold lumps of grease (aka delicious!). I wish I could have the MicroMagic milkshake. I’m sure my mind would be blown like it’s never been blown before while watching a cup of ice cream melt in the microwave. Sorcery!

The internet tells me that MicroMagic went away in the 90s, but its commercials live on thanks to YouTube and the jingle for MicroMagic fries will live on in my head forever.

If MicroMagic still existed today, I’d probably have a freezer chest full of them in my living room. A freezer chest full of MicroMagic is a stoner’s heaven.

Pics: INSU

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Birthday Sluts

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Kylie Minogue (47)
Joseph Cross (29)
Carey Mulligan (30)
Colbie Caillat (30)
Alexa Davalos (33)
Aaron Schock (34)
Jesse Bradford (36)
Jake Johnson (37)
Elisabeth Hassleback (38)
Rob Ford (46)
Justin Kirk (46)
Glen Rice (48)
Christa Miller (51)
James Michael Tyler (53)
Michelle Collins (53)
Patch Adams (70)
John Fogerty (70)
Rudy Giuliani (71)
Gladys Knight (71)
Sondra Locke (71)
Carroll Baker (84)

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Night Crumbs

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Tom Cruise on the Georgia set of his new movie and I don’t know if that’s an E-meter can in his pocket or he’s just happy to Xenu. (I don’t know what that means either!) – Lainey Gossip

If the Bill Cosby rape allegations ever make it to a courtroom, I’m sure his attorney will make the same points Amy Schumer makes in this sketch – The Superficial

Teen Mom Jenelle is as calm and genteel as ever – Reality Tea

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly almost serves up nipple and chocha in Lui magazine – Drunken Stepfather

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are going to throw their marriage in a coffin before their 10th anniversary, but probably not – Celebitchy

Grace and Frankie, which I have yet to binge watch, got renewed for a second season. If Dolly Parton isn’t a guest star next season, their renewal would have been for nothing! – Towleroad

Katherine McPhee’s eyebrow situation is looking a little wonky in her new music video – Egotastic!

Another day, another set of pictures of Vanessa Hudgens wearing an outfit from the Haus of WTF – Popoholic

I threw up a Duggar post today and that calls for a video of baby goats in tiny sweaters – The Berry 

Keeley Hazell (Remember her? Probably not.) still exists and is doing some kind of Baywatch-themed photo shoot – Hollywood Tuna 

Jenny Lewis FINALLY does the Cookie Time dance in a music video. However, I am side-eyeing her for letting Zosia Mamet play Dorothy. That’s ILLEGAL and Jenny Lewis should probably be arrested for it – Jezebel

Madge is worth a little over a billion dollars. I wonder how much of that goes to the Illuminati? Does she have to give a regular tithing on top of the virgin sacrifice? – OMG Blog

Tatum O’Neal is doing ladies now – ICYDK

Sam Shepard got another DUI – HuffPo

Tilda Swinton is an ancient being who has been here since the beginning of time, so this casting makes sense – Pajiba

So much for the rumors that Cameron Diaz is done with rubbing on Benji Madden’s tattooed FUPA – Popsugar

Okay, but when are we going to find out that the Kartrashian Kar Krash was shot using a stunt driver in front of a green screen on a soundstage in Burbank? – Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Tracy Morgan Has Settled With Walmart Over Fatal Limo Bus Crash

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been nearly a year since the New Jersey Turnpike crash that killed comedian James McNair and left Tracy Morgan in a bad way with a broken leg, broken ribs and a brain injury. Tracy hasn’t worked since and he wasn’t well enough to do Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special back in February. Since the crash, Tracy’s lawyers and Walmart have been fighting it out. Tracy’s lawyers pointed out that the driver of the Walmart truck admitted to police that he hadn’t slept in 24 hours before the multi-car crash. Walmart’s lawyers tried to blame Tracy for his injuries by saying that he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Well, they’re not going to take their shank fight to a courtroom, because E! News reports that they have settled.

James McNair’s family got $10 million when they settled with Walmart in March. We won’t ever know how much money Tracy got from Walmart, because he signed a confidentiality agreement. He released this statement today and it’s best if you read it in Tracy Jordan’s voice.

“Walmart did right by me and my family, and for my associates and their families. I am grateful that the case was resolved amicably.”

My guess is that Walmart “did right” by him by giving enough money to buy several Benihana franchises and fund a real Who Dat Ninja? movie. And I bet that in a few months, Walmart will be hitting Tracy up for some child support, because I’m sure that during a break in settlement negotiations, he took their ugly orange sunburst logo behind a middle school and got it pregnant.

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The Porn Iguana And Her Mom Are Done Professionally

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.

If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.

If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.

“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.

I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”

But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?

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