Archives: May 2015

The Hocus Pocus Reboot Is Already Looking Like A Mess

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.

We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.

Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:

Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball

This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:

madonnarebelheartmetgala2015

Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.

Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.

Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Here’s JLo Serving Up Some Sexy Bedazzled Period Dragon Realness

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.

I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.

Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).

Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Two Hot Ageless Vampires Went To The Met Gala Last Night

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.

Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.

Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.

MET Gala 2015 'China: Through The Looking Glass' - Arrivals

Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

It is Cinco de Mayo, so today’s HSOTD should really be the hungry-ass Arcoiris mascot or the legendary 90s novella Carrusel. But I really need to pay homage to the best Met Gala dress and the only one that really did things to me. (Yes, I’m so hard-up that a soft, pink dick illustration on a damn dress does things to me.)

Just like 90% of the tricks there, FKA Twigs pretty much said, “fuck it,” to the theme. If you’re going to say, “fuck it,” to the theme, then you should at least say “hello” to wearing dick on your dress. Dick makes everything better. FKA Twigs’ stunning cockture gown was made by Christopher Kane and if Christopher Kane made a $20 sweatpants version of that dress, I’d buy several pairs and wear it every day. Peen is timeless and truly goes with everything. Although, FKA Twigs’ promised piece Robert Pattinson doesn’t look amused. I see him making a “Don’t ask to see my pink dick too” face.

I usually can’t with FKA Twigs’ red carpet pose game, because she opens her mouth a little and it makes her look like the Trix Rabbit caught in the headlights. But I didn’t really even notice her stunned bunny face, because all of my attention went to that peen on her thigh. Selfies were supposedly banned at the Met Gala and nobody really followed that rule. I wouldn’t have either. I’d ask FKA Twigs if I could take a selfie with her and if she said yes, I’d drop to my knees, press my cheek against the pank peen on her thigh and say, “Dick cheese!

Pics: Wenn.com

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Birthday Sluts

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill (32)
Hannah Davis (25)
Chris Brown (26)
Adele (27)
Skye Sweetnam (27)
Brooke Hogan (27)
Clark Duke (30)
Vanessa Bryant (33)
Danielle Fishel (34)
Craig David (34)
Hank Green (35)
Vincent Kartheiser (36)
Tina Yothers (42)
Kyan Douglas (45)
Kurt Sutter (51)
Brian Williams (56)
Richard E. Grant (58)
Kurt Loder (70)
John Rhys-Davies (71)
Roger Rees (71)
Lance Henriksen (75)
Michael Murphy (77)
Pat Carroll (88)

Note: And to those of you wondering, yes, I accidentally published today’s Birthday Sluts yesterday. If you’re a scientist and currently doing studies on whether or not massive amounts of weed smoke, cheap wine and hours of reality TV eats at your brain, you can stop your study now. You’ve got your answer.

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Basement Baby Came Prepared This Time

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went allFINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.

To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.

Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”

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As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com (Thanks @elmatthewcas)

And Suddenly, I Have A Real Craving For Cheesy Scrambled Eggs

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

“THIS BITCH!” said the coat check person when RiRi threw this 500-pound “Boboli slathered in nacho cheese” coat at them.

RiRi rolled up to the Met Gala Meth Gala tonight in a U-Haul, because it was the only rented vehicle in the NYC area that was big enough to hold the heavy ass cheese pizza she called a coat. Apparently, they had to shut down the red carpet when RiRi came through, because her “bigger than the sun” coat would have knocked a few bitches out as she strolled on up.

The thing about RiRi’s coat is that it can be many things. If I was there and stoned (which I’d have to be if I was there), I would’ve nibbled on that coat, because it looks like a pupusa covered in cheese. If Kim Kuntrashian was on the carpet at the same as RiRi, she would’ve rolled all up in that coat, because it looks like a giant puddle of piss. It’s like the aftermath of the golden shower of all golden showers. That’s some full bladder shit. If Vanessa Paradis was there, she’d stare at it lovingly, because she’d remember all the times she jacked Johnny Depp off and ended up with a giant glob of dick cheese on her hand.

No, I don’t like that RiRi stole Coco Peru’s wig. But I do appreciate the fact that her eyebrows are shaped like baseballs bats and her coat thing kind of looks like a condom.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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I REBUKE THEE! I REBUKEE THEE!

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

About six seconds after the red carpet for the Met Gala MESS Gala opened up, Sarah Jessica Parker galloped on through looking like a cultural appropriation demon, because she wanted to let everyone know to prepare to be uh-fucking-fended.

If you’re looking at that wreck and thinking to yourself, “Is the theme ‘Flames, Flames, FLAMES, On The Side Of My Face,” you’re wrong. I wish you were right, but you’re wrong. The theme is China: Through The Looking Glass. Bitch got the “China” part right and she got the “Through The Looking Glass” part right too, because she definitely looked right through the looking glass instead of at it.

I first saw SJP’s terrifying Heat Miser as a Final Fantasy villain headdress thing in a video on Vogue’s Twitter and I’m not going to embed it here, because I care about you too much (“Says the evil whore who is always posting about the Kuntrashians” – you) and it’s the reason why I will sleep with a crucifix in my hands tonight. That video is like a scene from Dragon Ball Z: The Horror Movie.

SJP looks like the movie Big Trouble In Little China got creampied in the ass by an Oriental Trading Company catalog before wet farting on her.

You know, this is a mess, but at least SJP tried. 90% of the hos I’ve seen so far look like they said “fuck you” to the theme and got their outfits from Rent-A-Prom-Dress.com

Pics: Getty

Night Crumbs

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

This is Justin Timberlake looking like Princess Fiona’s right tit in a promo video for Sauza 901 tequila. Why in Fruit Gushers from HELL did JT do this?! I know, a check is a check, but at what cost?! With that being said, if he goes to the Met Gala tonight and wears this look, he’ll be my best dressed – Jezebel

Jennifer Lawrence, who looks like she just smoked peyote for 12 hours in a badly ventilated teepee, is friends with Lorde, because every young famous white chick is friends with each other.  - Lainey Gossip

But the question is, how can anyone leave the Mormon hotness that is Kody Brown?! - Reality Tea 

Mark Ruffalo is really sorry he chanted “gypsy” over and over again during the extra messy promo tour for the Offenders, I mean, the AvengersCelebitchy

Cara Delawhatever’s ass crack got banned in the UK – Drunken Stepfather

May the Fourth be with Maitland Ward who looks like she’s starring in a low-budget, extra messy porn parody called Star WhoresEgotastic! 

One of Bill Cosby’s newest accusers has pressed charges against him – The Superficial 

Jessica Biel is making sure that Justin Timberlake doesn’t fuck the nanny – Towleroad

Taylor Swift looks hot and I’m only saying that because her eyebrow situation is looking a little chola-esque – Popoholic

That looks more like the Baltimore Penguin, but okay – WWTDD

Uncut Swedish peen alert! Uncut Swedish peen alert! – (NSFW) OMG Blog

If Lori Petty’s Point Break character went on a meth binge… – Hollywood Tuna 

Clay Aiken is looking sexy! – SOW

The Black Widow rom-com looks better than most rom-coms and the latest Avengers movie – The Berry 

Brooklyn Decker has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! – IDLYITW

Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of the Rillest teamed up for an eardrum-murdering song that sounds like Siri screaming while in a garbage disposal – Just Jared

Amy Adams got married – Popsugar

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