Archives: May 2015

Night Crumbs

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Tom Cruise on the Georgia set of his new movie and I don’t know if that’s an E-meter can in his pocket or he’s just happy to Xenu. (I don’t know what that means either!) – Lainey Gossip

If the Bill Cosby rape allegations ever make it to a courtroom, I’m sure his attorney will make the same points Amy Schumer makes in this sketch – The Superficial

Teen Mom Jenelle is as calm and genteel as ever – Reality Tea

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly almost serves up nipple and chocha in Lui magazine – Drunken Stepfather

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are going to throw their marriage in a coffin before their 10th anniversary, but probably not – Celebitchy

Grace and Frankie, which I have yet to binge watch, got renewed for a second season. If Dolly Parton isn’t a guest star next season, their renewal would have been for nothing! – Towleroad

Katherine McPhee’s eyebrow situation is looking a little wonky in her new music video – Egotastic!

Another day, another set of pictures of Vanessa Hudgens wearing an outfit from the Haus of WTF – Popoholic

I threw up a Duggar post today and that calls for a video of baby goats in tiny sweaters – The Berry 

Keeley Hazell (Remember her? Probably not.) still exists and is doing some kind of Baywatch-themed photo shoot – Hollywood Tuna 

Jenny Lewis FINALLY does the Cookie Time dance in a music video. However, I am side-eyeing her for letting Zosia Mamet play Dorothy. That’s ILLEGAL and Jenny Lewis should probably be arrested for it – Jezebel

Madge is worth a little over a billion dollars. I wonder how much of that goes to the Illuminati? Does she have to give a regular tithing on top of the virgin sacrifice? – OMG Blog

Tatum O’Neal is doing ladies now – ICYDK

Sam Shepard got another DUI – HuffPo

Tilda Swinton is an ancient being who has been here since the beginning of time, so this casting makes sense – Pajiba

So much for the rumors that Cameron Diaz is done with rubbing on Benji Madden’s tattooed FUPA – Popsugar

Okay, but when are we going to find out that the Kartrashian Kar Krash was shot using a stunt driver in front of a green screen on a soundstage in Burbank? – Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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Tracy Morgan Has Settled With Walmart Over Fatal Limo Bus Crash

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been nearly a year since the New Jersey Turnpike crash that killed comedian James McNair and left Tracy Morgan in a bad way with a broken leg, broken ribs and a brain injury. Tracy hasn’t worked since and he wasn’t well enough to do Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special back in February. Since the crash, Tracy’s lawyers and Walmart have been fighting it out. Tracy’s lawyers pointed out that the driver of the Walmart truck admitted to police that he hadn’t slept in 24 hours before the multi-car crash. Walmart’s lawyers tried to blame Tracy for his injuries by saying that he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Well, they’re not going to take their shank fight to a courtroom, because E! News reports that they have settled.

James McNair’s family got $10 million when they settled with Walmart in March. We won’t ever know how much money Tracy got from Walmart, because he signed a confidentiality agreement. He released this statement today and it’s best if you read it in Tracy Jordan’s voice.

“Walmart did right by me and my family, and for my associates and their families. I am grateful that the case was resolved amicably.”

My guess is that Walmart “did right” by him by giving enough money to buy several Benihana franchises and fund a real Who Dat Ninja? movie. And I bet that in a few months, Walmart will be hitting Tracy up for some child support, because I’m sure that during a break in settlement negotiations, he took their ugly orange sunburst logo behind a middle school and got it pregnant.

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The Porn Iguana And Her Mom Are Done Professionally

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.

If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.

If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.

“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.

I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”

But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?

Open Post: Hosted By Colton Haynes Looking Like A Creamsicle

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

“How many licks does it take to get to the cream?” is what several thirsty, horny hos said to Colton Haynes last night. Probably.

One-time XY twink model and actor type Colton Haynes is in that San Andreas movie and at last night’s L.A. premiere, he decided to show us what it would look like if a wizard turned a pink flamingo law ornament into a junior car salesman. I’m into it. So many dudes show up to these things in the same boring ass black or blue suit. It’s about time a dude brings on the puckers by doing himself up like a Candyland pimp. But you know, The CW version of Channing Tatum is a brave bitch for wearing that around The Rock.

I mean, Colton looks like a giant piece of salmon sashimi and we all know that The Rock has to eat an extra large serving of protein every hour on the hour or one of his ten millions muscles will deflate a little. Hmmm… I just realized that if you want The Rock to eat you good, just walk by him while looking like a giant piece of salmon sashimi. On that note, I’m off to find a pink suit at Kohl’s.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Lindsay Lohan May Have Completed All Of Her Community Service

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.

TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.

TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.

LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.

Here’s What It Looked Like When Nikki Reed And Ian Somerhalder Got Married Last Month

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.

Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS After They Investigated Him

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Many advertisers are doing what Jim Bob Duggar has never done while mating with Michelle Duggar. They’re pulling out. So far, 13+ advertisers and counting have let it be known that they’re done with buying commercial space during 19 Kids and Counting. TLC snatched 19 Kids and Counting from its schedule, but they haven’t officially dropped it in the bin marked CANCELED yet. Maybe they’re thinking it’ll all blow over (or they’re working on that rumored spin-off show). If they’re waiting it out, they better get a copy of War and Peace and have a seat in the most comfortable chair in the waiting room, because it’s going to be a while. This mess isn’t going away. Case in point: InTouch Weekly uncovered another dingle in this shitty situation.

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Jennifer Lopez Got Glitter Bombed By A Scary Clown At The Airport Yesterday

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know what made me release a dribble of scared pee more: the thought of being covered in dirty prickly pocket glitter or the fact that it was delivered BY A SCARY CLOWN. Yep, definitely the scary clown. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I need to change my pants.

While strolling through LAX yesterday, Jennifer Lopez lived my worst nightmare when a dude dressed as a busted Juggalo-looking clown threw a load of glitter in her face. NO! Glitter should only be used for good – never evil. Someone should teach that scary clown some glamour manners.

According to TMZ, the glitter-throwing clown is a dude named Richie the Barber and he’s the same person responsible for covering Khloe Kardashian’s ass in confetti last year. You know, you’d think a barber would know how difficult it is to comb a million particles of shit out of your hair. Rude. And it was especially rude for him to do it to JLo yesterday, because she was just trying to show off her new one-night-stand baby of Bon Jovi and Ally McBeal haircut. Double rude! So far there’s no word on whether or not JLo is going to press charges.

Besides the fact that it was beyond obnoxious, what’s throwing glitter on JLo even going to do? Her skin is 90% cosmetic-grade shimmer, so technically all he did was waste a bunch of glitter. Somewhere, the old Kesha is crying.

Pics: Splash/INF

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Took Their Blond Giraffe Love To Dinner Last Night

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

The extra long Holly Hobbie doll who should be charged with grand theft for stealing Annette Funicello’s wardrobe has truly mastered the art of the pap stroll. Taylor Swift always makes sure that the paps get a clear shot of her fancy purse (which she probably got free), her Beach Blanket Ass Bingo outfit (which again, she probably got for free), her designer heels (again, for free) and her hand in her pieces’ hand. I see that someone has been taking night classes at Phoebe Price’s School Of How To Make The Most Out Of A Pap Strut. My only critique is that Tay Tay really should’ve touched her stomach at one point, because that would’ve given tabloid editors the perfect picture to use for their inevitable “Tay Tay’s Having A Bay Bay” cover.

Pap Stroll Barbie and Opportunist Ken went to eat things at a restaurant in NYC last night. They’ve been dating for a couple of months or so and Calvin Harris is well on his way to getting into the Guinness Book of World Records for being her longest-lasting piece. A source type tells Life & Style that Taylor and Calvin are moving really, really fast and that marriage talk isn’t that far away. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’re already talking weddings, because I bet Taylor serves her man a heart-shaped pancake with the words “I Wuv You” written on top in strawberry maple syrup the morning after their first sleepover. The source also says that Taylor’s friends are concerned or something, because they think that Calvin has some skanky skeletons in his closet and is pretending to be the perfect boyfriend.

“Calvin’s putting on a front now. He used to date a bunch of club girls who were nothing like Taylor. If they ever came forward, it would hurt Taylor’s brand. They are getting very serious, very fast. Taylor has already introduced Calvin to her parents.”

So, Calvin Harris doing some “club girls” is going to hurt Taylor’s brand? Taylor has been on humanized chlamydia strain John Mayer. If her “brand” can survive John Mayer, it can survive ANYTHING.

Here’s Taylor throwing a smug “Yes, bitch, I’m about to get that dick” look at the cameras last night. And yes, by “dick” I mean “spotted dick,” which Taylor and Calvin made before watching a Last of the Summer Wine marathon while snuggling under a handmade Union Jack throw. It was British night at Tay Tay’s place!

Pics: Splash

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