Archives: May 2015

The Kelly Rutherford Custody Battle Has Gotten Messier (Yes, That’s Possible)

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

As everyone who’s been following this batshit crazy custody saga knows, Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl and more importantly Melrose Place, has been fighting hard to get her kids Hermes and Helena back into the US. They’ve been living with their father Daniel Giersch (seen above giving you “preppy twink J. Crew assistant manager” realness with Kelly during happier times) in Monaco since 2012. A judge in California let Daniel, who is a German citizen, take the kids to Monaco, because his US Visa was revoked after someone on Kelly’s legal team reportedly decided to play a little dirty by telling the State Department about his alleged shady business dealings. Kelly denies this. Daniel is supposed to reapply for a US Visa, but he hasn’t yet.

Kelly has taken the case all the way to the federal level where it was denied. Now, she’s trying to get the White House and President Obama involved. With Kim Kartrashian’s help, she got over 100,000 signatures on her petition to get her kids back. Kelly has also been doing the media rounds and will fart at the mouth about this to anyone who puts a mic in front of her. Well, something she said to TMZ has kept her from seeing her kids in Monaco.



Open Post: Hosted By The Greatest Inventor Of Our Time

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

My mom has a cat who is like the Krissy Snow of cats. He has looks, charisma, charm and well, he has looks, charisma and charm. When he was made, his maker went down the checklist and said, “I’m giving you looks, charisma, charm and I can’t give you smarts, because you can’t have it all.” (My mom will seriously pull a chancleta on me if she finds out I wrote that about her cat.) He’s the best. A couple of months ago, he couldn’t really do caca times and so my mom shuffled him off to the vet. They did a few tests and couldn’t figure out what was going on with his body. He was in and out of the vet’s office. My mom finally took him to an animal hospital for a second opinion and after they did more tests, they discovered that he had a huge mass in his stomach. The “cancer” word was brought up and it wasn’t looking good. We were preparing ourselves for him to become a pussy angel up in heaven.

A few hours into surgery, the doctor came out and said that they removed the huge mass and were going to send a piece of it to the lab to be tested. Again, it wasn’t looking good and I started rehearsing a song to sing at his memorial (“Baby Mine” from Dumbo). The doctor came back out and said she had some good news. After cutting up the mass, she found some kind of small rubber object in the middle of it. Dude swallowed that small rubber thing and a mass grew around it. He doesn’t have catcer and he’s perfectly healthy now. I hope that rubber thing tasted delicious, because it cost him hours in surgery and cost my mom thousands of dollars. Anyway, I’m finally getting to the part about the damn cone. It only took me 10,000 words.

Of course, he had to wear a cone for a little bit and it was a mess. He was like a drunk and stoned me: confused and needy. I watched him try to walk between two chairs that were close to each other. He tried to walk through them and BOOM, his cone stopped him from doing so. He stopped, looked around like “huh” and tried again. He did this three more times before I finally helped a bitch out. He really needed a pussy friend like this one to show him how to conquer the cone.

Here’s a video of a thirsty pussy turning the cone of shame into a beautiful waterfall to drink from:

If that cat is in California, then she should be arrested and fined for wasting precious water! If that cat isn’t in California, then somebody should give her an Inventor of the Millennium award!

via Tastefull Offensive


Flavor Flav Was Arrested In Las Vegas For (Insert Every Misdemeanor Here)

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

That side-eye. That sneer. That mug shot. Flavor Flav looks the way I felt after my 2-day BBB (booze, buffet and beauty in the form of Mimi and Brit Brit) binge in Las Vegas.

Early yesterday morning in Las Vegas, the cops answered, “It’s jail time,” after Flavor Flav asked, “Do you know what time it is?” One of the vanguards who built Vh1′s kingdom of reality show fuckery found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his 2005 black BMW was pulled over for going way too fast. E! News says that at around 12:30 on Thursday morning, highway patrol caught Flavor Flav (born name: William Jonathan Drayton, Jr.) going 73mph in a 45mph zone. That traffic stop led to a treasure trove of charges. Flav was charged with six misdemeanors including DUI, speeding, possession of weed, driving with a suspended license, driving with an open container and driving with a bunk registration.


The Cannes Film Festival Is “Almost Vulgar”, According To French Actress Mélanie Laurent

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s the look of a woman who just realized she’s being followed up the red carpet by Paris Hilton. A real calm-in-the-eyes yet screaming internally look. So Mélanie Laurent, who you may remember as either the French girl from Inglourious Basterds or the French girl who got caught rubbing up against Ewan McGregor’s married ass a couple years ago, recently spit some hot truth to Vanity Fair about the Cannes Film Festival. Apparently Mélanie isn’t here for the endless parade of fame whores, reality TV people, and whatever you’d call what Rita Ora is.

“I think we are going a bit too crazy. I remember 15 years ago, it was more charming. Less crazy. Less almost vulgar. More respectful.”

She then added “But I feel the same way for any other subject in the world.” Somewhere in the west wing of Castle Goopskull, the leader of the So Over-It Snob Squad just pulled out her solid-gold iPhone 9 and started composing an email to Mélanie that read “You sound great! Call me sometime? xo Gwyneth Paltrow.

Normally I’d be down with such top-shelf shade, but I can’t help but feel bad for all those thirsty fame humpers who are working their asses off this week in Cannes. Every day, they are rolling off the deck of some rich dude’s yacht at the crack of noon so they can make it back to their hotel room (which they are no doubt sleeping three to a bed) to splash some water on their face, pick the dried up brie chunks out of their weave, apply 8-layers of makeup on top of the old, and make it downstairs in time for the 3 o’clock pap walk on the Promenade de la Croisette. Have some respect, Mélanie; being vulgar is hard work!

Speaking of, here are two of my favorites struttin’ for the paps earlier today. Why are Kelly Brook and former Hot Slut Hofit Golan at the Cannes Film Festival? Who cares!


Mindy Kaling And B.J. Novak Are Writing A Book About Their Relationship

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

I hope there’s a chapter on whether or not they got into some kinky When Harry Met Sally role playing after that picture was taken (just me? Okay then). According to the NY Daily News, Mindy Kaling and B.J. Novak – aka Kelly and Ryan from The Office – have been given $7.5 million to write a book about their on-again off-again relationship. Mindy and B.J. dated during The Office and remained really close after they broke up. Currently, nobody knows what those two are (boyfriend/girlfriend? Life partners? Casual hump bumpers?), including Mindy. But they’re pretty much friends who used to fuck and now they’re getting paid a fuckload of money to write a book about that.

So far, nothing else is really known about their book, but it will probably be essays and stories. But who knows? Maybe they’ll throw in a sexy Sudoku puzzle (the only numbers are 6 and 9) or a Mad Magazine-style fold-in? Dear Mindy and B.J. – DO THAT. The NYDN has been told they’ll probably announce the title of their book at BookCon next week.

I know that writing a book with your ex might sound like a nightmare, but if it came with $7.5 million? Hell yes I would! And not one of the decent ones that I’m still on good terms with either; for $7.5 million, I’d take my most lying-ist cheating-ist small-dicked did-me-all-kinds-of-dirty halitosis-breath-having ex. For $7.5 million, I’d get the name of the book tattooed on my tits and do a cross-country book tour in a van. In a van! You know I’m serious about money if I’m willing to get butt sores and crotch cramps. Then again, I’d probably do it for $250,000 worth of Olive Garden gift cards, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask.

Pic: Instagram

TLC Hasn’t Axed “19 Kids” And Mama June Is Pissed About It (UPDATE)

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

UPDATE: TLC pulled 19 Kids and Counting from their schedule, but they haven’t officially canceled it yet.

As Josh Duggar shat up a statement where he admitted to molesting several underage girls when he was a teenager (and later prayed the pedo away), TLC really went for it by airing a marathon of 19 Paychecks and Counting. Obviously, the marathon was scheduled to air long before the world learned that Josh Duggar is even more disgusting than we all thought. But after Josh admitted it, you’d think that maybe, just maybe, someone at TLC would hit the abort button on that marathon and replace it with episodes of I’m A 600-lb Gypsy Bride And I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant With A Little Amish Medium. (That may or may not be a real show on TLC, but I’m pretty sure it’s real.)

TLC hasn’t said anything yet about what they’re going to do with 19 Kids and that’s making the butter in No Mama June’s veins boil. TLC dropped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the dumpster right after a picture came out of No Mama June hanging out with the convicted pedo who allegedly abused her own daughter Chickadee. Seen above hugging on a horse’s ass (“You’ll have to be more specific, because I see two horses asses there. Horse ass-to-horse ass!” – you), June the Hutt tells TMZ that she will hit TLC with a lawsuit if they don’t put 19 Kids And Counting in the trash. June moaned about how the cancellation of her show cost her hundreds of thousands of dollars and she wants that monies if TLC keeps the Duggars on the air.


Kim Kardashian Helped Konvince Kylie Jenner To Get Lip Injections

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

I am SHOCKED!!!“…is what I would say if this news wasn’t the definition of DUH. Although, to be honest, I am a little surprised it wasn’t Pimp Mama Kris who convinced Kylie Jenner to stuff her lips full of fillers. But that’s what happens when you spend 90% of your day in the Kardashian Khompound’s ‘lower office’ (aka the 7th circle of Hell) kounting your kash and brainstorming new ways to pimp out your family with Satan’s public relations expert; you really start to forget about the things that truly matter, like encouraging your 17-year-old to get plastic surgery.

During an interview with Access Hollywood, (via People), Kim Kardashian admitted that she helped prepare Kylie for the Kardashian family initiation ritual of walking into a surgeon’s office and asking for whatever looks the least natural. In Kylie’s case, it was having a hunk of CyberClean injected into her lips. But she totally did it out of love, you guys!

“I saw how for so many years she was so insecure about [her lips]. I mean, at 10 years old, she would say to me, ‘How come my lips aren’t big like you guys?’ And I would see this insecurity … For me, I gave her advice and I still stand by that advice. I think it changed her confidence so much.”

To be fair, that’s not really specific to Kylie; I’m sure if any of us grew up around a pack of drowsy-faced silicone-enthusiasts, we’d start to question why we didn’t look like them too.

But what I really want to know is what other procedures Kim pitched to Kylie. “Are you sure you just want to stick to lips? You know you get a discount if you bundle lips, ass, and tits, right? Plus, they’ll throw in a complimentary nose job.

Speaking of more rubber than a new set of tires, here’s Kim giving the nannies a 10-second break by picking North West from a dance class yesterday, as well as Kourtney Kardashian and Penelope Disick working the hell out of a super cool birthday cake hat.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Mooscles, the pumped up mascot of Applegate Farms.

Up until reader Bert dropped this into my inbox a few days ago, I didn’t know that Applegate Farms (aka the makers of that fancy organic bacon you splurge on when you want to feel like you’re living like Beyonce) had commercials and I really didn’t know that they had a mascot. But for a while now, they’ve been squirting out commercials starring their mascot Mooscles, the muscle piece in a cow suit that squeezed out of a bodybuilding bull’s asshole months after that cattle was implanted with an HGH capsule that was fertilized with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nipple discharge.

In each commercial, Mooscles’ Dolph Lundgren-in-a-cow-suit-looking ass tries to convince a shopper to try his meat (which is full of hormones and stuff) and the shopper tells him that she wants all-natural meat. The commercials really make no sense to me. I mean, that buff piece in a cow suit is basically saying to them “Do you want to go out back and bone?” and each shopper is like, “Naw, it’s okay, I want to buy this package of hot dogs instead.” The HELL? Who would rather buy a package of hot dogs than have a quickie in a supermarket back alley with Kellan Lutz’s daddy in a cow suit?

Of course, some pearl clutchers were highly offended by this commercial. I found this comment from a highly offended person named Barbara on Applegate’s website:

Would just like to tell you that your commercial with the body builder in a dog costume is a crude commercial. I hope that is not the quality of your products!

Shush, nobody tell Barbara that’s not a dog costume he’s wearing. It makes me happy knowing that somewhere in the world is a person trying to play fetch with a cow.

And I hope Applegate Farms starts selling cheese-filled hot dogs soon, because I need to see that commercial.


Birthday Sluts

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Naomi Campbell (45)
Apolo Ohno (33)
Daniel Bryan (34)
Nazanin Boniadi (35)
Maggie Q (36)
Ginnifer Goodwin (37)
Katie Price (37)
Sean Gunn (41)
A.J. Langer (41)
Alison Eastwood (43)
Annabel Chong (43)
Brooke Smith (48)
Johnny Gill (49)
Morrissey (56)
Bernie Taupin (65)
Bernard Shaw (75)

Pic: V Magazine


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