Archives: May 2015

Birthday Sluts

May 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Naomi Campbell (45)
Apolo Ohno (33)
Daniel Bryan (34)
Nazanin Boniadi (35)
Maggie Q (36)
Ginnifer Goodwin (37)
Katie Price (37)
Sean Gunn (41)
A.J. Langer (41)
Alison Eastwood (43)
Annabel Chong (43)
Brooke Smith (48)
Johnny Gill (49)
Morrissey (56)
Bernie Taupin (65)
Bernard Shaw (75)

Pic: V Magazine

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Night Crumbs

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s a rumor that Johnny Depp dramatically stormed off of the Australian set of Pirates of the Caribbean 435: This Shit Again and is threatening to come back to the US to be with Amber Heard. A rep has already denied it. The thing is, I don’t think it’s possible for Johnny Depp to dramatically storm off of a set. In order to dramatically storm off of a set, you must dramatically toss your scarf over your shoulder, arch your back and sashay off in a huff. Since Johnny was probably wearing at least 85 scarves, it would take him a good 2 hours to finish throwing each scarf over his shoulder. The crew would’ve left the set before he was done, because they don’t have time for that shit  - Lainey Gossip 

Jane Fonda is slathering the camera with pure sex in W MagazineDrunken Stepfather

Princess Beatrice is living the life – Celebitchy

It’s a good thing for us that Jax Taylor’s recent nose job didn’t stop him from throwing some Blue Steel at us – Reality Tea 

The raw emotion: Vin Diesel is once again bringing it while serenading Paul Walker - The Superficial 

Don’t we all just want to get naked when an airline tells us our flight is overbooked? – Jezebel

The Elton John biopic starring Tom Hardy will be turned into a Broadway musical. If it’s an all-nude production also starring Tom Hardy, they can take my money now – Towleroad

Victoria Justice wears the first communion version of The Slut Dress™ – Egotastic!

Casey Wilson had a baby – ICYDK

Ashley Greene’s hair is really giving me a craving for an overcooked sourdough loaf – Popoholic

Someone sold a thong they said Emily Ratajkowski wore once – IDLYITW

They really will let anybody in high heels on the Cannes red carpet. Case in point: Kendall JennerHollywood Tuna

The Hannibal season 3 trailer is here  - Pajiba

You too can live like Regina George for only $15 million - OMG Blog

Laura Jeanne Poon is playing a live-action Tinker Bell and I can’t wait for the scene where she gets tanked and tells the cops, “I AM A NEVERLAND CITIZEN ON NEVERLAND SOIL!” – Just Jared

Leonardo DiCatchAHo is in Cannes doing what Leonardo DiCatchAHo does – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Josh Duggar Confirms Molestation Accusations And Quits His Job At Family Research Council

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

A quick minute after InTouch Weekly coughed up the receipts proving that Josh Duggar was briefly investigated for molesting 5 young girls, including his sisters, when he was a teenager, he has released a statement to People confirming that it’s true. He also resigned as spokeswhore of the Family Research Council. In the statement, Josh shits up a heave-worthy dingle about how he realized that if he kept going down Child Touching Way, he’d ruin his life. Oh, poor Josh. Let’s only think about his life, because it’s not like he ruined the lives of the girls.

“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing, and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions,” says Josh. “I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”

FYI: Michelle Duggar admitted in the police report that Josh never got actual counseling. They just sent him to live with a friend who owns a home renovation business. So yeah, sanding a deck and painting an accent wall in a living room really changed him.

TMZ also says that a judge today ordered for the police report to be destroyed after one of the victims told the court that she doesn’t want her name getting out there. InTouch Weekly got a hold of a redacted copy and she’s afraid that the unredacted copy will get out there. The judge agreed with her.

Josh’s pregnant wife Anna, his dad Jim Bob and his mom Michelle (who once compared transgender people to child touchers in a robocall) also released statements to People. Anna just said that Josh told her a while ago, she’s standing by him and she knows that the counseling he got (which he didn’t get) changed him. Jim Bob and Michelle basically said that they also support Josh and God got them through it. If you combine all their statements together, they say God’s name at least a million times. They say it so much that I’m sure God is thinking, “Leave me out of this shit already!”

And if you really need a reason to bang your head against a table over and over again, read some of the comments at the 19 Kids and Counting Facebook page. I think I bruised my pituitary gland and I didn’t even know I had one of those!

Pic: Reuters

Open Post: Hosted By John Travolta As Robert Shapiro

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

If a constipated Herman Munster got a botched brow lift, slathered his skin with orange wax, hired Count Chocula’s eyebrow wizard to work their magic on him and had discount hair plugs installed, he’d look like John Travolta as Robert Shapiro. In other words, he’d look perfect.

2016′s most anticipated TV event of the year (to me) American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson has started shooting in L.A. and the other day the paps caught John Travolta taking a quick break from giving the performance of his career (next to that “I Think You Might Like It” video). As you know, nearly every single human being with an IMDB page is in this. Sarah Paulson is Marcia Clark, Connie Britton is Faye Resnick, Selma Blair is Pimp Mama Kris, Cuba Gooding Jr. is O.J. Simpson, David Schwimmer is Robert Kardashian, Malcolm-Jamal Warner is Al Cowlings, Jordana Brewster is Denise Brown and on and on. They keep adding to the cast too. They just added Billy Magnussen as Kato Kaelin, newcomer Kelly Dowdle as Nicole Brown Simpson and Cheryl Ladd as Robert Shapiro’s wife. CHERYL LADD! No wonder John Travolta signed on. He probably signed his name in blood as soon as they said, “And we’re trying to get Kris from Charlie’s Angels to play your wife.”

Here’s more of Travolta working those brow weaves as well as character portraits from The Hollywood Reporter. Sarah Paulson’s wig may or may not look like the perm my mom got from a beauty school student in the late 80s. And Billy Magnussen as Kato looks like my high school English teacher after she got a busted, lazy version of The Rachel.

Pics: Wenn.com, The Hollywood Reporter

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Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.

She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.

Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.

Pics: Splash

Neville Longbottom Is Grown Up, Hairy And Topless In Attitude Magazine

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, well, well, it looks like Neville Longbottom (not to be confused with Tom Cruise’s Grindr name: NevilleShortBottom) from the Harry Potter movies performed the Makemehottes spell on himself. I was going to say he’s like that dude in junior high school who was a major awkward nerd and grew up to be a hot piece, but all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school grew up to be major awkward nerds. And yes by “all the major awkward nerds in my junior high school” I mean me.

Matthew Lewis, who is now 25 years old, is currently shooting some romantic drama called Me Before You with Emilia Clarke and he’s getting an early start on promoting it by posing in his underwear for a gay magazine. Matthew Lewis stripped down to his chonies, threw on an abuelo cardigan, worked his birthing hips and served up some “sleeping baby anteater” bulge in the UK’s Attitude Magazine. Matthew tells Attitude that he put some muscles on his body for the movie, because he plays an athlete or some shit. Since he plays an athlete, Matthew says he may wax off all that glorious body fur, because he needs to be as smooth as a snake’s anus.

“Apparently triathletes shave their legs for added aerodynamics, to buy you that extra couple of milliseconds. And my character, that is what he would do, so I think I’ll be losing the leg hair! I haven’t waxed before. I was quite keen just to shave every day but it was Emilia’s idea. She was like ‘no just wax it! Then you’ll only have to do it once!’ I was like ‘argh!’ I haven’t done it yet but we’ll see!”

If Matthew needs some extra cash he can always turn his waxed-off body fur into a rug and sell it on eBay. There’s a lot of horny hos out there who will gladly pay top dollar for a Matthew Lewis butt hair rug. But while many tricks are screaming, “Stick it in my chamber of secrets, Matthew,” at that picture, J.K. Rowling is not amused. She jokingly tweeted this today:

jkrowling2015

I’m with J.K. Rowling about DanRad in Equus. That was bad. I’m still salty over not seeing any peen.

Here’s Neville Longbottom on the cover of Attitude and also some pics of him at the London premiere of Tomorrowland a few days ago.

Pics: Attitude, Wenn.com, Splash

Josh Duggar Allegedly Molested His Sisters

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.

Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.

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Stephanie March Is Coming For Bobby Flay’s Cash

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When it was announced that Law & Order: SVU legend Stephanie March and Lucky the Leprechaun’s smug-faced cousin Bobby Flay were quitting each other after 10 years of marriage and that it maybe had something to do with Bobby letting his assistant sample his chorizo, I knew it was only a matter of time before there was some prenup drama. Why? Because a Hollywood divorce is nothing without prenup drama! We already know that Stephanie wasn’t happy with the BBQ-basted prenup Bobby had her sign back in 2005, and now she has a reason, or at least a really good excuse, for why they should toss it in the trash.

TMZ says that Stephanie and Bobby’s prenup guarantees her $5,000 a month plus a $1 million buyout for their home, but Stephanie has an itchy #getmoneybitch hand and she’s looking to yank more cash out of Bobby’s wallet. Stephanie has filed documents claiming that she’s the reason Bobby is a meat-grilling millionaire, and therefore deserves a chunk of his cash. Stephanie says that Bobby once told her she has an “amazing palate” (“Yeah, he told me that too” said every chick who has ever blown Bobby Flay) and that he relied on her to taste everything he made before it went into his restaurants to make sure it was good.

Stephanie also claims that during a trip to Spain, she pushed Bobby to include tapas on the menu of his (now closed) restaurant, Bolo. Bolo became a success, and Stephanie thinks that’s her doing. She also adds that she helped with the design of his restaurants and picked out which music to play.

Of course, TMZ claims Bobby thinks Stephanie is full of BS, and he’s the reason his restaurants are successful.

It feels like every time I turn on the Food Network, Bobby Flay’s beady little ginger eyes are staring back at me from behind a barbeque or Giada De Laurentiis’ left shoulder, so he’s definitely getting paid. But to hand it over to someone who claims they picked out all the music for your restaurant 10 years ago? If a judge buys that, then I need to go to the bar I worked at in 2005 where I picked the music (Jordy Birch’s “Moola Moola” on a loop because my iPod was broken) and demand some money.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Was Told She’s Too Old To Play The Love Interest Of A 55-Year-Old

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes? And?” thought Hollywood, before it called up an airbrushed picture of an unborn fetus and informed it that they got the part as Johnny Depp’s girlfriend.

During an interview with The Wrap, 37-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal confessed that she was recently told she was too damn dusty to play the love interest of a 55-year-old dude and was shown the door. For those of you who are bad at math, that means someone thought an age gap of 18 years wasn’t large enough. Is Hollywood run by gross old men who are taking advice from barely-legal gold diggers? Wait, don’t answer that.

“There are things that are really disappointing about being an actress in Hollywood that surprise me all the time. I’m 37 and I was told recently I was too old to play the lover of a man who was 55. It was astonishing to me. It made me feel bad, and then it made me feel angry, and then it made me laugh.”

In the real world, it’s not weird for a 55-year-old to date a 37-year-old. And 37 is young in regular years! But in Hollywood years, a 37-year-old woman is basically a mummified corpse. Come on Maggie, you’ve been in Hollywood long enough to know the casting breakdown for women based on their ages. Anything 0-17 is a daughter, 18-21 is a girlfriend or fiancé, 22-25 is a wife, 26-35 is an ex-wife, 36-40 is a grandmother, and anything older than that gets witch, scary homeless gypsy woman, or wrinkly old lady watching TV in a nursing home. What am I saying? Even the casting notice for the role of nursing home lady would be like “Yes, she’s at death’s door, but nothing over 51 please.

And like it even matters how old Maggie Gyllenhaal is? It’s Hollywood! They’ll just end up CGI’ing all the age out of her face anyway.

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