Archives: May 2015

Open Post: Hosted By The Mint Julep In Johnny Weir’s Rose Mohawk

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t even know why the Kentucky Derby went on. They should’ve canceled that shit and sent all the horses home as soon as Johnny Weir sashayed onto the red carpet looking like this, because he clearly won the night. Johnny made b-hole lips pucker themselves into a frenzy when he showed up to that Derby shit on Friday night in rich old man pajamas from the 1920s, Liberace’s favorite newspaper-picking-up slippers and a flower mohawk hat that looks like a rose bush after a drunk bitch dropped their cocktail in it while stumbling out of the party.

Part of me thinks that the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice didn’t specifically wear this ensemble for the Kentucky Derby. It’s kind of butch and low-key for him. I don’t see one piece of sequins or a feather or a lace ruffle. This is like Casual Friday Johnny Weir. I bet he was at the grocery store when he got the call to get on a plane to Kentucky because the Derby desperately needed a huge injection of his glittery brand of glamour. Johnny Wear at his most casual is still a million times more glamorous that any average ho at their most glamorous. And I wonder how many drunk tricks he had to knee because they kept trying to drink his hat?

And here’s the parade of bright shining A-list stars at the Kentucky Derby. Anna Nicole’s daughter was there to remind us all that we’re really, really old.

Pic: Splash


And Here’s The Cast Of Suicide Squad In Full Suicide Squad Drag

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

We’ve already seen Jared Leto looking like a cracked out Juggalo as The Joker and tonight the director of Suicide Squad, David Ayers, queefed up a picture of the entire squad in costume. From left to right: Adam Beach as Slipknot, Jai Courtney as Boomerang, Karen Fukuhara as Katara, Cara Delawhatever as Enchantress, Joel Kinnaman as Rick Flagg, Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, Will Smith as Deadshot, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Killer Croc and Jay Hernandez as El Diablo. Click here to see that shit bigger.

They look like a group of friends who dressed up in Suicide Squad cosplay for Comic-Con, but did it on a budget and bought all their outfits at Hot Topic and Party City. But Jai Courtney is doing it for me. He’s throwing the kind of dirty come hither look that a down low gay would throw while trolling for ass in the park and I’m into it.

Also, I’m pretty sure that I once bought Ecstasy from Harley Quinn at a rave in Downtown L.A. in 1998.


And it turned out to be bunk! Bitch owes me $20!

The Duggars May Have Faked A Charity Moment For The Cameras

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:


Put on a helmet and brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you will blow your mind and I don’t want you to spend your Sunday night scraping pieces of your blown mind off of the ceiling and wall. Are you ready? Reality TV is fake. Commencing mind blowing!

Some eyewitness type tells Radar that even those wholesome, do-gooding Duggars are committing the sin of lying by faking shit for storylines. Last month, the Duggars announced on Twitter that they were giving away free food to needy families at the Compassion Center in Springdale, Arkansas. They tweeted the day and time and when that day and time came, nobody showed up. I guess need families in Springdale don’t use Twitter, because not one person was in line. TLC’s cameras were there to shoot the act of charity, but there was no act of charity to shoot since no needy families came. You’d think that Michelle Duggar would think fast and say to one of her married kids, “Get knocked up now, because we need a storyline.” But instead of doing that, a producer for 19 Kids and Counting decided to stage the charity scene.


Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Are Over

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.

Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:

“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”

Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”

Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:

“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”

This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.

In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.

While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.

I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.

And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

The woman with the A+++ eyebrow situation whose multi-layered “THE FUCK?” face stole the show at a debate about same-sex marriage in Ireland!

On May 22nd, voters in Ireland will decide if a referendum on same-sex marriage should be added to their constitution. If the referendum is added, marriage will become legal for all humans in Ireland. On Friday night, The Late Late Show hosted a debate between the YES side (the people who want marriage equality in Ireland to happen) and the NO side (the people are not here for same-sex marriage, because we need to THINK OF THE CHILDREN, etc…). During the debate, a woman from the No side started going on about how there needs to be a gender balance in parenting and every child needs a father and a mother and blah blah blah blah blah blah.

While watching the clip, my eyes and ears stopped paying attention to the No lady in the blue blazer, because all of my attention went to the lady with the gorgeous cleaver-shaped brows whose face took us on a short journey of emotions that inevitably ended at FacePalmville. In just a few seconds, she goes from “errr” to “huh?” to “what the fuck?” to a full blown “WHAT?” and when her nerves are on the verge of completely splitting in two and she can’t take it anymore, her face meets palm. It’s a beautiful and graceful facepalm ballet.

Of course, Facepalm Lady went viral, because her face best expressed many people’s thoughts on the debate. We’re all Facepalm Lady. Who hasn’t made that same face in the Popeye’s drive-thru when they tell you they’re all out of biscuits. Or when you’re watching The Real (you can judge me, I deserve it) and they cut into it for a speech from the president. Or when you’re watching a video on PornHub and it ends before the money shot.

This woman is now on my list of Irish heroes, right above that Why Do You Like Riding Hippos?” flower.

(For James)


Birthday Sluts

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Christina Hendricks (40)
Noah Munck (19)
Levi Johnston (25)
Mary Lambert (26)
Poppy Delevingne (29)
Meagan Tandy (30)
CHERYL “Mop Head” BURKE (31)
Rebecca Hall (33)
Eric Church (38)
Willie Geist (40)
Dule Hill (40)
Damon Dash (44)
Bobby Cannavale (45)
Jeffrey Sebelia (45)
Nina Garcia (50)
Kevin Kilner (57)
Christopher Cross (64)
Chris Mulkey (67)
Greg Gumbel (69)
Ron Popeil (80)
Frankie Valli (81)

Pic: Rhapsody Magazine


Open Post: Hosted By Katy Perry’s Wonderland Cover

May 2, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Katy Perry was a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race and chose Amazonian Clorox Goddess Brigitte Nielsen as her Snatch Game character, here’s Katy Perry on the cover of Wonderland (aka the magazine that makes famous types look nothing like themselves) looking just like that. Although if I were Ru (how dare I even, I know), this is the part where I’d be telling Katy to “sashay away” for failing to capture Brigitte’s struggling-to-stay-awake sleepy-eyed essence.

Katy recently posted 4 shots from this month’s issue to Instagram, and they all look – and I mean this in the best way possible – like the ’80s took a giant coked-up dump on them. The first two shots are of Katy in that greasy blonde wig looking like Brigitte Nielsen auditioning for the part of Gozer the Gozerian in Ghostbusters, the third is of her in a red wig looking like Katherine Helmond-meets-Elvira Hancock-meets-quaaludes, and last is of Katy looking like Strawberry Shortcake’s snobby rich bitch cousin from Manhattan, Crystal Goblet. Actually, that’s a pretty hot name. I’d like to know more about this Crystal Goblet character I just made up. I bet she totally has a white poodle named Bark-arat and refers to everyone as “you there.

Pics: Instagram


Mickey Rourke Is Trying To Build Himself A New Face

May 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that Mickey Rourke is one of the sexiest human beings in the universe (according to myself, Michael K, and all the other weirdos who get the damps for Mickey Rourke. PS – the club meets on the first Sunday of every month, bring cookies), Page Six says Mickey Rourke hates his current face and he’s trying to rebuild it. Someone get me the number of the White House; I’d like to report the desecration of a national treasure.

A “saddened friend” – that could be any of us, really – tells Page Six that 62-year-old Mickey is getting bone from his hip grafted into the roof of his mouth so that he can get new dental implants. He’s also using bone from one of his ribs to rebuild his nose. Another source claims he’s hooked on surgery, as if none of us with working eyes didn’t know that already:

He wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what he sees.”

Those jealous beauty-hating mirrors; they’re clearly reflecting a busted image back at him because they can’t handle how much panty-dropping hotness comes at them every morning. Rude. All joking aside, Mickey really needs to be careful about where he’s yanking bones from. Dude is 62-years-old – the last part of his body he should be fucking around with is his hips!

If Mickey feels so bad about the current state of his face, there’s a very easy solution, and it doesn’t involve surgery. I volunteer to follow Mickey around and constantly remind him how good he looks. I promise I won’t try anything funny (honest, I’m saving myself for the ghost of Road House-era Patrick Swayze), and I won’t even ask for money. Whatever it takes for Mickey Rourke to confidently strut down the sidewalk in a pair of too-tight spandex pants once again, I’m in.

And This Is What Baby Prince George’s Little Sister Looks Like

May 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.

Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?

But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?

Prince William and Prince George at the Lindo Wing

Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?

Pics: Splash,

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