Put on your (whatever you were wearing in 2011) and pop a bottle of (whatever you were drinking in 2011) and let’s go back to a time when receiving a text containing the divorce papers emoji followed by the sad face emoji from your legal piece of a year was still something that justified you never speaking to their rude asses again. “Ah, t’was a much more formal time” thought everyone who at this moment is quitting their latest Tinder piece by tagging them in a picture of a trash can on Instagram.
During an interview with the Daily Telegraph (via UsWeekly), perpetual moody teenage girl cosplayer Katy Perry admitted that she hasn’t said shit to Russell Brand since he quit their marriage via text message three and a half years ago. And it’s not like Russell Brand is desperately trying, like “Oi mate, give us a ring? We miss you“; according to Katy, he doesn’t want to talk to her either.
“He hasn’t spoken to me since he texted me saying he was filing for divorce. I don’t want to talk about him — my songs will say what I need to say.”
She also went on to say that she still has the cat they adopted together, but she has since changed her name from Rusty (a combination of Russell and Katy) to Monkey.
But of course Russell hasn’t contacted Katy; he’s been too busy writing nightmare-making children’s books and being the Erin Brockovich of east London housing (I don’t know if that made any damn sense). I’m sure it would be a whole other story if Russell Brand was unemployed. Trust me on this one, her phone would be blowing up with texts that start with “U up? U want to talk? I miss u” and end with “No srsl girl, u up? I am – WINK!” if he didn’t have a job. Although something tells me she’s used to getting texts like that every time she calls it quits with John Mayer.
After Josh Duggar’s child touching ways were exposed, he dribbled out a nauseating statement where he said he said that he prayed the pedo away and was really sorry for molesting five girls (four of which are his sisters). Well, he’s so sorry that not long after he “repented” for his sins, he mouth farted up an incest joke.
Somebody pulled out an old clip from a 2008 episode of 19 ATMS and Counting (which was 17 ATMS and Counting back then) where a 20-year-old Josh said that he wanted to take his then courtin’ partner Anna on a date and his sister Jinger (Side note: I still CAN’T with the name “Jinger.”) was supposed to be their chaperone. But since they were going to see an R-rated movie, Jinger couldn’t go and his other siblings Jana and John David Duggar went instead. Josh joked that it was a double-date and then laughed while saying, “We are from Arkansas!” CAUTION: Heave-inducing material ahead.
That hoarse cackle you hear is Bill Cosby laughing at Josh’s hilarious joke.
It’s not surprising that this mound of gross would joke about some sick shit he actually did, but it is surprising that the Duggar kids are allowed to see 18+ rated movies. I thought Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar told their kids that their souls will liquefy and become Lucifer’s laundry detergent if their pristine eyes are exposed to anything that isn’t rated G (for GODLY).
In other Duggar news, People (who used to be firmly on Team Duggar and jumped off of that ship real quick) posted a history of the Josh Duggar molestation stories going back 8 years. Gawker also posted a terrifying piece about the fundamentalist brand of Christianity that the Duggars belong to. And lastly (although, I’m sure 500 more Duggar posts will pop up on the Internet as soon as I hit the publish button), the judge who made the call to destroy Josh Duggar’s police report was twice appointed by #1 Duggar fangirl Mike Huckabee.
And if a friend throws you looks of judgement today as you eyeball an entire bottle of vodka at a Memorial Day BBQ, just stop for a second and say, “I read another Duggar post today.” They’ll probably grab another bottle of vodka and help you out by pouring it in your other eye socket.
If the recent-ish press tour for Avengers: Age of Ultron has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes stupid word-based shit falls from the mouths of famous types. So in anticipation of becoming the newest inductee into the “I wish I hadn’t said that” club, America’s current sweetheart Chris Pratt has gone ahead and pre-apologized for all of the dumb stuff he’ll probably end up saying during the upcoming press tour for Jurassic World. Well, at least he’s thinking ahead.
The former #2 spot on my Snuggly Pillow Bodies I Would list (he’s since moved to the #4 spot on my Buff DILFs list) threw up a pre-apology letter on Facebook this weekend that should cover any and all verbal farts he rips during interviews about that dinosaur movie. For instance, let’s say he refers to one of the CGI velociraptors in Jurassic World as a sloppy creep-armed skank – well, he’s already sorry about it!
Orbitz, the gummy balls-filled fruit drink from the 90s that was gone way before its time, got the HSOTD stamp all the way back in the ancient times known as 2009, but I’m making it HSOTD again for 2 very good reasons:
1. Today is Memorial Day in the US and after we honor the fallen soldiers by buying a 25% off mattress and yelling at hos on FB who wish us a “Happy” Memorial Day, it would be nice to lounge in the backyard next to a plunge tub (aka a plastic trash can full of water) and get drunk on Orbitz-tinis. But we can’t get drunk on Orbitz-tinis, because the drink of the future that looked like an STD under a microscope went away shortly after it came out in 1994. Which leads me to…
2. Since Clearly Canadian and New York Seltzer are making their long-awaited return to our throats, Orbitz should too. Apparently, Cleary Canadian, who made Orbitz, said in 2013 that they were going to squirt out a small batch of Orbitz for us 90s hos who can’t let go and don’t want to spend $41 for a vintage bottle on eBay. But Clearly Canadian played with our emotions and left us dry, because they lied. They never gave us that limited-edition batch they promised us.
The truth is, Orbitz was pretty disgusting and that says a lot coming from a nasty gutter tramp who’s had some ultra disgusting things in his mouth before. I remember it tasting like medicine, and those intergalactic gelatin ball things were the consistency of tonsil stones. But still, they should bring it back for those of us who are thirsty for nostalgia and want to guzzle down a gross drink that answered the question, “What would it taste like if a martian busted a chunky jizz load into a bottle full of fruit-flavored Purell?”
BRING BACK ORBITZ!
Terra Jole (35)
Aly Raisman (21)
Neon Hitch (29)
Joe King (35)
Cillian Murphy (39)
Ethan Suplee (39)
Molly Sims (42)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (45)
Jamie Kennedy (45)
Octavia Spencer (45)
Anne Heche (46)
Stacy London (46)
Mike Myers (52)
Connie Sellecca (60)
Eve Ensler (62)
Jacki Weaver (68)
Frank Oz (71)
Leslie Uggams (72)
Ian McKellen (76)
I see that shady horse throwing a look at me that clearly says: “Haaaay, bitch, your man is riding my back and yes he’s letting out an O face while doing so. Seethe, slut, seethe!”
After meeting his future drinking partner Baby Princess Charlotte for the first time, Prince Hot Ginge competed for the The Jerudong Trophy during a charity polo match in Gloucester, England today. His team lost, but the real winner of the day was for me for getting these glorious pictures of PHG in tight white pants.
You know, some people say that polo is a cruel sport and should be banned, because the horses didn’t ask for this. I don’t think polo should be banned, but they should definitely make some major changes. They should replace the horses with willing humans. Also, as much as I love those ginger ball-hugging tight pants, they should be banned too, because they suffocate ballsacks and that’s not right to ballsacks. (Just go with it.) The players should have to go bottomless while playing. Everybody wins! And even though I’m about as athletic as a wet cotton ball and won’t gallop toward the wood ball, because I’ll be too busy screaming, “Poke me harder if you want me to go,” I volunteer to be PHG’s polo human. Somebody has to!
I figured that if I’m going to post about another messy court battle, I might as well give you some man nipples. Just try to ignore the fact that those man nipples are attached to a smegma-covered dildo. Oh fuck it, just salivate over that Corona instead.
Entertainment Tonight says that on Friday, Superior Court Judge Lawrence Cho declared that Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb can file an amended lawsuit against her ass in his battle for sole custody of the frozen embryos they made when they were still together. The revised lawsuit will include a claim that Sofia breached an oral agreement (which is my favorite kind of agreement behind an anal agreement) to bring the embryos to full term using a surrogate. Sofia was against the amendment lawsuit, because duh, she wants this fucked-up situation to be over. Sofia’s lawyer argued that Nick is just doing this for attention and is trying to get back at Sofia. Sofia’s lawyer also said that she and Nick signed a consent form that states they both have to agree before anything is done with the embryos. But the judge sided with Nick.
Nick’s lawyer echoed what he said in that New York Times op-ed piece and to the Today show. Nick believes those embryos are his daughters and he doesn’t want to destroy them or do what Sofia wants, which is to let them stay in a freezer forever.
When Nick first filed the complaint against Sofia in 2014, he filed as a John Doe and called her Jane Doe. Since everybody knows about this wreck of a situation now, he will file the amended lawsuit using their real names. Once he refiles, his lawyer and Sofia’s lawyer will go back to court for some legal custody embryo fight fun!
Nick is a crazy bitch with lots of money and lots of time, so I’m sure he’ll drag this out until it can’t be dragged out anymore. Sofia Vergara’s pussy game must be serious, because she’s got hos so wound up that they’re trying to keep her in their lives by taking her to court over embryos. Sofia’s lawyer should argue that Nick shouldn’t get sole custody of their embryos, because if those two embryos become babies, he’ll probably name them Onion and Crunch and that’s not only wrong, but it’s child abuse.
Anne Meara, actress, writer, comedian and Ben Stiller’s mom, died today. She is now holding hands with the A Beautiful Mind math genius as they make their way up to heaven. Anne was 85 years old.
Anne’s husband of 61 years (which is 5,678,998 in Hollywood marriage years) Jerry Stiller and Ben Stiller confirmed her death to the Associated Press. They said that she had died of natural causes.
Anne Meara married Jerry Stiller in 1954 and after they performed in the improv group that would later become Second City, they formed the comedy duo of Stiller and Meara in the 60s. Stiller and Meara were on The Ed Sullivan Show and the starred in a 5-minute long short comedy program that ran right after Saturday Night Live in the 70s. They also did radio ads for Blue Nun Wine together. When the whole variety show game started to disappear, Anne and Jerry did their own thing professionally. Anne started acting in TV shows and movies and over the course of her career she was in everything from Rhoda to Archie Bunker’s Place to her own show Kate McShane to The King of Queens to Reality Bites to Zoolander, etc… etc.. Children of the 80s probably know her as the grandma in ALF and Sex and the City watchers known her as Steve’s mom.
A rep for her family released this statement:
“Anne’s memory lives on in the hearts of daughter Amy, son Ben, her grandchildren, her extended family and friends, and the millions she entertained as an actress, writer and comedienne.”
Rest in peace, Anne. If I had a bottle of Blue Nun Wine, I’d pour some out for you right now.
To quote myself after I downloaded a few One Direction songs and actually liked them: “I did NOT see this coming.” (And yes, that line was followed by: “God, I hate myself so fucking much.”)
Kelly Rutherford of Melrose Place (and also that Gossip Girl show nobody cares about) actually won a round in the messy, sloppy, wreck of a custody battle against her ex-husband Daniel Giersch over their fancy-named kids, 8-year-old Hermes and 5-year-old Helena. On Friday, a judge in California temporarily gave Kelly sole custody of her kids and ordered that she can bring them back to the US. That ruling came a day after Kelly went to Monaco to visit her kids and her husband refused to let her see them without handing over their US passports. During some bizarre ass interview with TMZ a couple of weeks ago, Kelly said that any American who brings her kids back to the US will be considered an American hero. Daniel used that against Kelly. He claimed that he’s afraid she will take their kids back to the US without his permission so he wanted their passports handed over. Hermes and Helena have been living with their dad in Monaco since 2012. He had to leave the US after his Visa got revoked, because someone (reportedly from Kelly’s legal team) told the State Department he was doing some shady shit business-wise.
People says that a judge in L.A. said that Hermes and Helena must come back to the US with their mom. The judge also ruled that Kelly doesn’t have to hand over their US passports to her ex-husband or a third party. But it’s not like Kelly can just immediately fly with her kids back to the US in time to have a Memorial Day BBQ. Monaco has to co-sign the California judge’s ruling.
The first year Rob doll from Maxie’s World!
Believe it or not, The CW-fied Jem and the Holograms movie isn’t the first time that Jem has been done dirty. In 1986, Hasbro dumped Jem’s ass in the gutter after her doll line failed to sell as much as they wanted it to and they replaced her with an RC Cola version of herself: Maxie! Former HSOTD Maxie was the Rita Ora to Jem’s RiRi. Maxie was a do-gooding high school cheerleader who solved crimes on the side. The Maxie’s World cartoon came first and Hasbro hoped that Maxie would become their Barbie. They pushed out a line of Maxie’s World dolls including one of her boyfriend Rob. Yes, Rob is supposed to be in high school. That is seriously some Strangers with Candy meets reverse Tootsie shit, because he looks like a middle-aged Waffle House waitress circa 1967 masquerading as a teenage boy.
Rob was a footballer and soccer star and the most popular boy at Surfside High. I shouldn’t have to tell you that since it’s obvious. I mean, any teenage dude that has a gorgeous nest of sparkling yellow hair should be the most popular boy in school. Rob has hair like a Piggy Wiggly cashier named Doreen May who smokes Bel Air cigarettes, drives a pistachio green Ford Falcon station wagon, is known for her Jell-O molds and is the #22 Tupperware saleslady in Missouri. I’ve seen plastic Easter basket straw that looks more human than Rob’s hair does. It’s a stunning wonder:
Hasbro replaced this Rob doll a year later with a new Rob doll that looked like a third tier Matt Bomer impersonator. The new Rob doll looked more like the Rob in the cartoon. The Maxie toy line only lasted a few years and I’m not saying it failed because Hasbro made the wrong decision of de-glamming the Rob Doll, but well… I mean, the first Rob doll had hair like Miley Cyrus’ memaw and his eyebrows looked like sketches of a centipede. Why mess with perfection?