Archives: May 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Chris Pratt’s TOWIE Impression

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Chris Pratt has started the Jurassic World press tour, and so far he hasn’t said anything that has required a public apology. However, he does owe me a personal apology for his recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show, because I DIED. Chris admitted that during the filming of Guardians of the Galaxy in London, his wife Anna Faris got really into the British reality show The Only Way Is Essex (aka TOWIE), and he started to mimic their accents.

Whenever I want to sound like a trick from TOWIE, I pour several bottles of booze down my throat and channel as much unquestionable glamour, class, and sophistication as my brain can handle. But Chris Pratt pulled that shit out of nowhere. Graham Norton joked that Chris Pratt’s perfect TOWIE voice impression will never be useful, but I disagree – sounding like British reality TV trash is literally one of the most useful skills I can think of. How dare you, Graham Norton!

I also love how much Jude Law was loving Chris’ accent. He’s like “Yaaaasss! Now throw a drink on me!

Here’s Chris Pratt at the Paris premiere of Jurassic World last night with Bryce Dallas Howard.



Michelle And Jim Bob Duggar Will Sit Down With Fox News To Talk About The Molestation Scandal

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

You know your brain doesn’t want any more of this Duggar mess when it sees a picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and its immediate reaction is to zoom in on that table menu right behind the crunchy poof of hair on Michelle’s head and focus on what appears to be a picture of a chocolate milkshake, like “Hey, what’s that? That looks interesting. Let’s find out more about that milkshake.

Earlier today, Our Patron Saint of Scrunch Spray announced on the Duggar Family blog that she and Jim Bob will be sitting down with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly to discuss the recent molester grossness regarding their son Josh Duggar. Hmmm, I wonder if at any point during that interview Jim Bob will suggest it’s time for Josh to say his goodbyes? Yeah, probably not.

“Next week we will sit down with Megyn Kelly on Fox News to share our hearts with you about the pain that we walked through as a family twelve years ago, the tears we all shed and the forgiveness that was given. We appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers for our family at this time.”

Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus is like “Oh dad dammit, they’re totally going to drag me into this, aren’t they? Pass the Tylenol.

UsWeekly says that Jim Bob and Michelle’s interview with The Kelly File will air on June 3rd, with an additional interview airing during a one-hour The Kelly File special on June 5th. Really? Two nights of airtime dedicated to Jim Bob and Michelle rambling on about forgiveness and mistakes and Jesus and The Bible? Funny or Die did it in two-and-a-half minutes.

Pic: Instagram


Nicki Minaj Wants You To Know She Demands An Orgasm Every Time She Gets Her Hump On

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Before we get to the mental image of a come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet demanding the puppeteer operating her to “work the hand hole“, can we talk about what in the Windows 98 Word Art hell is going on with Cosmopolitan’s name up there on that cover? If you replaced the word COSMOPOLITAN with the words THE FACE ON THE MILK CARTON, you’d have the title page for one of my 6th grade book reports.

Okay, back to that puppet sex. Singing pile of rubber parts and hair Nicki Minaj (trust me, I mean that in the nicest way possible) recently did an interview for the July issue of Cosmopolitan, and if you’ve ever wondered what Nicki Minaj is like when Nicki Minaj gets her bedsheets freak on, well – here you go.

“I demand that I climax. I think women should demand that. I have a friend who’s never had an orgasm in her life. In her life! That hurts my heart. It’s cuckoo to me. We always have orgasm interventions where we, like, show her how to do stuff. We’ll straddle each other, saying, ‘You gotta get on him like that and do it like this.’ She says she’s a pleaser. I’m a pleaser, but it’s fifty-fifty.”

Never? NEVER?!? Somebody hold my beer while I faint from the horror of it all. That poor person! I’m happy that Nicki and her friends are holding their own orgasm interventions, but this is exactly the reason A&E needs to dig Intervention out of retirement. People are doing their own interventions at home, and you know they don’t have the experience of Intervention legends Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen. With their limited training, they can’t be doing much more than just presenting the poor orgasmless soul with a half-used Hitachi Magic Wand and a DVD of Magic Mike and asking if they’ll accept the help they’re offering.

Nicki also posed for a couple pictures, and I’ve slipped them after the cut.


Dustin Diamond Has Been Found Not Guilty Of Stabbing That Guy He Stabbed

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Former Child Star.” I guess “Current Life Mess” was too harsh.

After testifying yesterday that he totally didn’t mean to pull a switchblade and stab a 25-year-old guy during a brawl at a Wisconsin bar last Christmas, TMZ says Dustin Diamond has been found not guilty of stabbing that guy. “Oh thank god” bleep-blooped Kevin, who wasn’t sure how he’d get his robot ass back and forth to prison to visit Screech.

According to TMZ, the jury believed Dustin when he said he didn’t mean to stab Casey Smet with his switchblade, so they cleared him of a felony charge of recklessly endangering public safety. Ironically, he’s still very much guilty of recklessly endangering public safety, according to anyone who ran out of their house and projectile vomited into the street after watching his porno.

But Screech isn’t totally off the hook. The jury found him guilty of two misdemeanors: carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, which means he could face up to 9 months in jail. The guy Screech stabbed was found guilty of disorderly conduct and might spend 90 days in jail. Getting stabbed by Screech and going to jail, all because you wanted a blurry cellphone picture of Screech? Damn, I don’t know who needs to get their life (copyright: Tamar Braxton) more in this situation.

Since Dustin Diamond is famous-adjacent and everybody loves that Saved By The Bell shit, my money is on that he’s probably not going to do those 9 months in jail. Then again, if that judge was more of a California Dreams fan, then he might want to call up Mr. Belding and ask him to pack up a duffel bag with a couple pairs of his best wacky pants and inform the world there’s a chance there will be one less messy former child star in it for the next little while.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

The “Zestfully clean!” towel from the Zest commercials.

Every morning, when my body awakens from the wine and pork rinds-induced coma it was put in the night before, the broken down, water-damaged wooden music box I call a brain starts thinking of a song. I usually think of some stupid ass pop song and it lives in my head the entire day. But the other day, I woke up thinking of the Zest jingle, so of course, I had to watch old Zest commercials. That earworm of a jingle made its debut in Zest commercials sometime in the 1980s and they still use it.

In the commercials, overexcited person after overexcited person gets so overexcited about being zestfully clean. Who in the hell is that excited about showering? Actually, I’m sure the tricks who hump on Charlie Sheen are that excited when they wash away his smegma from their bodies with Zest in the shower.

The secret ingredient in Zest must be opiates and these messes must be snorting the foam in the shower, because they are unnaturally happy and exited. You’re not fully high until you’re zestfully high!

The towels were almost as legendary as that damn jingle. I remember that if you sent in a few “proof of purchase” codes from a Zest bar and a few dollars for shipping, they’d sent you a towel. The ones from the 80s and early 90s must be considered precious works of art now and I’m surprised I haven’t read how one was sold for tens of millions of dollars at Sotheby’s.

And you haven’t officially been christened as a child of the 80s until you’ve done the Zestfully clean towel stretch in your bathroom mirror.


Birthday Sluts

May 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Ruta Lee (80)
Kevin Covais (26)
Jennifer Ellison (32)
Devendra Banhart (34)
Remy Ma (34)
CeeLo Green (41)
Idina Menzel (44)
Wynonna Judd (51)
Tom Morello (51)
Mark Sheppard (51)
Tonya Pinkins (53)
Ted McGinley (57)
Jake “The Snake” Roberts (60)
Colm Meaney (62)
Clint Walker (87)

Pic: Ruta Lee


Night Crumbs

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

George Clooney lied to us all when he said that Amal Clooney doesn’t have a stylist. Apparently, she has a secret stylist. It makes sense that her stylist is a “secret” stylist, because would you want to take credit for some of the shit that she wears? – Lainey Gossip

Joe ManJello doesn’t mind it when you objectify him. So objectify away! – Celebitchy

Hello, welcome to the Gladiator Bondage Grill. My name is Hailee Steinfeld and I’ll be your hostess. Allow me to show you to your table.” – Egotastic!

I’m really disappointed that Miley Cyrus hasn’t braided and beaded her armpit hair yet – Drunken Stepfather

Teen Mom Jenelle added another mug shot of beauty to her collection – Reality Tea 

Those rumors about Louis CK being a pervy creep may be true – The Superficial 

Kylie Jenner and Pia Mia are like the mini version of Kim Kartrashian and Parasite HiltonWWTDD

Ricky Martin says that because he’s a dad, he can’t bring a guy home every night. So in other words, he does his dates in the car before going home by himself. Stars, they’re just like us! – Towleroad

The Difficult Brown has feelings – Necole Bitchie

Kendra Wilkinson’s left tit looks like it’s trying to make its escape – Hollywood Tuna 

Joni Mitchell is still in the hospital and is still in a bad way – Jezebel

It’s a ‘channeling Lisa Bonet’ kind of day” thought Vanessa Hudgens before getting dressed – Popoholic

That shit better be a carrot cake – The Berry 

Bob Saget will be in Fuller House. Still no word on how contract negotiations with Mr. Bear are going – Just Jared

Scott Disick wants to get into the business that made Kim Kartrashian a STAH! – ICYDK

And here’s Giuliana Rancic in a bikini – Popsugar

Behold, man ass provided by someone named Christian CookeOMG Blog


Bruce Jenner Will Debut “Her” On The Cover Of Vanity Fair

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I was kind of hoping that Bruce Jenner would publicly debut “Her” at the end of the Balmain fashion show in Paris while stomping to Khia’s “Been The Shit” in a red satin  fuckme dress and exquisite Lucite heels. But that’s not how the unveiling of “Her” is going to happen.

TMZ, People, UsWeekly and a million others who somehow got the news at the same time (So I guess Pimp Mama Kris is still his manager after all) say that Bruce Jenner will present his true identity he refers to as “Her” on the summer cover of Vanity Fair. The cover and shoot will be shot by Annie Leibovitz. Bruce’s issue is expected to come out around the same time as the debut of the E! reality show that documents his transition.

While Kim Kartrashian has been on the cover of Vogue (“Don’t remind us.” – humanity), she has never been on the cover of Vanity Fair. Yes, Bruce! Outsell, Kummy Kakes and show her how to really break the internet.


As Azealia Banks Cackles With Glee Into The Night…..

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Bad news for those of you who really wanted to see a White Chicks Masking Doll burp up freestyles like, “Mobobobo Dididididid lkjalksdfjlakfjldsfal Monks Monks! Fire Fire! Jlasjdflkasdjflka!” It’s not going to happen, because the rillest in the game has just dumped plans for her first arena tour into the trash can along with the remnants of her original nose.

Shit wasn’t looking good for Iggy’s big tour last month when it was postponed. The rumor was that the dates were postponed, because Iggy wasn’t even trying to promote her own tour and wasn’t returning emails. But others reported that the dates were really postponed, because her tickets were selling about as well as Prozac at a Scientology convention. Well, the whole tour, which was supposed to open on September 18 in San Diego, has been scrapped. This email went out to ticketholders:

“The Iggy Azalea Great Escape Tour scheduled for this fall has been cancelled and refunds are available at point of purchase. There will be a new tour planned around Iggy’s new record to be released in 2016 and we apologize for any inconvenience.”

Iggy also confirmed this shit on Twitter.

Iggy is kind of brand new and they were booking her into 18,000 seat arenas and the average ticket price was $167. Many of her shows didn’t require a ticket for kids under the age of 3 and more than half of her fan base are toddlers. How the hell are you going to make money when most of your fans can get in for free? But seriously, whose idea was it for her to play arenas? (SPOILER ALERT: It was probably Iggy’s.) Even a legendary, multi-talented, world-renowned, beloved jewel like Charo would have a hard time selling out 18,000 seat venues on her own. And now I need to buttchug a gallon of liquid Prozac, because I depressed myself by saying that the greatest entertainer alive can’t sell out an arena

Iggy’s nemesis Azealia Banks hasn’t straight up said anything about this on Twitter, but she did tweet one of her lyrics:

Hmmm, I wonder who that is about?


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