Archives: May 2015

Archie Panjabi Pretty Much Confirms What We Already Knew About Her Final Scene On “The Good Wife”

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

As if it wasn’t painfully obvious by Julianna Margulies’Sorry, where am I supposed to be looking?” eyes, Archie Panjabi – aka the person who appears to be sitting beside her at that bar, who also has no idea where the fuck her eye line is – recently spoke about her final scene on The Good Wife and kind-of admitted that, yeah, they definitely didn’t film it together.

I’ve only seen a couple episodes of The Good Wife by accident, thanks to a remote with dying batteries combined with being too lazy to get off the couch and watch something else, but I didn’t have to see the finale last week to know it was a mess. Right away, people started whispering that it looked like Julianne and Archie pulled a green screen switcheroo for and shot their scenes on different days using stand-ins and some cut-and-paste technology. And that would make sense, since there have been rumors going around since Jesus times that those two can’t stand to be in the same room together. On Tuesday, UsWeekly cornered Archie at the premiere of San Andreas and asked her if her final scene with Julianna was bogus, and she burped up this vague answer:

“You know, I can’t answer that. It’s not fair for me to answer those decisions. As much as I want to. But those decisions are made by the producers. I’m not privy to those decisions. All I do know is I’m very grateful to the Kings for making the decision to cast me.”

That’s a lot of words to say “Was it that obvious I was saying my lines to bag of craft service table Cheetos in a wig?

Damn, you know you truly hate someone if you can’t even pretend to drink tequila with them for the sake of collecting a check. Since it was Archie’s last show ever, does that mean they also had two going away parties that they spliced together afterwards? “Don’t touch the cake! We need that for the second group shot.

Here’s Archie Panjabi at the premiere of San Andreas wearing some ‘bank manager on top, Game of Thrones on the bottom’ couture:

Pics: Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Trampoline Dog! 

I’ve posted about Ride or Die bitches before, but here’s a Jump or Die bitch who is so hooked on his human’s love that he soared to new heights (Warning: That may or may not be the last stupid pun I make in this post. You’ve been warned.) to be with him. Meet Paddy, a 4-year-old devoted dog friend, and Thomas McCormack, the human he can’t be without. Thomas from Croy, North Lanarkshire in Scotland tells The Guardian that a quick second after he sat down on the train to begin his commute to work, Paddy strolled on in and took the seat next to him. Thomas was shocked. I would’ve been shocked and exploding with happiness at the same time. First comes my dog learning how to commute to work, next comes my dog learning how to do actual work. Once he figures that out, he can earn our kibble and I can spend the day sleeping and licking my own ass. (“Um, you already do that. It’s called ‘the crap you post on Dlisted.'” – you)

Thomas’ yard is fenced in, so he couldn’t figure out how Paddy got out. Thomas’ neighbors later told him that they watched Paddy use the trampoline to get over the fence. Paddy and Thomas reenacted the thrilling scene in the video below. Yes, it’s perfectly natural to sing the chorus from “Jumpwhile watching this:

I was going to point at Paddy and laugh while saying, “HA! HA! Look at the pussy whipped human’s boy,” but I am not the one to talk. In the 6th grade, I went on a camping trip with my class for a week. About a day into the trip, I started missing my mommy in a serious way and pretended to be sick hoping that my teacher would call my mom to tell her to pick me up. I know, I was way too old for that shit. They told me to take a nap and said they would call my mom if I didn’t feel better. I made a miraculous recovery about an hour later when I learned that we were having fried chicken, tater tots and cherry pie for dinner that night. So I cannot judge Paddy. And yes, I still pull that “I got the sicks so please call my mommy” trick today and yes, I pulled it at a party last week.

(For Brett and Jana S.)

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Birthday Sluts

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Andre 3000 (40)
Chris Colfer (25)
Darin Brooks (31)
Ben Feldman (35)
Jamie Oliver (40)
Jadakiss (40)
Denise Van Outen (41)
Jack McBrayer (42)
Paul Bettany (44)
Joseph Fiennes (45)
Todd Bridges (50)
Adam Carolla (51)
Peri Gilpin (54)
Siouxsie Sioux (58)
Cynthia McFadden (59)
Richard Schiff (60)
Louis Gossett Jr. (79)
Lee Meriwether (80)
Sumner Redstone (92)
Christopher Lee (93)

Pic: The Face

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Night Crumbs

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend Alicia Cargile got into some PDA action while leaving lunch yesterday. At least, I think they’re getting into some PDA stuff. But they look kind of awkward, so Alicia could be doing the sideways Heimlich Maneuver on KStew for all we know – Celebitchy

Phil Collins’ daughter and Captain America are probably not doing it anymore – Lainey Gossip 

Kim Richards was a drunken mess in Mexico and luckily for her, no policía officers were kicked this time around – Reality Tea

Michelle Rodriguez is in a two piece…. – Egotastic! 

So is Bella Thorne…  – The Superficial

And Jessica Alba…. – Popoholic

And Lena Dunham…. – WWTDD

Sadly, Zac Efron isn’t in a two piece – Just Jared

Amy Schumer completed an impossible task. She went on The Bachelorette and didn’t have to get sixty five layers of plastered to get through it – Jezebel

When I think of “finger art,” this is not what I think of, but still, BRAVO! – Hollywood Tuna 

Kim Kartrashian looking like the toilet baby of Courtney Stodden and an alien Real Doll on Vogue BrazilDrunken Stepfather

Luna Lovegood busts out the eradicus spell on the anti-gay Facebook trolls – Towleroad

Everybody working on The Voice hates Xtina and wants her pink-slipped, so says Radar – ICYDK

Edna Mode looks a mess! – Moe Jackson

Rumer Willis dressed in current day Demi Moore cosplay – SOW

The trailer for the Point Break remake that nobody asked for is here – Pajiba

Taylor Swift is letting you know that the life of a millionaire pop star is easy, in case you didn’t know that – HuffPo

Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest is still hungover from Memorial Day. It’ll be back tomorrow.

Pic: FameFlynet 

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Who Hasn’t Tried To Get Out Of An Arrest By Offering To Toss The Cop’s Salad?

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.

The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.

Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.

You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:

1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.

2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.

That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.

Johnny Depp Busts Out Of Australia As They Threaten To Throw His Ass In Jail

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

The Daily Mail has pictures of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard arriving at the Gold Coast Airport where they apparently got on a private jet headed far, far from Australia. Johnny left the day government officials declared in a senate meeting that he could be thrown in jail for 10 years and have to pay a fine up to $340,000 for illegally smuggling in his Yorkies, Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard. HA. I wonder how Boo and Pistol Depp-Heard feel about being at the center of an international incident? They obviously don’t have time to care because they’re too busy taking 300 naps and licking their own assholes.

The Sydney Morning Herald says that Australia really wants to get down to the bottom of how Johnny got Boo and Pistol into the country without officials finding out until a groomer posted a picture of one of them on Facebook. Apparently, a customs official checked the private jet before Johnny, the crew and the rest of the passengers got off. So they’re wondering how he got them in. Did he hide them under his hat?! Probably not, because they would’ve been eaten alive by lice after a few minutes. Did he hide them in his ass? (Cut to Richard Gere making an “I am impressed” face.)  How did he do it?!

Even though Boo and Pistol are back in the US, the investigation is still ongoing. The Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce and officials are taking this HIGHLY IMPORTANT matter very seriously. The pilot of the private jet could also face up to 2 years in the clink.

The Daily Mail says that Johnny went to the US for his daughter’s 16th birthday party. He is expected back in Australia where he’ll continue to shoot that Pirates of the Caribbean shit.

Johnny Depp won’t get 10 seconds in jail, let alone 10 years. But if he does get sentenced to a decade in the chokey for smuggling in some Yorkies named Boo and Pistol, the ground of the earth will be covered in tonsils, because we’ll all laugh them out. Australia is not screwing around and if they really want to get Johnny where it truly hurts, they should punish him by banning him from wearing scarves whenever he’s in their country. To Johnny Depp, that is a punishment worse than death.

Open Post: Hosted By A Double Serving Of Deep Fried Beauty

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

You may have already seen on CNN that Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Brit Brit Spears and Jennifer Lopez have all canceled their Las Vegas residencies and have decided to do residencies in Laughlin, NV instead. Now you know the reason why. They know that if they stay in Vegas, they will be playing to an audience of tumbleweeds and crickets, because everybody will be taking in the glamour, grace and talents of Suzanne Somers!

Suzanne Somers started her residency at the Westgate in Las Vegas on Saturday and her Co-Queen of Palm Springs Barry Manilow came out to be her opening night good luck charm. The camera that was used to take these pictures must be seriously heatproof, because I can’t believe that it didn’t melt from being so close to these bronzer-covered pillars of pure heat. I mean “pillars of pure heat” both figuratively and literally, because I can feel the 500 degree rays shooting off of Suzanne’s body. I wish I had some platanos. I could fry them up real good by laying them on that picture.

And here’s more of Suzanne and Barry proving that beautiful things happen when you hand your plastic surgeon a picture of a Muppet and say, “Give me the Fry Daddy-fied version of that.

Pics: Wenn.com

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The Time That Jim Bob Duggar Said That Anyone Who Commits Incest Should Be Executed

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Since I’ve already farted up posts about Pimp Mama Kris and Bristol Palin, I may as well complete the fame whore trifecta by farting up a post about the Duggars. So here we are.

This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.

In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”

jimbobincest2015

Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.

It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.

I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!

Keira Knightley Is A Mom

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

After months of building a massive collection of whimsical Flower Fairies maternity couture, it looks like Keira Knightley can go ahead and stuff them all in a bag and throw them in the donation bin, because E! says she doesn’t need them anymore. “Multiple sources” have confirmed that Keira Knightley has given birth to the baby that was growing inside her for the past 9 months, which means Keira and her husband James Righton are parents now. I know, this news is nothing unless it’s being sung by Michael Bolton.

Keira isn’t exactly the run-to-the-press fame whore type, so not much is really known about Keira Knightley’s baby just yet. But here’s what I do know: it could be a boy or a girl and it’s most likely under 20lbs. Then again, I probably shouldn’t assume anything, since there’s always a chance she gave birth to a 30lb record-shattering vagina-destroying baby. But for the sake of her down-low parts, let’s all cross our fingers and pray that didn’t happen.

I know I mentioned before that I hoped Keira and James embraced all those ght‘s in their last names and named their kid Dwight Knightley-Righton, but now I want to change my baby name guess. Keira and James both have very fancy British-sounding names, so until I hear otherwise, I choose to believe they named their new baby either Poppy Pippa Paddington, Nigel Fitzcrumpet, Keep Calm Reference, or Corgi Union Jack Marmalade. It’s totally the last one, isn’t it?

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Jonathan Rhys Meyers Wants You To Know He’s Definitely Not Off The Wagon

May 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite photographs showing him looking like the definition of DRUNK that appeared on the internet last week, Jonathan Rhys Meyers would like you to cancel your call to A&E to have Candy Finnigan and the Intervention crew pulled out of retirement, because he’s not nearly as messy as he looks. In case you’ve forgotten, Jonathan used to have a real bad time with the booze, and last week it looked like he and booze had become reacquainted again. But earlier today, Jonathan released a statement via his fianceé Mara Lane’s Instagram account (via Daily Mail) claiming it’s not as bad as it looked:

“Mara and I are thankful for your support and kindness during this time. I apologize for having a minor relapse and hope that people don’t think too badly of me. I stopped drinking immediately and it is no reflection on Damascus Cover [his latest film] as I was not meant to attend Cannes this year and I apologize to fans and colleagues. I am on the mend and thank well wishers and sorry for my disheveled appearance as I was on my way home from a friends and had not changed I feel I made a mistake and feel quite embarrassed but this was just a blip in my recovery otherwise I’m living a healthy life. Love and blessings. #Rebel #Angel”

Maybe it’s because I’m second-hand hammered from looking at those pics of JRM rolling hard on the juice, but “#Rebel #Angel” totally sounds like the name of a party 2-pack from Ed Hardy that comes with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of edible rhinestones.

JRM was stumbling around in the street during the day with his fly open and carrying an open bottle of Smirnoff, which means he can check off three boxes on the “Signs you might need to cool it a bit” list. But that friend of his isn’t off the hook, either. Who lets a friend leave their house that drunk? The open fly alone should have been enough to warrant a couch crashing.

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