I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
Last month, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans apologized for calling Black Widow a slut and a whore during the disastrous and messy press tour for the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Jeremy and Chris were asked by Digital Spy UK what they think about fans wanting Black Widow to hook up with their characters. Grumpy Cat’s face twin said, “I think she’s a slut,” and Chris Evans called her a “complete whore.” After they got dragged through a shit puddle by the Internet and Marvel fans, Jeremy spit out a slightly sarcastic “I’m sooooo sorry” apology:
“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”
Since the Avengers has opened and made a mountain of money, Jeremy can go back to saying whatever the hell he wants. On the same day that Joss Whedon quit Twitter over fans criticizing him for the “sexist” portrayal of Black Widow, Jeremy went on Conan where he threw his previous apology away and continued calling Black Widow a big slut:
“Yeah, I got a lot of Internet trouble. I guess that’s the thing now. I was asked a question, ‘So Black Widow has been linked to Hawkeye, Iron Man, Bruce Banner and Captain America and so what do you think of that.’ I said sounds like she’s a slut. Mind you I was talking about a fictional character and fictional behavior. But if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut. Just saying. I’d be a slut. Just saying.”
I don’t really know the Avengers, but I thought all of the Avengers (except for Captain America who’s a virgin, apparently) did each other, because there’s really nobody else to do? It’s kind of like how on TV shows the characters are always swapping sex partners, because they don’t have a lot of options? But still, boning only four out of six Avengers does not make one a slut. That’s nothing! Jeremy needs to stop saying that, because it’s offensive to us real sluts and it’s probably offensive to Tony Stark who I hear is the real hussy harlot of the Avengers.
And Hawkeye is probably just bitter, because nobody wants to fuck him. Will one of the Avengers please give Hawkeye some pity ass he can stop.
I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.
When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.
But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.
If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.
Since the theme of this year’s Met Gala was basically China? followed by a shrug, Emma Roberts decided the vaguely Chinese elements of her outfit would be a dragon purse that totally reminds me of the seat covers in my high school boyfriend’s car and a pair of chopsticks in her hair. Unfortunately, the internet had a problem with the chopsticks. People says that shortly after Emma posted a picture of her Met Gala hair to Instagram, several people started swatting at her for cultural appropriation. “Uh oh” just whispered every 13-year-old girl from 2002.
People says that none of the comments seemed to stay for very long, but plenty of people on Twitter picked up where Instagram left off. Emma got the message, and she yanked the chopsticks out of her hair before she stepped on the red carpet.
I’d say it was probably a good movie on Emma Roberts’ part to ditch the chopsticks, for two reasons. One, because the last thing you want when you show up to the Met Gala is for those stuck-up bitches on the red carpet to throw you a “Really? Chopsticks? How predictable” eye roll. And two, because everybody knows if you’re going to reuse a popular hair accessory from the early 2000s, it should really be one of those scrunchies made of fake hair.
Here’s a sans-chopsticks Emma arriving at the Met Gala last night, as well as a bunch of other young types. Speaking of things in hair, Selena Gomez put 12lbs of flowers in hers, Zendaya wore a crown, and Justin Bieber showed up with a whole bottle of L’Oreal Kids No More Tangles gel in his.
I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
“Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.
I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.”
Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).
Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.
Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.
Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.
Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.
Guy Fieri got nervous when a higher rated eatery moved in next door. – Truesdale
The dumpster behind the Kardashians’ favorite liposuction clinic. – Froggae
It is Cinco de Mayo, so today’s HSOTD should really be the hungry-ass Arcoiris mascot or the legendary 90s novella Carrusel. But I really need to pay homage to the best Met Gala dress and the only one that really did things to me. (Yes, I’m so hard-up that a soft, pink dick illustration on a damn dress does things to me.)
Just like 90% of the tricks there, FKA Twigs pretty much said, “fuck it,” to the theme. If you’re going to say, “fuck it,” to the theme, then you should at least say “hello” to wearing dick on your dress. Dick makes everything better. FKA Twigs’ stunning cockture gown was made by Christopher Kane and if Christopher Kane made a $20 sweatpants version of that dress, I’d buy several pairs and wear it every day. Peen is timeless and truly goes with everything. Although, FKA Twigs’ promised piece Robert Pattinson doesn’t look amused. I see him making a “Don’t ask to see my pink dick too” face.
I usually can’t with FKA Twigs’ red carpet pose game, because she opens her mouth a little and it makes her look like the Trix Rabbit caught in the headlights. But I didn’t really even notice her stunned bunny face, because all of my attention went to that peen on her thigh. Selfies were supposedly banned at the Met Gala and nobody really followed that rule. I wouldn’t have either. I’d ask FKA Twigs if I could take a selfie with her and if she said yes, I’d drop to my knees, press my cheek against the pank peen on her thigh and say, “Dick cheese!”
Henry Cavill (32)
Hannah Davis (25)
Chris Brown (26)
Skye Sweetnam (27)
Brooke Hogan (27)
Clark Duke (30)
Vanessa Bryant (33)
Danielle Fishel (34)
Craig David (34)
Hank Green (35)
Vincent Kartheiser (36)
Tina Yothers (42)
Kyan Douglas (45)
Kurt Sutter (51)
Brian Williams (56)
Richard E. Grant (58)
Kurt Loder (70)
John Rhys-Davies (71)
Roger Rees (71)
Lance Henriksen (75)
Michael Murphy (77)
Pat Carroll (88)
Note: And to those of you wondering, yes, I accidentally published today’s Birthday Sluts yesterday. If you’re a scientist and currently doing studies on whether or not massive amounts of weed smoke, cheap wine and hours of reality TV eats at your brain, you can stop your study now. You’ve got your answer.