Archives: May 2015

Night Crumbs

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lainey has a blind item about a dude who tried to be slick and took his latest side trick out of the country on a little romantic vacation, but when the media found out where he was, his wife found out. As I wonder who on Earth this could be, I’m sure that couple is calling the paps to schedule a happy family staged photo-op – Lainey Gossip 

Madonna made a joke about Rocco’s penis. And I’m done. – The Superficial 

Cher’s Marc Jacobs ad is giving me “Chad Michaels in The Crucible”Drunken Stepfather

Bruce Jenner is trying to get out of paying the family of the victim in that Malibu car crash – Reality Tea

Chrissy Teigen risked getting a chocha full of sand for Dujour magazine – Egotastic!

Taystee from Orange is the New Black is playing Miss Sofia in the revival of The Color Purple on Broadway. Please tell me that Crazy Eyes is going to play Squeak as Crazy Eyes – Towleroad

You can thank Miley Cyrus for Grace and Frankie getting renewed – WWTDD

Mariah Carey would rather eat out her arch rival JLo than go back to American Idol SOW

Bobbi Kristina Brown is probably going to be on life support forever – ICYDK

You know that ugly eggplant wallpaper your grandma had in her kitchen? Natalie Portman made a dress out of it and wore that dress to a graduation ceremony at Harvard – Popoholic

Speaking of fug, Gigi Hadid’s purse probably cost more than my car, but I swear my mom bought one just like it for $15 at Mervyn’s in the 80s – Hollywood Tuna 

Kate Upton may star in the Harry Potter spin-off movie. If they cast her, they should change the name of the movie to Fantastic Chichis and How To Use Them To Get Cast In MoviesJezebel

Chris Pine may be in the Wonder Woman movie and that’s great and everything, but poke at me when Hollywood wakes the hell up and replaces Gal Gadot with Lynda CarterPajiba

Here’s a cute video of Chris Pratt teaching his son the Pledge of Allegiance and the only way it could be more American is if Laura Jeanne Poon flew by on a bald eagle – The Berry 

You know those Kylie Jenner knocked up rumors you probably didn’t hear about? Kylie Jenner wants you to know they’re not true – HuffPo

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Jeffrey Dean Morgan Went On The Matthew McConaughey Oscar Diet For A TV Mini-Series

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the tall drink of DILF from Grey’s Anatomy and Magic City, is in some History Channel mini-series called Texas Rising (which is probably what Matthew McConaughey says every time he gets a boner) and in it he plays an old-timey gunslinger who has consumption. JDM really wanted to get that “consumption” look so he starved himself. “Pfft, amateur!” said Daniel Day-Lewis who would inject himself with consumption if he played that role.

While selling the mini-series on the fourth hour of Today (via People) with Hoda Kotb and talking box of chardonnay Kathie Lee Gifford, JDM said that he ate a can of tuna a day and that’s it.

“I lost over 40 pounds. He had consumption. I got there and I was probably about 175, I left I was about 135. I ate a can of tuna fish a day. I did it in the most unhealthy way I could. I didn’t consult with a doctor or anything. We had said maybe we should lose, like, 10 pounds and then I just kept going and going. And by the end of the movie I just looked like hell.”

How many calories are in a can of tuna? Like 160? I ingested four times that through my eyes just from looking at pictures of funfetti cakes on Pinterest a second ago. I bet by the time that mini-series finished shooting, JDM was shitting in sand, scratching the couch, wiggling his ass for a Q-tip and trying to nap in bathroom sinks in the middle of a hot day, because eating only tuna turned him into a damn cat.

We’ve all heard of Matthew McConaughey types making their stomachs frown by starving themselves for an Oscar, but for a mini-series on the History Channel?! These crazy actors are eating GOOP-style for Emmys now.

Here’s JDM looking less like death at Cannes a little over a week ago with Eva Green and Hannibal.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By A True Singing Talent

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber and Austin Mahone were both discovered on YouTube and they don’t have 1/10000000000th of the talent, star power and presence this pussy has. A multi-million dollar recording contract better land on that cat’s paws, because it can sing on-key (and without help from auto-tune) and is a master at timing.

This cat’s human uploaded a video of him singing “If You’re Happy And You Know It” in Portuguese with his pussy friend. I know how sneaky some motherfuckers get for the sake of YouTube views, so I watched closely to make sure that nobody was yanking that pussy’s tail to make it meow on cue. I didn’t see any shifty behavior going on. This regular Celine Dion is meowing on its own on cue!

….Or maybe this cat isn’t singing at all. Maybe it’s meowing “stop” in Purrtugeuse, because it’s not happy about its human filming this in portrait mode. I don’t blame the puss.

via VVV

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The Most Recent Couple From “The Bachelor” Have Called It Quits

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.

Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.

Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.

This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.

Even Rick Santorum Is Grossed Out By The Duggars

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Rick Santorum announced on Good Morning America today that he’s going to give the whole” running for president” thing another go. The last time he battled it out in the country’s bitchiest bitch fest, the entire Duggar family endorsed him. If it was legal for children to vote, Rick Santorum would’ve won by a landslide since there’s at least 10 million of those in the Duggar family. But Rick Santorum shouldn’t expect the Duggar women to stitch the words “Santorum Makes My Ovaries Tingle” onto their denim skirts this time around. Because while on GMA this morning, George Stephanopoulos asked Rick Santorum for his thoughts on the molesting pumpkin head and he pretty much spit out a frothy dollop of pure disgust. via Yahoo!

“I was sickened by it. I was just sickened by it,” Santorum, a Christian conservative who had the support of the Duggar family during his first presidential campaign in 2012, said. “I pray for those girls in particular.”

He added: “To have gone through that is … just hard to think about.”

Rick Santorum probably saw the giant load of backlash that splattered against Mike Huckabee’s mug when he raised his Team Duggar sign and said that he was supporting them. So Rick Santorum thought to himself, “Err, just say the opposite of what that other guy said.”

You’d think that since I ran for drama club secretary once (yes, I lost) I’d know a lot about political campaigning. I don’t, but I do know that if you’re a political candidate and someone asks you what you think about a child toucher, you should let them know you’re grossed out by making the hacking up sound a cat makes while heaving up a hairball on a rug. It’s really the only right answer.

And the good news for Rick Santorum is that since the Duggars won’t be following him around on the campaign trail like they did in 2012, he doesn’t have to use brain space on trying to remember all of their goddamn names.

Pic: Flickr

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John Mayer Might Be Helping Katy Perry Write A Revenge Song About Taylor Swift

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.

According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:

“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”

They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.

Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.

Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:

Pics: Wenn.com

The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.

Stephanie March Calls Out Bobby Flay’s Alleged Affair With January Jones In Court Papers

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

While looking for pictures to go with this story about Bobby Flay’s roaming ginger dick, I pulled up this picture just as I bit into a buttered English Muffin. My dog is now enjoying a half-eaten buttered English Muffin, because I long my appetite while picturing Paula Deen’s nooks and crannies fill with freshly churned pussy butter as she got an eyeful of Bobby’s pasty goods.

If there ever was a #getmoneybitch (copyright: the most influential philosopher of our time Khia) tournament of champions, Stephanie March would definitely be in the finals, because she’s been pulling out all the stops in her fight to get more alimony cash out of Bobby Flay. She’s brought their old racehorse into the fight and claimed that he’d be nothing without her palate. InTouch Weekly (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephanie is now bringing the adventures of Bobby Flay’s freckled salchicha into it.

Now For The Time Emilia Clarke Decided Never To Google Herself Ever Again

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.

“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”

Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.

Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.

“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”

Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.

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