Archives: May 2015

Working Together Made Things Messy Between Charlize Theron And Sean Penn

May 6, 2015 / Posted by:

While the world’s top neurologists work tirelessly to find a cure for dickmatization, Charlize Theron continues to baffle everyone by talking about angry mummified hot dog Sean Penn without using the words “I know, I don’t know why either.” Although she did recently admit to Elle UK that things got a bit dramatic with her maybe fiance when they decided to work together. That sound you just heard was every filing cabinet drawer being yanked open to the file marked Surprising, Things Which Are Not.

Charlize and Sean decided to give their relationship the future kiss of death by filming a movie together called The Last Face. Sean Penn is directing Charlize, and it sounds like it’s going about as well as working with Sean Penn would be.

“Putting aside that he’s my partner, he’s the love of my life; for the first time, I felt that my work was really bleeding into my life and that made it hard. There were moments where I was incredibly unfair to him. And moments where I felt like…he was incredibly unfair to me. But it makes you realize that no matter how complicated it gets, the priority is the relationship.”

Now is the time I wish more people wrote tell-alls, because I would 100% read a tell-all from the set of The Last Face. The things that craft services table has seen! I really need to know if any of those “unfair” moments involved shoving a cellphone inside a tuna salad on rye and whipping it at someone’s face.

Here’s more of Charlize looking all ~moody~ in Elle UK:

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Fruit Wheats!

I’ve said this a million times before (I could say that about anything I’ve said before, because I’ve said everything a million times before), but growing up, my mom wouldn’t let us eat any sugary junk food shit and tried to fill our bodies with only healthy stuff. Sometimes I’d want sugary shit so bad that I’d eat spoonfuls of sugar and if I knew that mainlining and snorting the stuff would’ve hit me faster, I would’ve done that. When I’m sitting in the corner of my darkened bedroom with empty Fruit Pie and Three Musketeers wrappers around me and the floor is covered with Thin Mint crumbs and the almonds I spit out while eating Almond Joys (almonds have no business in a junk food binge), I blame my mom for not feeding me trash food as a child.

But every now and again, she would give us sugary deliciousness and sometimes she’d buy us stuff she thought was extra healthy. Case in point: Fruit Wheats! Nabisco Fruit Wheats were exactly what they look like. They were shredded wheat squares that fell in love with a fruit and got bareback fucked by it, which is why it was full of fruit filling.

They were delicious and I didn’t even bother eating them with milk. Why ruin that raw goodness with milk?! Fruit Wheats are no longer with us and there’s other cereals like it out there, but they’re not the same. Besides, none of them have a theme jingle as amazing as this one:

One of the 11 vitamins and minerals in Fruit Wheats was obviously Vitamin E (for Ecstasy), because those people are way too happy.


Birthday Sluts

May 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Gina Riley (54)
Meek Mill (28)
Adrianne Palicki (32)
Gabourey Sidibe (32)
Raquel Zimmermann (32)
Chris Shiflett of Foo Fighters (44)
Edyta Śliwińska (34)
George Clooney (54)
Roma Downey (55)
Tom Bergeron (60)
Lynn Whitfield (62)
Tony Blair (62)
Alan Dale (68)
Bob Seger (70)
Willie Mays (84)


Night Crumbs

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

That Dancer Emoji really needs to get herself a team of lawyers, because yet another famous trick shamelessly stole her look and worked it worse - Lainey Gossip

While scrolling through the billions upon billions upon billions of pictures from the Met Gala, I did tell myself that it doesn’t feel the same without Kristen Stewart looking every layer of miserable – Celebitchy

Diddy’s commercial for 3AM should be banned for the simple fact that he’s in it – The Superficial 

Yolanda Foster is off in Germany looking for a cure for Lyme Disease – Reality Tea

Gay people go to baseball games?!?! – Towleroad

I don’t even have a beard, but this video is still making me want to shave every hour on the hour so this dude never tickle wickle wickles me – Hollywood Tuna

The rapping granny from The Wedding Singer is now smoking a blunt with Tupac in heaven – Jezebel

Lenny Kravitz, come get your daughter and tell her to stop doing shit like this with MileyDrunken Stepfather

And today in: Harpo, Who Dis Woman?Popoholic

THIS BITCH: The Lindsay Lohan Edition – IDLYITW

The creator of Ryan Gosling Won’t Eat His Cereal died recently and Ryan Gosling honored him by finally eating his cereal. I think I need to go to the free clinic tonight, because my eyes are leaking and that has never happened before! – Pajiba

This dog looks like every chick going to a yoga class – The Berry

And just like that, Charlie Sheen has quit Hollywood and has gone to Berlin to live out his dream of being a stock boy at ALDI – OMG Blog

A contestant in a wheelchair won a treadmill from The Price Is Right and I don’t see the big deal. She can still use it the way all people use their treadmills: to hang clothes on – HuffPo

If you were concerned that RiRi’s always-out nipples were suffocating under that 800-pound scrambled egg coat she wore to the Met Gala, don’t worry. She let them free afterward – ICYDK

NEW COUPLE ALERT! We shall call them CooDi or LeoBraJust Jared

Here’s Fergie Ferg’s thumb belly button if you’re into that – Popsugar

Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest’s lazy ass is taking the day off. It’ll be back tomorrow.


Who Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t think Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream could look more delicious until I put it right under a picture of an 80-year-old porn star’s poon.

So far, we’ve got 2 pussies and a Swede in the Hot Slut of the Year finals (Side note: I’d totally watch a show called 2 Pussies and a Swede.) and now it’s time to choose the next Hot Slut of the Month who will battle it out with them. This month is a motley crew of hot fuckery. That picture right there looks like the most fucked-up Pinterest board. As with every month, three of the finalists are the ones with the most Facebook likes and the fourth one is my “wild card” pick.

Here’s your choices and it’s not hard to know which one is the wild card. If they sneeze bronzer, have a drawer in their bathroom filled with nothing but vajazzle tattoos and wear 10 pounds of face paint on a light day, they’re probably the wild card pick.

1. Shirley Andrews – The 80-year-old porn star whose got “Gang Bang Queen” tattooed on her tit.

2. Pazazz, the line of now dead glamorous hair products from the 80s that added a touch of metallic elegance to your locks.

3. Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream  - Crack in a cone.

4. Queen Gina – Lawyer, star of The Real Housewives of Melbourne and the most gorgeous goddess in Australia.

Voting is below. The winner will be announced on Friday. And now I’m off to get some Chocolate Malted Krunch and yes, I’ll think of that picture when I bite into the little white balls.


Chris Brown Is Off The Hook For Allegedly Punching A Dude In Las Vegas

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like one of those 80s neon velcro mitts from HELL, Chris Brown allegedly celebrated being a little over 1 month off probation by Chris Browning a guy in the face during a pickup game of basketball at his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas just before 4 in the morning on Monday. Of course, Fist Brown’s rep denied that he pulled a Fist Brown. The cops threatened to pass the case to the D.A. if he didn’t sign a citation for misdemeanor battery. But now there’s no case to pass, because it’s closed.

TMZ says that the dude who accused Chris Brown of punching him called the LVMPD and told the cops that he doesn’t want to press charges anymore. Chris Brown isn’t walking away with millions of dollars like that other lady beater did for punching another dude in Vegas. But he won’t face charges.

TMZ says the dude who allegedly got punched by Chris didn’t say why he doesn’t want to press charges. Hmmm…. I do wonder why that dude suddenly didn’t want to slap Chris Brown with charges. Could it have something to do with:


Wait, I don’t post nearly enough $ signs there:


There, now you get what I’m trying to say.

Open Post: Hosted By Adrien Brody Spreading Some Smooth Sexiness At The Met Gala

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s only right that I end this Meth Gala madness with a big piece of pucker-inducing, long-faced hotness.

Adrien Brody usually dresses like he’s an alien who just landed on Earth and learned what “hip dressing” is from an International Male catalog dated February 1993. So he truly elevated his style game for the Met Gala last night. While most of the dudes looked like they rented their boring, generic tuxedo 30 minutes before the damn event, Adrien brought sparkle, shine, texture, luxury and opulence to the red carpet. All that embroidery, velvet and satin…. He looks like the bedspread in a gaudy grandma’s guest room.

Adrien is dressed like a cross between a butch Liberace and the glamorous woman in the Grand Prospect Hall commercial. That is the ultimate compliment because they are both fashion icons. HE MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE! Adrien is feeling his look too and wishes he could roll around all over himself. You can tell by the way he’s giving us smolder in the face and pursing his no lips. Either that or he’s got the runs and is squeezing his cheeks hard. Either or.

And here’s more dudes from last night. Save some pucker for Larry David.

Pics:, Splash


Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.

I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF,

Jeremy Renner Still Thinks That Black Widow Is A Slut

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Last month, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans apologized for calling Black Widow a slut and a whore during the disastrous and messy press tour for the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Jeremy and Chris were asked by Digital Spy UK what they think about fans wanting Black Widow to hook up with their characters. Grumpy Cat’s face twin said, “I think she’s a slut,” and Chris Evans called her a “complete whore.” After they got dragged through a shit puddle by the Internet and Marvel fans, Jeremy spit out a slightly sarcastic “I’m sooooo sorry” apology:

“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”

Since the Avengers has opened and made a mountain of money, Jeremy can go back to saying whatever the hell he wants. On the same day that Joss Whedon quit Twitter over fans criticizing him for the “sexist” portrayal of Black Widow, Jeremy went on Conan where he threw his previous apology away and continued calling Black Widow a big slut:

“Yeah, I got a lot of Internet trouble. I guess that’s the thing now. I was asked a question, ‘So Black Widow has been linked to Hawkeye, Iron Man, Bruce Banner and Captain America and so what do you think of that.’ I said sounds like she’s a slut. Mind you I was talking about a fictional character and fictional behavior. But if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut. Just saying. I’d be a slut. Just saying.”

I don’t really know the Avengers, but I thought all of the Avengers (except for Captain America who’s a virgin, apparently) did each other, because there’s really nobody else to do? It’s kind of like how on TV shows the characters are always swapping sex partners, because they don’t have a lot of options? But still, boning only four out of six Avengers does not make one a slut. That’s nothing! Jeremy needs to stop saying that, because it’s offensive to us real sluts and it’s probably offensive to Tony Stark who I hear is the real hussy harlot of the Avengers.

And Hawkeye is probably just bitter, because nobody wants to fuck him. Will one of the Avengers please give Hawkeye some pity ass he can stop.


Here We Have The Wild Fame Whore Pimp, Searching For Her Next Victim

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.

When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.

But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.

If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.

Pics: Getty, Splash,

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