Archives: May 2015

Ian Somerhalder Will Not Be Taking Pictures With You Today. It’s HIS Day.

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You’d think that any Ian Somerhalder fan who is devoted and crazy enough to stand outside of his hotel in Paris would know that May 28th is International Ian Somerhalder Day and on that day, Ian Somerhalder does not take selfies or sign autographs, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday in Paris, Ian and his partner in cheese Nikki Reed walked out of their hotel and straight into a group of fans who wanted a picture with him. Since it was May 28th and his day, Ian Somerhalder dramatically let his fans know in an impassioned speech that he would not be posing with them. If you’re fluent in side-eye reading, then you can clearly see the guy in the black suit and t-shirt saying, “Um, you know you could just take a quick picture with them in the time it’s taking you to give this long ass speech,” with his side-eye

That crying girl… It’s just Ian Somerhalder! It’s not like it’s a legendary Ian like Ian Ziering or anything.

I, for one, love Ian’s anti-Norma Desmond “I am NOT ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille” monologue. With a few changes, it’s the perfect speech to say in many situations. The next time a bill collector calls you, say to them, “You guys, I am not taking a single call from a bill collector today. It is MY day. Don’t call me, please. I love you. You’re so awesome.” Make sure you grab and shake your left titty when you say “MY” so they can really feel the emotion through the phone.

But seriously, if Ian really wanted those fans to leave him alone, he should’ve just said to them, “Hi, everyone, I’m not Zac Efron.” They would’ve said, “Oh shit,” before shuffling away.

Sorry Plastic Surgeons, But George Clooney Has No Plans To Get His Face Done

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with BBC Radio 4 (via UsWeekly), George Clooney confessed that you’ll never see his face pulled tighter than a pair of Spanx across a Kardashian ass because he thinks plastic surgery makes you look busted. Ooh, who’s the hater now? When asked if he’s ever been tempted to dye his hair or inject 50CC’s of medical-grade filler into his 54-year-old forehead lines, he answered:

“Clearly, I haven’t. For me, it isn’t an issue or an option. I don’t think it would make much sense, quite honestly…I’ve seen it happen and…particularly on men, I don’t think it really works well. I actually think it makes you look older.

I will say that there’s nothing fun—and I know for actresses it’s infinitely worse because of public perception based on nothing except studios not hiring them and those sorts of things—but I think for all of us, you have to come to terms with getting older and not trying to fight it.”

Even though studies have shown that most Hollywood types who go under the knife come out looking as fresh as a dew-kissed daisy blossom (see: every gorgeous plastic cat-faced beauty and Real Housewife), George Clooney seems to have this crazy idea that plastic surgery makes you look older. Really? Tell that to these two stunning beauties who I believe are legally allowed to have the word “AGELESS” written as their birth date on their driver’s license.

Regardless, no plastic surgery bills means more money in George’s pocket, and according to Star magazine, all that extra cash has got his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney smacking her lips and rubbing her hands like an old-timey villian while she picks out her best gold-digging shovel. A “source” claims she’s been blowing through $2 million a month and his friends are worried she’s just with him for the cash. Of course, Gossip Cop calls bullshit and that Amal isn’t after George’s Facts of Life residual checks. Well, DUH!  Out of all the 6,039,752 times George has yammered on about Amal, he’s never once mentioned an appetite for wallet humping.

Bennifer 2.0 Is Right On Time

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

As soon as the latest rumors about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage problems made the rounds, we all set our Sweet Secrets Switch Watch for their inevitable damage control strut and well, here they are.

While almost wearing matching ensembles (Didn’t Ben get the memo about wearing his leopard print ballet flats?!), Ben and Jennifer picked up their daughters Violet and Seraphina from school yesterday. Ben Affleck has made it clear that he hates the paparazzi, but well, when the tabloids can’t stop screaming about how you and your wife are living SEPARATE LIVES, you have to show the people that sometimes you’re in the same place by doing a good old-fashioned family photo-op. (Side note: “Living separate lives” is to divorce rumors what “fighting their inner demons” is to rehab rumors.)

OK! Magazine is just one of the tabloids saying that it’s almost the end of Bennifer 2.0. One tea-spilling friend of Jennifer’s said that they just smile through the misery. I thought “smile through the misery” was the tagline of most marriages, but the so-called friend says that they really are miserable:

“Often, when Ben and Jen have a problem, they just agree to ride it out and be miserable together until they can get some time apart. Jennifer has close friends who think that she and Ben are a horrible fit, despite how much he loves being a father to those kids.”

Well, go ahead and drop a thick fart on those divorce rumors, because here they are together. But you know, I bet you didn’t read any of those words, because you were too busy salivating over that Nutella froyo in the poster behind them. Ben and Jen should really get an assistant to scout the scene of a family photo-op and warn them of any possible spotlight-stealers. How are we supposed to clearly see that they’re the portrait of a perfect couple when they’re being upstaged by Nutella froyo? Rookie mistake!

Pics: FameFlynet

When Reese Witherspoon’s Face Says It All…

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Ah, the unwanted piece of soggy white bread in an open-faced attention-yanking sandwich; truly one of the more awkward third wheel situations. If that uncomfortable non-smile on Reese Witherspoon’s face was any tighter, she could pressure-squeeze a dozen lemons and make a batch of lemonade for the thirsty bitches beside her.

Reese reunited with her Cruel Intentions co-stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair last night to watch that Cruel Intentions parody musical that Reese’s kids definitely have no interest in seeing, and SMG and Selma decided to make things weird for Reese by recreating their mouth-humping moment from the movie before the show. That’s nice, but what I really would have loved to see was Sarah Michelle Gellar walk up to a random usher and hiss “I don’t fuck losers.

Honestly though, I can’t really roll my eyes at this, because I love Cruel Intentions and my heart won’t let me. Every time my brain starts to think “Okay you two“, my heart slaps it across its dumb brain face and screams “How DARE you! Show some respect you tacky tramp, that’s bitch legend Kathryn Merteuil you’re talking about.

If only Reese’s drunk alter-ego Laura Jeanne Poon had something to say about all this. No, you’re right – she wouldn’t have to say anything. The dollar bills she’d be throwing at them while cackling “GET IT, GIRL!” would say it all.

Here’s more of Reese, Sarah Michelle, and Selma’s Cruel Intentions mini-reunion last night and thankfully they Instagrammed the hell out of it. I’ve also thrown in a couple pics of Reese Witherspoon subtly hustling a $155 tote bag from DraperJames.com while cruising around Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

Sherri Shepherd Made A Joke About Giving Away One Of Her Kids On “The View”

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Usually when you’ve just gone through a messy public paternity battle with your shady ex-husband over a surrogate baby that you were trying really really hard to get rid of, typically the last thing you’d want to do is make a joke about getting rid of one of your kids on television. However, thinking hasn’t always been Sherri Shepherd’s strongest skill, and when she appeared on The View yesterday, she burped out a joke that made everyone sort of stare at the floor and think “Well, this is awkward.

During the round-table cluck fest that is the Hot Topics segment, Raven-Symoné admitted that she really wants a baby in her life. Sherri, who was back as a guest host because…I have no idea why, responded by saying “Girl, I got one or two you can have of mine.” That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally gleefully whipping out his calculator and trying to figure out just how much child support money he’d make off Raven’s Cosby Show residual checks.

Of course, Sherri realized what she did and started to back-pedal on her joke by blabbering something about how women with kids are always offering up their kids to those without. Meanwhile, Baby Lamar Sally Jr. is already rolling down the street on one of Sherri’s sturdiest wigs glued to a set of roller skates like “Jokes or not, I’m going to live with That’s So Raven.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

John Erik Wagner, the candidate for Prime Minister that utchenmark needs, but doesn’t deserve!

This scalding hot piece of hairless Danish man meat, who looks like he’s starring in a gay porn parody of Crocodile Dundee called Cockodile Dundee, is running as an independent for the Prime Minister of Denmark (more like Prime Beef Minister of Denmark). Future Prime Minister Wagner has ran in all sorts of elections for all sorts of positions (wink wink) for years. You already know that John Erik Wagner has balls, but he wants everyone to know that he’s got dick too. He’s decorated the streets of Copenhagen with posters of him done up like a naked cowboy while serving up a side of uncooked sausage.

Dear US presidential candidates, this is how you run a campaign. What the people really want is a whole lot of dick on your posters. Actually, many of them are giant dicks, so I guess they’ve got that covered.

Reader Deborah dropped this European cowboy into my inbox along with a bio about the only candidate for PM of Denmark I care about. (Okay, he’s technically the only PM of Denmark candidate I know of, but still).

Denmark has an election coming up on June 18 and this man has been trying to get into Parliament forever. Every election he tries something new, so he really needs some support, lol. His name is John Erik Wagner aka the Sheriff from Amager. He’s a local man and works as a tailor when he’s not out trying to get signatures so he can get on the ballot for Parliament. He makes his own cowboy clothes and according to his YouTube account, he has a dog named Dolly Wagner (see youtube links below). A true character but now for the important bit:

He not only dresses like a sheriff, he loves to disrobe and voila, see the attached pictures.
This poster is hanging in public right now and yes, you can see discreet peen.

Thank you for considering Mr. Wagner aka the Sheriff aka Dolly’s dad for Hot slut. It may be the only ticket he ever wins.

So, John Erik Wagner makes cowboy clothes, knows that the way to get votes is with peen AND has a dog named after Dolly Parton? Screw Prime Minister of Denmark. He needs to be Prime Minister of the World!

And after the jump is the uncensored and uncut (pun very much intended) version of John Erik Wagner elegantly flashing a long turkey, sausage and cheese roll-up on his campaign poster. You can’t spell Wagner without W-A-N-G and you definitely can’t spell Prime Minister without P-E-E-N.

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Birthday Sluts

May 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Rebbie Jackson (65)
Gregg Sulkin (23)
Riley Keough (26)
Hornswoggle (29)
Jaslene Gonzalez (29)
Carmelo Anthony (31)
Lavern Cox (31)
Kaycee Stroh (31)
Mel B (40)
David Burtka (40)
Daniel Tosh (40)
Noel Gallagher (48)
Lisa Welchel (52)
Melissa Etheridge (54)
Rupert Everett (56)
Annette Bening (57)
La Toya Jackson (59)
Danny Elfman (62)
Nick Mancuso (67)
Anthony Geary (68)

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Night Crumbs

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Lainey has a blind item about a dude who tried to be slick and took his latest side trick out of the country on a little romantic vacation, but when the media found out where he was, his wife found out. As I wonder who on Earth this could be, I’m sure that couple is calling the paps to schedule a happy family staged photo-op – Lainey Gossip 

Madonna made a joke about Rocco’s penis. And I’m done. – The Superficial 

Cher’s Marc Jacobs ad is giving me “Chad Michaels in The Crucible”Drunken Stepfather

Bruce Jenner is trying to get out of paying the family of the victim in that Malibu car crash – Reality Tea

Chrissy Teigen risked getting a chocha full of sand for Dujour magazine – Egotastic!

Taystee from Orange is the New Black is playing Miss Sofia in the revival of The Color Purple on Broadway. Please tell me that Crazy Eyes is going to play Squeak as Crazy Eyes – Towleroad

You can thank Miley Cyrus for Grace and Frankie getting renewed – WWTDD

Mariah Carey would rather eat out her arch rival JLo than go back to American Idol SOW

Bobbi Kristina Brown is probably going to be on life support forever – ICYDK

You know that ugly eggplant wallpaper your grandma had in her kitchen? Natalie Portman made a dress out of it and wore that dress to a graduation ceremony at Harvard – Popoholic

Speaking of fug, Gigi Hadid’s purse probably cost more than my car, but I swear my mom bought one just like it for $15 at Mervyn’s in the 80s – Hollywood Tuna 

Kate Upton may star in the Harry Potter spin-off movie. If they cast her, they should change the name of the movie to Fantastic Chichis and How To Use Them To Get Cast In MoviesJezebel

Chris Pine may be in the Wonder Woman movie and that’s great and everything, but poke at me when Hollywood wakes the hell up and replaces Gal Gadot with Lynda CarterPajiba

Here’s a cute video of Chris Pratt teaching his son the Pledge of Allegiance and the only way it could be more American is if Laura Jeanne Poon flew by on a bald eagle – The Berry 

You know those Kylie Jenner knocked up rumors you probably didn’t hear about? Kylie Jenner wants you to know they’re not true – HuffPo

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Jeffrey Dean Morgan Went On The Matthew McConaughey Oscar Diet For A TV Mini-Series

May 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the tall drink of DILF from Grey’s Anatomy and Magic City, is in some History Channel mini-series called Texas Rising (which is probably what Matthew McConaughey says every time he gets a boner) and in it he plays an old-timey gunslinger who has consumption. JDM really wanted to get that “consumption” look so he starved himself. “Pfft, amateur!” said Daniel Day-Lewis who would inject himself with consumption if he played that role.

While selling the mini-series on the fourth hour of Today (via People) with Hoda Kotb and talking box of chardonnay Kathie Lee Gifford, JDM said that he ate a can of tuna a day and that’s it.

“I lost over 40 pounds. He had consumption. I got there and I was probably about 175, I left I was about 135. I ate a can of tuna fish a day. I did it in the most unhealthy way I could. I didn’t consult with a doctor or anything. We had said maybe we should lose, like, 10 pounds and then I just kept going and going. And by the end of the movie I just looked like hell.”

How many calories are in a can of tuna? Like 160? I ingested four times that through my eyes just from looking at pictures of funfetti cakes on Pinterest a second ago. I bet by the time that mini-series finished shooting, JDM was shitting in sand, scratching the couch, wiggling his ass for a Q-tip and trying to nap in bathroom sinks in the middle of a hot day, because eating only tuna turned him into a damn cat.

We’ve all heard of Matthew McConaughey types making their stomachs frown by starving themselves for an Oscar, but for a mini-series on the History Channel?! These crazy actors are eating GOOP-style for Emmys now.

Here’s JDM looking less like death at Cannes a little over a week ago with Eva Green and Hannibal.

Pics: Wenn.com

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