Archives: May 2015

The Baby Princess Has A Name

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.

All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.

The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.

And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.

Madonna On That Drake Kiss: “I Kissed A Girl And I Liked It”

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s not stage smoke: that’s dust being excitedly queefed from Madonna’s down-lows after she realized how much attention she could whore out of that kiss with Drake. On Saturday, Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and one of the things she was asked was about that time she mouth humped on an immobilized Wheelchair Jimmy during his set at Coachella. No, the question wasn’t “To whom should I send my therapy bills?”. It was “Is Drake a good kisser?“. Because Madonna is basically the shamelessly bitchy version of The Giving Tree (aka she gives no fucks and only gets shadier with age), she answered:

“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”

And it gets shadier! Later on, Madonna was asked what advice she’d give her younger self knowing what she knows now, and she answered:

“Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”

It all happens around the 2:10 and 7:59 marks. Off topic thought: whatever Vaseline-coated soap opera camera lens they used to shoot Madonna is really working for her face. Even the blur tool in Photoshop is like “How???

Somewhere in The 6, Drake has thrown himself face-first onto a pile of teddy bears and Raptors jerseys and is crying tears of pure maple syrup while he sobs “How could I be so STUPID? Of course she’d kiss and tell! And since when is texting 13 times a night every night for 2 weeks begging?

Poor Drake. You truly are the Taylor Swift of…something something. I don’t know where I was going with that analogy. To be honest, I got a little distracted picturing those delicious maple syrup tears.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The shirtless mess who had to be rescued by the cops after he got stuck in a basketball hoop!

Monday is here again to screw with everybody’s emotions and soul, so here’s the perfect visual metaphor for Monday. Because on Mondays, aren’t we all just a hammer-wielding shirtless crazy dude stuck in a basketball hoop?

KOMO News (via Arbroath) says that last Friday, Seattle police were called to Cal Anderson Park on Capitol Hill to rescue a topless dude from the basketball hoop that wouldn’t let him go. When the police got there, he was hanging by his foot and while trying to get him down, his head got caught too. The Fire Department were called in after 10 minutes of the dude flailing around and officers finally climbed up a ladder and cut him out of the net. The question “BUT  HOW?” hasn’t been answered yet. KOMO doesn’t know how he got stuck in there.

Um, were there reports of strong winds in Florida last week? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if this dude was carried West from his homeland of Florida by a strong wind and he eventually landed in a basketball hoop in Seattle. Because this dude is the epitome of Florida. He should be declared Florida’s Ambassador in Washington.

The Seattle PD says that they haven’t hit the dude with any charges yet, but they may charge him with property destruction.

Here’s the 7 and a half minute-long video from a news helicopter (because THIS IS NEWS) that shows a bunch of police officers standing around while watching the shirtless dude flail around like a piñata full of fuckery:

When I was a little kid, my cousins and I were playing in the backyard and one of them climbed a tall tree and couldn’t get back down. She said she was too scared to climb down. We tried to get her down with a ladder, but that didn’t work. So finally one of my other cousins went to get my abuelita who was the only adult home. When my abuelita came out of the house with a look on her face that clearly said, “You’re interrupting my novella,,” my little cousin climbed down that tree like a squirrel on meth. So it doesn’t take over a dozen police officers and a Fire Department ladder to get down a stuck brat. They should’ve just called in an angry abuelita.

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Birthday Sluts

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Henry Cavill (32)
Hannah Davis (25)
Chris Brown (26)
Adele (27)
Skye Sweetnam (27)
Brooke Hogan (27)
Clark Duke (30)
Vanessa Bryant (33)
Danielle Fishel (34)
Craig David (34)
Hank Green (35)
Vincent Kartheiser (36)
Tina Yothers (42)
Kyan Douglas (45)
Kurt Sutter (51)
Brian Williams (56)
Richard E. Grant (58)
Kurt Loder (70)
John Rhys-Davies (71)
Roger Rees (71)
Lance Henriksen (75)
Michael Murphy (77)
Pat Carroll (88)

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Open Post: Hosted By The Mint Julep In Johnny Weir’s Rose Mohawk

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t even know why the Kentucky Derby went on. They should’ve canceled that shit and sent all the horses home as soon as Johnny Weir sashayed onto the red carpet looking like this, because he clearly won the night. Johnny made b-hole lips pucker themselves into a frenzy when he showed up to that Derby shit on Friday night in rich old man pajamas from the 1920s, Liberace’s favorite newspaper-picking-up slippers and a flower mohawk hat that looks like a rose bush after a drunk bitch dropped their cocktail in it while stumbling out of the party.

Part of me thinks that the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice didn’t specifically wear this ensemble for the Kentucky Derby. It’s kind of butch and low-key for him. I don’t see one piece of sequins or a feather or a lace ruffle. This is like Casual Friday Johnny Weir. I bet he was at the grocery store when he got the call to get on a plane to Kentucky because the Derby desperately needed a huge injection of his glittery brand of glamour. Johnny Wear at his most casual is still a million times more glamorous that any average ho at their most glamorous. And I wonder how many drunk tricks he had to knee because they kept trying to drink his hat?

And here’s the parade of bright shining A-list stars at the Kentucky Derby. Anna Nicole’s daughter was there to remind us all that we’re really, really old.

Pic: Splash

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And Here’s The Cast Of Suicide Squad In Full Suicide Squad Drag

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

We’ve already seen Jared Leto looking like a cracked out Juggalo as The Joker and tonight the director of Suicide Squad, David Ayers, queefed up a picture of the entire squad in costume. From left to right: Adam Beach as Slipknot, Jai Courtney as Boomerang, Karen Fukuhara as Katara, Cara Delawhatever as Enchantress, Joel Kinnaman as Rick Flagg, Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, Will Smith as Deadshot, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Killer Croc and Jay Hernandez as El Diablo. Click here to see that shit bigger.

They look like a group of friends who dressed up in Suicide Squad cosplay for Comic-Con, but did it on a budget and bought all their outfits at Hot Topic and Party City. But Jai Courtney is doing it for me. He’s throwing the kind of dirty come hither look that a down low gay would throw while trolling for ass in the park and I’m into it.

Also, I’m pretty sure that I once bought Ecstasy from Harley Quinn at a rave in Downtown L.A. in 1998.

harleyquinnsuicidesquad

And it turned out to be bunk! Bitch owes me $20!

The Duggars May Have Faked A Charity Moment For The Cameras

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

 

Put on a helmet and brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you will blow your mind and I don’t want you to spend your Sunday night scraping pieces of your blown mind off of the ceiling and wall. Are you ready? Reality TV is fake. Commencing mind blowing!

Some eyewitness type tells Radar that even those wholesome, do-gooding Duggars are committing the sin of lying by faking shit for storylines. Last month, the Duggars announced on Twitter that they were giving away free food to needy families at the Compassion Center in Springdale, Arkansas. They tweeted the day and time and when that day and time came, nobody showed up. I guess need families in Springdale don’t use Twitter, because not one person was in line. TLC’s cameras were there to shoot the act of charity, but there was no act of charity to shoot since no needy families came. You’d think that Michelle Duggar would think fast and say to one of her married kids, “Get knocked up now, because we need a storyline.” But instead of doing that, a producer for 19 Kids and Counting decided to stage the charity scene.

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Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Are Over

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.

Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:

“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”

Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”

Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:

“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”

This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.

In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.

While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.

I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.

And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).

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