The Porn Iguana Sex Tape That Everyone Has Been Waiting For Is Coming

April 28, 2015 / Posted by:

And by “everyone” I mean the sucio tricks who regularly check YouTube for iguana mating videos.

Ever since all-natural pristine dew drop Courtney Stodden turned 18, everyone has been waiting for her clearance section Dina Lohan of a mom and her ICP out-of-makeup-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison to pimp her out in porn. Well, it took two years, but they finally did it. A “source” tells TMZ that the 20-year-old Porn Iguana shot a tape of her finger banging her lizard twat and the video is currently being peddled to the highest bidder. A story about a fame whore making a sex tape isn’t complete without humanized dried cum stain Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment piping in, so of course he told TMZ that he’s seen it and it’s “unique.”

Hirsch confirms he’s already seen the video, and reveals it’s a solo effort (think Octomom, but hotter) — sorry, Doug Hutchison fans. He also says the DD photo op queen “looks amazing, this is the most unique footage I’ve ever seen.”

As for whether Vivid’s bidding on the tape — Hirsch wouldn’t tip his hand.

Is “unique” porn hype talk for “really fucking boring“? “Unique” could mean so many things. Does the Porn Iguana fuck herself with a celery stalk before nibbling on it? Does she do herself with a dildo while singing a porn remix of her pop masterpiece “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl” called “Please Put It In Me, Girl”? Or does she do something truly shocking like read a few chapters of War and Peace while sipping lavender tea?

I’m just grateful that Doug Hutchison isn’t in it. If he was, I’d have to watch it and I’m gross enough to find a way to fap to that. Afterward, I’d have to sit at the bottom of an extra long  Silkwood Shower to wash away the image of him slamming his Silly Putty slug body against her Real Doll body. And we’re in a drought! So I thank the Porn Iguana for not going there, yet.

And if Marilyn Monroe hasn’t done her grave rolling exercises today, here’s a few pictures from Courtney’s Instagram that will inspire her to do so:

Pics: Wenn.com, Instagram

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