Jay Z Wants You To Know That Tidal Is Great And It’s Totally Not A Huge Disaster

April 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even his best buddy Kanye West is like “Sure, Jan Z.” To fight off the rumors that his new music-streaming service Tidal is a giant steaming pile of FAIL, Jay Z went on Twitter to explain in a long-ass rant that everything is fine and Tidal is great and don’t pay any attention to whatever you’ve heard, because it’s all lies. Jay Z created the hashtag #TidalFacts, but he really should have called it #TidalDothProtestTooMuch, because 15 tweets about how your company isn’t a huge mess is a lot of tweets.

Since your index finger will no doubt cramp up after scrolling thought that many tweets, and a finger injury could have a negative effect on your sex life/canned frosting-eating life, I’ve compiled them all into one single thought.

“Tidal is doing just fine. We have over 770,000 subs. We have been in business less than one month. The iTunes Store wasn’t built in a day. It took Spotify 9 years to be successful…We are here for the long haul. Please give us a chance to grow & get better. There are many big companies that are spending millions on a smear campaign. We are not anti-anyone, we are pro-artist & fan. We made Tidal for fans. We have more than just music. We have video, exclusive concerts, tickets for events early, live sports!…Tidal is where artists can give their fans more without the middlemen. Indie artists who want to work directly w/ us keep 100% of their music. “If you don’t want the CEOs all in the videos” haa.

Tidal pays 75% royalty rate to ALL artists, writers and producers – not just the founding members on stage. Rich getting richer? Equity values… YouTube $390 billion. Apple $760 billion. Spotify $8 billion. Tidal $60 million. My cousin just moved to Nigeria to discover new talent. Tidal is a global company. We have Tidal X – it supports artists by giving them a platform to connect with their most loyal fans. Tidal is for all. Our actions will speak louder than words. We made Tidal to bring people the best experiences…and to help artists give that to their fans over and over again…We are human (even Daft Punk ha). We aren’t perfect – but we are determined.”

I took out all the #TidalFacts, because after you read #TidalFacts more than 3 times, it starts to sound like “TieDyeFucks“, and teasing you with the fap-slappin’ image of an aging hippie dude with stoned fuck-me eyes rubbing matted pube patches with a horny Grateful Dead bear and not following through just wouldn’t be fair (trust me, I checked, and that doesn’t exist).

Jay Z has a lot to say about Tidal, and yet all of it is giving me a major case of the ????‘s. I know people like to joke about Jay Z and Beyonce being King and Queen of the Illuminati or whatever, but that part about big companies spending millions on a smear campaign was some next-level tinfoil hat fuckery.

Or maybe it’s not? Maybe there really is a Tidal smear campaign, and it’s secretly the work of knee-high Illuminati mastermind Blue Ivy. Maybe that “big company” is actually a shady underground business called Crawlspace Inc. that she created with Aunty Basement Baby in an attempt to stop her father from blowing any more of her inheritance on Tidal. The only thing I can’t figure out is where they got “several millions” from to invest in a smear campaign; everybody knows the only currency used in the basement is moth balls.

(via Fast Company)

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