If that cover line is true and Taylor Swift really was the guest editor, then I need to know what that sex move they “literally cannot get over” is. I bet it’s sex without a post-coital strawberry ice cream sundae. “Oh my gosh-ness, can you even imagine? That’s almost as raunchy as s-e-x with the lights on!” giggles Tay Tay, before apologizing for using such lewd language.
Crown Princess Butterscotch of The People’s Democratic Republic of Sunshine started whining during a recent interview with Glamour UK that even though she’s in a good place and has tons of friends and friendship friendship bla bla bla, she’s still haunted by her past reputation that she’s a boy-crazy stage-5 clinger who gets wet at the mere thought of his n’ hers embroidered towels. A reputation she thinks was invented by the media who is just, like, sooooo obsessed with her. Gawd, the media, stop being such a jealous hater!
“Yeah, I do feel jaded about relationships, to be honest. I think the media has sent me a really unfair message over the past couple of years, which is that I’m not allowed to date for excitement, or fun, or new experiences or learning lessons. I’m only allowed to date if it’s for a lasting, multiple-year relationship. Otherwise I’m a, quote, ‘serial dater’. Or, quote, ‘boy crazy’. The narrative has been so wrong, every time it was the same. It’s ‘Taylor spotted talking to this guy, she’s chasing him.’ They create a beginning to the story that didn’t happen most of the time, so then they have to create an ending.
So they always go to the same fabricated ending that every other tabloid has used in my story, which is, ‘She got too clingy’, or ‘Taylor has too many emotions, she scared him away’. Which has honestly never been the reason for any of my break-ups. You know what has been the reason? The media. You take something very fragile, like trying to get to know someone, and it feels like walking out into the middle of a gladiator arena with someone you’ve just met. And all of a sudden the public and the media are allowed to say thumbs up or thumbs down. So I just don’t try it any more.”
Tay Tay then added that she still feels sad thoughts whenever some people (aka the Janis and Janis Jr. to Taylor’s Regina George) joke about her never-ending thirst for bearding contracts and PR relationships:
“It’s kind of a sad way I got there, though, being shamed into it. Well, what else is it when you have two boyfriends in one year and everyone’s calling you boy crazy, making jokes about you at awards shows? That’s public humiliation. And I don’t think it’s fair.”
“Public humiliation” – how dramatic! Anyone who’s ever accidentally peed their Spanx at a wedding or gotten caught giving what looks like a lazy over-the-pants hand job on the Kiss Cam at a baseball game (I was going for peanuts!) just shot her several ounces of side-eye.
She then went on to name drop her current favorite members of her Rich Girl Crew. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten that she’s all about friendship now:
“I feel really lucky to have about ten friends, like Karlie [Kloss] and Lena [Dunham] and Selena [Gomez].”
“Karlie, Lena, Selena…I don’t see my name. I bet I need glasses. That’s it…I can’t see my name because I need glasses…” said Taylor Swift Fan Club Vice President Jaime King, as she started nervously hyperventilating into a paper bag.
Here’s Tay Tay working some stuck-up Manhattan fashion teen realness in Glamour UK, because I guess all her 60s snobby sorority girl dresses were getting re-vintaged.