Ariana Grande Latte Is A Cold, Calculated Breaker Of Hearts

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.

When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.

A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:

1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.

2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.

3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.

What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?

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