It’s that time of year again when I look at People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful So And So” of the year and furiously do a Google search to make sure that Shauna Sand, Phoebe Price, Bai Ling, Micaela Schäfer, Grace Jones, Detective La Toya Jackson, Joan Collins, Peaches and Cream Barbie, Rojo Caliente, Betty White, Bella Mia and Jocelyn Wildenstein are still alive. Because obviously the title winner won by default after all those stunning beauties died. But then I remembered that the title winner is just the client of the publicists who won a shank fight against other publicists in People’s break room.
People named Sandra Bullock as their most Beautiful Woman IN DA WORLD for 2015. But you know, Sandra Bullock’s publicists shouldn’t totally pat themselves on the taint for a job well done, because I’m surprised she hasn’t been on this cover before. I thought this cover was from 1997.
Sandra told People that she laughed when she found out they “chose” her and I’m guessing she laughed because she couldn’t believe that her publicists actually beat ScarJo’s publicists in a knife fight.
Despite being in “princess mode” while shooting for this year’s cover story, Bullock, 50, insists she just laughed when she heard about the honor. “No, really. I just said, ‘That’s ridiculous,’ ” she tells PEOPLE. “I’ve told no one.”
“Real beauty is quiet. Especially in this town, it’s just so hard not to say, ‘Oh, I need to look like that,’ ” she explains. “No, be a good person, be a good mom, do a good job with the lunch, let someone cut in front of you who looks like they’re in a bigger hurry. The people I find most beautiful are the ones who aren’t trying.”
Choosing Sandy B makes sense, but damn they did her wrong with that Photoshopped cover picture. They made her look like a pore-less witch who is coming for your soul.
Some of the other Beautiful Woman according to People are Cookie Lyon, Vanessa Hudgens, Tracee Ellis Ross, Gabrielle Union, Ariana Grande Latte, Laverne Cox, Padma Lakshmi, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Gigi Hadid and the Digger wimmuns. People probably put the Dugger women in there, because the Duggars promised to give them the EXCLUSIVE for all their pregnancy news and that will keep People around for the rest of eternity. Putting the Duggars in the issue also makes sense, because in the future People Magazine will change its name to Duggar Magazine sine they’ll be the only people left on this planet.
People gave the Duggar women “makeovers” for the issue and they really fucked up Michelle Duggar:
Every bottle of White Rain hairspray and every can of AquaNet just fell off the shelf, because People completely sucked the 80s hair spray glamour out of Michelle’s hair. They made her look like a Chico’s account executive who is only wearing Chico’s because she has to. Michelle Duggar is having a Chico’s kind of day in that picture and I don’t like it.
And since we’re on the subject of beauty, here’s Dlisted Most Beautiful Woman, Man, Human, Wax Figure and Swan of 2015, Harald Glööckler, at the opening of his art exhibit in Berlin last Saturday.