When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.
The dreadful summary via Deadline:
In Fuller House, the adventures that began in 1987 on Full House continue, with veterinarian D.J. Tanner-Fuller (Cameron-Bure) pregnant and recently widowed, living in San Francisco. D.J.’s younger sister/aspiring musician Stephanie Tanner (Sweetin) and D.J.’s lifelong best friend/fellow single mother Kimmy Gibbler (Barber), along with Kimmy’s feisty teenage daughter Ramona, all move in to help take care of D.J.’s two boys — the rebellious 12-year-old J.D. and neurotic 7-year-old Max — and her soon-to-arrive baby.
D.J.’s last name is Fuller and the name of the show is Fuller House. Get it, get it? That is just the ugh cherry on top of this ugh sundae of barfs. I mean, D.J. is a knocked up widow who didn’t marry and make babies with Steve. Kimmy Gibbler is a single mom with a “feisty” teenage daughter instead of a high-powered butch lesbian banana clip mogul. And Stephanie Tanner is an “aspiring musician” instead of Jesse Pinkman’s protégée. I know I should’ve expected this, but this sounds like a mess. Everywhere you look you’ll find me throwing a “not impressed” face at that summary.
John Stamos, who will produce this mess, was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night where he said that the show will come back with a 1-hour reunion special followed by episodes of Fuller House. John will guest star and he says they’re talking to all of the show’s original cast members about coming back for the reunion special. Good luck with getting the Trollsens. When John Stamos says to them, “So, Trollsens, we want you back for the Full House reunion special,” this will be their response:
I really hope that at the end of Fuller House, we find out that D.J.’s husband faked his death because he needed to get away from her annoying ass and he’s been living in an apartment in San Jose where his true love Kimmy Gibbler visits him every other weekend. The show will end with Kimmy saying to D.J., “Your man is alive and I’m fucking him, bitch,” followed by Stephanie saying, “How rude!” That’s the only good that can come from Fuller House (besides the return of Kimmy Gibbler, of course).
And here’s Candace Cameron-Bure with her ice cream dandy-ass looking husband at the premiere of Duck Commander Musical (aka the Duck Dynasty musical) in Las Vegas last week. None of that sentence makes sense and at that same time everything in that sentence makes sense.