Sofia Vergara Wants To Keep Those Frozen Embryos She Made With Nick Loeb Frozen Forever

Warning: my only knowledge of freezing human stuff comes from Austin Powers, so please prepare yourself by drinking an extra-large mug of Throat Coat tea. You’re going to need it when you bust your vocal cords from repeatedly shouting “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT FREEZING IS, YOU MAPLE-DIPPED DUMBASS!”

Earlier this week, we found out that Sofia Vergara’s ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb was suing her over a bunch of frozen embryos they made while they were still together. It was a pretty messy lawsuit; Nick still wanted to make a baby using their embryos and was alleging that Sofia wanted to dump them in the trash. It was all very Not Without My Embryocicles. Now Sofia is getting out her plastic fly swatter and swatting at Nick’s claims that she’s an embryo destroying monster, while also getting in a little subtle shade. Sofia’s lawyer (no, it’s not Mitchell Prittchett) tells People:

“The claims made against Sofia Vergara by Nick Loeb are uncredible and hold no merit. Vergara has never wanted to destroy her embryos. Vergara has never suggested that she wished to have the embryos destroyed. She has always maintained that they be kept frozen, a fact of which Loeb and his counsel have always been aware, despite Loeb’s statements to the contrary. Vergara, who has happily moved on with her life, is content to leave the embryos frozen indefinitely as she has no desire to have children with her ex, which should be understandable given the circumstances.”

Her lawyer goes on to say that no action can be taken in regards to the embryos unless both parties consent to it, which means they’re probably going to be on ice forever. Of course, there’s always a chance Sofia might change her mind and decide to make a baby with Nick, but something tells me Satan has a better chance of getting frostbite on the tip of his dick than that being something that happens.