Just a few weeks after thousands of dog ear drums burst and garage door openers exploded from the high-pitched sound of the Directioners wailing over the hot one leaving the group of hollering twinks in skinny jeans that is One Direction, the hot one made his solo red carpet debut (Yes, I punched myself for typing “solo red carpet debut“) with his mom at the 5th Asian Awards in London tonight. Zayn Malik took a page out of Justin Timberlake’s post-boy band playbook by shaving all of the twinks right out of his hair, because pomade-covered big hair equals boy band and a shaved head equals serious solo artist, or something. Zayn’s shaved head is giving me three things:
1. Shaved head Britney with a beard and wild Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows.
2. The title character in Hitman if Hitman was an after-school special on Nickelodeon.
3. The look that every stoner works the day after their job announces mandatory drug testing.
If you’re in the London area and see a bunch of deranged chicks checking the dumpsters around every barber shop, don’t worry. They’re just looking for Zayn’s shaved-off locks. They want to make a crotch wig or mold a hairy dildo out of his locks. That’s all!