Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Florida police were called to Michael and Kate’s house last night around 7:00pm, where they found Kate – who has only been out of jail for about 7 months – being a sloppy disaster. They say her eyes were glossy and red and her speech was all slurry. They also say she was ranting about Michael cheating on her and accused him of choking her out. Cops say they checked her out and she had no visible injuries, so she then started scratching at her throat to make some. That’s when they drove her drunk ass to the police station and booked her for battery.
Here’s where it gets really messy. I know that’s hard to believe, but try to keep up. Michael Lohan is blaming this whole dramatic drunken scratch fight on Dina Lohan. Dina is trying to snatch $16,000 worth of unpaid child support cash from him, and he claims all the stress has led Kate to start drinking again. Oh my lord, a messy three-way money fight between Dina, Michael, and Kate? Somewhere in a private VIP booth at Club Le Shameless, Dr. Phil’s mouth just started watering.
I CAN’T with everything about this story, but especially the part about Michael dragging Dina into it. What did that wine-drunk bleached dandelion ever do to deserve this? Just give Dina her $16,000 so she can buy her year’s supply of fried hair extensions and boxed “mer-lottie” and get back to her all-day couch naps. Dina doesn’t deserve this!
And because a story about America’s Royal Family of Fuckery isn’t complete without a few glamour shots of their princess, here’s the Apricot Ashtray strolling around London a few days ago with a friend:
Pics: Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office, Wenn.com