WikiLeaks gathered us all around the Christmas tree yesterday and gave us the gift of thousands of emails from the Sony Hack that the government says North Korea was behind. WikiLeaks said they dropped all of the emails in a database on their site for the public to see, because the original archives were not searchable and so reporters were barely able to scratch the surface. Julian Assange said that this shit is extremely newsworthy and should be in the public domain. So they put all of the emails in a searchable database. It’s like Google’s gossiping auntie. WikiLeaks didn’t just spill the tea, they tipped over an entire Celestial Seasonings factory. Sony, of course, is spitting on WikiLeaks for bringing their private emails out in the open.
You have to bring your Detective La Toya-brand magnifying glass out when searching the database, because former Sony co-chair Amy Pascal and the other head tricks of Sony subscribed to nearly every trade out there. When you type in a name like “Katherine Heigl,” you get tons of articles from Variety and sadly, not much shit on her. Strangely enough, when I typed in “Phoebe Price,” I didn’t get anything. I thought I’d get email after email of Amy Pascal praising Phoebe Price as an undiscovered freckled gem and suggesting that Sony uses all their resources to make a Lucille Ball biopic starring her. There must be a glitch in the system somewhere.
I searched through that database last night and trolled the Internet for stuff others found and I didn’t come across anything as beautifully cunty as “minimally talented spoiled brat,” but there are a few gems here and there:
On asking Lady GaGa to be on the Spider-Man soundtrack: I think gaga might be too lame after die antwoord made fun of he in the video.
Alyssa Milano’s husband (he’s an agent at CAA) on Olivia Munn and Johnny Depp: She’s not!!! She just played opposite Depp and he’s like 100!
On how Harry Styles is the slow one of One Direction: In one email, Harry was apparently branded “adorably slow”, while another seemed to intimate that the preferred “image” for Zayn was as a “player”.
On who they want for the Barbie movie: Loved it as well. Margot Robbie is a good idea. I like Amy Adams more than Wiig – more marketing bang there. Wiig is funny but can seem a bit sad/pathetic while Amy is entirely endearing.
Cameron Crowe talking about Bradley Cooper and Emma Stone to Amy Pascal: Frankly Bradley is such an odd bird getting him right is tricky but he’s fine now so lets just let him cook where he is and take care of our girl… And her nuances … Little moves on her are huge as u know.
Cameron Crowe throwing a little shade at Bill Murray in an email to Amy Pascal: But our acting is better here all around, so we can hopefully get everything. Frankly, we have great options on all the performances except Bill Murray… who is pretty much what you saw.
Amy’s response to someone slobbering on and on about Rita Ora: Do u know her
That someone still slobbering on and on about Rita Ora: Harvey is a massive fan of hers.
The president of Rossi Films pitching a Pretty Woman sequel to Amy Pascal: Touchstone, a division of Disney, did the original “Pretty Women” and made fortune. We have a screenplay that takes the daughter from the original character and plants her in the middle of Hollywood with no money at all. We are going after Bella Thorne for the lead and Lindsay Lohan, as the sidekick. Supporting is Ryan Gosling and Justine Timberlake.
JUSTINE!!! I’m so glad they thought of her. She’s my favorite Timberlake. And finally this:
Amy on The Alien Lizard King: Benedict cum batch wants to play bowie
That note is equal parts hilarious and terrifying. I think I’d rather see an actual cum batch as Bowie than the Alien Lizard King who fell to earth.
And scratch what I said about it being Christmas. I searched “peen” and got a whole lot of nothing.
Here’s Cum Batch and Bill Murray at the 2015 Laureus World Sports Awards in Shanghai on Wednesday night.