You’ll Never Ever Believe This, But Hillary Clinton Is Running For President

In a development that’s about as shocking as the time I came out as a full-fledged peen lover to my cousins, Hillary Clinton announced today that she will once again pull her hair back and dip her glue-covered fists in broken glass to battle bitches for the title of President of the United States. Hillary made the announcement in the Mojave Tent at Coachella while wearing a crown of Scrunchies and banana clips, cut-off coochie cutters, a fringed vest and while throwing a side-eye on Bill Clinton who kept trying to grind on one of the Jenners. No, Hillary announced that she’s running in an e-mail sent to donors and in this video that I thought was some kind of cereal commercial until she finally popped up at around the 1:34 mark:

Hillary is going to start campaigning right away and she’s already made plans to meet with voters in Iowa and New Hampshire. The Guardian says that a quick second after Hillary announced that she’s running, Jeb Bush, who hasn’t officially entered the game yet, e-mailed his donors and let them know that it’s going to be a fight, but they’re going to take her down. So in other words, Jeb Bush is totally going to TP Hillary’s house tonight.

And Kate McKinnon should go ahead and surgically attach her Hillary Clinton wig to her head, because she’s not going to take it off for a while.