If you look at Jon Hamm and think to yourself that’s definitely the face of an asshole who abused balls with a hammer and terrorized b-holes with severe wedgie torture in the early 90s, then you’re strangely specific and probably right. That’s if you believe what Star Magazine has given us.
Star (via The Daily Mail) says that long before newly sober Jon Hamm was setting panties on fire with his smolder and bruising eyeballs with his Hammaconda bulge, he was literally setting pants on fire and bruising nalgas with a paddle. Star found documents from 1990 that paint Jon Hamm as a piece of shit frat douche and not in the sexy gay porn kind of way either. When Jon Hamm (seen above as a senior in high school) was a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin, he was charged with assault after a frat pledge accused him of all sorts of violence. The pledge, who was 21 at the time, told police that when he showed up at the Sigma Nu house at 2:30 on a November morning in 1990, a 20-year-old Jon Hamm warned him that it was going to be a long night. Again, that may sound like the start of a sexy gay orgy porn, but it’s not. The pledge says that Jon and his fellow frat douches terrorized him for almost two hours.
The pledge claims all of this happened:
– Jon and his frat bros hit the pledge in the ass with a paddle 30 times. They also nearly rubbed the pledge’s asshole off by picking him up by the underwear before “pulling it back and forth in a sawing motion.”
– The pledge was forced to go down to the basement where Jon allegedly slammed his face against the floor and stood on his back while he did push-ups. Jon set the pledge’s pants on fire and wouldn’t let him pat out the flames. Jon eventually let the guy blow out the fire before it burned his crotch off.
– The pledge was then taken to a part of the frat house called the “Party Room” (What in Fifty Shades of Sigma No HELL?) where he claims Jon hooked the claw part of a hammer underneath his balls and led him around the room.
Eventually, Jon and his frat douches let the pledge go and did the same thing to another dude that morning. The pledge went back to his room and hid in the closet. He was later found by his mother with bruises all over his legs and butt. He was too terrified to report it to the police, but his mom did it anyway. Three members of Sigma Nu were sentenced to 30 days in the clink and the fraternity was shut down (but it was later reopened). The police issued a warrant for Jon Hamm’s arrest in 1992, but the charges were dropped in 1995 after he reached a plea deal.
The lesson to be learned here is that sometimes big dicks are attached to big dicks.
Jon Hamm hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure his people are already working on a statement where he’ll say that this happened a lifetime ago and he’s totally different person now, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or Jon Hamm will say that his real name isn’t Jon Hamm. His real name is Dick Whitman. He took over Jon Hamm’s identity 20 years ago, which was 5 years after the real Jon Hamm did all that gross hazing stuff.
The Hammaconda will also issue its own statement saying that it had nothing to do with the disgusting actions of a 20-year-old Jon Hamm, because they are two different people. No, really, they have a different heart, brain, nervous system and everything.