Johnny Depp And Amber Heard’s 2-Month-Old Marriage Might Already Be In The Gutter

April 9, 2015 / Posted by:

I was going to say that if you bet “2 months” in your “When Are Johnny Depp and Amber Heard going to start having marriage problems?” office pool, get ready to collect, but nobody bet 2 months. Most people probably bet “a week or whenever they sober up, whichever comes first.”

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard barely got married in February and an inside source tells InTouch Weekly (I know, I KNOW, saying an “inside source tells InTouchWeekly” is like saying “Brian Williams tells Lindsay Lohan...”) that their marriage is already lying in a shallow grave. Shortly after BerJohnny’s wedding on his private island, he went off to Australia to shoot the 5 millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie and she went off to London to shoot The Danish Girl. The source says that Amber and Johnny don’t really talk and when they do, they fight over his partying ways. Filming was stopped on Pirates after Johnny jacked up his hand and Woman’s Day claims he jacked it up during a drunken bender. Johnny apparently promised Amber that he’d cut down on the sweet nectar, but he hasn’t, so she’s sick of his drinking and broken promises. If “Drinking and Broken Promises” isn’t the name of a sad country song, then I am disappointed in country music. The source went on to say this:

“They’re barely talking. Amber is constantly worried about him. He’ll go days without calling or texting her. She has made several frantic calls to the set of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales’ looking for Johnny. He parties and it’s caused huge fights with Amber. It’s been hard for them.”

Wait, so they don’t really talk and haven’t seen each other’s faces, yet they’re having marriage problems? That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t believe it. They’re lying! I thought that “communication” and by that I mean “don’t fucking communicate with me unless you have to” was one of the keys to a long-lasting marriage? The other key is: When the bathroom door is closed, do not knock on it, because I’m probably fapping to porn on my iPad and I’ll be pissed if you interrupt me right before the money shot.

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