Goopy Paltrow Is Doing The Food Stamps Challenge

I know, too easy. TOO easy.

Up until not too long ago, I’m guessing that Goopy Paltrow thought that “food stamps” was a type of artisanal stamp ink that a Dutch artisan made using organic heirloom purple dragon carrots grown with Arabian horse manure and imported iceberg water. But then her good friend and Spanish eatin’ tour partner Mario Batali told her what food stamps really are and told her about how he raises awareness of the struggles people on SNAP benefits (formerly known as food stamps) face while trying to feed a family on such little money.

Mario Batali is on the Food Bank For New York City board and he’s fighting to keep congress from continuing to cut benefits. To help raise awareness, Mario asked New Yorkers and his fancy, privileged rich friends to do the #FoodBankNYCChallenge. Mario challenged them to feel the plight of the poor by only spending $29 per person (which is what people on SNAP get) a week on food. There’s rules for this challenge too. They can use coupons, but they can’t get food from others or use food they already have. Lord, fuck, you know some evil TV executive is looking at Mario’s challenge and thinking about how they’re going to pitch a reality show where a rich bitch and a poor person switch lives for a week. They’ll call it Class Swap and everybody will learn something from it, of course.

Mario asked The Out Of Touch Club’s president Goopy Paltrow to do the #FoodBankNYCChallenge, because he knew the kind of attention that’d get. Goopy is doing it and today, she tweeted all the groceries she bought for only $29. Goopy is trying to be healthy and shit, but it’s pretty impossible to be healthy on a $29 a week budget (which I guess is her point).

Is that for a family of rabbits? Is it for an Olsen? I mean, kale?! Cilantro?! Where are the packages of Top Ramen? Where’s the chicken? Where’s the 5lb bag of rice from the Asian supermarket? And all those limes. I know she has a lime tree and if she doesn’t, she can make little Moses hop the wall over to the neighbor’s yard to steal their limes. But she should tell him to throw the limes over before the guard dog gets him.

Well, I guess Goopy is going on one of her cleanses this week. She’s going to survive only on jalapeño and garlic elixirs and lime and kale enemas. The rest is for the purifying salsa face mask she’s going to make. I can’t wait for her new GOOP post about the SNAP cleanse.