Gwyneth Paltrow Bought The Hustler Store And Is Planning On Turning It Into A Fancy Private Club

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

To be honest, I’m glad she’s turning into something boring like a private social club, because I don’t think I have the stomach to handle picturing Gwyneth Paltrow letting her inner nasty corn broom out.

TMZ says that common woman Gwyneth Paltrow and her business partner Gary Landesberg have bought the flagship Hustler store on Sunset from Larry Flint, who was selling it so they could move closer to the Dolby Theater at Hollywood and Highland. Goopy plans on knocking it down and building her own fancy exclusive rich person social club.

Gwyneth’s club (working name: you don’t get to know that information, you disgusting poor) will basically be a rip-off of The Arts Club in London. You’ll have to be a Goop-approved somebody to get an invitation, it will cost a ton of money to join, and once you’re in, there’s a strict dress code and you’re not allowed to swear. Really? Well fuck that shit.

Currently, if you want to be a member at The Arts Club in London, it’s $2000 to join and $2000 a year. But TMZ says Gwyneth’s club promises to be much more expensive. This is where I’d make a joke about Gwyneth Paltrow being the real-life version of Snobby Saleswoman #2, but I believe Michael K would never speak to me again if I ever dared to utter such an insult to Snobby Saleswoman #2.

But I wonder what made Gwyneth decide to open her own fancy exclusive rich person club? My guess is because she discovered the fanciest private club in town wasn’t fancy enough for her. “What is that? A toilet? Where are the personal waste ushers? What’s next? That you don’t even use hand-picked bald eagle eggs in the brunch omelettes? Go start the Bentley, Blythe Danner – we’re leaving.

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