Jeremy Renner’s Messy Custody Fight Is Over

April 2, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.

Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.

Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.

TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.

The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.

And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.

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