Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Celebrated The One Year Anniversary Of “Conscious Uncoupling” In Mexico

Yes, its been a full year since Gwyneth Paltrow strapped herself to a Snob’s Choice™ imported rocket and blasted herself into the stratosphere of better-than-you smugness, aka the time she announced she was “conscious uncoupling” – not divorcing, because divorce is for trashy poors who make less than $20 million a year – from Chris Martin. And to celebrate such a milestone, Page Six says they hopped aboard a luxury steel air yacht (Goopy doesn’t do pedestrian shit like airplanes) and flew down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with their kids.

Although something tells me Gwyneth wouldn’t call it an “anniversary”. Anniversary is too common. I’m sure when Gwyneth called up the $10,000 a night resort in Mexico to book their vacation and they asked “Are you celebrating anything special this week, Ms. Paltrow?“, she replied “As a matter of fact, yes. We’re acknowledging the spiritual maturity through enlightened choices that took place during the 584 million miles the Earth orbited around the Sun. Please ensure our room contains a bottle of organic kelp-filtered Champagne-style essence and make the towels look like two swans kissing.”

I think the person I feel the worst for has got to be the bartender working their swim-up bar. Imagine waking up every morning for a whole week knowing you’re about to spend the day making hand-pressed (at the request of the guest) cocktails and that you’ll be tipped in $200 white t-shirts.

Not to mention I’m sure they had to listen to her tell the story of conscious uncoupling at least ten times a day. “It’s so crazy! We’re totally best friends! We are like such such good friends now! Have I mentioned that we’re still best friends? Hey, where are you going? I need another vodka and lime leaf!“