That Mysterious Illness Avril Lavigne Had Was Lyme Disease

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Avril Lavigne, who looks like a third-rate Amy Adams impersonator in a Coldwater Creek ad on the cover,  recently spoke to People about the mysterious illness that made her go MIA for the past couple of months. At the time, Avril never said what she was sick with, so naturally I assumed it was an allergy to some cheap black eyeliner. In reality, it was much worse: Avril Lavigne had contracted a serious case of Lyme disease.

According to Avril, it all started back in October during a trip to Las Vegas for her 30th birthday. Avril says while her friends were hanging out at the pool, she was hanging out in her bedroom feeling all kinds of sick. When she got home, she still felt like shit, so she went to the doctor and that’s when she was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Cut to Chad Kroeger breathing a huge sigh of relief that his wife’s illness wasn’t the result of listening to “She Keeps Me Up“.

After taking a bunch of time off to recover at home in Ontario with her mom, Avril says she’s “80 percent better” and that “This was a wake-up call. I really just want to enjoy life from here on out.” I just pictured Avril Lavigne diving into a swimming pool shaped like Hello Kitty that’s been filled with 30,000 gallons of hot pink Manic Panic.

The only thing I know about Lyme disease* is that Yolanda Foster and Miss Hoover had it, and that you get it from a tick bite. And since I have a major phobia of bitey things, Avril has all my sympathy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to dump an entire bottle of bleach on my brain in an attempt to cure the severe case of the willies I got from looking up ‘What are spirochetes‘ immediately after ‘What are morgellons.

*Note from Michael: As most of you know, Allison is from Canada where The Real Word: Seattle never aired, so she does not know about important Lyme disease education advocate Irene McGee. And since whenever you think about Irene from The Real World: Seattle, you think about that “Irene! Irene!” slap down moment, here’s that clip.

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