You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.
UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.
The thighs of several New Jersey hookers must be covered in dried chimp tears, because Juicy Joe told UsWeekly that he cries after visiting Teresa in prison. The judge let Juicy Joe and Teresa serve their sentences separately, so that one of them will always be with their daughters. Once Teresa checks out, Juicy Joe will check in and she’ll be the one in charge of organizing tabloid photo shoots for a check and drying her eyes with the $100 bills magazines will pay her for an EXCLUSIVE interview. Juicy Joke (typo and it stays) also tells Extra that she’s pretty much the Leisure Queen of the Cell Block and she has minions who beautify her:
“She’s got a little group she hangs out with and does her thing with every day, and who she goes to the gym with and who she hangs out with, and who does her hair and who does her nails… they have their little thing going every day.”
Her beauty regimen has even made her late for their visits. Joe said they once had to wait an hour while she did her hair. “I mean really… that was a little annoying.” “She’s got a little group she hangs out with and does her thing with every day, and who she goes to the gym with and who she hangs out with, and who does her hair and who does her nails… they have their little thing going every day.”
Her beauty regimen has even made her late for their visits. Joe said they once had to wait an hour while she did her hair. “I mean really… that was a little annoying.” The reality star made it clear he does not consider himself a criminal. “We’re not bad people, we’re not you know, these criminals or whatever, I don’t know whatever the hell they make us out to be.”
Teresa Giudice is a shameless, greedy fame whore, but I guess she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do to pay her fambly’s self-tanner bill. I can’t wait for her to shit up a prison beauty glamour guide where she’ll write about how to get that beautiful seasoned chola look using ketchup, soap gel, smuggled-in Sharpies and crushed-up Jolly Ranchers. And yes, I just said Teresa was giving us some seasoned chola glamorous in that cover. That is the only compliment I’ve ever given her. It really is April Fools’ Day.